Our son is 4. Recenty, for the first time, he has been showing "mean" behaviour, such as destroying the puzzle his younger sister and i were doing, while we were at it; or refusing to share when he has plenty and she has none. He goes to pre-school, in a large class (21 kids, 1 teacher, 1 assistant -- we live abroad, and this is normal for Austria) and had struggled with the rougher kids there. Now he does not speak about rough kids anymore, but he has displayed some rougher behaviours himself.
According to some testing he is a "highly sensitive child". We are wondering if this new roughness is part of testosterone levels going up at four. Or is it related to something else? Poor parenting (aarrrgh! if so: what?)? Trouble at pre-school?
In our parenting so far we have relied on good-will and willingness to please, as well as attachment and understanding. We usually discipline just by changing the look on our face, making our voice stern, or removing our child from the situation (not in a time-out fashion). So far this has worked well, and we often get remarks on how well-behaved our kids are. Now we are struggling though. When our son behaves mean, we have a hard time. Do we need to expand our range of parenting tools? What would you do? What did/do you do with yours? Do we just have to allow our son to "try out his rougher sides"? If so, how do we best teach him to be strong but gentle, manly but fair?
Thanks for your collective wisdom!
D.
Thank you all for taking the time to help me -- all responses were useful, in different ways. Our son actually has been having good days now. I even think that some of my "gentle disciplining" already had an effect: he was very clear today to share his dessert that he took home from pre-school with his sister and me. He calmly described how the sharing would be done: "mom takes a bite, Luz takes a bite, then it's my turn, then mom again and so on". I am especially grateful for some of the practical tips i got: more playfulness is my favourite. And it works like magic for me. I have also increased outdoor activity and rough-housing good-naturedly. Now, through your responses, i feel that our path is ok, and that indeed our son does not need stronger signals right now. I will though sit down and discuss with my husband further strategies for challenging behaviour, and we will consider time-outs -- better be prepared for possible future problems. But i will not play power games. My children know very well who is taking care and who is taken care of in our family. Thanks again for your help! You helped my think outside my comfort zone a little.
You might find this book helpful:
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Faber and Mazlish
This sounds completely age-level to me. If you want to know what developmental charateristics are common at certain ages, Louise Bates Ames has a series of books - Your Four Year Old (and all the other years) that have a really good list.
As far as what you can do about it - when a child does something wrong, restitution should be made. If a puzzle is destroyed it should be fixed. (if that's overwhelming to him to do by himself, you helping him fix it will still have the lesson as long as he's fixing.) With the sharing, to me that's a little tricky. Perhaps you can think ahead to have some for sister & not have brother end up with all of it in the first place. Or maybe sister would be happy with something else or could find something to swap for some of what she wants. If it is his, adults don't always share their posesions. I don't think kids should automatically share everything either.
In general, fours are a time for "posturing" - threats, aggression and other experiments to find out how they can have power in their world. It's not acceptible, but it's a natural point of development. A toddler wants to touch everything, a four wants the world to follow his wishes. -- developmental.
My suggestions things you can do:
* do-overs or try-agains: if he says something unkind or does something rough, have him do it more politely. Rephrase it for him if he's stuck. -- the goal is to give him enough experience that he can think of these things on his own.
* provide perspective: remind him that this is a minor issue and not something to get all worked up about. Talk about what things are 10s - like a broken arm & what are 1s, like not getting the blue cup, for example.
* help him "process" what's going on - Talk him through what he's thinking and feeling. "You're upset that you didn't get to (something) and you really wanted to do that." "Sister looks really sad she doesn't have any, what can we do?" - get him to THINK about the situation himself.
* Be playful & help him calm back down - (this depends on your sense of humor and theirs) - over exaggerate "yes you should get ALL of everything and NOBODY should have anything." He will notice how silly his stance is. - or fantasize - "I wish we could shoot spider webs and capture all the puzzle pieces." He can get caught up in the imagination and drop his bad behavior for the more entertaining fantasy . Playfulness can seem like giving in or going backwards and encouraging the bad behavior, but it has the opposite effect and helps kids realize what the good behavior should be. They "come back to reality" in a way.
* be a role-model - show him over and over how he should act by acting that way yourself. Point it out too. "I really wanted that last piece of cake, but I am going to share it because I love you and want you to have some too." Also be a role model when you are talking to him about what you want him to be doing. Do you want him to yell? Then don't yell. etc. Remember your response to these situations are teaching him ways to react probably more strongly than what you are saying.
Hope that gives you some new ideas. A sensitive child is a rare gift. Congratulations on keeping that in mind and helping him to use that natural ability instead of squashing it. .
some of his actions sound normal, not wanting to share with his sister, messing up the puzzle, etc. But your willingness to please might be coming back to bite you in the butt. He needs to learn that the world does not always make him happy, how to deal with that and that it's ok when it happens.
A seated time out for 4 mins when he messes up the puzzle is called for. Not really for sharing though. That is a touchy subject as every child should have the right not to share a special toy, a only snack, etc. You didn't say what his roughness behavior is but anything that is bitting, hitting, pinching, scratching, pushing, spitting, etc is a big NO NO and further discipline should be used besides time out. He is old enough to have privileges taken away like a favorite cartoon he watches, going to the park, etc.
You also need to get him to use his words. There is no reason he can't say you made me mad, sad, happy, etc. Ask him open ended questions to get him to say what and why something made him unhappy. And repeat it back to him. I understand it makes you sad I'm playing with your sister, would you like to help us finish the puzzle? Or let him stomp off to his bedroom and sulk till he feels like talking about it.
Good luck
S.
This sounds fairly normal. It sounds like he is a little jealous or frustrated that he is not the center of attention and is lashing out.
He is also testing. The lashing out gets attention for him, even if it is not positive and he does not realize he is doing this and probably needs words to help him.
When this happens you say "we do not mess up sisters puzzle." " We do not hit people." "It is nice to share" " I like when you share." "When we are frustrated, we use our words, not our hands". "When we are angry we use our words not our hands."
This behavior does deserve a time out. He is 4 so 4 minutes is what he will need to complete in time out. He also needs to apologize for his behavior. Be on the look out for his dark feelings and mention to him. "You look frustrated." "You seem angry." This way he can learn what he is feeling and be able to tell you.
Then give him a coping suggestion. "Why don't you bring a chair over here next to me." "Come here and hold my hand for a minute."
"After I finish this puzzle with sister, I will read you a book."
Do not ask him "what will make you feel better" or "why did you do that? It will just remind him he does not know why or what he is feeling.Instead you will give him an idea that will be a tool he can call on when he has these feeling in the future.
Hang in there..
"He who is slow to be angry is better than a man of war, and he who has control over his spirit than he who takes a town." Proverbs 16:32
Hello D.,
You seem to already have your answer, but what a wonderful place to seek confirmation. Large groups of very small children are also the norm in America unfortunately. In a situation like that our young are made to practically raise themselves, because the staff are often trying to maintain control of the group, rather than help the children become the next generation of thought leaders. It may even be that the one influencing your son and others like him are the center of most of the teacher's attention too, leaving the rest to fend for themselves emotionally and spiritually. As a former pre-school director I am convinced that there is no one more qualified to do this for your son than you! Here is a way that I have found to get it started.
It is your right as a mother to decide the kind of influences your little one's character is molded into during his most formative years. He is learning how to be in the world based on the experiences you decide for him. So choose them well Mom!
When you invite a subcontractor to participate in helping you raise your child, collaborate with them on optimizing his strengths and improving upon his weaknesses. As a couple develop a strategy based on who your child is and decide how well your program of choice fits into it. Then schedule a meeting to fine tune your plan assuming you have found the partnership that you most desire.
When you son disrupts the harmony in your home based on how he has learned to cope in class, invite him to participate in giving back the toys he takes, wiping the place on the other person's body that he hurts: gently taking his hand and leading the way if he seems unresponsive at first.
Evaluate as a couple how well you are doing at showing physical affection to each other. This is obvious a behavior that he needs to see modeled in a healthy way. The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother, and for you it is to let them see you respect their father. Obviously this could go on and on, but I pray that I have given you some nourishing food for thought.
Believe well!
girl i don't think there is ever any excuse for a child being mean towards anyone. as soon as that puzzle was destroyed it would have been an immediate time out, then apologies to you and little sister. absolutely unacceptable. being loving and understanding and changing your tone of voice would work great if your son existed in a bubble and only learned those behaviors. but he is out in the real world, and you are going to have to get firm with him and show him that how other children act is NOT okay for him. it is a hard lesson to learn but it is imperative. good luck. yes, i think firmer parenting tactics are definitely in order. when they up the ante with their behavior, you must up the ante with discipline.
I love your parenting style. The two examples you gave of what your son does do not sound all that mean or unusual. It sounds like you guys are so peaceful by nature that you do not understand even a little aggression or selfishness.
So far, your son sounds pretty normal to me. Keep up the good work.
first of all, you sound like a truly wonderful mother and i applaud you. it is NOT poor parenting that is causing this. it does sound as if he's modeling behavior he sees as at school. i know some folks feel that getting tough with him is the right answer, but i disagree. he's getting a bit abraded by others, abrading him more in response will just teach him that the world is a cruel place. but i do think you can up the ante in a way that jives with your respectful parenting technique by giving him a warning if you see signs that he is ratcheting up the aggression, or maybe letting him participate (when he's calm) in a simple discussion about behavior and consequences and having him help choose what the consequence will be for a simple line-up of typical infractions (eg if you mess up the puzzle we're working on, you will need to spend some time with no toys and none of us playing with you. you must respect other people's toys. no one wants to play with you when you're mean.) and remember, of course, to reinforce his good behavior with a smile.
good luck!
khairete
S.
I'd say that yes you need to expand your parenting tool arsenal...
If your son is acting out, something is going on. You need to make him use his words. You need to put him in time out if he is mean or rough. He is totally testing you...
The rougher kids are making him miserable, so he's doing what they do. He needs to be shown that this behavior is unacceptable. School and home need to be consistent.
YMMV
LBC
I understand you frustration as my normally well behaved 4 yr. old is conducting himself in the same way. I do not know the reason for this, but the frustration is mounting! I hope someone can post an answer for the both of us!
