Asking Advice on How to Control a 19 Month Old

Hi, I really like the book or dvd the Happiest Toddler on the Block. It can seem kinda of corny if you watch the video but it really works. Usually the library have the book and video.

jo

Yes, I think it is just the terrible twos. I have read that they actually start at 18 months. My son is almost 20 months and we've been experiencing similar things with him for the last month and a half. He's into hitting and biting and keeps doing it even though he knows he isn't supposed to. We've tried timeouts which sometimes work and sometimes don't. He's very much into balls right now, so another thing we've tried is taking away his favorite ball and putting it on top of the fridge when he hits/bites. This seems to be working a little too.

Good luck and hang in there!!!

This is advice that no one likes to hear...I feel consistent, loving, discipline is your best and most effective method of keeping your child on track. I read the responses that you received from other mothers. I think things like the "time out" and "mimicking what they are doing" is such a waste of time. Also, who's the adult here? What example are you teaching them by copying what they do? It looks like two little kids playing a game.
My son was very young when he started "yelling." I told him "no screaming." He understood what I meant. Believe me, babies are smarter then we give them credit for.
Everytime I would put him in his high chair to eat, he screamed while I fixed his meal. I would say again, "no screaming." When my "no screaming" stopped working, I went to the next step. I tapped him on the hand and said "no screaming." I did this ONE time. From then on, he would still get excited when it was time to eat, but he did not scream. I felt teaching him table manners from day one was important. In fact, because of it, his first words were "more mommy" instead of screaming.
I can't convey in e-mail how important I feel spanking should be done, correctly. When you start from day one, you don't have to continue doing it very long. My son is 16-months old now and I can take him ANYWHERE. Even before his nap when he is starting to get sleepy, he still understands that he cannot scream, throw fits, stand in the cart, or walk away from me. A lot of people, everyday, tell me how well behaved he is. He is a very, happy, well-adjusted toddler. I am proud of my attempt to stick with my beliefs and stand by spanking. When our son is in a store and start to become restless, a stern no and look in the eye gets his attention. I also take into consideration that he is young and will test me. I am not looking for a perfect robot. I am educating and raising a well behaved child.
In a world where everyone scratches thier head saying "why are our kids so out of control" I believe there is a way to stopping it.
I have read many books and articles against spanking. I just don't see how dancing around a toddler and watching them throw fits is healthy. For you or him. I was spanked and disciplined as a child and I am glad my parents did it. It was never out of hand and always done with a loving talk afterwards. (As I was older.) I understood, very well, the difference between yes and no and I respected my parents.
I am so tired of parents letting kids act crazy. What did you think would happen if you didn't put your foot down from day one? When you thought about having kids, didn't you think about discipline?
I know I sound harsh, but this is a subject I feel so strongly about.
Best of luck.

I would try the naughty chair, what that means is when you tell him no and he dosent listen you put him in the naughty chair, you can find your own thing to use like naughty rug, naughty stairs, etc. You put him there for 1 minute 30 seconds you get the time by his age. You have to be strong and make him stay there for the full time. After the time is up get down to his eye level and explain why he had to stay there( I know you won't think that he will understand but he will) that is the only thing that has worked with my 2 year old. Try that and let me know. Good luck!!

R.,
I'm sorry you are going through this. I almost chuckle because I have been there..probably still am there and it's only the beginning. :-) I don't mean to poke fun, and actually I have had moments of crying myself over not knowing what to do. one Mother just recently told me that "we just never tolerated hitting!" after watching my 3 yr old hit my leg while throwing a fit. I felt like I must be doing something wrong, if others can control their kids.

My son who is now almost 8 yrs old has been very hard to discipline! Especially at 2-4yrs old. He was not horrible but he had tantrums a lot when he didn't get his way. From what I learned.... read about different discipline methods and choose bits and pieces that you want to try. We tried almost eveything too and out of desperation, spanked some. I now prefer not to unless it is an absolute last resort...but you live and learn. The most important thing to know is first, you are NOT alone. And second that no TWO kids are alike so what works for one family or child may not work for you.

We have found that the book "The Incredible Years" is a wonderful resource. The principles apply to younger children as well as older, but adjust things for a younger age. Remember that he is not old enough to reason or think rationally. He doesn't really "know" what no means and the more we say the word, the more he will tune it out.

If you have a parenting support group, I have found that helpful. We have one that meets at the library and is nice to talk to other wonderful, responsible parents having some of the same issues and others. It helps get past the feeling that I must be doing something wrong...because you most likely are NOT. Discipline is the HARDEST thing we parents have to do, in my own opinion. It takes times to get a method that works, and one that you can and WILL stick to. Make your choice in how to discipline and stick to it. At that age if you show "fear" anf give in once, you've lost the battle until you show no fear the next FIVE times. (figuratively speaking)

Blessings!
M.

I would suggest reading the book "Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles" by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. It helped me with this phase.

It sounds like you have a normal healthy toddler on your hands.

Hi R.:

I feel your pain. I have a 22 month old that throws himself on the floor whenever he doesn't get his way. It started a few months ago and it is really tough. My advice is to just stay calm and let him throw his tantrum. I have done this and the tantrums got shorter for me when he realized that I wasn't going to give in. I take him to as private a place as possible and let him cry and scream. He still throws himself on the floor, but it usually only lasts a minute now. It will get worse before it gets better, but just stick to your guns. It is the terrible twos, but I think it is important to make sure he realizes that you are the boss. My son's tantrums are getting shorter and shorter, but it does take a while. Good Luck!!

Hi R.:

I was reading the responses you received. I have two children and watch several. Two of which are under 3. I find looking them in the eye and holding their gaze while saying no helps alot. After holding their gaze and saying no, then redirect them to someting else. Stay firm and whatever you do don't give in. They are not in charge, you are. If a tantrum occurs I agree with ignoring them or try laughing. It's a good release for you and helps to not take it to seriously.

Just so you know that I really understand - My son would throw himself to the floor without regard to danger so I would have to move him to a safe place and them ignore him. He almost broke my nose once because he was sitting on my lap when he threw himself backwards.

One more bit of advice. Keep telling yourself - this too will pass. It's just a phase and won't last forever.

Best wishes.
C.

What you are doing now is fine. JUST BE CONSISTANT. It is just a phase and he is just trying to figure you out and find your limits. I am not saying this is a short phase (the rest of his childhood)but it will get easier. he is just pushing you to find out if YOU will break and give into what he wants. So again just be consistant.

Hi Becca I too have a 19 month old and our pediatrician told us around 18 months the terrible 2's usually start. What your son is doing is what she called the (willful disobedients) stage. She told us if we cannot get him to sit somewhere for a 1.5 minute timeout then to hold him for that ammount of time holding his arms crossed in front of him and his legs sort of held between yours. He will hate this. My litttle guy hates it but he has less of a fit now he's been through it many times. I think most kids our son's age respond the same way to the word no. Testing is what they do. :) After his timeout when he's settled back down you can explain to him why it happened and that you love him that sorta thing. Hope this was somewhat helpful.

Well let me say, it's nice to hear that my son is not the only one doing this. He is 22 mos and he loves to draw on furniture and walls....everything...I tell him NO firmly and he'll keep doodling away..I tell him No again, you can only draw on paper. If he does it again, I take the marker away. He screams and cries, throws himself on the floor-- I then ask him, Do we draw on the walls? No- Where do we draw? ON PAPER..he's usually good after that.

Obviously there are times when he doesn't listen to a thing, and that's when he gets his toys taken away and sits for a timeout for 5 minutes. Some say it doesn't work because he will forget what he's even being "punished" for...but after those 5 minutes of being alone, he comes downstairs in a different state of mind.

Hope this helps!

Hi R. -
I too have a little boy who began his tantrums around 18 - 19 months. What worked best for us when we were home was to ignore him. If I could leave him where he dropped to the floor, I would just walk around him. If it was at dinner time, we would remove him to another room and told him once he calmed down he could come back. Believe it or not, at this age, he caught on quicker than we thought. He is now 2 and the tantrums have gotten better. I find the calmer we stay the easier it is to calm him down. Hard to do but worth it. As for the no, mine doesn't seem to know the word either (at least from mom). I agree with the others, redirect is the best way to go. We have started time outs a little but he still does not like to stay in them. He has an older sister so he does know what they are.

My daughter did not have any tantrums so this stange with my son is all new. It does get better once they are able to talk and express themselves. Good luck!

L.

For the tantrums, totally ignore him, walk away, whatever, to let him know you aren't giving him any attention. When kids throw temper tantrums, they want your attention, and they test you to get what they want. If you are consistent, he will start to realize that the tantrums aren't working. He isn't getting what he wants, and he isn't getting any attention, so the tantrums will stop.

As far as ignoring "no", try to use it only when it is necessary, and not all the time, for everything. It will carry more weight with him. Continue to enforce your "no's", and redirect him whenever he is starting to do something he shouldn't. Try to set him up for success whenever possible. Use extra large pieces of paper on a table that can get dirty, for example, or use a vinyl tablecloth. Set limits- he'll keep testing you, but he will learn the limits, and eventually he will respect them. He'll need to learn that to be able to function in school, and the world. What he is doing is pretty normal, but you are absolutely right in trying to find a way to get him to respect you. It's great that you are looking for answers now, while he is still young, because it is a lot easier to break him of bad habits now, than when he is older. Now is definitely the time! Stay strong- I think you'll be shocked at the results! Let us know how it goes.

Hi R., I am actually going through that right now. My son is 20mths, and he does that too. But I have just learned to ignore him, and he takes to that pretty well. Everything else just seem to work for a little while. But when he does it, I just continue to do what I was doing and act like I don't see him.

Dee

There is a great book for you called the happiest toddler on the block. It gives great insight as to his behavior. Some child specialists think toddlers at this age understand no but have a hard time on self control- I am a pediatrician and I recommend to moms that time outs work great - you use the time out very specifically however, and be prepared it will take a while until it catches on ie- he understands it is a punishment. For every year old he is that is how long his time out is and here is the KEY: you have to put him in an area he cannot see you in- the punishment is seperation from you. We put my daughter in her crib (we have a video monitor) but I leave the room and shut the door. Keep in mind the other very important thing to do at this age is - when he first does something not pleasing to you, just like nanny 911 give a warning, if he does it again, you need to repeat the warning and tell him the consequence if he does not follow thru- kids, just like us sometimes need clear expectations laid forth, when he does not follow thru you need to use a word to indicate the time out, we use;- uh, oh- now when my daughter hears it she knows what is about to come. Hope this helps!!!! PS it takes a little while for this to become conditioned- the important thing here is consistency and choosing battles worth fighting- I would defintely agree on the crayon battle :-)

Well, after two boys who went thru this, and an 18 month that probably will, my biggest advice is redirect, redirect, redirect.

It's perfectly normal for a toddler to "test" his limits - he's not being deliberately bad, he's just learning. Some recommend time-outs at this age, however I'm a firm believer that they have to truly understand what a TO is before it's effective, and to me that's not until around 2 - 2.5. I'm not a believer in physical punishment, so it's just removing the toy, redirecting, and being consistent.

As far as the tantrums, I did two things that worked with my boys - one, totally ignore it, walk into another room, whatever. But the thing that really worked, and was rather silly, was to mimic them. They HATED that... I'd literally lay on the floor, wave my arms and legs, and fake cry. They either stopped because they were stunned that mom would do that, or they'd stop and giggle... odd, but it worked!

Good luck - believe me, when you send your teenager off to high school in the very near future, all this will be so unimportant and MISSED! :D