Attn: Sahm's -- How Do You Find Balance?

Sounds a lot like things at my house!! Please let me know if you get some positive feedback!! I'd love to hear it! ____@____.com

I think that you and I need to hang out because I feel the same way much of the time.

Part of the problem is that as mom's I know that, at least I do, have issues with going out without the kids. Your husband is out all the time with adult conversation and you're stuck at home with a kid who, as much as you love him, isn't much of a conversaionalist. So you probably need to get out and just have a nite out to yourself. Have your hubby take the responsibility of watching your kiddo for the nite and go out with your girlfriends and have a fun time. Drink some margaritas and just let loose. I'm sure you don't do it often, so you'll appreciate it.

You should also, if you have family in town or can afford a babysitter one nite a week, make it a priority to have a date nite with the hubby...every week(whatever day works best for you guys). If you don't have the either of those luxuries, than make it a priority to have a late romantic dinner once a week after the kid is in bed. I mean make it really nice, maybe wait until he wakes up from his nap and cook together, put out candles and have a lovely formal dinner. Or (hope no one is too embarassed by this!) wake him up out of his nap early by performing a certain "job" ;);) I don't think ANY guy would have a problem with that!

You need to let him know what your feeling and that you would like to spend more time with him. Its very natural for you to feel hurt and bitter because instead of spending time with you and the baby he's choosing to sleep or do something else. Those feelings start to build up and you don't even realize it until its too late. This has happened to me I almost lost it all because of it.

I agree with everyone that you should talk to your husband about how you feel. Like some of the other repondants things come to a head for us every few months - we talk and things get better.

I have found that lately if I can stay in a place where I am grateful for what I have then I am in a much happier place and everything seems better. I try to take a moment to collect myself when I feel upset or overwhlemed and thing, I am so lucky to be here and not at work, I am so thankful to have a wonderful husband even if he isn't doing everything the way I want, I am so grateful...etc. Sometimes it feels silly at first but eventually I get to my "happy" place.

My husband is a napper too. This drives me CRAZY! Especially because with our teething 7 month old, and active 3 year old I am often exhausted! I tell him he needs to spend 15 minutes of QUALITY time - really focused on our kids while I go upstairs and relax. We all usually feel better after the 15 is up.

Glad to hear I'm not the only one who feels crazy sometimes! Good luck.

Your situation is identical to mine! right down to the time my hubby leaves for work, how long it takes to drive there, to the naps--everything is identical! To keep my sanity I got a job! I work in retail every so often ( maybe 4-6 hrs) on a sat. but it is my adult time, my alone time, my mommy free time, my stress free time.

A., I know how you feel. I have a degree in early childhood education, and I worked full-time outside the home for five years until my son was born. Then, we decided that I should stay at home for various reasons. My husband is a medical resident (basically, a doctor who's still in training). He puts in at least 10-11 hour days (if he's lucky), and then, many times, he has to stay at the hospital because he's on-call (usually on the weekends). We're getting used to him sleeping at home MAYBE four or five nights each week. It can be very difficult not having him around some days, and when he is on-call the night before, he's usually so busy that he must come home and sleep after work for a couple of hours to recuperate. I'm not really bothered by him coming home to sleep during the day, anymore, because I understand how much time his job takes. However, like you, there are days when I feel like he's not spending enough time with our 7 month old son and me, especially when he comes home on a regular workday and spends his time playing video games. Because of his job and the amount of time he puts in, I end up doing everything else in the relationship--cooking, cleaning, taking care of our son (I'm breastfeeding, as well), shopping, paying bills, etc. I've found that one of the ways to keep myself sane is to bundle up our little boy and go for a walk (outside or at the mall) or do something fun, like a baby laptime at the library. Also, when my husband was on a night rotation a couple of months ago (where he worked at night and slept during the day), I ended up driving to my parents house one state away and spent a few days with them. I think that woke him up a little to the fact that I was getting frazzled and needed some time to relax, too. He really missed us when we were gone! I'm not saying that that's something you should do, but I do think it's good to communicate with your husband and let him know how you're feeling. It's hard to go from working full-time to becoming a full-time mom. I still have days when I feel like I should be doing something more "accomplished," but then I remember that being able to take care of my son full-time can be a huge accomplishment. The only advice I can give is just be true to yourself, keep doing things that you like to do, and let your husband know what your thoughts and feelings are. He may have know clue that you feel the way you do! Sorry for the long post, but I've been dealing with the same thing for a while, too. If you have any questions or just want to talk, just PM me. A.

Hi A.,
Oh my gosh, I was reading your request and I had to stop and ask myself, "Did I write this?" I know EXACTLY what you are going through...I live with my fiance and we have a 7-month old son who i stay home with all the time...Luke leaves the house at 6am and comes home around 4:00...when he gets home he is so tired he just lays on the couch and goes to sleep...UNLESS...he has plans to go play poker or hang out with friends..then he jumps right into the shower and gets dressed and leaves...last night i asked him to go with me to visit my grandfather and he was too tired, but of course when the cavs game came on at 830 he was wide awake! this is how it always is...we have a second child on the way already, and he never asks me how im feeling or anything...then he gets upset if the exact thing he wants to wear isn't clean or whatever...he thinks i do nothing all day just because i stay home, yet the house is usually clean and the baby is well taken care of...you know how it is...ANYWAY...sorry to vent on you, i just felt we had so much in common...I haven't really learned to deal with it yet, so i don't have much advice for you...all i can say is, try to find some friends with kids that you can spend time with...or ask him to watch the baby like one evening a week and get out of the house for a while..good luck! i wish i knew how far fairfield was from lorain, we could get together!

A., I can relate to your feelings of being unappreciated and taken advantage of. I have been a SAHM for 5 years and there are definitely times when I feel that way. I am married to a wonderful man also who works hard to support our family. I think it's really hard to maintain balance and reserve enough quality family time and couple time to keep everyone happy. Make sure you are talking to your husband about what you are needing and also be understanding and accomodating of his needs. I think it's really important to have friends and sources of support outside of your home too. My neighbor across the street is also a SAHM and we've become really good friends and often watch each other's kids. I have also really enjoyed being part of MOPS(Mothers of Preschoolers). It's a great way to meet other moms and realize you aren't alone on this journey of motherhood. I don't know where you live, but I could help you find a group near you if you are interested. Just send me an email to ____@____.com. Bottom line is: you are not crazy and your expectations aren't too high. Moms have needs too and we shouldn't be embarrassed to ask for help.

I feel your pain! I have been a sahm since my daughter was born 8 years ago. I have had the same issues with my hubby as you, and it didnt seem to matter how many times I talked to him or what I said, he didnt see me staying home taking care of the kids as a job. So what did I do? I went and got a job, just like someone else mentioned. I didnt care how much money I made, I was just sick and tired of staying home being his maid. So my first day , before I left i handed him a list of chores, and of course he wanted to know what that was for, and I said, well when i was home with the kids, I was expected to have all this done while you were gone, so now I guess it is your turn. Guys dont really understand that we do because they arent home to see it get done, and they just take every day things for granted. Now the first day I came home nothing was done, but he quickly learned because he wanted dinner, but well the dishes didnt get done so he had to wait until he got off his butt and washed them. Trust me, you with some time away you will feel sooo much better!!!!!

Hello A.. I hear you. My life has been like this for the last 7 yrs. I moved to OH from PA not knowing a sole. The children helped me stay sane. It's hard some days, it gets lonely at times. I try to stay busy with the children, my hobbies, and housework. My husband is great person, I've been married almost 18 years. He has narcolepsy(a disorder that causes him to fall asleep any place, any time.). It makes life rough and lonely at times. I try to make Sunday, his day off -family day. We do not do anything but family things, such as go to the park, watch family movies, play, spend as much of the day possible together. Your not alone. Have you talk to your husband about your feelings? I hope you find some peace.

I am not a stay at home Mom, however, I do know many of them. I have introduced many SAHMs to my home based business opportunity. Maybe if you were involved with your own business, your husband would show you the appreciation that you so deserve. Just a suggestion. If you are interested in learning more about how you can still stay at home with your little ones and make money, please email me at ____@____.com. I would love to help you get the appreciation that you deserve!!

Hello A.. It sounds like this is something all of us mom's go through, even the mom's who work. What I have yet to figure out is why is it that the mom's who work also have to wear the hats of cleaner, cooker, homemaker, child raising, etc! I agree that you need to explain to your hubby that you need "us time". Time where you are all together (my big thing is supper, why can't we eat together?) and "adult time" for the two of you. Since he has a tendency to become defensive, plan it yourself. Invite friends over for dinner and leave him a note on his car seat before work so he knows. Or have a surprise arranged for him once the little one goes to bed. I have found that those work for me. However, my husband works till 8 or 9 at night, so that is why we don't eat supper together very often. Best of Luck and I know my husband always appreciates it when I take the Initiative!

OMG!!!! It sounds like I wrote that!! I'm not sure how it works with you and your husband, mine is one of those that gets defensive about everything, but it usually comes to a head every month and a half. I have "The Talk" with him that I need more from him, tell me the house looks great, spend time with us, play with the kids etc, and things are great for about a month, then he forgets again, and about two weeks later it comes to a head again, and I have to remind him. It's not that he doesn't love you and the baby, he's just able to do this. and yes, we are "enablers", but don't be afraid to tell him what you need. It can only get better right?

First of all you need to communicate with him. Is there a reason that you live an hour away from his work? If you are staying at home, is moving closer to work an option - I know it's not a little thing, but that long commute when you're already tired can be very hard. Back to my first point - don't complain and nag, but sit down with him and say what you just said to us. Humans (and in my opinion especially men with SAH wives) are selfish. They think of their needs first instinctively. This not to say that all men are bad, I find myself doing this too sometimes. If you're tired, you want to rest. You don't always think about the way it will effect the others in your life. I'm a SAHM also and though I'm not in your same position I do experience something similar - my husband doesn't nap, but he sleeps in as long as possible - it's a good day if he's out of bed by 8 to start getting ready for work, then he expects me to understand why he has to stay late - since his job is important and it allows me to stay home. He can't seem to see that if he went to work an hour earlier he could come home an hour earlier, etc. Make a set schedule, although it may not work everyday at least you'll both know what to expect -for example, dinner time at our house is set for 6 pm. Though we don't always make it on time - at least we're all shooting for the same thing. Tell him that two days a week he can sleep as long as he needs, but the other three you and your son need him to join the family. It is always normal for mothers in general, but I think especially Stay-at-homers to feel underappreciated - I know I do! I hope things get better!
H.

I have to say that my husband and I are constantly reevaluating our time commitments with work, church, friends, etc. as we parent and want to spend time together. We get off balance quite a bit. Lately, my sister and her husband said something to us - which was so helpful - as my husband was working a lot of hours and missing things like my dad's funeral and our son's birthday.

Being self-employed, and growing up with self-employed parents, I tended to try to just understand. My sister and her husband are not self-employed, but I think that's been a good thing because they can observe when it gets a bit out of balance and say something. We do the same with them - it's great accountability and we've ASKED each other to do that. It's just so easy to get in a rut and think there's no way out.

Sorry to ramble, but this issue has been a tough one as we have another one on the way any day and we really want to be dedicated to receiving her together and making time to solidify our new daughter with our son.

Don't ever feel like you're crazy. Usually, this feeling is what is needed to prompt change. The question is how to communicate with your husband without his defenses immediately rising and blocking what you're trying to say.

Also, if your husband and son are your life - you will constantly be disappointed. There have to be other relationships and areas where you can be appreciated and use the gifts God's given you. It's a lot of pressure on them to be your everything. If you are getting fulfilled in other areas of life, when things are tough at home, it really gives you perspective that all of life is not going sour. (It also gives you a support system of people to talk to and give you perspective if you're involved with others.)

Don't know if this helps, but felt compelled to write it...have been there to some degree...

T.

A., find your passion. That's a statement easier said than done, but trust me, as a stay at home mom for the last 17 years, I can guarantee you that the one thing that is life saving is to have a passion.

When you discover what your passion is, I guarantee you will find ways to incorporate it into your life and it will become a great benefit to you AND your family.

As moms, we need to have things in our lives that recharge us and when we neglect to allow ourselves that care, we are actually causing our family harm in the process. The caretaker can't care for others when she is too depleted to even care for herself.

If you need help discovering your passion, feel free to email me.

Infinite Blessings!