Asking for Money

That is really tacky. You could either not go (since it's only an aquaintance) or buy a $50 Savings bond in the child's name (cost to you is $25)

Sheryl

I know I am late responding to this but HAD to weigh in on this since I didn't see it in any of the other answers. I would have just sent polite regrets.

Hi A.,

I agree that asking for money is very tacky. I know that kids do like receiving money and/or gift cards so that they can go shopping, especially girls. You could always think of a cash gift as the girls' shopping spree. Or, instead of giving money, how about donating to a charity, like having a tree planted in her name or buying her a membership to a theme park, etc.? Good luck.

Last time I got an invitation like this, I decided to make a donation to my favorite charity (Christian Children's Fund). Then I gave the birthday girl a card saying I'd given X amount of money in her name to the charity. After all, if people admit to having "everything," then how can they complain when you make a donation to a child who has nothing? If a child's parents won't teach her that people mean more than things, why not do your part to teach her?

I think this is extremely tacky, and I'm not sure I would be able to go to the party. For my second daughter's first birthday, instead of gifts, we encouraged people to donate to the American Red Cross. Her birthday is in January and it was right after that huge tsunami a few years back. I also feel like a child can never have too many books, always a good choice for a gift. I've also done a "book exchange" for parties, where each child brings a wrapped book, and instead of the birthday girl getting all the books, everyone at the party gets a book. Birthday parties are supposed to be fun, but I think they are also a great way to teach children about sharing and giving, and not so much about "me,me,me". Good luck in deciding what to do...

-K.

Very tacky,
I would instead donate money to a child in Africa in the kids name!

Very tacky indeed. I would only give money if the the child wanted his/her presents to go to a charity in which I could write a vheck directly to the charity.Some youngsters have a big heart like that.

If this family has been blessed with more than enough resources to meet not only their daughter's needs but also her wants, how about using this event to reach out to families who aren't as blessed?

I bet the battered women's shelter would appreciate some donations of diapers and baby toys. You could make the donation in honor of this child's birthday and make a note in her birthday card to let them know.

Maybe they didn't even consider that option. It would be a great way to celebrate this precious little girl!

A.,

Yes, it is SO tacky to ask for money!I can't believe that they put that on the invitation- so rude! I think that a gift card would be excellent for a gift.

Molly

Hi A.,
That is very tacky. I would give a gift card. It is the same as money really and it insures that at least it is being spent at the store and not going into a bank account as you mentioned.
Good Luck

my son's birthday is coming up and i have the same problem..he has a lot of toys and clothes...he has gone through everything he no longer wants and has given them to the womens shelter..never on his invitations did i ask for money (i was brought up better than that)...breding does show ladies.

I'll give her the benefit of the doubt and say that the mom may have meant well by trying to address all the questions of "what does she need?" for everyone at once. But I agree with you that it did come out extremely tacky. If you know the parents enough to tell if they are usually tacky or greedy, or if it was just a misstep, that might help you figure out what to do.
Despite the message on the invite, I would still probably try to find a nice, actual present, that wouldn't matter if she already had lots of, like books, learning games, or educational videos. If you want to go with the money, I think a gift card is perfectly appropriate, but don't feel obligated to make it for a large amount.

It is tacky. and it puts the giver in an awkward position - when you give a gift, the recipient doesn't always know exactly how much it cost, but when its cash, its like - here is what I have, or this is what i'm willing to spend on you, or for some, this is what our relationship is worth. On the OTHER hand, how nice to breeze past the toy isle and avoid the "does she/he already have this" dilemma, or to wonder if the clothes fit . . .

very poor etiquette choice for the parents to do that.

I wouldn't give cash I like the idea of donations to a charity in the child's name or even a savings bond to be a better idea.

Dear A.,
You didn't mention how old the kid having the birthday is. If you are considering a gift card at Babies R Us, I'm guessing not very old.

I have two children and I would never THINK of putting something like that on one of their birthday invitations. Not for a second. Obviously depending on the age, when children get a little older, children can realize that birthday parties are about having friends and family around them on their special day. It doesn't have to be about "giving" them stuff. In fact, we always had favors and gifts for the people who came to share the day with us. It was more about being gracious to the people we had invited as opposed to the other way around. I have seen parents put notes on invitations saying that their child has everything they need, so in lieu of gifts, donations to the local animal shelter, rescue mission, or another charity in the child's name would be appreciated. And I was never offended by that. They wanted to give instead of receive.

Maybe, like you, these parents are first timers and they don't understand what is and is not appropriate. I don't know what kind of party they are throwing, but perhaps they are requesting money to recoup the cost of the party. That's not considerate. Maybe they don't know better. I think the gift card idea is wonderful. And there are plenty of "keepsake" type of things you can give a child that aren't toys or clothes. I have started charm bracelet traditions. I bought a bracelet and a charm. Then, every year, someone could add another charm. (Grandma's always loved this idea and wanted to be the one to buy the charms. But it never fails. Always an aunt or someone wants to get a charm as well). Anyway, the bracelet is not to be played with, it's a keepsake, and can be given to the girl on her 13th birthday in a jewelry box to have and keep and take care of herself. I don't mean the stretchy link-type bracelets that were the craze a while back, which are fine, but the other kind. With actual little dangling charms.
Just an idea.
I say any gift should be welcome. And since it sounds like it's just an acquaintance, I wouldn't worry about it. It's not like they can kick you out of the family or anything.
I hope the other parents just kind of do their own thing, too.

Take care and try to have fun at the party.

Hello A.,
Talk about totally tacky. She could ask for books or something. On party invites I include the current size my sons wear so if they want to purchase things for their future use. Hey things for children are expensive. I am greatful for anything I get. The mother can take items she does'nt want for store credit also. If it makes you feel more comfortable to give a gift card then do so. The gift should be what the person attending chooses. I have heard of people asking for money to pay for their honeymoon instead of gifts. Because they already have a complete set up household. This is such a new low for people to stoop to. Hope this helps. Have a great day.

I have to agree it is a bit tacky to ask for money, maybe your aquaintance should have registered somewhere if the need is for other baby things like furniture or other things. My feelings are maybe a gift card to a store(s) that sells baby items, this way they can get whatever the baby needs besides clothes or toys.

It is somewhat tacky and beyond inappropriate to ask for money unless from immediate family, but a reason is normally given like - for the child's savings or college fund, etc.
A gift card- depending on how old the child is, may not get used for the child.
I suggest making a donation in the form of a bond or cd that will mature over the child's life, or a donation to a charitable organization in the name of the child.
Another really cool gift that stays away from what the child already has is the international star registry. I don't remember the cost, but the child's name will be assigned to a star and kept in the national database as the official name of that star for all human time. It's pretty cool and the certificate is really sweet. You could frame it.
If all else fails, ask the parents if in lieu of the gift you could make the cake or some goody bags for everyone. This way you are helping out, and not being checked for cash at the door as it were.
Good luck!
-E.
P.S. There is always the respectful decline sent with a birthday card. And maybe a certificate for a child's ice cream cone at your local creamery.

I sympathize with the problem of having too much stuff. However, asking for ANYTHING specifically is pretty tacky. If a mutual friend knows that someone needs or wants something specific I think it is OK to arrange something. For instance, my kids have been to parties where the child really wanted something very expensive (an American Girl doll is one example) and another mom (NOT the girl's mom) arranged for many of the girls to chip in for it. Otherwise, I really think that part of the FUN of going to a party is getting to choose a gift that the party girl or boy will like. It is the responsibility of the party child to graciously accept it. It is part of growing up to learn how to do this. As a party child, I think it is OK to ask for something specific if you are point blank asked, though I still think money is a boring present and gift certificates are only one step up.
It sounds like you are going to a party for a baby though ... I think a gift certificate in this case would be fine. Or maybe a savings bond?
I guess this is sort of a rant. Sorry about that. It's one of my pet peeves.

I absolutely agree with all the moms here. Asking for money is beyond tacky, and I can see how this can make people uncomfortable. Personally, most of our friends have enough toys/clothes for their children that they request for no gifts so I started a practice of donating $25 to a worthy cause like savethechildren.org in honour of the celebrant. This is one way I could teach my child of the gift of giving; and hopefully, my friends are passing the same lesson to theirs.

The process of having to buy savings bonds is too time consuming, and unless the recipient is family, then this would be worth the time. Buying gift cards is just as labored so I always opt for the most seamless -- I make my donation online, and the system sends an ecard to the recipient. Voila! I save fuel, precious time, while perhaps making a difference in someone's life. Though the gesture seems effortless, it makes an impact in our lives and others in so many levels.

Yes, it is a bit crass to ask for $$. That being said, I have been to parties where kids are asked to bring a new or gently used book for a book exchange, instead of bringing a gift and handing out party bags. We all have too much stuff, and I have also asked people to bring a toy that will be donated to the local shelter for kids who don't have stuff. That is at least as meaningful for the birthday child as money for younger kids. They can help to deliver the items, and we usually get them one special item for their birthday. BTW, with grandparents, all bets are off with this idea ;-)!

Hi A.,

Yes, this does seem rather unconventional but maybe they are just leaving a detail out. For example, maybe they will put the money into her savings account or college fund vs just cashing the money into their account (though as we both know it will still probably be spent on her). Giving cash can seem so impersonal which may be why you feel funny about it.

A gift card sounds like a good solution if you don't want to give the cash.

Have fun at the birthday party!

T

Dear A.,

I would send a birthday card with regrets that you are unable to attend. This is the height of tacky asking for money....you do not need to associate with people like this.

i agree, asking for money with no explanation of what it will be used for is a bit tacky. if they were saying 'please donate toward our daughter's new big girl car seat, or college fund, or a new bed etc" that would be understandable. people want to give gifts and if they are going to give money they want to know for what, itleast i would. i think a gift cert is a great thing to do...you are not being weird:)

Wow, well take advantage!

Send some dough in her name to Myanmar or China. Oxfam and the World Food Organization are taking donations.

I also like the idea of planting trees in someone's name, so the Arbor Day Foundation has a whole website where you can donate trees to be planted in the name of the recipient.

It's the gift of money that keeps on giving to the world!

I am also seriously digging the book exchange idea down below.

Tacky? Yes I think it is very tacky. Obviously that person never learned the art of Etiquette. I am constantly stunned by the request for money from brides, showers, etc. Can I go one step farther and state that it is also uncivilized? What makes us different from the animals is that we assume some intelligence when it comes to dealing with other humans. It seems that GREED has become the bottom line in everything be it businesses or personal relationships. I hope soon there will be some kind of backlash that will finally put us back to thinking of how we should act instead of what can we get.

I agree with you! Asking for money is tacky. I think your suggestion of a gift card is a nice idea. This child may not need anything at the moment but eventually she will grow out of clothers or shoes and need new ones. Your gift card can towards something like that. Another idea could be a savings bond.

It's my opinion that this is very tacky to ask the guest. However to ask family is okay by me. Instead of cash, go for the gift card, a C.D., Savings Bond, etc. This way you're still giving cash but in a different form.
T.

I do feel that is tacky to ask for money for a childs b-day gift. It's not like the child is old enough to tell you that's what they want. I would get them a gift card, and not feel bad about it. I'm pretty sure you won't be the only guest who chooses to get a gift card or gift instead of money.
I have never had anyone ask for money on an invite to a b-day party. Godd luck.

I totally agree. I would give a gift card.

And I DON'T agree with the other moms who advise to donate to a charity in her name/honor? NO WAY. Donate to the charity anyway AND give a gift/money/gift card.

I agree with the Mommies who advise to get a savings bond. THAT is a GREAT idea!!!

I would NEVER do that even if I knew my child didn't need anything (which she doesn't). Some people don't have any tact. I have been in the situation where people have done the same thing and it just disgusts me. I feel that you should buy whatever you want. A birthday party is supposed to be fun...No one should be stressing about a gift.

you could ask if they have a bank account set up for their child for college then deposit the money you would have spent on the gift there. you could also adopt a whale, wolf, part of the rainforest. if you do that, you normally get a info kit, about the whale or what have you.

I agree asking for money is extremely tacky. It would be one thing if they asked for you to contribute to a college fund but just for cash is quite lame.
I would do the gift card or no gift. Honestly how much would you have spent $10 or $15 on an acquaintance? Babies R US is a good idea, or Target.
And no you are not weird.

Asking for money (on a personal basis as opposed to fundraising) is always tacky. It would have been more gracious to have said that they preferred that there were no gifts, as the emphasis of the party was a celebration among friends and family or some such other explanation.

That being said, I think a gift certificate to some kiddie store is completely inappropriate, though well intentioned. Either the parents need the money (which is not for anyone to judge) or they will put it aside for their child's future use. If they don't want toys or clothes, etc., then they don't want a gift certificate either.

It should be noted that some people choose to give money as a gift because it is universal and can be used as the recipient wishes.

If you are not comfortable with their rather gauche suggestion, you could always opt for not attending a party for this "acquaintance".

OMG - that's incredibly tacky! Gifts are NEVER required in the first place. Not sure who they think they are to request money. If they don't want more "stuff", they should just request "no gifts, please". Tacky, tacky, tacky ...

Since I'm sure you don't want to go empty-handed (not many of us would feel comfortable with that), I like the idea of movie tickets. A gift card to a bookstore is always a good idea, too.

Good luck!

no I don't think you are being weird at all- it is strange to ask for money in any card- if people do not want toys or clothes then they do not get to ask for money-the only exception is for a charity, or a college savings fund. which I might suggest doing, maybe writing a check and filling it out in the child's name so that the parents must deposit it in a savings account for her, or can you buy savings bonds in $25 amounts?, or maybe gift certificates to the little girls' favorite restaurant or ice cream parlor, to ensure that she gets to enjoy the gift, you are not weird, the girl's parents are
good luck

i agree with you.. I believe that it is extremely inappropriate to ask specifically for money instead of gifts. If the kid doesn't need anything, then request NO GIFTS on the invite. Or donate the money to a local charity or something, you know? I think a gift card is the way to go. They don't expire, and they can use them when they need them. Good thinking!

What about a donation made in the child's name to a charitable organization? If her child truly has everything she needs, then this might be a thoughtful gesture. You could chose something child-specific, like St. Jude's or the like, or something child friendly, like a local zoo, etc.

Yeah, that's poor taste. I've already decided that I'm going to avoid giving traditional birthday gifts when my son goes to parties & have him make something for his friend. Seriously - almost everybody does not need additional clothes & toys for their tots - am I right?? And even if you did, the local thrift stores are abundant with affordable choices. I think a handmade card, something fun with paper, glue, stickers & whatever would be a lot more appreciated anyways. I'm not creative at all, but that's why I love the Internet - there are tons of websites dedicated to that kind of thing for kids. Do you know the mom well? Maybe just ask her what the $$ will be used for? I think the gift card idea is great too, but again - it's the CHILD's birthday...what kid doesn't want something special made just for them?? Just a thought :)

Oh yes.......... the tackiest!! I too have always had alot of clothes and toys for my kids....but I would never ask for money ....it is very offensive in my opinion! When people ask me what to get my kids....I always....say they would like anything they receive.
Good luck!

D.

Why not get a savings bond and give that as a gift. My sister in law gives my kids a $25.00 savings bond every year for Christmas. I appreciate that more than toys they will break. I don't think I could ever ask for money, unless the money was being given directly to a charity. I have been to birthday parties where the birthday child has chosen a charity and we have given a donation to that charity. If she truly has more than enough, then maybe teaching her daughter about giving back to those who truly need it might be more appropriate.

That is way tacky!!!! I think that a gift card is fine, however, be careful as many stores are going out of business these days and cards are either not being accepted or end up being worth nothing. Good luck.

A.,

I personally wouldn't ask for moeny either. What i normally do if I dont know what to get for a gift, i get a gift card at a toy store or something for kids, that way the parents can pick out what they know they need for their kids. But just flat out asking for money.. is kind of wrong, because you dont know everyone's financial status at the time, some might not be able to give much or none at all, I would just except anything that is given to me. They usual give out gift reciepts, so if it's something that you don't like ( which is normal and understandable) you can return it and or exchange it.

Have a great day!
C. Z
San Francisco

Hi A.,
I've heard of requesting no gifts, which technically is considered tacky but I wish we all could do, but not requesting money (definitely tacky!). Perhaps this mom was making a clumsy attempt at asking that guests donate money to a charitable cause instead of giving an unneeded gift to someone with more than enough? Either way, I would personally make a donation to a charity in honor of this child's birthday. Some ideas: a donation to a food bank, new books for a children's hospital, supplies for teachers at a local school, etc. Definitely do not give to the parents' back account, but if this family says it does not need material goods, I would take that info at face value and give the money you would have spent on a gift and use it to help those in need. Most nonprofits will send (or give you if you need it right away and go in person) a card acknowledging that a gift has been made in someone's honor. That and a regular birthday card would make a lovely present, imo, and you'll have something in hand when you arrive.
K.

I wouldn't give money. There have been alot of good suggestions here. What are they using their child's birthday as a business venture?

While the wording was tacky the sentiment is not. My husband and I asked for money when we got married it is was accompanied with a statement that said we did not expect or need any gifts which was the truth. In todays society there is a problem with "stuff" and we both hate it. It is wasting peoples money to allow them to buy presents for you that you know you do not need or want and there is something wrong with that in my mind. There is a culture that we "need" stuff. I credit this parent with wanting to avoid this for her child. At the same time there are people (including myself) who love to give gifts and love to see the expression on the persons face when it is opened. Some of these people are hard wired to give gifts and feel uncomfortable if they can not give a gift. So to me it is a happy medium. Knowing that some folks could not see giving money we also registered for a few things for our wedding that way there were a selection of options so everyone felt comfortable.

There is no mention as to how old this child is so I don't know whether giving a charitable gift is suitable the child may not be old enough to get it. In which case a monetary gift to a college fund might be better. These things would depend on the childs parents and the kind of thing they are in to.

If it were me I would contact the parent for clarification as to what she meant and then make up my mind. She may not know that what she did was tacky and by asking her what she intended she might realize it was tacky and be very embarrassed and realize that she needs to clarify with everyone who got an invite. Better that than everyone sitting on the edge judging her. Give her a chance to correct her probably innocent mistake.

Lastly why are we all so afraid to ask for something that we would like too i.e. money. I see several posts from people saying they would love to do this but it is tacky. If this is actually what we need in this age rather than "stuff" then how will it change if no-one steps up and asks? If we became a culture that was not afraid to ask for meaningful gifts rather than "stuff" for the sake of gifts wouldn't we be better for it?

It's a gift you are giving dosen't matter what form it is. If it's cash then thats what she wanted. Don't think about it so much enjoy the bleesings of giving.

I agree with the tackiness of it. If she does not want clothes/toys etc. in stead of actual money, you could get a savings bond. When you buy a $100 savings bond you only pay $50. It's 1/2 of what the bond is worth. Another thought would be to buy her 1 or 2 play day or what ever you want to spend for a day at gymboree or something different like that.

Good luck, Trish

In lieu of flowers my mom gives charitable donations to an organization called "Smile Train" which collects funds to repair cleft palate for children. She usually does this when someone has passed away, but I think it is a great idea for anyone who would not like a "gift". I believe Smile Train provides an acknowledgement or thank you card to the family the donation was made in the name of. Perhaps this would work...or donating to another cause like childhood diabetes/cancer/literacy or anything personal to the family that is having the party. I agree, why pad their bank account?

i WISH it wasn't tacky but it is. i'd love to ask for cash/checks for my son's savings account but it is tacky and i'd never do it as much as i'd like to!! Because he DOES have way too many toys, stuff, and clothes. I'd even be happier to get something practical and useful like diapers or wipes to save me money on those items. I don't know what I'd do if i got an invite like this. I'd probably go ahead and give cash but only like $10.

dear A.,
You have every right to dismiss a request you don't approve of. For that matter, you don't have to give any gifts at all unless you want to and if you prefer to give a gift card, that's perfectly all right.
Hope you enjoy the event. S.

A. B ,

I think asking for money is a little different .
Depending on how old the birthday child is movie tickets
are a great gift .There a bunch of kid movies coming out soon . Books are always a great gift too .
You can never have to many books . Since they don't want
toys , perhaps a gift card to Border's or Copperfields .

Happy shopping

I sure would like to get ideas on this one too,, I would go with a visa style gift card that way its not a bank account and can be used for whereever they vhoose to shop for her. But I am in the same situatoin because my only daughter will be having her sweet 16 with a nice sit down dinner with family and some friends and I am trying to figure out a nice way of asking for monetary gifts only either cash or the visa style gift cards because we are then taking her and a friend to the coast for a girls weekend shopping trip. but I also dont want to sound greedy by saying send me money please. I would and have instead of money just went to Walmart or Target and gotten those gift cards,, I al most refuse to give straight money anymore

I would give a gift card also. That is tacky!! How do the guest know that she is not going to use the money for herself or pay bills whatever. I would get the gift card to Babies R Us or Toys R Us so she can not get anything for herself.I know my kids love getting gift cards. It makes them feel like they are big. We go to the store and I tell them how much they have then they shop and get whatever they want. It is fun for them to pick out something then pay themselves. A savings bond is always a good idea also. But you don't put something like that on the invitation. Maybe you can tell family that or close friends. THat is a little wierd to me also. But I know I wouldn't give any money.

I plan on asking for donations for my son's first birthday, but I'll also EXPLAIN that we're trying to build his college account and any money given will be put into a 529 account. Of course, my son will only be 1 and he won't understand opening presents and what they are for. I would also expect that some people will still give clothes and toys, which is fine also.

However, since the mom did not specify anything of the sort, I can totally understand your feeling and it does come of as being tacky. Go with your gut... if you want to buy a gift card then do so. Target is also a great place to get one. That way they can get diapers, toys, bath stuff, clothes, etc. for the child. Because I don't know anything about the family I can't say whether or not they would take the money and use it on anything other than their child. The one down side to this is that people can't put it on their credit cards so they tend to give a little less ;).

How funny!! Think about what you know about the child and her intrests and make a donation to say a Rescue Shelter in her name. Where do these people get off???

Another good idea is a savings bond in the child's name. My sister gets my children savings bonds every year and then just a little toy. They are worth double the value you pay for them.

Wow that is in extremely poor taste. And a birthday party with no presents is just boring. I have a family member that’s like this. If you give her or her kids or her husband a gift she asks for the receipt and takes it back. It’s a control thing and it drives the entire family crazy. Now we just buy gift cards, usually for Target. Either get a gift card or buy a gift and include a gift receipt. If the parents give you that look just say that you saw it and couldn’t resist.

I don't think you're being weird-- I think your acquaintance is being super-buper tacky. I'd just give a card or a small toy you think the child will enjoy-- it's about the child's enjoyment, after all, not her mother's perception of what she has/needs. Or maybe a gift certificate to frozen yogurt or ice cream. In any event, I'm with you-- don't give money!

personally I think that it is a little tacky to ask for money...It seems like saying no gifts are necessary would have been sufficient. That being said I think whatever you give is fine, a gift card is nice and whatever you are comfortable with is fine, when it comes to gifts I think it always is.

I think that is very tacky. I would give a Barnes Noble/Borders gift card or pick out some books for her. A child can never have too many books.

That is so tacky! I think a gift card would be perfect. It is monye she just can only spend it in one place.
A.

Terribly tacky....and especially to write it on the invitation!!! You're not being weird at all. I think a gift card to Babies R Us is a great idea. I too dread thinking about where I'm going to put MORE TOYS or more clothes but to ask for money is so rude.

No, you are NOT being weird about this. I think that is so inappropriate. What happened to "No gifts please" or something tasteful to avoid the inundation of MORE toys. But, to ask for money...wow. I've never heard of that one. I would definitely do the gift card and not think twice about it.
Good luck, T.

I would suggest making a donation to a worthy cause in honor of the Birthday Girl.

I don't know if tacky is the word but it is different. I agree that a gift card would be better. That is rather akward. Good luck :)

I don't think asking for money is tacky. I have done this in the past for my child's birthday. Why is it wrong to ask for money in lieu of material things? The intention for it was to put it in a college savings, which we did. My husband and I always put money on our kids account whenever they recieve money as a birthday present. If you don't want to give a monetary gift, I'm sure they won't mind recieving whatever you give. It's really the thought that counts.

I myself would never ask for money, but everyone is different and maybe she is going to put it in a bank account for her daughter. A gift card is always a great idea as well. Either way, regardless of what you give, how the money is actually spend will not effect you and the daughter will more than likely not know the difference, so I would either give them the benefit of the doubt and give money or buy an unusual gift for the daughter that she will still like no matter how many toys she has. What about a gift card to a fun place to go to in your area?