Asking for a Specific Gift

i would just tell them that the kids have so much stuff....mine usually ask before hand, like, what do they need? what size are they? etc. so use this time to tell them, they have so much, you would really like something useful, like clothes or lessons. Plus this gives them the chance to be partially responsible when they become famous musicians or something,LOL!
seriously though, just tell them. They shouldnt be offended.

Call me crazy but honesty is the best thing...I wouldn't have a problem making a request like at all knowing that I still have unopened toys in the house. Grandparents usually go by common sense methods therefore by being honest they probably would have wanted you to say something before anyhow.

Hi C.,
I have read alot of your responses and just wanted to give you a little insight into the heart of a few grandma's I know.
I am close (4 miles) to my mom and my mother-in-law (2 hours) and I talk often and we enjoy our visits. Christmas is always BIG at their houses. My mom and dad go all out and spend alot. My M.I.L. has been struggling financially her whole life, but still, she saves all year for this event. I have talked to both of them about not needing to do soooo much, but they LOVE IT and LIVE FOR IT!!
My MIL does a couple of gifts for each grandchild (15 of them) and she is insistant upon it being a toy that they can open and play with on that day. She wants to see the kid's expressions and waits all year for this. It is really important to her. This momement carries her through the next year. To her it is magical and what she has waited for all her life.
My mom is unstopable! Christmas to her is about searching for something that will wow each child! They never had anything growing up, and she wants to give it all! She payed for ballet and college already and wants to do the fun stuff now.

The kids don't enjoy opening a gift certificate to Karate or Ballet. Think of how you would have felt opening that as a child.

I would caution you on limiting their number of gifts.
I would also encourage you to watch the faces of your mom's while your kids open their gifts. It brings them great joy to give!

Christmas is about giving and there are a million ways to celebrate!

If you are needing help with college fund or Karate classes, you should talk to them about your needs. Maybe this will inspire them to contribute or set up an account in the kids name. And maybe they will restrain from cleaning out the toy shelves.

Either way, remember how blessed you are to be dealing with too much!
I hope this helps,
W.

I would just tell them straight out in a very nice way that you appreciate the generosity they've shown with all the gifts they've given in the past. but now that the girls are getting older you, their dad and the girls would really appreciate them using the money they would have used for multiple presents towards lessons, school etc. I would tell them that you and the girls would very much appreciate a small present for them to open and maybe putting a handmade certificate or a swimsuit in a wrapped box saying what they paid for ex: swimming lessons etc. paintbrushes for art class etc. I'm sure you follow. I would very kindly explain that your girls can't possibly play with all the toys they've been given but that they would enjoy whatever lessons or classes they could pay for.
I think if you're tactful and appreciative it will go much better than you think. So often I talk to grandparents who go bananas with toys because they really don't know what else to do. They just equate kids = toys. One thing we do in our house is we remind my 2 1/2 year old frequently that Grandma and Grandpa bought her swimming lessons (or whatever) and encourage her to talk to Gma and Gpa about it. It makes her happy and it makes my parents happy to hear that she's happy and everybody's talking about it :-)
Worst case scenario, tell your husband to talk to his parents and work it out - he should anyway ;-) If they don't respond you could always ask for the gift receipts, return the gifts and put the cash in a bank account for your daughters. Your inlaws will be none the wiser ;-) Good Luck, I'm sure it will work out for you.

I would be honest. Tell them how much you appreciate their thoughtfulness every year. You would like to see the money they spend to go towards something which will impact the childrens lives in the future. Something that last far beyond a toy or clothes...something the kids will need and appreciate as they get older. I would also remind them that the kids have so many wonderful things from them already, they won't miss getting more. Contributing to a college fund is by far one of the greatest gifts a grandparent can give. If you get tongue-tied, send them my email. :-) Good Luck.

Hmmm... this could be tricky. Are they the types to offend easily? I think it might be okay if you word it carefully. Maybe say something about how much you appreciate their generosity toward your children, but that you're having trouble finding space for all the toys they have. Then maybe ask them how they would feel about contributing toward some lessons or to a college fund? I would imagine they'd be thrilled to do that, especially if you say something like, "I'd really love it if Susie could take ballet, and I'd love for you to come to her recital." They may still want to get the kids a few presents, because it's so much fun to see kids open things, but that could be a good compromise. My sister has been begging her mother-in-law and me to stop with the toys for her kids because she really doesn't have room, but we can't completely help ourselves, so we've compromised: I try to put some money toward their college fund, but still get them something small and useful, like art supplies or Play-doh. Her mother-in-law usually gets them Sea World passes, and then some presents that they can open. I hope it works out for you. If you're very sweet and thankful for all they've done, but emphasize how much they'd love lessons (or how you'd love to see their college fund grow since they have so much to play with already), I think they'd be really happy to help in such a meaningful way. Good luck!

Wow. I am sorry that you even had to explain yourself. Grandparents are amazingly generous and of course we should respect and appreciate them but not to the detriment of our children or ourselves. You have the right to ask for what works best for you and your family in your own home.

Maybe Grandma and Grandpa need to take some of those toys home so that the kids will have something to play with at their house. That way they will see how quickly children's toys (particularly the large scale of toddler toys)can infringe upon the space in every room of the home.

That being said, all we can do is tell the people in our lives how their behavior impacts us and ask them for what we want and need. If they are unable or unwilling to do it, we have to find other means to get what we need.

Think of the look on Grandma's face when her precious grandchildren graduate from college without the years of crushing debt that would follow if it weren't for them.

I would just give them all the information - in writing, like a printout or a card for them to keep with the name of their college funds and the account numbers and contact information. Tell them that you have started college funds for each of your children, and here is the information just in case they might want to contribute to the fund instead of buying something else like toys, etc.
The KEY thing in all this is that YOU have to go ahead and set up the college funds, and make the initial contribution. They cant contribute to any fund that isn't already set up, and it's not their place to set up the fund.

I think they will be pleased to see that you are so responsible to think of the future for your children and also that you value education. If they choose to contribute or not will be up to them! whatever they do, buy toys or add to the fund, you just have to be thankful and gracious to them because they could do 'nothing' - they are not obligated and it is the nature of gift giving that the giver gets to choose what to give.

I thought of doing the same thing for our families. Our house is a "toy" house. In general, we've (my husband & i) stopped buying toys. It is a lot of fun to buy toys for your own children -- and we may buy one or two for birthdays or Christmas. Yes, we've tried to talk to my parents (and his) and they want the "delight"of giving them toys. College funds and classes -- they can't "see" them enjoy, and we don't live close enough to them. So they bring all the toys on their visits......and we (the parents) restrain ourselves from buying toys. And any extra money we have -- WE put into college funds right now. Later on, we will figure out ballet & piano lessons. Some grandparents, aunts & uncles "get it" when we very politely, very gratefully explain, but most don't heed our request of limit the toy giving -- our house is bulging. (most of the toys sit in the garage and we rotate them). And part of me has stopped mentioning it because the toys are "gifts," you should not dictate "gifts." (My sister sends out a list to all in the family of wants from her kids -- a lonnggg list. I've told her everyone thinks it is tacky -- maybe tell our parents but not everyone. She thinks she's being practical.)
I have one friend who sells unopened toys on-line. I"m not into that, but she enjoys it. One friend told me since our children don't see their grandparents too much -- that we shouldn't take away those moments of giving toys
and playing in front of them. My husband & I joke that we will be 80 years old, living in a shack, and selling 20 year old toys by the side of the road in order to eat that night. We're millionaires when it comes to toys!

I think you have a great idea!! I would love for the grands to do something like that (karate, ballet, swimming) lessons. I too know how it feels to have a small space and too many toys. 6 months in to the year, I end up giving my daughter's toys to Kids In Distress or some other charitable organization whether they've been used or not.

My daughter is 71/2 (can't forget the 1/2), so I think she is at an age where she could appreciate someone giving her lessons for an instrument or dance or anything she enjoys.

Uh, no grandparents are not just supposed to buy toys for their grandchildren. They should be a good support/advice system and minimize the spoiling of grandchildren.

Now, I'm not saying to put a halt to spoiling, because my own daughter is spoiled by her grandparents. It however is not because they buy her toys or anything she wants. It's because they are there to listen to her and give her hugs and kisses when she needs a little extra. She's spoiled because her nonna and pop pop love her more than she knows, not because they buy her stuff she could care less about. On any given day, my kid would take extra hugs and kisses over a toy.

I would, first, talk w/ my hubby about this. These are HIS folks.. He knows them best! Then i would express the eldest child's interest to the Gma, and tell her that you think that it would be a wonderful gift for someone to support your daughter's artistic and physical intrests. That the classes and memberships for the 2 children far exceeds your budget. See what "sinks" in. Maybe you should back off of toy shopping and allow Grandparents more freedoms? Tht way YOUR money is going into funds you prefer.

In all truth 4yr olds and 2 yr olds have little disapline for any structured class....wait until they are 4 and 6 ...at least! (w/ possible exception to swim lessons).

Are the grandparents local? If so, make them involved in the lesson.

Hi C.,

I know how you feel. My son is so spoiled and my mother cannot seem to get it in her head that he does not need every new toy that comes out. One thing that I started doing is sending my sons Christmas Wish list to all of our family members with specific items on it. My number 1 spot is money for my sons college fund. The number 2 spot is for his personal savings account. I also have a little saying on the letter that says "It is great to be spoiled with toys, but I want to be a professional football player one day!" The letter is written as if my son wrote it. My mom now only contributes to his college fund and will give maybe 2 toys at Christmas. We also carry this tradition over for his birthday also. Hope that helps.

Hi C.,
I did this same thing a few years ago for my kids (now 6 &9). I infomred my family that though my kids and I really appreciate the wonderful gifts that they give them for Christmas/Birthdays, our house is only so big and overloaded with the toys that they just can't play with them all. I asked that they please help my husband and I help them save for their college funds. I have ask that whatever amount you have planned on spending for the kids gifts, to only spend half or a third on the toys and write a check out to the kid so that they can go to the bank and deposit in their very own savings account. My family has been great with that to the point now that my in-laws only send the checks to the kids and the kids love going to the bank to deposit their money and see it grow. Depending on your bank, when the accounts hit a certain point ,they give the kids 'gifts'. But these gifts are something like a new piggy bank or something related to their age about saving money.
I hope this helps and wish you luck with your in-laws.

Hi C. P
I am a Grandma! I understand where you are coming from as well, as before becoming a Grandma, I was a Mother...lol. My boys were also showered with gifts at Christmas time, not only from my Parents In Law, but from all my brothers in law and sister in law. My husband is the oldest of 6 kids. So, I had a lot to contende with as well. My mother first started out that way also. Knowing how she too had to struggle through the year with her finances, I SUGGESTED (key word here) to her that perhaps it would benifit the boys if she were to give them just a couple nice toys each and perhaps some clothes as well, as that would help us a lot also. I had made the same suggestion to my In-laws. My father in law was agreeable, my mother in law was a bit hurt, but she then agreed as well. I had also suggested to both sides of grandparents, that they were also making it hard for SANTA to bring toys that they had asked him for. Now, I am the Grandma, and I will admit, it is hard not to go over board in the gift giving dept. but I also realize that I have to curb myself as well. I remember what my husband & I went through with our boys growing up etc. Therefore, I remind my husband of this and tell him not to do this to OUR boys. Our youngest grandson is really the FIRST that we are able to do these things with from the "ground" as they say. Because our eldest was not in our lives until he attained the age of 5 yrs. Therefore, I understand how my husband feels, and our youngest son (father of youngest grandson)also understands how we feel and he has not said anything to us about how we have lavished his son with toys, but I can see it in both their eyes, that they too are overwhelmed and I know their place is not big enough to sub as a Toys R Us store...lol. Try SUGGESTING to your parents and parent in laws, what I had done to mine and I remember today about it and make myself follow that rule. Santa Clause has got to be allowed to bring the toys that the children asked him for. Oh, by the way...it also helps when making this SUGGESTION, that you have the SOUND OF DESPERATION in your voice...like almost on the verge of tears. Hope this will help you somewhat. Thought you needed to hear from a Grandmas point of view as well...LOL. Good Luck!
M.

Hi C., I just wanted to respond with something very specific that I did that could help a lot of people. I sent the uber-gifting family members an email in early summer about the Indiana 529 College Plan. I sent it after my tax preparer told me CPAs all over the country are using it as an investment recommendation for their clients. Contributors get a 20% tax write-off for everything they contribute every year. Anyone anywhere in the country can create one for a child or grandchild (anywhere in the country), the money just has to be used for higher ed (also anywhere in the country). My tax guy says this is by far the best return on a college investment plan ANYWHERE - he moved all his clients' money from the Virginia plan to the Indiana plan. My mother-in-law is creating accounts for all of her grandchildren - the return is just too good to pass up.
WITH THIS ONE, EVERYBODY WINS!
Hope this helps- and Merry Christmas!
S.

Hi C.,

Basically, just tell them the truth. Let them know that you want their gifts to be educational because they already have too much. Let them know that you would prefer if they got them anything that they pay for lessons or put the extra money in their college fund, etc. Maybe one toy per child if they have to get them something. I don't think it would be as bad as you think if you just let them know straight up what you want to do. If they ask you what they need or would like for Christmas, that would be a perfect opportunity to tell them.

V.

Ask for gift receipts. Toys R Us, along with many other stores, no longer take ANYTHING without a receipt. Even for store credit. You could sell it on ebay or craigslist or a consingnment store. You could donate to toys for tots or a local needy family. (our newspaper does profiles of needy families weekly and how to donate to them)
When you have a small home and 5 occupants, including the dog, it gets hard to have physical possessions. No matter how kind the intentions are. Let them keep the things that truly interest them and the things you see them playing with over and over and get rid of the rest.
If you have space for this it's a great idea. We do this in our home. We take some good toys and put them in the closet. We leave out some different good toys. About once every 2-3 months we switch out what toys are out. All the toys are getting played with. And every time they see new toys out, they get excited again like it was the first time they saw them. You will be able to see easier which ones they truly love this way as well.
Your kids are still very young too, and that can explain the bored with opening gifts. Trust me, the older they get, they'll tear into all of them easily. They haven't reached their peak for present excitedness. Around 6-8 is when it really heats up and they want everything. Which you don't have to worry about because you have family that will buy them everything.
Try to take it with a grain of salt. If you've asked them to go easy on the gifts, but they don't respond, just accept what they give you, let the kids open it and sort out what you don't want later. You're the one in charge of what stays in your home. It's just their way of expressing their love. And they seem to be loved a lot.

On another note, this is such a poignant time of the year for grandparents: we Grammas and Grandpas are often like old apple trees just dropping lots and lots of ripe fruit down, because we know we don't really have all that much time left to give all the love we have: So, we really often over-do-it! We do know that it's all too much, but we just don't control ourselves well. It just all spills over!
Then again, these times of excess are true mainly here in America, and our days ahead may, actually: probably will not be full of such excess. We all have anxieties about our waste and the "want" in the rest of the world. We all have too much: so send on the unused toys to kids who have less!
Finally, excess is often a holiday thing in many cultures: if we could all only keep the wild stuff for the holidays, it might feel less opressed by the excesses!
My thoughts are with all you younger parents these days: they are not easy days...may all we elders help more than hinder!
M. A

I have gone through this with my in-laws, I have 3 children and the amount of toys in our house is overwhelming. I casually approached my monther in-law and said hey if you're looking for some ideas for Christmas gifts for the kids, so and so is really interested in taking ballet classes. If you would like to get her some ballet shoes or a ballerina outfit and some classes, she would absolutely love it. Make it sound like the children have mentioned it to you, it helps if they think that is what the children are asking for. It worked for me.

C., I did this with all of our friends and family, b/c our play room is out of control and my 3 don't need a single thing. I simply said, "we really appreciate you wanting to give our children nice things, but what we are really hoping you might do is give them the gift of education." All of our familiy lives far away so they were spending a fortune on shipping for birthdays/holidays and they really like this idea. Set up 529 savings plans for your kids so that anyone can contribute and if it's a class that your girls are wanting to take, then let the inlaws know how much your daughter enjoys dance or whatever and that would be a very special treat. You'll be suprised how accepting they will be of this idea. Chances are, they will understand the toy overload issue easier than you think, so just be straight with them. Good luck and remember, this is your kids' future, it's not too much to ask.

It's really interesting to see all the various takes on this. What nobody really mentioned (or maybe I missed it) is that, yes, giving gifts is fun but too many is gross and that is a negative for the kids. Yes, it's great for Grandparents to give gifts and get to see kids opening them but it doesn't need to be gift after gift after gift.
Maybe they should adopt a needy family who would really appreciate the gifts instead of just spoiling your kids! I personally hate the message that this sends young people-the waste, the overindulgence, the extravagance and they will come to expect it year after year.

just think about all the other things you have been through with your in laws already and i am sure asking for specific christmas gifts may not seem like such a big deal. if it still seems like a big deal then you may not want to even bother asking if you know there is no way they will not get offened. what's an unopened present compared to a sad or irate mother in law?
you can also try to have your girls tell the grandparents themselves they wants swim or ballet lessons, how can they ignore their own grandchild's request?

I totally understand your problem. Here's how I somehow got around it. At Thanksgiving, I hand out a Christmas list to the relatives (some by email) for what they can get all the members of my family: the first section is usually classes or activities that we really want them to contribute to, then each individual person including my husband and I, then both kids. I usually leave out all the toys; if I have a toy I am specific with a brand, model number and what store to get it from. This helped cut down the unnecessary stuff we got. There's a psychology behind the format of the list -- I hope they just concentrate on the first section and get us the activities we want and lose interest or the second page altogether so they don't get to the kids lists.

It didn't eliminate everything, so for the things I got that I didn't want, I either returned them to the store and got things I wanted. For the stores where I don't want anything from them and they won't give back cash, I sold the items through a consignment store. I am careful though that I keep track of how much money I make off the things and make sure that that money goes to the right child.

There are some gifts I want to re-gift, so what I do is the money that I was going to spend on the gift, I contribute to the child's funds.

on the other side of that coin is my m.i.l. she squeeks, my kids two toys each from the 99 cent store, no seriously. It's sad, other older grandkids get real stuff, clothes, cash, even a desk set, but my kids you know the ones she sees all the time, and usually yells at get the cheapest of junk, no i'am not ungreatful, or snooty, but when the dolls head pops off as your taking her out of the pkg, it's like what's the use. Lucky us she'll be here for her christmas dinner, none of her other kids wants her to visit them so we hear how much she misses them all. Sorry Thanks for letting me rant.......................

We did this two years ago. We asked all family members to contribute to an outside playset instead of more toys. Most family did as we asked.
I do not think you are going to get your in-laws or any other family members to not give any gifts, but if you tell them your ideas or that your children are interested in taking some kind of lessons you might find they respond favorably. Most family memebers like to be given ideas. They do not want their gifts to be something the children don't want or don't care about or need.
L.

i'm not a mother yet but will be in 2 months, and i know that i will be facing the same problem with my dad. he laready acts that way with my niece, buying way to much for christmas and birthdays. i have already explained to him that if he starts the same with my son i will take alot of the unopened gifts and donate them. children dont need to get so much, they need to learn to apprecaite what they get and can't do that if they have so much they don't know what they recieved. if your in-laws refuse to stop then teach your children what a blessing it is to have so much that you can give some away, and take them to a donation center and let them give the toys away. and just tell your inlaws that you tried to explian to them to do less and they wouldn't listen. if they get mad to bad they are YOUR children and you know whats best them.

Asking them for cash to contribute to the college fund of toddlers takes all the fun out of shopping!! You can maybe say something like now that they're getting older that you have some ideas for some things they may want for xmas and then make a couple of suggestions for something big like playground equipment, and add the swimming lessons to the list of suggestions. Good luck, though. My in-laws have rarely ever given my kids anything they've ever played with!

Well, I can appreciate your position. My son is 6 now but his 3 Christmas was blatantly a display of ugly glutany. I said no more ever! Now the grand parents usually send money and or give one modest gift. They can play all day with the boxes of too many gifts but the gifts get tossed aside and have no value or can they attach emotionally to oh that is special from my grandma/grandpa.

I totally agree with you for standing up and saying enough! Send the presents to El Salador and those kids living in squaller.

Try a gift registry.

I don't think its right to ask grandparents and family members to pay for college or lessons instead of giving christmas gifts. While I understand where you're coming from, college funds and ballet lessons are really more gifts to you than to the kids even though this will benefit the kids in the long run. Perhaps you can save the money you would spend on alot of toys for your kids Christmas and put it in the bank instead.

I agree with some of the others, I think grandparents really like watching the faces of the children and it makes them feel really good to give. "Its better to give than to receive." Your kids are young! Let them enjoy all the gifts. I'd be grateful!

I was amazed that someone actually said that college money and lessons are gifts to you, not your kids. I had to pay for some of my college, luckily not all, but I greatly appreciated all the help from my family that I did receive. A college education is the best gift that you can give a child. As for the lessons, my son loves his tumbling and swimming lessons. I wouldn't take him to them if he didn't love them. Those lessons are for his enjoyment, and therefore a gift for your child. It just amazes me that kids here in the US are showered with more toys than they know what to do with. I think that less is more when it comes to toys. Anyway, I guess I really don't have any advice other than trying to really communicate with your in-laws why you have set limits on the amount of toys your children receive and I really like what one woman said about having your in-laws picture their grandchildren graduating college and making it there because of their grandparents. Toys come and go, but an education lasts a lifetime.

I usually send an email to the grandparents with a list of a few things that the kids have asked for or want. They actually appreciate it because it gives them an idea as to what to get them.
Here are a few ways you could handle this.
1. Tell them you are doing something a little different this year and instead of the kids getting a bunch of toys or clothes they have expressed interest in swimming lessons, or whatever kind of lessons.
So, if they would like to pick a lesson to sponsor and 1 toy this year you would greatly appreciate it.

2. Or you could not buy them what toys and things you were going to and let the grandparents do that part and you spend your money on the lessons.

Good luck and Happy Holidays.
T.

Hi C.,

I didn't read through every response so I apologize if this is repeated but here are some things we've asked for in terms of gift giving. Rather than my husband and I getting something for the holidays from our parents/in-laws, we've asked them to give us something needed for the baby (like the next size car seat). This is helpful to us and saves us money and it's something we need and then our baby doesn't get the boring gift. Also, I've asked if Grandma would like to take my son to a music class every week and she was absolutely thrilled and picked, signed up for and paid for the class and loves taking him every Monday. So that's a good way to get the classes in if they are able to take them and enjoy it with their grandchild.

Just a thought for you...good luck!

Oh boy, do I know what you mean!
We've never been able to buy any toys for our only 2 grandsons (age 5 and 3), because their other grandparents live nearby and never stop buying! We're not even going to Ft. Myers to be there on Christmas morning this year, because the scene is so "over-the-top", it's truly disgusting!

We've always contributed a nice check toward their college fund for Christmas, and there's no doubt that the boys will benefit much more from that in the long run.

This year we're also donating the money we would normally spend on our adult kids to buy a bunch of $10 Bed Nets - to prevent malaria and save the lives of a bunch of children in Africa. Both of our grandsons are highly sensitive to mosquito bites, so this is the "perfect gift" for everyone on our list!

Visit either of these sites to learn more and make a donation online.

www.MalariaNoMore.org
www.NothingButNets.net

IT's so EASY! And I've never felt better about Christmas shopping. No problem with the stresses of parking and shopping mall madness, no gift-wrapping, One-size-fits-all... Happy HOLIDAYS!

I am in the exact same boat you are in. My in-laws spend thousands of dollars at Christmas time just on my husband and me. (Living with a collector and a pack rat is a mamasource topic for another day!!!)

Now we have an 8 mo girl. In fact, I was thinking about this situation earlier today. I've asked for books for our daughter. I'll make room for a large library, but noisy musical toys can be taken back, sold, or donated!

I've told them with the toys they already bought this year that they need to stay at their house. (5 minutes away.)

They are doing a 12 days of Christmas kind of approach this year and giving gifts throughout the week so she won't be overwhelmed on Christmas day. She's 8 mo!!!

I hope they will realize sooner than later that the gift of time and attention is the best gift they can give. And it requires no money.

Be Graceful, whatever you do the girl are in the middle.Think are they are around for ballet to see a dance?, Or to see a swim race?