Appropriate Gift for SIL Who Has Suffered a Terrible Loss

My SIL got another hole in her ear and a stud earring for her first son's birthstone after he died at age 4.

She might also find comfort in a grief support group, perhaps for sudden death in childhood families.

Take her lead. See what she needs from everyone right now. If I got any sort of "mom" necklace, I'd honor all 3 children. My SIL says she is a mom of 4, even if she only got to mother the first one for a few years. I would also send it now vs Christmas.

How horrible! My sympathy.
Personally, I can't imagine celebrating Christmas after such a recent tragedy. But she does have others children to consider.

If you get any kind of a "mothers" necklace, bracelet, pin, etc. I think you definitely include ALL children.
Something focusing on just the little boy? Personal gift--not for a holiday. Maybe for the anniversary date next year.
Good luck.

I couldn't disagree with some of the posters more. I have never lost a child, but I have a son with a heart defect and we have lost many children our heart community.

NO gift will make her 'more' sad. Impossible. She's about as devastated as any parent could be. All of my mom friends who have lost children just don't want the world to forget their child. So, never be afraid to talk about him, mention him, send a note that you were thinking about him, etc. She will appreciate that he has not been forgotten.

When our son was born we made friends with another heart family. Unfortunately, their son passed away at 10 weeks old. I always send a card on his birthday (he was born the day before my son) and a card on the anniversary of his death. I will also send 'thinking of you' cards periodically. I'm not afraid of reminding her--she remembers him all the time. She has said many times that she loves that I think of him when I do. She said many people are afraid to talk about him because they think it will make her sad--when, in fact, she loves when people want to talk about him.

So sorry for your loss.

L.,

I'm soo sorry to hear this! Losing a child is NEVER easy..

You know her best. What does your gut tell you? I think a bracelet or a necklace with all of her children's birth stones would be a lovely gift and tribute...she still has other children and even with a loss so devastating, life goes on..so I would want them recognized too.

I am sure that Thanksgiving will be hard as well as Christmas. My thoughts and prayers to your family.

Go with your gut. You know her best. Again, I'm really sorry for your loss. May his memory be eternal!

The best gift ou can give her is your ear and your shoulder. So many people will not want to listen when she wants to talk about her son or her grief. Even if she is talking about happy memories people will shut her down.

Let her talk and cry and scream and whatever she needs. Even if it takes months or years. This is something you never get over, completely.

I am truly sorry for the loss your family has suffered. I can't imagine the grief everyone must be going through.

I love the idea of planting a tree with a plaque at the base to honor his memory.
I really like the idea of the necklace with the birthstones of all three children.

I would not do a gift like this at Christmas. Celebrating this year, I think, although I've never lost a child, will be hard on all of them. I would send it not.

So sorry for your family's loss. It is just devasting too lose a child.

I love that you are doing this for her. I would go with a the necklace that includes all 3 of her children and I would give it to her before Christmas.

I too lost a child and the best "gift" I got I actually bought for myself. It was books on grieving the loss of a child. Since then I have bought many friends books on grieving the loss of a child, mother, sibling etc. they seem to be well received but I always include a gift receipt.

Do whatever you feel is right in your heart but personally I'd do something that includes all of her children and not just the one that died. She is the mother of 3 not 2 alive and 1 dead child. How terribly sad for your family.

I always thought a memory stone or planting a tree in said persons name who passed was a touching a personal gift. A necklace or bracelet with a meaningful quote, or birthstones of each child. If their was a special animal, color, etc that the child had- I would do something that involved that.

I'm so very sorry to hear this. It always pains me when someone loses a child. Especially one so young.

Everyone grieves differently.
What is comforting for one might be horribly upsetting for the next person.
Perhaps you should ask her husband what she might like.
He's grieving too but he might be able to advise you.

I am so sorry for your family's loss.

I think a necklace representing all 3 children is perfect. Maybe even e sure it is one that could have another stone or piece added in the future if they have any more children.

I don't think I would do this right on Christmas day or with many others around. You don't say how old the other children are, but I am thinking that while Christmas is going to be horribly hard, they may also not want to have it all revolve around their loss just for the sake of the other kids. Not that everyone won't be remembering your nephew already.... I don't think I know how to explain what I mean.

You are right. Now that all the "formalities" have gone away, the reality will be harder to deal with. I have never lost a child, but what I have read is don't be afraid to mention him. Acknowledge important dates. When my best friend lost her mom, I made sure to send cards on her first Mother's day with out her mom, Christmas, her mom's birthday, etc. Not to make her sad. She was already going to be thinking about her. Just to let her know I was thinking about her. I made sure to include a special, personal in each one.

Again, I am so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you are a wonderful family though and I am sure that your love and support will help greatly.

The locket sounds like a lovely idea. My own gifting ethos would be to spend my money on some sort of charity which helps young children. Unicef, the Smile fund, Make a Wish etc. It helps kids in need, while honoring the one which is lost.

Best,
F. B.

PS- Do owls have any connection with grieving/ motherhood/ child loss? Just wondering the significance of that choice.

How terribly sad, I am so sorry for your family's loss.

I like the idea of a mother's necklace with all three children represented.

There is a company called The Comfort Company (comfortcompany.net) that has some nice gifts to give in a time of grief. I found something there for a friend who had a late-term miscarriage and she has told me several times over the years how nice the gift was and how it still makes her smile to see it. You might find something there that strikes a chord with you.

Hugs to all of you.

I cannot imagine the pain they are going through. Have you seen the sideways angel wing necklaces? They are really pretty. I've even seen ones that can be personalized with a saying. Here;s a link, but there are LOTS of places to get them -- from cheap to $$$$$.

http://www.artfire.com/ext/shop/product_view/gemsinvogue/...

Cannot imagine the pain they are going through.

I think asking the husband if he has any thoughts to share. It might also be too soon.

For me the second holiday season/birthday is always the hardest bc everyone has moved on, and expects those grieving too also. But the protection of denial is no longer there so it still feels so raw.

Please dont be afraid to mention him, especially if they initiate it. For the grieving family members this acknowledges the significance of the deceased, how special they were, and that they are missed.

Last week there was a post from somebody who had lost irreplaceable items that were in storage. I guess that makes me think of how precious all those projects, lovies, toys, pictures, etc. of that 3 year old are. If you can determine what to preserve, how to preserve it, and have protected copies or copies to different family members I think it would be so treasured as time goes on.

May they find comfort, especially during this season.

ETA: I agree to also include the children.

I am so very sorry for this tragic loss.

Maybe get one of the really nice birth stone necklaces with all of the kids on it? Have other families go in on it with you.

I cannot imagine the devastation your family is going through. I am so sorry he is gone. I don't know of many things worse than what your family is facing right now. I am so sorry.

My husband lost his mom and my parents gave us a gift card to purchase a tree to plant in her honor. My brother by love has a memorial garden of sorts at his house. We lost their brother to a massive heart attack a year ago when he was 59. It was a widow maker and there were no warning signs. Jim planted a Gardena bush in his honor because it was his favorite and were blooming when he passed away.

I think whatever you do it will be appreciated and including all kids is what I would do I think. I agree with others that she will need to talk freely. I am so sorry this happened to your family and know you are in our thoughts and prayers today.

I have a good friend who passed at 37. Her mom and I have become good friends and she will send me emails when she's has a hard day. I listen and share sweet memories of her daughter and I think it helps her to know I will listen without knowing what to say except that I love her. Sometimes there are no words. Sometimes you just sit beside the person and be.

Blessings!
L.

I am so sad for your family. What a devastating loss! I agree with Diane B, whatever you do, include all three children.

I am so sorry for your family's loss. I hope that you are able to help them through this horrible time. A necklace sounds like a very nice idea and I don't think you need to wait until Christmas.

A couple of other things that might help, just so they feel a little less alone: the Carroll family in LA suffered a similar loss in April when their 2.5 year old daughter died in her sleep, determined later to be SUDC (akin to SIDS but for kids ages 1 - 4). They did a fundraising campaign and just yesterday gave the gift of a lifetime to a family in need, in honor of their daughter. Here are links to the original campaign and the story from yesterday (one of my friends is close friends with the family and I've followed their story from day 1)
https://fundly.com/savannah-s-stolen-moment-campaign

https://www.yahoo.com/parenting/dad-gives-away-100-000-to...

This family is also involved with a law proposal related to SUDC, though I don't know the details about it.

Finally, a website that can help is www.facesofloss.com

Again, I am so, so sorry for your loss.

I wonder if it will just make her more sad....I don't know that I'd want constant reminders coming in of a child that was gone. I can't imagine the pain she's going through and how hard this is for her when she's thinking of her other children.

I wouldn't keep reminding her to be honest. She is already thinking about him all the time. Talking about him when the subject comes up is okay but just reminding her all the time seems not so great.

I am the only one that mentions my mother in law to my father in law. I talk about her when my father in law and I are sewing or doing some craft together because it's a natural progression. I don't just bring her up out of the blue. It's germane to our conversation.

I am so sorry for your loss. I think a gift is appropriate, anytime you feel she is ready for it, however, I would stay away from giving it during a formal dinner where she could possibly fall apart.

In some cultures, the owl brings death. I had never heard this, but my husband freaks out at anyone who wears the owl on their shirt or the thought of purchasing an owl knick-knack. (Owls are really popular now and I have a 9 year old). Anyway, I told him he was nuts, but he asked my mom in front of me and she gave me the look of crazy and said yes. So, I just want to be sure your SIL and her husband or the family for that matter, will understand the significance of the owl, if you decide to do that.

Oh Lord, what a devastating thing. I can't imagine it. This is extremely sad just to read. The poor woman, what pain.

I don't really know, and it's very hard to say because everyone is so different, but I would maybe think the necklace should be sent to her later, not now. It's so very fresh and it may be to hard for her to deal with. She may not want anything that will bring this to the forefront as there are other children to think of. Of course it will be in the air and in everyone's hearts naturally anyway but I'm thinking to save this idea for another time. Just my opinion. It'd probably tear her up to receive but then again she'd appreciate it later.

I'm so sorry to hear this and for your loss. God Bless you all and keep you in His love.