Attention Seeking 6 1/2 Yr. Old Son

there is a book that I think all mothers should read It is called 123 magic I cannot remember the authors name but it really helped me but you have to stick with it because it does work, children only live up to what their parents expect of them what you give the world you get back another book is the Power of the subconcious mind well then the Law of attractionis another book then you will be able to create what you want not what you do not want I hope this makes since Love you all

Put up a calendar (something visual)explain to child that whenever he has a "good" day (according to specific expectations)he will draw a star on that day, and when he gets 5 stars (or how ever many you think he is capable of getting-no longer than 2 weeks)he will earn special time with Mommy (no baby) just you and him doing something special. Maybe you two can do lunch, go to the park, take a walk, play his favorite game etc... I think he doesn't like sharing his mommy with the new baby. Give him some time, it will get better!

Have you thought about getting him involved in sports? Something with a lot of running (like soccer) or basketball, it will use up his extra energy, give him a sense of belonging (team)and who knows maybe he will be a superstar in it. I think if he got involved in an outside activity it would help channel some of his wildness - try different things, maybe art or music lessons - what little boy doesn't want to be a rock star?

The beset advise I got when I had my second child was this: spend time with your first child. THe baby is new and will never know that she was put down in favor of a hug, or some time, with the older child. Do all the things with your son that you did before she was born. Bathe him, sit with him while he eats, read to him at night. DO all these things without your daughter in the room (as much as possible). One on one time with him is crucial, especially if he is craving attention.
And then I would read 1,2,3 Magic - a great book about a "time out" that REALLY worked for me and it changed my life. I never have to shout at my kids any more. Even though my son doesn't mind the time outs, at least I am consistent without raising my voice.
Good luck!

Dear L.,

You didn't mention, that I noticed, his age. It really doesn't matter. He is a child. We get so close to our children that we think that they are mature adults, and they are not. He just doesn't know how to handle lots of situations, and you and your husband are there to teache him. Please stop yelling, that just takes you back several steps each time away from a close relationship with him. He loves you sooo much and he doesn't understand that he is still very important to you, since you have two new loves in your life. I would say that you need lots of loving times with him. They don't have to be loong periods of time, just a touch or just 5 minutes or 10. He is busy being a child, and doesn't want gushy stuff, just true love. Treat him just like you wish that your mother had treated you. You were a child once and think back, you will remember stuff. He has never been anything before except a baby, so he can't think back, or even ahead much. He is just himself and needs his parents to be his beloved teachers.

Children laugh sometimes from true happy times and sometimes they smile or laugh because they are embarrassed or don't know what the heck is going on.

Get the book called 'Real Boys', I can't remember the author's name, but he is a true humanitarian and a psychologist. Gooooood boooook. Just skim through and get to the part that you need, and go back and use it like an encyclopedia on your son.

Forget about getting real Dad to do this or that, you can only irritate him and make your son feel insecure when he hears stuff said about real Dad.

Women forget - men are not women, and they are different, they are raised differently - you will understand the men in your life better as you read 'Real Boys'.

Give lots of attention to all your loves.

I am 76 years old and do not have enough time left to be 'nice', I just tell it like I learned it. O.K?

Sincerely, C. N.

It's hard to share the attention with a baby, especially if the first child is older and used to all the attention. (I noticed that when my children were under 2 when the new baby came along, they accepted it much easier than the child who was 3 when the baby came along.)

I always talked to the baby whenever (s)he was awake, so I made sure I talked about the other children if I knew they were in earshot, and pretended that I didn't realize that they were listening. I would tell the baby that Matt was this old, what he looked like, I praised his features, I talked about how Matt was my first baby and how happy he made me, what he was old enough to do, what he'll be learning to do soon, how much of a help he is, that when he goes to bed at night I miss him, I dream of him, I love his kisses, ETC... If you watch out of the corner of your eye, they love to hear themselves talked about and are very interested in how you see them. Then I would try to fit in there about how happy they make me when they are good, when they obey, or how sad I sometimes get then they misbehave. If the older ones appears in plain sight, I always act surprised that they're here and I whisper loudly to the baby that I'll tell them more wonderful things later.
The baby doesn't understand what you're talking about, but enjoys having you talk to them and hearing the sound of your voice. My other children looked forward to hearing me praise them and their behavior that day. I made sure that I mentioned misbehavior too and acted so sad like I was going to cry. They sometimes learn more from lessons not spoken directly to their face.
If they realize that you still have them(the older one) foremost on your mind while you spend so much time with the baby, they may not get as jealous. It reassures them that they are not forgotten.
This was something that always had positive affects at our home, and I've brought home 7 babies :)

hey L.,
Don't be too hard on yourself or your little boy.
You have had a lot of MAJOR life events and changes going on that would throw anyone for a loop.
I would say, if you haven't already, and in addition to the awesome advice you have already gotten, that you should start limiting his sugar intake.
Do you let him drink soda? Do you drink soda?
If you have that kind of stuff in the house, i would stop buying it and not have it around.
Do you have cookies and doritos for snacks or fruits and veggies??
Those types of things make HUGE differences in children AND our own health.
So if you aren't too healthy in those area's, i would start there.
If you are already all organic and don't have the bad stuff around, then YEAH!!
I think a little one on one time with you and your little man each day is called for. Sit down and play a game and read a book with him EVERY DAY!!
Make it like brushing your teeth...........just something you guys do together each and every day.
He needs it and so do you!
:)
Okay, I better go play with my kids now, having said that!
;)
S.
____@____.com

Sounds like what I went through with my two sons. About the same age when they had this behavior.

I found that walking away when negative actions are going on and to give real encouraging, hugs, laughter and such when the nice behaviot is happening. Even the small things, as they mean so much to little guys.

I never bad mouthed the absent parent and when they vented I just let them and listened. I told no lies to make him look better. Now that they are 33 and 32 they have caught on and have a very good outlook on life. They still do not see their dad. His choice. Even special days out, one on one, helped them feel special.

Remember that you are also just as special and important.

What worked for me when I was mom of 2 boys 6 1/2 and 8 1/2, my third son I knew would make for some jealousy. I had just gone through a divorce and a rebound marriage. So I made sure the older boys got lots of opportunities to hold the baby, making sure to take pictures of their active involvement in taking care of the baby. They took turns with feeding him and changing diapers, rubbing soft stuffed toys on his face, shaking rattles etc and their job was to see if they could make the baby laugh. It didn't take long to see that babies are a lot of work and they'd want to run off and play and leave the "work" to mom. They loved posing for the pictures too.
I'd hesitate to medicate your older boy unless you want to set him up for a lifetime of drug dependancy. Be sure he is getting a good diet rich in essential fatty acids (omega 3 especially) put ground flax seed in his breakfast food it has a nutty taste. Salmon and tuna are also rich in omegas. avoid albacore white tuna as it has higher mercury that the regular tunas. My youngest son is my 4th, and he eats lots of salmon and tuna and his hyperactivity disappeared. The older 3 boys are now 27-35 and get along great, though living their own lives apart as adults.

my husband and i only have 1 baby 17 months who is our angel, and getting ready to try for our second, ive often wondered how im going to show her she is still my special baby and at the same time show her to include her sibling because we are a family. ive thought 1st i will continue with our special routine at night of a bath, sit on the couch eat grapes and then a book, to let her know i still love our time together. she will be older by the time we have another baby so then i might say something like what do you want to do with your sister/brother so that she/he knows we love her and will take care of her. Or, ok you read your sis/bro a book. (my daughter likes to think she can read). Just make sure there is a lot of 1-on-1 time between your husband, you and your son. hope this helps.

do some self reflection mom! Kids act out not because they are bad but because they need something, feel insecure or have low self esteem. I recently went through the same thing with my 6 year old and it was me. I have a home business and I was spending way too much time on it. I now do it at night when they are asleep or when they are at school. I spend one on one time with each of my kids and 1 time a month my son and I go on a date. yes that is right. we either go out to dinner or somewhere else and we get dressed up and we talk. It has helped so much. try it. I bet your son would really love the time with you alone! Also try a reward chart at home. give him simple responsibilities like clearing the table, picking up his toys, etc and at the end of the week if he did it most of the time reward him. Maybe even start an allowance of 1.00 per week. it builds self esteem in kids to be responsible and contributing.

Hello L.. I didn't have any problems with my oldest child when my youngest was born, but I did some things with her to let her know she wouldn't be left out. Befor my son was born, I bought her a baby doll and taught her how to handle it and change it. After the baby was born, I included her in everything. She helped me feed baby, change baby's diapers and helped me dress baby. I know you have gotten a lot of advise to include your son in these things, but I just wanted to reiterate that it is very important to include him. Also, the one-on-one time is extremely important. My children are so close now that you would think they are best friends rather than brother and sister. I wish you the best of luck.

Absolutely you can attribute his behavior to the disruption in his old life with you!!!!! If he were 2 or 3 it would come out in regressive babylike behavior or withholding poop or stronger tantrums. Any punitive measures you take toward him (especially time out) will become increasingly less effective with time and you will have to up the anty, if you know what I mean. The side affect of this is that it really wont help to build his self esteem, and this is EXACTLY what he is needing. Set aside some special time with him that is regular that he can count on. A little of this will go a long way. He needs to know his place and that he is special. He needs to feel it through your actions not your words. If he has , in a sense, lost his dad, he very well may be feeling like he is loosing you now too. That is a pretty scarey p[lace for a kid to be. When he acts out, rather then yelling, take a breath, get close to him and calmly state the obvious to him..."you're really mad right now". Just acknowledging his feelings might be all you need to open him up. He needs to know you understand and arent judging him for it. If you can find ways to have him help with the new baby, hold the new baby, and let him feel involved, this will build up all the families ties and trust. I've been there too.

Just a bit more to add..the play therapy IS a great idea, but can be costly...2 options: contact your local college and see if the graduate students run a counseling center--most do as part of their coursework to graduate--since they are in training, it is cheap--like $5 per session. Another option: try play therapy at home...all you need is a special room or even a big tablecloth you put down on the ground..tell your son he will get "special play time" with mom..do this at least once a week for 30-45 minutes. Have your hubby take the baby to another area of the house so you & your son have uninterrupted alone time. You can even have special toys for the playtime, that you put away in between "sessions." You would be amazed at how this small amount of special time once a week will be all he needs to satisfy his attention-seeking.
1-2-3 Magic is also a great book--I know that was already suggested to you. I love the idea of talking to your baby about your son, too! That's great!
Good luck!!! Stay positive!! You can do it!!
:)

My heart goes out to you - but even more to your son. From his perspective, he is likely already missing his biological father, has a new male figure in his life and may be uncertain about that person's role, and now on top of everything, the way he sees it, his mom and the new husband have "replaced" him with a new baby. This is an extremely difficult and threatening situation in his mind. And 6.5 yr old boys don't sit down and express their feelings - they act out.
I have a 6.5 yr old boy and a 3.5 yr old boy and had a really hard time with my 1st son's jealousy when his brother was born. I believe that instead of coming down really hard on him at this time, you need to give your son EXTRA attention. Have your husband take care of your baby girl for an hour or 2 while you take your son to the park or out for pizza. It's better to actually go out with him so that you are not distracted by the baby. This is a time to give your son your UNDIVIDED attention. Also, this would be a great time to ask for some extra help from your son's dad, who should be spending one-on-one time with him. LIttle kids, especially BOYS, don't respond to words ("we still love you just as much", etc. etc) - you have to show them and reassure them by your ACTIONS.
Good luck.

Hi L.,

I suggest talking to your husband about scheduling some one on one step-father and son activities. Something they will both enjoy. Your son will feel special because he knows you each want to spend quality time with him. With your husband taking a special interest in discipline and nurturing your son will develop the respect and learn that he is important no matter how many siblings come along. :)

B. B.

Hang in there! My only advice would be to do something he enjoys and plenty of mom-only time. (Yea right with a 3.5 week old infant!) But since he doesn't see his father much and let me guess - his dad started his own new family too... I think you are right, he probably doesn't feel like he belongs anywhere.

You write that you yell at him and he laughs. This means he is so starved for attention that he even enjoys negative attention. That's kind of dangerous.

Not to be dramatic but combining families is such a complication. I would advise some family therapy - most insurance will cover it and you all will feel better!

Good Luck!

Your poor baby. My perspective after reading what you've written is that your boy is definitely seeking attention. My take on why is a little different, though. I'll preface what I have to say with the fact that I am a grown-up whose parents divorced. Both mom and dad remarried and had more children and bio-dad wasn't really part of my life.

So, here's what I think may be going on - your little guy is definitely starving for attention from his father. That is a given, but he is also missing you. Yes, you're there, but he has to share you with a very new husband and now a new child.

New babies receive so much attention and that's hard for any kid, but for one whose parents' have divorced it is much more difficult. The attention you're used to having all to yourself - the one thing that didn't change when the relationship between your parents fell apart - now must be shared with another being...one that everyone is fawning over. It's rather disconcerting and so you crave attention and do whatever you need to do to get it.

My suggestion as to how to make him feel like he's still special to you in my opinion is to show him by making special "dates" with him. One parent can go at a time on little special outings with him and make sure to spend some time daily at home doing things he enjoys doing one-on-one (or two-on-one). Lots of little talks where you reassure him verbally that he'll always be your special little guy probably will also help. And, finally, I would suggest letting him help "care" for the baby by asking him to sing her a song when its time for bed or something else that a six year old could help with and then praise him for being such an awesome big brother.

Shower him with love and affection, do your best to calm the yelling, continue to praise him and make it a priority to give him the attention he needs and things should get better eventually...if not, consider maybe some counselling where he can talk about his feelings to a third party. He doesn't really have an outlet to vent in a constructive manner so that might be quite helpful if the other suggestions don't produce the results you're seeking.

I wish you all the very best!

Hi L.,

Does you son have special time with you? I didn't have my dad around either, but my mom did give me some time alone with her. I am not saying that the lack of dad time is not important. but with a new baby in the house and a new step dad, he may be feeing that he is not important to you or that he is being replaced. I can only imagine that it is hard to just get a few moments alone for yourself at this point, but you might want to try to spend some alone time with him. It may help.

I don't know if this would apply, but just hearing your story made me think of children that my brother and sister in law adopted from Ethiopia. In order for the children to grow attachment to them, they would hold each child for anywhere from 15-45 minutes, completely undisturbed, concentrated time. And hold the child tight, both of them together. And sometimes the child fights. Eventually, the child will acquiesce. And every day they do this, it's been a year now almost with one child... they just adopted 3 more. Kisses and hugs were very important for attachment issues (only you know if your son fits this) -- these were things that my sister in law has read over and over in adoption books... so I don't know if this would help. But perhaps. Something that my father used to say to me is, children need to know that they are loved, you don't need to know or wait for them to love you-- you tell them, you initiate, you love.

Your gonna want to involve him more as much as you feel is appropiate. Ask him to bring you the baby's blanket or clothes or bottle. When you take the baby into the bathroom for a bath(whatever room you do bathing in) tell him what time it is and where your going. Then ask him if he would like to be mommy's lil helper while you bath the baby. If he says or nodds yes then cool. Explain what your doing in steps to him and have him actually participate in some of the responsibilities. Explain both good and bad and what is safe. Explain what is not safe and tell him why! He will sense that you love him and trust him. This will be a growing time with mommy for him. Be patience and relax. Try it and let me know what happens. Good luck! Need more ideas just let me know.
D.~ mother of 3

HI,
Congratulations on the new baby.

I have some ideas:
try to develop consistant routines with your older son involving a lot of 1:1 attention by your self, by your husband and toghether with the baby. at least 3 - 4 hours on a weekend and 2 hours on each week day.

Ideas: reading a book, taking a walk, going to a park, playing a board game, playing ball, swinging, going for ice cream, going to a library, going grocery shopping, going to a movie, renting a movie, going to discovery museum, going roller skating,

sign him up for martial arts - they work on behaviors as well

help him make friends his own age and have a structured 30 to 45 minutes time 3 -4 times a week....

Praise him a lot for any little thing he does, eating, drinking, smiling...

try for about 3 -4 weeks then scale it down once the positive behavior is stonger... return to more structure after his visits with his own dad....

the last thing have him help a bit with the baby, bring ing diapers, creams bottle, clothes, looking at the baby, playing peek-a-boo... and more....

maybe get a baby sitter while you are spending time with your son... but stay so you can oversee and be there for the baby nearby...
Best wishes to you all
A.

Hi L.,
This seems normal for what he is going through. Poor little guy sounds like he's confused, sad, angry and jealous for having a new sibling, new Dad, new home situation, divorce maybe? and forced to share it all. My son is younger and he also acts very jealous of our new baby sometimes but we find lots of hugs, holding, reading stories and playing with him work best. Yelling makes things worst. Try not to make a fuss over the new baby in front of him even though it's hard not to. I hope the old dad changes his bad attitude and /or the new Dad gets even more involved. Best to all.

L., i too have an older son by a previous marriage, as does my ex husband he has two. The youngest,mine was 8 his 9 when we had our son. Heres two very different examples.
. My sons father lived in a seperate countrie, never saw him. My step son's mother lived in next town over. I took time out w/my son, date nites
just he and i,when he came home from school i was home for the first time in his life. He knew i loved and adored him still even though we had a new baby, how?
Because i told him and i took time out just for him, that time out" made all the
difference in the world. My stepson on the other hand, his mom never showed up
my husband wasn't capable emotionally to give to his son as i did mine. I made it
very clear from day one my son was more important to me than any man. That did
not mean in any way my boy had the upper hand or controls, he just "fealt safe"
in knowing that he was still very important, he was very curious and involved w/ his baby brother. My step son spun out of control because he was not given the same attention, all the back and forth between mom's house and ours or her not showing up at all had such stressful and disruptive affects on our family that it just was not possible to stay in it. Its your job
as his mother to reasure him, hugg him, tell him you love him, if you know his acting out is about getting attention anyway he can, then "bingo" give it to
him "before" it starts, take time out just for you and him, he's not getting enough time w/ his own father and its a hard place for your new husband i know it too well, so you lead and everyone will follow. My stepson is now a
wonderful and strong young man we finally found a program that worked
the biggest difference was his mother "had"to show up and be accountable and my ex learned the tools he needed to father him. Even though were divorced now our son who's 11, is very lucky i feel, cause dad and i have been their done that were on the "same" team, and he too feels very safe and loved
he not only has mom and dad but 3 older brothers that "adore" him and they are his "supermen" trust me it didn't happen over nite, and we got alot of therapy. My stepson was sooo relieved when i showed up at one of the family sessions and said how from my
point of view when i came into the picture he was not intentionally or deliberatly pushed
aside, but he was. When we own it the healing begin's. while they are children they "must'
come first, give him all you've got so that when he's a man,you can truly look back and say
I did the very best I could, and you find yourself in a battle w/ him cause he's 20 and thinks he's all that, and got their on his own like my son does now, then you can yell at him,put your foot sooo far up his back side and say "OH HELL NOOO" YOU WILL NOT BE
TALKING TO ME" W/ THAT ATTITUDE, And not feel guilty. He's grown now and MY PEACE
comes first. Hang in there sista.

I have a 6 year old, 2 yrs, & 1 year old... all boys... make sure you are really taking time to spend with him alone... I know it's hard, but he has just had some major life changes...your new husband and a new baby all within 8 months. Give him a chance to adjust. Spend time doing things he likes, and he may come around. What kind of wild is he? Is he aggressive? If he is, it is important to stop that behavior before someone gets hurt. Do you have insurance to be able to see a family counselor? It would give you some tools and insight specific to your son. What does his teacher say? I also taught for 11 years before staying home. I hope this helps.

Hi L.,

Sorry for the late response, but I haven't been on the computer much lately or keeping up with this message board. Your post caught my attention though. I don't know how to check the other responses, so someone else may have already recommended this. However, I wanted to encourage you to go out and get the book called "Try and Make Me" by Dr. Ray Levy. This book has saved my sanity!!! I have a 5 & 1/2 yr old that sounds very much like your son. We have our own situation that I believe contributed to this, but it also has a lot to do with his personality type, what motivates him (control) and how our method of consequences was just feeding his defiance. Our PTA Pres. is also a parenting counselor and she recommended this book. We read it over Christmas break and have been implementing the strategies from the book. Prior to this, I truly felt I was at the end of my rope as well as nothing was working. I am THRILLED to say that the strategies in this book WORK!!! It helps you to show them who is boss and in control in a very loving and EFFECTIVE way. You should be able to get this book at your local bookstore.

Best of luck to you and know that you are not alone!

Hugs,
H.

Hi L.,
Everyone needs to be heard. Really heard. His behavior is saying "somebody help me". It's not so much what he's doing that needs to be corrected, but that he is not being heard or understood. It is very difficult being abandoned by one's father, this leaves marks that go very deep into the core of who we are. How have you dealt with this with him? He can be responding even more to how you react to this rejection. I'm a mother of 4 adult children now and expecting my first grandchild in April. I'm sooo excited. I have to say that my children really got ripped off in the grandparent dept. Both sets of grandparents seemed to be unavailable to my children. I felt that deeply as a young mother, and I'm afraid I made it worse for my children. (I was extremely blessed to have had wonderful grandparents even until my highschool days, as well as a great grandmother), so I knew what it meant to a kid. Kids that grow up without this in their lives don't know what they are missing. If your son's father is a jerk, whose to say that your son is missing out on anything good by not being with him. Clearly he has priorities that don't include his son, which would make him a poor role model at best. If you feel sorry for your son for what he doesn't have you are crippling him. You could be letting slide expectations you would have for any child who hadn't been cheated in the dad department. This causes him to react to the emptiness inside him by spinning out of control and hoping someone will stop him.
What you need is to see the treasure of who he is. Talk with him, or better yet let him talk about what is bothering him. What makes him happy, what makes him angry, what makes him scared. It has to be safe for him to be honest.

At one point in my life I got involved in a drama dept which was sooo much fun for me, life was very difficult with my 4 children and my husband had been in an accident and couldn't work for a couple years, he was depressed and we lived in a little apt and were on welfare. Being involved in the drama dept at our church was so much fun. I got to do costuming, and acting and pretty much escape from the difficulties in my life. People thought I was wonderful. Several years later at a Thanksgiving day with my extended family we had an "upset" which can happen, and my junior high son ran from the room humiliated in front of my family, people jumped in with their judgments and I was left crying. As my oldest son retrieved my younger son and we talked together about what had happened I was shocked to hear my junior high son say "You've never been much of a mother!" My oldest son spoke out "Mom, you were wonderful with me, I couldn't have asked for a better mom, but, well, you have been pretty busy lately!" That was huge! I had to see that they were right. I had gotten so caught up in my life that I had left them behind. That was the beginning of the rebuilding of my relationship with my son.
It may look to your son like you have moved on and he is a problem. If he would just get with the program you could have this nice happy life with your new husband. Children don't switch gears that easy. My mom had a boyfriend after she and my dad divorced, and we liked him a lot. Then she met and married another guy and we had loyalties to the boyfriend. We moved away from our old life and had to do a 180 degree change in our lives. It sucked! You have made huge changes in your 6 year olds life, and he's letting you know that he needs help. As a kid whose been there with that situation I'm asking you to show your son how valuable he is to you by taking whatever time needed to help him deal with his anger. This needs to be done with just you and him at first, not you new husband. You will save him so much pain and suffering and yourself years of regret.

You know the scripture "You reap what you sow"? I always thought of that as a negative thing,like "you're gonna pay for those sins.", but God showed me the beauty, what he really intended, If you don't like your present crop, plant different seeds, in a little while you will have a whole new crop to eat from! Wow! That's amazing. Ask God to show you the beauty of who your son really is. As you see those things, speak them over his life. If you see leadership in him, tell him things like, "Wow, I see that you're gonna be a great leader one day!" Then begin to read books with him about great leaders and what made them great.If you see he has great creativity, follow that path. Call forth the beauty and destiny you see in him. It will heal his heart to see that someone (especially you)really know who he is.
Blessings to you from someone whose been there and would definitey do things differently.
D.

When I gave birth to my second child, I realized that my first born may feel a little left out and would receive less attention. Have you tried, having a day out with your son and your son only. No baby around. A day about him for no real reason other than you want to spend time with him (doesnt matter if he was a terror during the week still give him that day). Not an hour or two, but a good portion of the day. Maybe once a week or every other week. This helped my daughter realize she was still a special person in my life after her brother was born. Also try not yelling at him when he is being naughty, calmly tell him you don't pay attention to little boys who are not behaving, put him on time out and ignore him. My daughter hates it when I ignore her. That is one of the quickest ways to get her to behave. It also worked for me. Like you said he wants attention whether negative or positive and if you give him that when he's misbehaving, then essentially you are still giving him what he wants. (I Learned this one the very hard and long way) Hope this helps in anyway.

Hi L.,

I hope I can offer some insight. I'm a step-mum (to be, getting married next summer) to two children 3 and 9. Their father and mother split the time 50/50 with the kids, so there isn't a time deficit. However what I have noticed is that they go through ups and downs with the imbalance that is always going to be there in their lives, their father is very attentive and aware of their needs, always looking for new ways to help them grow and learn. However their mother tends to be more focused on herself and her own problems rather than what they are experiencing and how they are feeling. Your son gets plenty of love from you and I'm guessing your new husband as well, but your son probably believes that he should be getting more love from his father. If his father weren't in the picture at all, he would probably feel less like a deficit and more normal in the relationship with your new child. My best suggestion is to act like his time with his dad is normal, that he is lucky to have his father in his life, even if it is on a limited basis. Make him feel special for that relationship. My partner and I are always encouraging the kid's special relationship with their mum, even on days when she forgets to give them a birthday present...

On the flip side, don't expect him to love his new sister straight away, that is a relationship that will grow. Even my fiance's older son (9) and younger sister (3) have battles where they threaten each other's place in the family. It's a totally normal part of growing up. Your son and new daughter will find their balance and harmony in their relationship in time.

Best of luck,
T.

I feel so sorry for your son. I'm sure he must feel abandoned by his father and now with an infant at home. I'm sure the tension around his misbehaving is creating a negative experience for you and your husband. I am not an expert but I would try ignoring the bad behavior (as long as noone will get hurt). I am always reminded of the arm wrestle analogy. Its fun when both parties are trying ( he acts-you react) but if one always give up (ignoring)then its no fun anymore. YOu must stick to your guns though-you cant ignore and then give him the same reaction you always do if it doesn't work right away. And the instant he minmizes his bad behavior-take notice and offer a reward. Then offer an even bigger reward for even better behavior. You need to create a self fullfilling prophescy that he is a good boy who you, daddy and your husband and new baby love very much. Create something for him that makes him special-find something he is good at and give him lots of attention for being good at puzzles, ball, building things, reading whatever. Good luck, you can change this (he can't wthout you).

Try ABA (Aplied Behavioral Analisys) It works!!!
Look for books on this subject or for a specialist!!! Love, G.. :0)

Almost all children get a little jealous when a new baby is born they think they will be out of the picture and to me this is normal, this will pass, he might think that if he acts out he will get the attention the baby gets, don't feel bad about giving attention to your new born but include him in the baby's feeding if you feed him a bottle let him help you, when you bathe the baby ask him to help you at least to get the things ready for the bath, include him let him feel that he is so important in this baby's life because he is the older brother, does your new husband include him in doing things with him ? never yell because this is what he wants , this way he thinks they did pay attention , do you call his attention for every little thing? don't , this is what he wants, just let him know that he too is important and loved just like your new baby . He is jealous but like I say this will pass he will be the normal , happy little guy that you had before , he has to cope with change and even in an adult this is hard .Just enforce that things will be okay, he is important and everyone loves him and that the baby needs him . This is normal. Some people react different to change. Don't feel guilty about him not seeing his dad as often as you would like he has you ,just try to make him feel important .This will pass but change takes time , don't despair.

Hi L.,

I was wondering if you ever asked an experienced nanny about this problem. Maybe through a web site or through looking at blogs from nannies.

The reason I say this is because I have watched (sorry if this is silly, but it's true!) the Nanny tv show and learned that nannies can became real experts from first hand experience with many kids. If you go to a doctor they will just prescribe your kid drugs to shut him up, so I would stay away from that.

Anyway, sorry if I can't directly help with my own personal experience, but I wanted to try anyway:)

Good luck!

This must be a very hard time for your son who is still so young.I know it is very hard for you you since the baby is just 3 weeks old but take some time with him alone, bring him with you to places he likes like the park or the movie just you and him so he knows he has his special place in your life. Also I think it would be good to include him in tasks related to the baby and reward him for that, for example he can organize her bottles in the kitchen or fold her clothes and put them away or hold the bottle while you are feeding her.

It sounds as if he's a bit jealous. Try spending one on one time with him (without baby). Then try sports - the best ones are the ones that also teach respect and self control (like martial arts for example). My other suggestion (which is the hardest) is to ignore all negative/bad behaviour unless he's hurting someone/something then remove him from the situation. If none of these things work after a bit (think weeks to a few months to modify behaviours) or if you just can't stand it anymore see a child psychologist/psychetrist. There are ones that do play therapy which works well with kids.

So glad that you found the help you needed. I would have been out of my element, had I tried to respond. You are very brave to be raising 2 children, and not just one, as I am.
What I do know is that every day is different, and while it may have worked, to give him lots of attn. the other day, when he got home from his Dad's, it may or may not work, Tomorrow.
I also know that children are very trying, and sometimes they like to push our buttons. I didn't feel a bit guilty, about having to ask the hubby to take over what is usually my job, this am, of getting my son ready and taking him to school. (My back is out). I have been doing this unpleasant and thankless job, for over a week, and picking up as much slack around the house, as I could handle because the hubby has been very sick w/ a chest cold. My back finally couldn't take anymore.
My son wanted a morning bath, when he usually only gets one in the eves. I ran it, and let him get himself in, then made his lunch and put it by the door, w/ a banana, and sippy of milk for the ride to school, and told his Dada where the clothes were, and abdicated all responsibility for the morning, after that.
I did call and tell the teacher that my boys may be a little late, this am. LOL.
Keep your chin up, because even if it doesn't work, again, Tomorrow, it'll probably work the day after that. Just don't drag the baggage of one day w/ you, into the next. Treat every day, like you've never been thru these same old motions before, and try to add some fun into every step of the same old same old.

Hello, L.,

I think you know exactly what is going on with your little guy when you wrote, "He seems to be lacking a special place in his dad's life and may feel that way with us now."

My suggestion is to have a special day and time that you WEEKLY, WITHOUT cancelling for any reason(!), that JUST you and he, WITHOUT the baby or your husband, spend time together doing something fun that HE picks out. Do NOT make this time contingent on whether he behaves or not. For discipline, you can take other privileges away from him, but NOT your time or attention during this special time. This time needs to be expected NO MATTER WHAT by him! Once he can feel secure that he has a special place in your life and that no matter how he behaves that he will get attention from you, he should begin to settle down.

Also, are you being consistent with setting boundaries with him? Do so calmly, WITHOUT yelling (I know sometimes it may feel "easier said than done"). But ALWAYS follow through on what you say will happen, and he should begin to respect you when you discipline him. If you escalate in emotion, he will mirror you, and that appears to be what he is doing now.

I could go on, but hope that helps for now!

Sincerely,
S. M. Wolf, M.A.
Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist

What a huge transition for your family! I think all of you need TLC right now.

First I would ask how you are doing. You have a new husband, a new baby and a rebellious son - any one of those would be stressful but all three together must be a shock. Are you holding up ok? Can you get away for a massage, a movie, or just an afternoon to yourself? Think of anything you do for yourself as a gift to your whole family - they will all benefit from a newly refreshed, more patient mommy.

Second, I really feel for your son. He suddenly has a new father and a new baby sister, and a lot less attention from mommy. It seems to me that he's crying out for love, and his actions suggest that he's confused and very hurt. I imagine that he will need a lot of love, understanding and especially discussions to feel secure and important with you now that these other people in your life are taking away your love, which used to be exclusively his.

Can you carve out time from your day to be with your son? Maybe you can time your daughter's naps so that you can spend 15 minutes after school playing ball or some other fun game? Maybe you can ask him to sit next to you when you nurse so you can talk about his day? Maybe you can teach him to help you with his sister's care - changing diapers or bottle feeding?

When your son does act out, I would talk with him, not at him. I would immediately stop the time outs, stop the punishments and even stop the rewards. Don't just stifle your son's emotions - he needs to learn to understand his own feelings and work them out. Whenever my son acts out, I tell him that his actions are "cover up" and ask him what's really bothering him. If he's not ready to talk, I will hug him, remove him from the situation, give him a chance to calm down, let him know that I still love him and am there to help him. I ask him about the cause - is he feeling jealous? Is he feeling that no one's listening to him? Is he upset about the rules? Usually, he'll admit to what he's feeling after a while. Sometimes, he'll feel better just be being listened to. I try to talk about what he can do to make the situation better or prevent it in the future.

One last recommendation - read Raising Cain by Daniel Kindlon & Michael Thompson. It has some great insights about raising boys.

Hope some of these suggestions were helpful. Good luck!

I went through this when my son was 4 and our daughter was born. For a whole year, he was HORRIBLe with me (and her). Rude, mean, hitting, yelling, you name it. I asked the preschool director for advice and she said "all misbehavior is due to unmet needs." So.... I made an effort to give him more one-on-one attention (good kind, not to reprimand.) It was sad, because I WAS no longer giving him any attention, and simply barking orders "we're LATe! Come on!!! Hurry up!!!" Nobody would react well to that. Things turned around once I did pay good attention to him. I had another preschool teacher advise our parenting class that each child needs 1 day with the parent a month (the more the better) of alone time. Around age 5 I took him out just the 2 of us (iceskating) and we both had a great time. So now I make an effort to do stuff like that with him. My 3.5 yr old gets to be alone with me a lot, he does not (he did when he was younger.) It * may be * that he's missing dad, but I'd bet money it has more to do with you. Perhaps he's feeling he's going to lose YOU now also. Show him that is not the case. BTW, punishing isn't going to work. It just makes the situation worse. He will get angrier and may withdraw (and go outside the family to feel connected to * something * ) ... not the thing you want for your son. EDITED TO ADD: My husband did spend more time with our son, but that did not make a dent. Our son needed one-on-one with ME. And that did the trick. So while your new husband may take out time for him (nice and good) he still needs attention from you.

When you talk to your child do you bring yourself down to his level so you can be face to face and eye to eye? I work with young children and find that that is the best way to communicate something of importance.

It is normal!! We have 5 kids and every time another is born, we ask the same question. Life is chaotic with a new baby in the house. Your son is probably seeing the baby get a ton of doting and even though he is probably getting even more than normal, it seems like less- because he is only 6. It is hard for us as parents to remember that they are kids and they understand like kids, reason like kids, and act like kids.
Ask your husband to do something very special with your son. Not spending any money on him! An on going project works best in our house. They will get creative. Maybe an art project or a model car. I have done a mosaic, and it took weeks! but it changed the way we spent our time together, and gave us something extra special to think and talk about in-between working sessions.
Also, be sure to stick to your rules. He will try to push you to your limit! Our kids are still trying (and our youngest is almost 2 months) to ambush us, but it is getting easier.
Just remember, it is a season in your (and your sons) life. It will not last forever.

L.,

I'm in the exact same situation. My son was 6 1/2 when I had my daughter. He's very much like you describe your son except I'm still married to his father. You might want to try reading a book that has helped me a lot "The Strong Willed Child" by Dr. James Dobson. It's a little old as it was written in the 1970's, but you can take the good advice and use your common sense with the out dated advise. What we do with our son, is of course involve him as much as possible, making him feel needed and wanted. We also separate our time with him to make sure we get a lot of one-on-one time. I try to take him to breakfast on Sunday mornings and talk. He's now almost 9 and she is 2. Their relationship is getting very close and he's a very protective big brother. He still feels "left out" a lot but we do the best we can by making a very big deal out of any of his accomplishments. (student of the month, 100% on tests etc.) We're going to take him to Knott's Berry Farm for an overnight trip for his 9th birthday. Good luck!

I have been in your shoes. My ideas and things that helped us a lot are: Some time each day to be alone with just Mom. One-on-One. And going out with just him as often as you can on short or long outings: even if it is just grocery shopping or the library. Less TV or video games and more games like cards and puzzles also helped us a lot.
Good luck!

L.,
Hi, have you ever read the Drykerst Method of Child Rearing(Sp?)? It is a wonderful book, I am afraid it is rather old. But, he hits the nail on the head. I am from a similar situation and my children are older now. One of the many wonderful hints that he gives in his book is that children need "One-On-One Special Time" with each parent. This is regularly scheduled time with that child alone. Never use this time as a disipled or take it away for bad behavior. Even if it is only 45 minutes. Make it a big deal, make him feel really special and important to you. This special time would include Mom, Step-Dad and his real Dad(each one seperately).I guarantee you will see an improvement in behavior. I can not tell you how this helped in my situation and how much my children liked our time together. My older children often tell me that the time we spent together made up some of their fondest childhood memories. I hope this helps and I hope you can find a copy of the book, it really helps; he has great hints and tips. Good luck!
G. K

I think you should have your child go to a children's therapist or psychologist with experience in divorced families. They are trained professionals who know how to talk to kids and get through. Your son is obviously going through a very rough time. His dad doesn't pay attention to him, his mom is in a relationship with a person who is not his dad and now he has to compete with another child. The little guy is going through a lot and you need help understanding him. I really think you should seek a good therapist.

P.S. Please don't get too angry with him for his acting out. It's not his fault he's going through this.

S.

Hi L.,
We have a similar family situation, only my older son was 10 when the baby was born. It is challenging, but before the baby came along my older son and I read together every night at bedtime. My husband has helped us to maintain this and keeps the baby if he is awake or if he wakes up during that special time with big brother. I admit I had slacked off for a while, but realized I needed to reinstitute it. I get tired and crabby too and saw that it was my choice to add another child, my exhastion is not my elder child's fault and I need to make special time for him still. We're back to our reading routine and both boys are doing well. Rebonding is vital when you feel least like doing it-when the kids are acting creepy. Good luck. :)

L.,

Thank you for caring so much for your first born, that you would allow yourself to say you simple just don't know what to do. As mom's we think we must be perfect, or we are failures. In my personal opinion you are a good mom, you realize your son needs something you just don't know how to give it.

I have personal experience with this problem, the only advice I believe you should receive is, seek professional help. It is a very common problem, that the right professional can help you, your son, and the new dad handle. Too often people think they can handle it on their own, only to realize later that it became so big it ended the new marriage. Children, even from the same biological parents, can tear a marriage apart. Trust me when I say you can not go wrong getting help from someone who knows what to do!!!!!!!!!!

Even if your finacial situation makes it difficult to do, please find a way, perhaps grandparents could help. You could suggest paying for counciling verses a bunch of Christmas presents. Obviously anyone could see the value there.

Good luck! Thank god mom's like you care enough to do something, instead of just say "John is such a handfull".

hi L.,
I am glad that you are reaching out to get help, sometimes we think that we are in this all alone. I just recently connected with Mamasource. My friend requested me to join, so I did. But I am a single woman with no kids, go figure. My heart goes out to you and your dilema. Sounds like your son is seeking attention (even negitive attention). Because your son has a different dad, the transiton with your new husband and a new baby may be very difficult for him. Remember to spend some good quality time with him, sounds like he really needs you during this time. I think that your husband really needs to make a bigger effort to bond with the family (expecially the 6 1/2 year old ) you are all a family now. I pray that it goes well with you. Remember God is bigger then our problems and He cares.
D. Hayes

Hi there. While it may be tempting to blame the lack of his father's presence for your son's behavior (and I am sure that there is certainly an issue there) it doesn't deal with the behaviors themselves. Sometimes if we want the behavior to change we have to let go of the why and focus on the how. Your son may be needing a sense of consistency and concrete limits. One thing that really worked for my son when he was acting out both at home and school was something called "That's the ticket". It is a ticket system for dealing with problem behaviors, but is also very different from the behavior mod stuff that I have seen in the past. It really focuses on helping the parent stay neutral rather than giving the negative attention through yelling, spanking, restricting etc. The child is given tickets for doing requested behaviors and they have to give tickets to the parents when they don't do the expected behavior. It is a system that resembles more of a real world situation...namely nothing is for free and if we want things in life we have to behave appropriately. You might want to check it out. I have purchased it online myself and have recommended it to a lot of parents. If you can follow it and get the whole family involved it is so worth it. My son now does things I never would have imagined before...without thinking about it...simply because it feels good to be rewarded for good behavior. His pride, self-esteem and sense of being a part of the family have increased. We are all very happy with the system and are going to begin trying it in a modified way with our 3 1/2 year old.
Good luck

Now, more than ever, is a good time to spend some 1 on 1 time with him. You without the baby and your spouse without the baby. When you're with your son for this special time, think of things HE likes to do. If he likes to run around and blow off steam, try going to the park. If he seems hyperactive, take him to the doctor and see if there are any medications or behavioral therapy that might help. Even if he doesn't have his dad more than 5 days a month, he has your husband. Any positive male role model will come in handy right now, even if it's a favorite uncle, grandpa, friend or neighbor. It is very common for children to act out when a new sibling arrives. You mentioned he was like this before though, so this isn't new, probably just magnified. Yesterday there was some articles on raising a spirited child on the BabyCenter.com website. Maybe if you do search on their site, there will be some useful information. There are plenty of books on this subject at the library and/or bookstore as well. It's hard to fully enjoy your new baby when there is a child acting out nearby. It's also not so pleasant for the new baby to hear yelling. That is why I think spending 1 on 1 time with the older sibling will give each adult time alone with the baby while the other one has the older boy. And it gives the older boy attention without the baby. If he is having trouble at school and with friends, look at the whole picture. Is it just an emotional thing or is there a diagnosis of ADD? The key is to try to nip it in the bud while he's young. The older he gets, the more his habits will be part of his daily life, and so will your avenues of dealing with them. I would be worried about putting my child on medication too, but IF that is what this is (ADD) then it will change all of your lives. I've read and heard about it being like night and day in the behavior, school and relationship areas. Having stress like this can really put a lot of extra strain on your marriage too. Make sure you husband and you also spend some time together, just the two of you. Have Grandma or someone you trust watch the baby for an hour or so while you two go to dinner alone. It's OK to even just stay home alone, so long as you spend time to nurture the foundation of your family. I also think it's nice if you find little ways to involve him in the care of the baby. Fun things like, why don't you pick a book I can read you and the baby while she feeds. If he feels in control of even little things, like picking out the book or her outfit for the day, he might feel more included. It's a small way to incorporate him into feeling more attached to her. When my middle sister was born, my oldest sister literally tried to throw her in the garbage. My mom took the approach where the older one needed to feel like she was helping to take care of the baby too. Teach your son that babies like "baby talk" because they can actually hear it better, invite him to talk to her in a sweet voice too. The last thing I can think of right now is to remember to pick your battles. You're going to need all the energy you can muster up right now. Don't sweat the small stuff and pay very close attention to the signs you're picking up on. It's hard to admit there is a problem, but that is the first step. You're being very honest about the situation. Not everyone can say out loud there's some chaos going on in their home. They want to appear like they have the perfect little family. It was very brave of you to speak out because chances are, there are other moms going through the exact same thing. If they were to ashamed or shy to speak out, you can help be their voice. There may also be some parenting classes the school or your community offers. I went through a 6 week class when I went through my divorce. It helped a lot to keep a new perspective on things.

I think he is jealous of the new baby's attention. Get him involved in her care and include him as much as possible. Don't make a big deal about Dad being away it only brings attention to it. He doesn't know its a problem unless you make it one. Try counting before you discipline up to three. This way he knows he has a limit. If you reach three do not back down. He will get the picture after a while. Then you will only get to two.

Good Luck, Remember Love conquer all things.

You didn't say how old your son was. A lot of times play therapy can really help kids express their anger and learn to communicate effectively. This past summer, my then 5 year old daughter went through a lot of problems, bad behavior, attention seeking stuff and I was so worn out. Her father left when she was 3 and she doesn't seem him often. I by her Pediatricians recommendation got her into play therapy. I am not kidding within three mos it was like a new child. She and I learned to talk about her fears and if she was confused about something learned to talk to me vs, express it with bad behavior. A lot of issues with attention stem from a child with a lot of stress, anger or upset they cannot express. Play therapy helped me daughter get this stuff out on the table so I could help her deal with it. Here we are all this time later and it is even getting better. I am empathetic to her worries/stress and validate her feelings, however have also made her responsible what she does with those feelings. Putting them in power of themselves is huge and so empowerig for them. One thing was "it is okay to be sad, upset or angry, however it is not okay to act like this when you have these feelings, let's sit down and talk about what is really going on.".....when I gave her validation it was like a cloud lifted for her. One thing the therapist taught me too was "you cannot control a child, you CAN teach them only to control themselves"...very powerful and very accurate. The more you try and control the behavior the more resistance you will get. Good luck....

My partner and I blended our families about four years ago and of course, all three of our girls acted out in their own way. However, all kids act out when they must share attention and when I was still married my older daughter reacted when the little one was born. I found that giving her "big girl" tasks to help me worked very well such as drying dishes or dusting and I rewarded her with a lot of praise (she felt that I needed her). Now that they are a bit older, I try to give them each their own special time such as an hour or two to have coffee/cocoa with mommy or taking a walk. Tell him its YOU that needs to have some of HIS time. Then afterwards, tell him how thankful you are that he took time to be alone with you and that you can't wait to do it again. Make sure you make it regular. Also, diverting negative energy into something positive is key. Instead of destroying something, give him something constructive to do like folding laundry and tell him often that you don't know what you'd do w/o his help. If all else fails, parenting classes can be helpful.

Hi L.,
It sounds like some time alone with you might help a lot. If at all possible, I would try to plan a date night or family night and include him in the decision. I'd have it every week so he would have something to look forward to each week whether it be time alone with you, time together as a family doing something he enjoys or both.
Good luck!
M.

L.:

Congratulations on your baby girl!

I think you answered your question yourself - he's seeking a special place. Why not give him that - go out on a "Date" with your son - just the two of you - no one else, no phones, etc. Go to dinner or a movie, maybe a park - give him something he craves - your undivided attention.

I think this will go a long way in helping him feel like he's still special and that your love for him hasn't changed! Some kids feel like the baby is more important because he/she takes up soooo much time and it's easier to get yelled at because then he is getting the attention he wants.

How does he get along with your husband? Does your husband do anything with him - play catch, help with homework, etc or does he just concentrate on "his" child. As that's probably what your son feels like - an outsider.

On your dates - talk about positive things and how he can help you out around the house or with his baby sister. Encourage a relationship between them - let him hold her, change a wet diaper (yuck to dirty ones! :) ) and ask him about his day, what his dreams are etc.

I hope this helps.