Baby Shower Hostess Does Nothing but Send an Evite, Is It Still a Shower?

Well I would have been disappointed too, especially by the fact that guests were expected to pay for their own meal. Unless that's something everyone knew ahead of time I would find it extremely tacky.
Nothing for you to do now but move on, and realize that this "friend" has limited social skills, and is clearly not an organized or giving person.

At first I thought you were way out of line and expecting too much, but it really sounds like you tried to tell her "no thank you," she insisted, and then gooned it all up.

She absolutely should have done more. If money was tight, she should not have offered. I would NEVER expect for people to pay for their own meal at a babyshower. I would provide everything, like you did. I have hosted several and had two thrown for me. So in my experience, it's normal.

Now as far as the hostess gift, I bring a gift if I am visiting someone or staying in their home, not for throwing me a shower. Maybe I'm wrong on that though, I honestly don't know.

I think you are justifed in being upset, but I'd just let it go. This is one of those things in life that is not worth the headache.

Yes, you are entitled and greedy.

Unless you also complain bitterly about getting socks at christmas. And then you're just self-absorbed.

Your friend is lame. She really should be embarrassed. I think your feelings are entirely justified and I am sorry your friend wasn't a better friend to you.

You are not entitled and greedy. Not sure what your friend was thinking.

Wow, she really blew it.
Poor dear. You know her best, but my guesses are that she is a terribly unorganized person....

Does not know how to throw a party.

Is having financial problems.

Is ditzy.

Is pretty immature not to be able to admit, she was in over her head, but just could not be an adult and just admit it.

I am not sure why grown ups just feel like they cannot be honest with their good friends and say, I want to do this, but have no idea where to start.. Or, I wish I had enough money to do something super nice for you, but I am on a super tight budget, with our own baby on the way. lets go to lunch before the baby comes.

Honestly, I would not have been embarrassed, I would have shrugged my shoulders and quietly asked the waiter to put it all on my card and thanked my friend for organizing the gathering. And then chalk it up to a lesson that this friend, has god intentions, but is ditzy.

I have people in my life like this. I have learned to just be polite, but not expect them to come through with their promises. They mean well,but just are not reliable. And I am not the only one to know about their good intensions, but that they just do not have it all together.

this just validates all of my anti-shower heebie-jeebies!
you are not entitled and greedy. you do have fairly high expectations, but they're also well within the bounds of reasonableness. your friend is a schmuck, not for the no-present thing (which you requested) but for planning a shower that wasn't a shower but a lunch that she said she'd pay for then reneged.
i know it's hard not to compare, but the shower you gave her isn't actually relevant. you're obviously better at this stuff, and if this was what you wanted in return, i guess it was up to you to make that clear to her.
the 'i should never expect people to do something nice for me' is a little over the top. you just need to have more realistic expectations. if you want a nice shower, have a more reliable friend plan it.
but i'm so sorry this event turned out so shabbily. you sure didn't deserve that.
khairete
S.

Hmmm, I can see how you're going to get a number of responses from opposite angles on this.

Personally, it sounds to me like you and she are very different in how they approach things.
Hers was tacky. Way tacky. To insist on throwing you a shower, having everything fall through (how does a cake fall through? She either ordered it or not...), and then asking the guests to pay. That's not a shower. That's lunch with friends.
So yes, I'd be hurt.

However, you also sound like the type of person that naturally goes above and beyond to make things special and happy. There's nothing wrong with that, however, I think that tends to make your expectations a little higher. Like the fact that you came with a barrage of gifts as a "thank you" for the woman hosting your shower. I've never seen anyone give a hostess a thank you gift, ever.

So...I think she was tacky, and you had expectations/hopes that were out of line a bit.
But, I'd be hurt. Yes.

Your friend might have meant well, but she's clearly not capable of planning a party. I'm so sorry that you didn't have a nicer gathering, and yes, you deserved better. You are not entitled or greedy to be disappointed.

(You can not throw your own baby shower, because that would be considered tacky, so that was never an option.)

I haven't read the other posts yet, but did someone really call you combative?

Quite frankly, I don't understand this "no gifts" shower thing. Why would you stipulate no gifts? You are trying TOO hard to not be a "gift grabber". You're basically telling people that you aren't important enough for them to bother...

This woman is a real cad. I'll just BET that she had a panic attack over a cake. I call BS on that, mom. She just couldn't be bothered to plan ahead and decided that going without was easier.

Why she would pick a restaurant so out of the way is beyond me. Is it a friend's restaurant that she wanted to give business to?

Sigh... so much of this is just so bizarre. You don't call a lunch at a restaurant with no presents a SHOWER. You call it a lunch out. Please don't ever depend on her for anything ever again. And no, you shouldn't have given her a hostess gift for asking people by an evite to meet you at a restaurant. Did you really think that if she had brought a cake, that it would have merited you giving her a gift?

Please dial it down with giving this woman stuff. The next thing she'll be expecting is a birth present AFTER her baby is born.

So did you ever get this "gift she accidentally left at home"?! Somehow, I doubt it.

Your friend sucks. And you don't. Sounds like you are far more selfless and considerate, and you think about what will make other people happy. She doesn't. You also have great taste. She may, but she doesn't think to provide that for others, only herself.

Some people (a LOT of people) suck. Even people close to you, and even if they haven't sucked in the past. People change, and sometimes they become more selfish.

Throughout my life I have asked myself (and asked my husband) SO many times, "why don't people do for me the stuff I do for them?", or "why would she do that to me if I would never (have never) done that to her?" - oh, to have the answer to these questions.....

I am the type that I expect a person to treat me a certain way because I know I would (or have) done that for them. And boy have I led a life of disappointment.

This honestly sounds like something that would happen to me, right down to the forgotten cake. I am a giver, and I love spoiling others. I rarely receive it back. It is always disappointing, and I have lessened up a bit on my giving so I don't feel so hurt. It has helped. But I don't let it completely change me as a person. You just have to try to find someone as considerate as you.

AND STOP BEING SO NICE WHEN SOMEONE IRRITATES YOU!

That is the biggie for people like you and me. Speak up - say something if you don't like something. I guarantee your friend would.

You are NOT wrong to be hurt, but I also don't know that I can say you shouldn't have expected this. I just don't know your friend.

Your expectations were NOT too high. All women want to feel special, especially if they make the other women in their life feel it. If a woman says she doesn't want to be made to feel special, I would question her truthfulness or whether she is of alien decent.

And to answer your last question, no, most people don't likely give a "thank you" gift to the hostess. But guess what, people like you and me do. (see above for description of people like you and me).

And let me make a suggestion - next time, don't say no gifts! Let your friends spoil you the way you do them. I know this will be hard, as you and I were apparently separated at birth, but just try. =)

First of all, you sound like you are anything but cool and laid back. From the descriptions of your gifts and party planning, you sound like a pinterest junkie with great taste ;-) Your friend should have known better than to phone it in with the Indian buffet "shower".

You are not entitled or greedy! Your friend was a terrible hostess and totally failed to tell you that even hosting a simple lunch for you was more than she could handle. She had plenty of opportunities to bow out, but she didn't take them. How embarrassing for her. And awkward for your friends. This was not the happy and fun event that any mom-to-be would (and should) expect.

Unfortunately, you learned a valuable lesson here that you should never ever let this friend host any kind of social event with you or for you again. Her behavior is not a reflection on you. I'm sure your friends understand that. So sorry the "shower" was a disappointment. I would be disappointed too.

By the way, the whole Indian buffet thing cracks me up because it reminds me of the movie "Bridesmaids".

Sounds like she did exactly what you said - nothing fancy, no gifts, etc. not her fault that you were secretly hoping for more.

Eta: you said you wanted feedback, but you're *very* defensive towards the people who aren't totally sympathetic towards you.

Look it's obvious you wanted a shower but what you and your friend arranged was not a shower; it was a lunch. So expecting anything resembling a shower was very unreasonable.

I hear you and I agree. You sound like you would have been happy with some effort...any effort.

You seem like a natural at party planning and social graces. My prediction? You are going to throw your little one an *amazing* first birthday party. And no, it's NOT going to be a 'joint party' with this other woman's child.

You are completely right to have your feelings hurt. Do not feel guilty for it. I would be appalled at the shabbiness (after what she has personally seen done for her).

What you do with those feelings is another matter. That is where you have to make decisions about your friendship.

But your feelings are completely normal and justified.

She may have dropped the ball on her planning. I agree with that.

Why on earth did you allow your guests to pay for their own meals when you realized she wasn't planning to pay? That was tacky in my book. You already said it was not a fancy place so I would have sucked it up and paid the entire tab like a hostess should do.

Yes, it's appropriate to give a token of appreciation when someone does something nice for you.

This all sounds so nit picky, down to the point of your guests not getting a piece if cake. If this is this is the worst thing you ever go through, you're pretty darn fortunate.

You know, some things in life are wonderful, some things are "meh."

File this under the category of "meh" and move on. No need for hurt feelings; she obviously isn't a great shower planner.

I doubt your guests care that they paid and the main point is that you and your friends got together. That's the point of any party.

In the scheme of things that matter in life -- this doesn't.

I would have been hurt too. Simply put, your friend failed, which is totally unnecessary since she volunteered for this and had ample opportunity to back out graciously if it got to be too much. I'm sorry that this happened to you. It's crappy and you're not being entitled or greedy. Your friend took on more than she could handle, was thoughtless in doing so, and basically created a situation that was more awkward and worse than having no shower at all!

And to the person who said that they've never heard of sending a gift to a host...really? I can assure you that when you are a guest of honor at something, you absolutely should give a gift to the host. For my wedding shower, I sent Harry & David gift boxes of chocolates and other goodies to my parents and sisters. For my baby shower, I had flowers delivered to the three girlfriends who hosted at their offices the next day. To thank a host properly with a nice gift is not over the top, it's good manners!

I wish I could throw you a shower, I think you are completely justified to be upset. I would be a little annoyed too if I was a guest and had to go so far out of my way and then pay the tab. There are things that are expected when someone offers to throw a shower. She completely dropped the ball. I hope that she was overwhelmed with her life and just didn't think about it much, but I doubt I'd trust her to do me any other favors in the future. Congratulations on your new little one, and I hope you do your best not to be bothered too much by this.

You are not entitled and greedy. You simply wanted a special day for you and your soon to be baby.What I can't believe is how this woman shrugged it off so easily. I would be mortified and would do everything I could to make it up to you. What a wet noodle. Absolutely nothing she planned made you feel special.

I'm sorry it turned out that way.

I'd simply call each person that came and let them know you were sorry they had to pay for their own meal. Then just visit with them. More than likely they'll still do something when the baby comes.

This person is just themselves. Next time remember they aren't a very good party planner. Their idea was to get some friends together to hang out, eat, and visit. Not have a traditional baby shower.

So her idea and your idea don't mesh. Next time don't plan for her and decline when she plans to do another thing for you.

She did her best and obviously you're a better party planner.

everything you say was Beautiful, gorgeous, rich, extravagant... dramatic

everything about her was, mediocre, half assed, cheap, out of the way, painful.

So you have expectations that she didnt meet and your mad. Not at all interested or sympathetic to the effort made. You are a big party planner, and she is a not so much. Apparently communication was lacking on paying, and expectations. Yes what she did as far as pitching in for the meal was wrong, but then again I never let anyone throw me a party with out exact expectations laid out first. I will not accept being stuck with a bill. If the friends accepted the invitation then they also must come prepared for anything and thank goodness it was a cheap Indian rest. Where they could afford the bill rather than rack it up at an upscale place and really be put out.

Time to mark it up to difference in handling parties, and dont accept a party invite from her again on your behalf. I honestly dont attend 2nd baby showers if the kids are not at least 5-10 years apart. I dont mind gifted baby showers as that is what I LIKE ABOUT SHOWERS. I want to buy baby stuff. IN NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM will I give any adult a gift for a baby shower.

You know, as an introvert I actually dread being the focus of parties, (thankfully when I got married and had my first baby my limelight-loving sister was also doing those things, so we had our bridal showers and baby showers together) but what you've described would probably make me cry.

I agree you should call the other guests and apologize that they had to pay, and that you hadn't realized the gathering was going to pan out that way.

After your baby is born, plan a lovely "meet my two babies" party.

You can plan it yourself if it's not a shower. It's a meet-the-babies party.

Have hors douvres, cake, maybe get it catered. Say "no gifts please" if you want (although I think it is fine to get gifts).

This other woman might just not have party-planning skills. I'm sorry that your friends had to pay for their own lunch.

Yes, it's normal to thank a host with a gift. (Wine for a dinner invite, jewelry for a bridesmaid, etc.)
She did what you said for her to do.
A "shower" involves gifts.
We like to say "You get what you get and you don't throw a fit."
Who knows? She was busy, she was overextended, tired, moving...
Some people are over the top party planners, some aren't.
Let it go.
It's over.
To go on and on about your disappointment (warranted or not) is what will appear entitled and greedy. Grace is what trumps disappointment.

And you do sound like you might have a wee bit of a control issue.
And, yes, it's always in bad taste to plan & throw a shower for yourself!

I can understand your feelings were hurt.

However, despite saying you had no expectations, you did in fact have some, which sound like they were never communicated clearly to your friend.

You expected her to pick up the tab, but if you did not explicit say that to her, she wouldn't know that. You didn't really want to drive to the Indian place, either because it wasn't the restaurant you really wanted, or because it was too far for you and/or your guests, but you didn't explicitly tell her that a choice closer to the guests/you would be better.

I think sometimes we as women (probably not all of us, but I know I'm sometimes guilty as are occasionally friends of mine) of expecting others to be able to mysteriously understand things we never clearly verbalize, and then are angry/disappointed/frustrated when our thoughts are not understood.

I say to distance yourself for a while from this friend, and own your feelings, and your part in what happened. Let some time heal the wounds, and let it go.

I really don't think that this hurt you feel is about the shower persay...it was really about the fact that your "friend" made NO effort whatsoever to make this the least bit special. I would have been hurt too. I often get myself in situations like this because people often do not treat me the same way that I treat them. I have had to pull back with some people because of it...I got really tired of getting my feelings hurt.

I am this way about my birthday. I don't expect presents from friends and family, but I do expect them to at least mark the day with a card, a phone call, or an email. My feelings get hurt when no one seems to care enough to make that basic effort.

I would be curious to know what your friend said about the event. Obviously, it was disappointing and I am sure that it showed on everyone's faces.

A shower is different from a lunch. The whole purpose of a shower is to "shower the person with gifts". Miscommunication from the start. When she said, "I would love to host a shower for you!" you should have said, "I really don't want gifts. How about you put together a lunch instead?" Expectations would have been managed.

If you are a person that normally goes above and beyond for everyone else, that doesn't mean that they will do it for you. It's unfortunate, but true.

Plus, you both are pregnant and deserve a little slack. Come on, she cried about a stupid cake. That's pregnancy hormones run amok. Maybe she baked a cake and dropped it. Maybe the bakery got your name wrong and couldn't fix it. Maybe they had the wrong date and the cake wasn't ready. Who knows. She ran around an unfamiliar neighborhood trying to find you a cake.

I can only speak for myself, but I don't go to showers or luncheons for cake. I'm sure those ladies weren't upset about missing out on a piece of cake.

I'm sorry your shower sucked. I think you should have told her to cancel the plans the minute you heard it was in another town at an Indian Buffet.

I would have politely said "you know so-and-so I really don't want to meet at a restaurant an hour away for my baby shower, I'd prefer a more tradtional party and am happy to have it at our home. I'd love some help, can you pick up the cake and bring a dish?"

These problems arise (usually between women) because so many of us are not direct enough. You knew things were not going the way you wanted, you knew your friend was overwhelmed so do something about it. I would have paid the tab and then after the party had a discussion with my "friend". It could go somehting like this "you know so-and-so, I was a little embarrassed when the check came and you expected our guests to pay. I thought it was your treat since you were throwing the shower and had I known you were planning for everyone to chip in I would have planned something else. I know you have a lot going on right now, please just ask me for help next time."

You either express yourself directly and honestly or you take what you get. Why not through your own party? Get to know baby or first birthday. Give yourself what you wanted in the first place, invite all your friends and have fun.

I am so sorry! I would be so letdown if this happened to me. You sound like a great friend!

But therein may be the problem. After the birth of my third child, none of my closest friends even offered to bring dinner. Why? For reasons similar to you being easy going: they perceived no need to go out of their way to help me out. I saw these supposed good friends for what they are: acquaintances. Friends do nice things each each other for no reason. Your supposed friend didn't even try here.

Again, I am so sorry.

I definitely understand your disappointment, I just think it was a huge breakdown of communication. You tend to over-do, she tends to under-do. A shower is a shower because people "shower" you with gifts. You said no gifts, she suggested a fancy brunch. It sounds like you checked in with her multiple times, told her you were uncomfortable with her doing all the stuff, etc....but either you didn't make it clear enough what you were hoping for, or she really is not a good planner/organizer and had too much on her plate.

I think if it were my friend in the middle of her own pregnancy and moving, I probably would have told her not to host anything for me. I know she said she was happy to do it and everything, but was she really?

Hmm... reading your post I initially thought your expectations were too high and you gave your friend mixed signals. You explain that you told her several times that she didn't have to do this, it doesn't have to be fancy, nothing special in other words. It sounds like she listened. It wasn't fancy and definitely wasn't anything special. Perhaps she thought you were uncomfortable having all the decorations and lots of people - especially since you gave her a list of only 10 people and only 5 ended up coming. However, since you sound like a thoughtful caring individual who goes above and beyond on everyone around you, if she is really your friend she should have known that you would have wanted the same as you do for others. Unfortunately, most people are not as intuitive as you seem to be so she probably didn't really think about it and just did exactly what you told her to do - nothing special.

All of that being said... I'd be pissed! (Excuse my language) What in the world was she thinking?!?! If you send an invitation, Evite or otherwise, the expectation is that you are a guest which in my mind implies that you will NOT be paying for anything except the possibility of a bar tab, if drinking. If she expected everyone to split the cost that should have been clearly stated in the Evite. If this happened to me, I would have been mortified and without a doubt would have said something to my friend and I would have insisted on paying the bill myself. However, since there were no presents, no decorations and you all had to pay, it sounds like it was a group of girls having a lunch get together, NOT a baby shower. Nothing about what you described above says baby shower to me. Out of curiosity, did you ever get a present from the friend that hosted and "forgot" your present at home? As for the thank you gift you gave her... I've never heard of anyone doing that before. Perhaps a small plant or a bottle of wine (when the host isn't pregnant) but it sounds like you gave her yet another shower gift! Unless you get a great discount on massages, I can't spend that much on my friends as a regular gift let alone a thank you gift. I am really sorry this happened to you. You deserved more and something much better! Also, you shouldn't have to host a party for yourself. If I had any type of suggestion it would be to not belittle yourself in the future. When someone offers to do something nice for you, simply say "yes, thank you!" You sound like an awesome person and you deserve others to do awesome things for you. Good luck with your situation.

I can't believe she expected the guests to pay for their own meals.
Tacky Tacky Tacky!!!

You have every right to feel the way you do. I'm so sorry it didn't go as it should have, but now you have a great story to tell your child when they get older. Trust me, this WILL be funny to you in a few years.

You did have expectations, you can say that you didn't all that you want, but you did. That's okay, that doesn't make you entitled or greedy, it makes you human.

Your friend did her best, she tried and things just didn't work out as planned (the cake). So be thankful that she at least cared enough to try, and from the sounds of it it's a whole lot more then anyone else was willing to do for you.

Who needs cake? Okay a little cake would have been nice, but it fell apart, she cried and got upset and her husband soothed her. Could have more been done? Who know's, but it was just a cake. Something most adults don't really eat.

So the shower didn't live up to your expectations. Once baby is born, have a meet and greet, and have it your way. It's a heck of a lot less tacky this way, people really shouldn't throw their own baby shower unless they really have no one else in their lives to throw them one. You had someone, she just didn't live of to your expectations, but her heart was in the right place.

I would probably feel the same way you do. It was clear to me from your post that you weren't expecting anything more than a fun get together with friends. It would have been nice if she had at least offered to pay for everyone's meal or made it clear in the invite that everyone would be paying for their own meal. (We often do that for birthdays. The hostess pays for the birthday person and everyone else pays for their own.) That sounds like it would have been a lot cheaper than hosting a fancy tea!

Unfortunately it's done and you can't go back. Try to forgive and move on. If it were me I probably wouldn't go too out of my way with anything big for her again and would probably ease up on the types of gifts I give in the future. But I do tend to be passive aggressive.

I still hold a little bit of a grudge towards the host of my "baby shower". She never asked who I wanted to invite, invited a bunch of guys that she and my husband work with, and used it as an excuse to host a poker party after the shower since "everyone was already there." Although I appreciated her hosting the shower I felt very cheated because none of my friends were there and a friend who did offer to host a shower for me didn't after she heard someone else was already planning one.

Oh S., I am so sorry :-( I don't think you are wrong at all to be hurt by this. This friend of yours sucks if you ask me. Sending out an evite to have basically a lunch date is NOT anything near resembling a shower or party. Actually, I think what she did is worse than if she hadn't done anything at all. If you hadn't been under the impression that she was throwing you a shower, you could have planned a nice get-together of your own, or another friend of yours could have. Since you aren't asking for gifts, I don't think it's at all wrong or tacky to plan something and have a real party to celebrate the baby. I would let your friends who went to the lunch know that you didn't realize they were going to pay for their own lunches, and apologize to them for the mix-up so that they know that you didn't have anything to do with it and were just as mortified and embarrassed as they probably were. You sound like an awesome friend who really goes out of her way to make her friends feel special and loved. You should surround yourself with friends who will treat you with the same love and care that you show to them.

I think this is more her issue than yours. No you are not entitled and greedy.

If anything it makes for a good laugh. My aunt and cousin hosted my shower. It was very nice of them, yet here is the story. My cousin had a huge TV with nascar blasting. The last imagine I have of her at the shower is yelling and using a foot to move her dog back inside while my husband's relatives were leaving. The reason she did not get the dog with her hand is because she was holding a coors light in one and a cigarette in the other. My aunt was not happy with her adult daughter who is 10 years older than me. By the way, I have never watched nascar (it is a car race).

I'm curious, did the other guests bring gifts? I would think they would want to, but with the no gift needed I am not sure.

Congratulations on baby #2. I agree with the mama who suggested you have a meet my babies party. I suggest you do that after you talk with your friend about how you feel.

IMO you need to clear the air. You should sit down with your friend and explain to her what you explained to us in your post. Tell her you were hurt. It doesn't matter what we think about you/her/or the situation. You were hurt. If you don't tell her, it is likely you will harbor resentment which will turn to anger--not good for you, your family, or your friend. Once you explain to her your thoughts and feelings. Tell her you are having a party for your family. She may want to help out. If this is the case, be gracious, but don't set her up for failure--nothing that if not completed will make a difference.

I'm sure you will learn a lot about her and her perception of you (which you can comment on) when you have the conversation.

Friends are priceless, so don't let your hurt get in the way of repairing the damage.

Hugs

Frankly, I would be very hurt as well :( I'm sorry you were made to feel that way.

I'm in the camp that believes every baby should be celebrated. I also believe every baby deserves new things of their own. Of course not big ticket items like the crib or stroller but certainly some new clothing, diaper bags, diapers, toys, etc. It really grates my nerves when people view a baby shower for additional children as a "greedy gift grab."

I saved everything from my first daughter to pass down to my second daughter. However, my family still threw me a baby spinkle. I still bought my second daughter new things to go along with the hand me downs. Just because she didn't come first doesn't mean she isn't worthy of new things. To me that is just silly.

Each of my girls have their own crib bedding to use for their children someday should they so choose. I've also packed away several of their favorite baby toys and outfits for their future use. I will do the same with books and belongings that are special to them as they grow. How cool will it be for them to open their baby trunk one day in the distant future and bestow many of their childhood treasures upon their own children!

Our family has always thrown a shower for the firstborn where we pitch in on all of the big ticket items as a group and then individually purchase smaller ticket items for the new parents. When additional babies come along we throw a baby sprinkle, which is the same as the shower with all of the trimmings except the gifts are usually just clothing, keepsakes, toys and accessories unless we know that a big ticket item is in need of replacement. If that is the case then we all pitch in to replace that item as well. That's just how we roll ;D (None of us are wealthy by any means and a huge group of us pitching in makes this all possible.)

Part of me is not sure that it would do any good to confront your friend. Clearly she just doesn't "get it" and all that will be accomplished is she will feel just as bad as you do...maybe even worse than you do because she obviously knows how awesome you are and she will feel like she failed you miserably..which she did. If you are able to forgive her without a confrontation then do so. If not then a heartfelt conversation is in order. Just be honest with her and tell her how you feel.

I think I would also explain to the 5 guests that you were not in on the planning and had no idea that they would have to pay their own way. I find that pretty darn tacky unless it is specified on an invitation that the guests will be paying for themselves. Most people rightfully assume when they are invited to a shower type of event that they are not paying for themselves. Suppose one of them did not have it in their budget to pay their own bill? How embarrassing for them. Although, I must also point out that I find it terribly thoughtless to attend such a function without a gift for the baby. I realize you specified gifts were not necessary or needed, but I still would have gotten something for your baby. To me it's the thought that went into the gift that is important not the price. A simple diaper cake can be made easily with little expense. It's not an over the top expensive gift but it shows the Mommy to be that you cared enough about her to invest the time in making it.

Peace and Blessings,
T. B

I would be hurt too. This wasn't a party. I do wonder if you gave your friend the wron idea by continuing to make suggestions that may have sounded to her that you didn't want her to extend herself. I suggest that it may have hrlped if, instead of asking her if she needed help you had talked about what you'd like. Told her you wanted to pay for the lunch. Told her you wanted it closer to where people lived. Told her you wanted a cake and you'd bring it.

I don't think you were trying to control at all. In fact it would've been much better if you had controlled more. I suggest that when you were anxious enough to cause you to keep checking in with her you should've taken back the party and done it yourself. It was not a shower. It was a celebration a d we give ourselves celebration parties all the time. Isn't taking people out to dinner to celebrate a promotion, for example, acceptable? I see your party in the same way.

I suggest you tried to hard to get what you wanted without giving her enough information for her to do it. I suggest you set both of you up for disappointment. This is the way we learn. You know how to do it differently next time. Not for a baby. I suggest after the baby is born and you're settled in you invite those friends for tea and cake and to meet the baby. Ask for help to do specific things. Ask someone to bring some flowers. Ask someone to bring a cake. Make your own celebration.

I wonder if part of your hurt and the reason you kept offering to help is that you wanted someone to do something special for you and subconsciously you're not sure you deserve it. You couldn't trust her to do it. This gave her a negative message which made it difficult for her. As you pointed out she had many things going on for her. I wonder why you weren't more direct in telling her whayt you wanted. When I think about it she did give you what you said you wanted. You kept telling her to make it simple I.e nothing fancy. You told her the Indian restaurant was OK.

Along this same line why not accept gifts? Women love to buy baby things.