I have ONE other mom with similar aged kids in my neighborhood - ONE! And we had a run in when our kids rode the school bus together their first year. Basically she told me they were "praying for my daughter to be a nice friend and learn some manners", and that ticked me off. My response to that little diddy was, "Well we believe that God helps people who help themselves. So if you're not willing to get the girls together to play and correct any inappropriate behavior as it crops up, I guess we won't be seeing you around much."
I am sure that her child is very nice. And I don't have any hostile feelings towards her kids. However everytime I see her at school or in the neighborhood I feel my feathers ruffle. Now we'll both smile and say hi, but it's pretty clear that we steer clear of each other.
Am I doomed to a lifetime of feeling this way? I have NO interest in talking about the past with her. However our kids do get along fine at school and on the bus. But whenever my daughter asks about inviting their child over, she sadly says, "Mom, she wants to play, but her mom keeps telling her she can't play with me because I'm not a nice person!" SERIOUSLY - she's basing this on Kindergarten behavior!
I have never claimed my child was a saint or never did anything wrong. But when this mother started with, "Your daughter did this and this and this..." I said, "Woooohhaaaa. Were you on the bus? Did you see this happen? Because I do talk with the bus driver and teacher and have NEVER gotten a complaint about my child, even when I asked specifically about the two girls together."
This woman really got under my skin. And I can't recall the last time I felt this way towards someone. Why can't I just let it go? Maybe because this is the ONLY child my kid's age in our area, and it really steams me she isn't letting her daughter come over to play.
UGGHHH!
Thanks for all the words of wisdom. Maybe I will try to "make friends" and be especially nice at a BBQ this weekend that a neighbor is having...they might be there...
I've pretty much taught my daughter that we can't change how other people want to to think, esp if they want to judge you based on behavior from 2 yrs ago and not the person you are right now.
I can't MAKE this other mom have her kids play with mine, but I can "kill them with kindness".
I have decided the best thing I can do (and also the best revenge for her rude comments and judgements) are to continue to have a wonderful child, who gets rave reviews from her teachers, excellent grades and does well outside of school too. We have made some great other friends and continue to foster those relationships.
At least we don't have to see this other family all the time! They rarely participate in neighborhood functions, don't run in the same circle of friends and pretty much seem to stick with one or two other families and their church folk.
Besides, I only have one other cheek to turn and I've already done that.
My way of teaching my child to deal with this family (at the bus stop, bus ride, lunchtime, etc) is to smile, be nice and WALK AWAY. She seems to understand that it's the mother, not the child, who's being a real stinker here. So I've said, "What a loss that they can't be friends with us!"
I've also decided to get involved with our school and community to encourage having lots of friends and contacts no matter where we go. So I'm there running the show at the PTO, Girl Scouts, etc. Sometimes I see her show up and go slacked jaw, almost like, "They're here too? And leading a program???" I secretly LOVE IT!
Hi mom-
Many of my kids 'invite over' friends were NOT from 'their' respective school...but from outsid activities...sports...dance...soccer...football...religious ed...etc....
I suggest drawing on a different 'well' of friends...
best luck!
Michele/cat
I think the big issue here is that an adult is saying mean things about a child, and they are getting back to the child. I would have a talk with the mom, that is just not acceptable. I teach my kids that it is not nice to say bad things about people, and that it is not nice to talk behind other's backs, this mom needs a lesson in both.
Just a suggestion ... let bygones be bygones. Bake some cookies, put on a smile and grab your daughter's hand and walk over to her house. Say something like "We obviously started off on the wrong foot a few years ago; can we make amends and start over? I know my daughter would love to have a neighborhood playmate."
Then go from there. I can tell you if someone showed up on my door like that, I'd move forward and be ready to start a new page.
Good luck! Do it for your daughter!
Why not extent the olive branch? Apologize for the misunderstanding (doesn't mean you have to admit right or wrong, just apologize), have them all over for a BBQ, and get to know each other. Why not? Worst that's going to happen is you two still can't stand each other, and then you go your separate ways. At least then you can say you were the bigger person and tried reaching out, and heck, you're even setting a good example for the kids ;)
Forget these people, seriously. What goes around, comes around. Why waste your energy on this? There are many other fish in the sea. I would have your daughter join a dance class, soccer--something that would bring in other new friends. Friends come and go. Sometimes you click, sometimes you don't. I can tell you this, from my experience, this woman will get "hers' down the line and you'll be there to hear about it whether it's her or her child. I take it that your daughter is still young--wait until she's a tween or a teen--you'll be hearing stuff about this family...almost guaranteed. Then you'll appreciate the fact that you stayed clear of them:)
"praying for my daughter to be a nice friend and learn some manners"
That is one serious backhanded insult! I would have called her out on that. Probably started quoting scripture cause that would really set her off.
Sometimes you get people like that, shame she has to live in your subdivision. You can't let it go cause she is not going to let you. Until she grows up, the mom that is, it is going to be like this.
That sanctimonious fool of a woman might want to reflect a bit on the meaning of Christianity (assuming that she is Christian - in my experience those who follow other religions are a little less presumptive about other people welcoming "prayer" on their behalf). She sounds pretty judgmental. If I were you I would just continue to focus on having your daughter build relationships with other girls, even if it means that you have to drive for play dates, etc. Also if I were you I would tell the woman off once more, but I'm confrontational about some things (this would be one of them LOL) and that may not be productive.
Hopefully your message to your daughter is that nice adults do not make negative comments about other people, especially children.
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You can't let it go because she is STILL hurting the kids.
That's sad, but there's nothing you can do. What a b****I!!!
However, good point from the other moms about extending the olive branch with cookies or whatever. It's worth a try!
It will take you being the bigger person to get past this. If you want your daughter to be able to play with her daughter, you will have to confront this issue. Tell them that you would like to get together but the name calling has to stop. Its not fair for her to put her adult issues with you on her child and hurt your child in this way. Set her straight no matter if you want to see her or not. What she is doing is wrong on so many levels. GL
M
If, for some reason, she did let her kid come over to your house - would you be comfortable letting yours go over there? If not I would probably just let it go. Some people aren't worth the effort, it just sucks when it makes your kid unhappy.
She doesn't sound like the type of person I'd want my child around. There will be plenty of other kids at school for your daughter to be friends with.
Probably because you see her all the time and she's in your world, indirectly. It doens't help that you get ongoing "reporting" from your daughter.
I'd steer clear of her where you can, and just bite your tongue everywhere else.
She's doing a fine job of setting a bad example for your daughter all by herself. So you can make a point to your daughter about exclusion and judgement.
I'm sorry your daughter gets the short end of the stick in all of this!
It's the mama bear in you. She talked trash about your cub and you're pissed - I would be too. But carrying all this angst is not doing anyone any good, especially you.
I suggest you invite the little girl to your house to play with your daughter. If the mom says anything about "the incident" you can either address it with "well, let's let the girls make up their own minds about each other" or laugh it off with "gosh, I forgot all about that sillyness! Sometimes us moms can boe worse than the kids! haha"
You can't do anything about another mom. You can only do something about yourself. You're choosing the attitude you have - but you don't want to teach your daughter how to be bitter and unforgiving. So it's time to let the past be past.
It's possible that both of you mamas are sorry you ever had that conversation two years ago. You may never be friends. But you don't have to stew about it.
Can you let the other mama's words just be her problem? Work on changing your focus, and see what groups in town your daughter can get involved in so that she can have kids to play with.
have you tried sitting down with the other mom to talk. you two dont have to be friends but maybe ya'll can come to an understanding so the kids can play together. if not, then invite over your daughters other friends who dont live down the street.
Kids don't always tell the whole truth. Maybe she's still saying things like this because the girl really is still complaining to her mother. I've seen this many times through the years with school age children. I'll have kids come over and all day they seem happy and eat well and play nicely. And yet the mom will tell me at some point that they go home and complain profusely about all kinds of things. I'm with you. I hate hearing about these things later and after the fact because there's always two sides to any story.
And yet, there are other kids that I will fuss with all day long, have to intervene with often, constantly remind of my rules, and they whine and complain to me. But those kids will often go home and say they had a wonderful day and can't wait to come back.
I'll never understand kids.
You need to let this go! You can't change them and you are hearing what your daughter said about what her daughter said about what mom said... You remember the game telephone?
This mother and her little girl are NOT nice people!! To have another child say this to your daughter is HORRIBLE!! It's not just an isolated incident, it's an ongoing battle if this girl is saying that she can't play with your daughter because she's not nice... I think it should be the other way around. I'd talk to your daughter and let her know that this little girl isn't saying nice things and it's okay for her to walk away from her and not play with her. Your daughter may like this girl but she needs to know that this little girl isn't a good friend if she's saying things like this. You can also talk to or email this mom and let her know that her daughter is being rude to your daughter and saying nasty things to her. I don't know if you feel comfortable saying anything or if it'll spark more issues but the best thing is for both of you to steer clear of them and make a decision to let it go. Don't dwell on it. Eventually, it won't bother you so much. Good luck!!
I would call the mom and ask her myself or maybe stop over and knock and J. let it go, if she says something new you can address in nicely. You don't want it to affect your daughter in the future from being excluded from going to this girls parties, outings...
I would just talk to the other mother and say something like, clearly we are probalby not going to be best friends but I'd like to see if maybe our girls could get together afterschool and on the weekends to play together? If she agrees, set up some ground rules right from the get go. Tell her you know she understands that they may have disagreements and that they will need to be dealt with and see if you can agree on how to handle these issues that are sure to come up without running into the same issues that happened last time. The girls shouldn't be punished just because the parents aren't best of friends. Good luck.
I was reading this and thinking not too much about it, until I heard your daughter's statement that they say she is not a nice person. Someone told my son that he couldn't come play at our house because our house was 'dirty' (SAY WHAT?) I was horrified. And our house was perfectly respectable and lots of people have come over. But both of those statements are made by horrible adults and your child should be told over and over that they are loveable and nice and personally when I did let go once in a situation like that and let down my guard I was backstabbed again. Let go for your health, forgive for your health, but make sure you let your daughter know how special she is and try not to pay attention to this woman anymore. She sounds like a horrible snob and I wouldn't think anyone would want to be friends with her. And sometimes people like that have their own secrets that they hide (bad marriage? alcoholism?) and they do not want anyone in their home because they might be found out.
