Anyone Familiar with Gentle or Attachment Parenting?

Dr William Sears is a very big advocate of attachment parenting and has many many books on it. I highly recommend them! If you go on amazon.com and search his name, they have all his books. Best of luck!

Hi J.,
I have 2 children. Both boys, 2 and 4 years old. And I am a true believer in attachment parenting. It is basically what the name says- you and your husband spend as much time as you can holding, caressing, cuddling with your baby. Wear the baby in a sling instead of putting her/him into the stroller. Have your husband wear the sling as well. Slings come in all different varieties/ colors,rings/materials, etc. KangarooKorner.com is a great resource. You can nurse in a sling, the baby can fall asleep in a sling and be easily transfered to another person or a bassinet if you need a break.
The idea is the first 9 months out of the womb is the last or 4th trimester- the baby has to learn everything once it is born. And the more contact she/he has with you the deeper the learning because the skin is the child's first contact with this new world.
Attachment parenting can go as far as having your child sleep with you. If that is not going to work, then a co-sleeper which puts the child next to your bed, on your side, allowing you to stay close, and continuing to bond.
Nursing is part of attachment parenting. Nursing is THE most amazing bond to share. It is good for you on so many levels, and it is the best way to nurture your baby.

One of the building blocks in a parent-child relationship is trust. Attachment parenting is based on that builing block.

Take your baby with you- everywhere you can, talk to your baby about what you are doing - even if it just cooking. I could carry my kids on my back in the kitchen when they they needed to be held and I needed to cook...it may seem like a lot- but you don't carry them around forever, and the result is inspiring.
Both my boys are independant, strong spirited, honest and caring children already. They are not afraid to run off and play because as my 4 year old says, "I know you can come if I need you."

"Time out" vs. "Time in"- basically one is punative and the other is recognizing the child is overloaded and needs a break. Most small children can't tell when they are about to melt down. Things like sharing are really painful for some kids, and they need parents' guidance to find themselves in that process. So, a "time in", is a break you take with your child away from the play area. You sit together, breath together, talk about what just happened maybe, or talk about how the child might be feeling- frustrated, mad, sad, etc. Obviously a 2 year old will have a different response than a 4 year old. But the idea is to teach them to recognize that they are overwhelmed and can make other choices than hitting or screaming or throwing or what ever action they took to express how awful the situaion felt for them.
A "time out" is to discpline behavior- setting limits and feels punative to the child. They are removed from teh play area with a swift and firm "no- that is not okay." and put to rest with a timer ( a rule of thumb seems to be: 1 minute for each year- so a 3 year old would get 3 minutes of no play). I find that generally they can't sit that long and then you battle them for the time out and the point of it all gets lost, unless you stay with them and gently but firmly remind them they have broken a rule.

But you have a long time before you have to figure that out with your husband and child. A lot of how you deal with discpline will depend on the temperment of your child. You can provide that child with a great chance of handling the tough early lessons through developing trust and non-verbal bonds like a caress on the head or back when the moment begins to be difficult for the child.

Another great tool to consider is sign language(6 months onward). Before the child is verbal she/he understands and want to communicate. Baby sign language is a natural and useful tool. For example, the child can tell you he/she wants more to eat without screaming or throwing the bowl across the floor. It is fun and something both parents can share in. And the signs can be useful later on after they are verbal too. It does not dealy speaking. IT strengths the brain and makes for a child who feels empowered not frustrated.

We all bring our own baggage into the parenting process no matter how we try to avoid it. And the key seems to be lots of communication, openness to your partner's point of view and reflecting on yourself with a willingness to make a change if it will make your family stronger.

Good luck! And have a wonderful rest of your pregnancy.
M.

It is great that you and your husband want to be on the same page about parenting and discipline... consistancy is the most important thing in parenting. However, you can't plan who your child is going to be and how they will respond to the world. My best advice is to wait and meet your child. Provide a loving, nurturing environment, keep them involved and let them experience the world, set limits, provide a schedule (with room for flexiblility), and most importantly, it is OK to let a baby CRY, that is how they communicate because they can't talk... sometimes they may be saying "put me down", "let me relax in the swing", "let me lay on the floor and look at the ceiling!". Your baby doesn't have to be attached to you at all times, and may actually benifit from having some time alone, even fussing for a little while to learn how to self soothe. My children slept in my room in a basinet for less than 3 months, then slept in the crib in their own room, were only "worn" if we were out or on occasion when really fussy, however, they loved the stroller too! And the bouncy seat was great.... My children (ages 1 and 3) are very happy, confident, well ajusted children who love to snuggle or play by themselves.... and I did not/do not practice "Attachment Parenting". For me, being able to put my children down once in while and do something else for a few minutes made me a better mom. So, my best peice of advice is, wait to become a mom, and see what works best for you. The most important thing is to love your child and find what works for you as a family when the time comes....they are forever changing, which means your form of parenting/discipline will forever be changing as well. Best of Luck!!

I agree with the other J.! :) I planned on 100% attachment parenting, when I was pregnant. I also planned on an unmedicated, natural labor. (c-section after 30 hours, sadly- but a healthy baby!) And I planned on at least 1 year of nursing. (I got 7 months, and then he self weaned to my dismay.) Life gets in the way of our plans all the time, but often for the best! My son has taught me to forget a lot of my "plans" and ideas, and just follow his cues.

That's what attachment parenting is really all about, in my opinion. Following your children's cues, and trusting yourself to do what is best for them. I co-slept at first, and nursed on demand. I still wear my 14 month old all the time. But I also now believe in letting a baby learn to soothe himself to sleep. Never thought I'd do that- but it was what he needed! And now, he's the best sleeper I've ever known! No issues, no hangups, no anxiety or feelings of betrayal. He LOVES to nap, and goes down easily at night. And still loves to be held and cuddled all the time! Just goes to show what I knew!

Keep reading all the books, and then follow your gut. And don't be afraid to change your mind. My son has taught me so much about life! :)

Good luck!

I suggest visiting a La Leche League meeting locally. Talk to the older women who have practiced this, usually with several children and see the results. Pick up a few of their books, especially The Womanly Art of Breastfeeding and The Family Bed which will give you an excellent overview.

I highly recommend reading The Continuum Concept. I followed a lot of this myself and don't regret a minute of it. My 17 year old and I are friends, I can trust her, she's independent but not reckless. I was quite surprised recently to find a recording online with the author.

People criticized me but having the knowledge from the books was enough to make me know deep down inside that I was being very reasonable and they weren't. Best to keep your mouth shut about some things when you're a parent! Your feeding and sleeping and discipline arrangements are your business and no one else's.

There was a very interesting thread on care2 recently about co-sleeping with children. The comments were quite interesting both for and a few who were adamantly against it. You may want to see if you can find it and go through them. Forums tend to be a little more biased.

Ultimately you and your husband will have to decide so just make your decision and don't allow anyone to influence you against what you want to do. Personally I prefer to live as close to a "natural" life as possible. It never made much sense to me to bottle or formula feed when our bodies produce the perfect food. Eating chemicals that alter the brains of people doesn't make sense either. Why have ADD? Better to feed the brain properly and avoid it.

My daughter never grew up with TV so she was never molded by advertising or peer pressure. She loves nice clothes, but not because of the brand or marketing. We had some videos that she enjoyed when I really needed to get something done and I needed her to occupied without me. She has a computer and watches some shows online that she likes. I've never really had to forbid her anything since she learned to make sensible decisions at a young age.

Another fantastic book is from Sidney Ledson and is called Raising More Intelligent Children. I heard him being interviewed on the radio one morning on my way to work. I pulled over to the side of the road and wrote down the name of his book and got it and practiced that as well. It works!

How you feed your child, what you allow them to be injected with as a baby (research vaccine dangers NOW, not later), how you treat/teach them in those first 4 years is going to determine not only their intelligence but how they will turn out as an adult.

It's great that you're doing your research now! I'm really impressed! Many people find out way too late that they've made terrible and irreversible mistakes. I'm a nutritional consultant and believe me when I say almost all the typical childhood illnesses are preventable. Most are also reversible but what materials we build the body and brain with will go a long way to having a healthy baby. This includes pregnancy.

It's no joke about listening to classical music. The child's brain and muscle structure will be different depending on the stress and kind of music you expose the fetus too.

Enjoy your pregnancy and if you have any unanswered questions or just want to chat, just message me.

Just thought of something else. Learn to carry your baby on your back like the African women do. You will never get a backache. I didn't know about this and I always had a sore back from the front sling which is really awkward. The women carry their children from baby-about 3. They love it and are very relaxed. Maybe there's a video on youtube about it.

First, I would like to say that I think it is wonderful that you are getting prepared for your new addition and doing the best research you can ahead of time. Now, to answer you...I thought I had everything planned out before my son arrived. I am the planning type so I had to have all my ducks in a row. Needless to say, nothing has gone as planned. From his surprise early arrival (via emergency c-section) to difficulty breast feeding, to sleep problems, to diapers leaking, to clothes not fitting him at the age they say they are, to his attachment to me and not to my husband, all this and more were shocking. I never expected to be the type of parent that I am but my child dictates his needs to me and I am here to meet them. All you really need to know is that you will have the answers when you become a mommy.

If you love your child and always TRY to do your best you will be a great parent. Don't get too caught up in doing things a certain way because atleast sometimes, it won't happened how you've planned. Decide things that are important to you and your husband and keep bringing them into focus.
Things I did and loved: had a midwife for delivery, breastfed- no bottles for 15 months, co-slept for first 6 months or so, started sign language around 6 months continued till 1st birthday, around 1st birthday followed thru with using please, thank you, yes sir, yes mam, etc. and around 1st birthday pacifier was only in crib.

Good luck with everything!

By definition, attatchment parenting should have no real methods other than to let your chile lead the way....

It suggests breastfeeding, co-cleeping, baby wearing, etc. I didn't REALLY do any of those, yet, I feel I am totally a practitioner of attachment parenting.

I had a bassonet right next to my bed and my daughter wouldn't sleep at ALL in the beginning. I tried bringing her into my bed and she would NOT sleep. One day I put her in her crib for a moment (which I originally had for decoration more than anything else) and she fell right to sleep. yes, my princess needs a plush matress.... She slept through the night from 2 months old after that discovery.

Basically, try the things Dr. Sears recommends or the things you THINK you shoud do. But if your baby cries or seems unhappy, don't be afraid to try other things. That is what attachment parenting is. Be in tune with your baby's needs and meet those needs.

Children don't need "discipline" when they are babies. They need re-direction. my daughter is almost 2 and I have never had to punish her or give her time out. And I don't let her get away with doing anything I don't want her to do.

Congrats! There is a great article about time in vs. time out in Mothering magazine in their July/August issue. I believe we are atachment parents. I did not know there was a label. I nurse, we bed share, I carry him in a sling. my hubby carries him in a Bjorn, we have him on a organic diet, and we delayed vaccinations. He is 9 month-old and he is happy and healthy. He is such a great first born we are planning to give him a sibling in the near future.

Yep - Dr Sears has a great website and his collection of books are great.
Talk with other parents - but ultimately, review other parents' viewpoints and other books and ultimately, do what's right for you. :)

Attachment parenting is really being in sync with your child and not letting the baby cry it out...
It's nice because you really become a mind reader and know what your child needs/wants instead of getting so frustrated...

Have fun!! My kids are now 4 and 18 months. :) And they're really great!

If you are looking for information about what attachment parenting is, check out www.attachmentparenting.org. This is the Attachment Parenting International website. Here they list their eight principles and give you links to other resources. This should help you decided if attachment parenting is right for you. And good for you for thinking about it before the baby comes!

Get The Baby Book by Dr. Sears or go on the Dr. Sears website for a good description.

The Baby Book by Dr. Sears is a great resource. He's a pediatrician, his wife a nurse and they raised 7 kids. I'm sure you can find it at your local library to peruse before deciding if you want to buy it. They are attachment parenting advocates.

I found that when I read about "approaches" a got even more confused! My son was NOT happy when he was born. He was extremely unhappy for the first 2 months. It didn't get better until about 4 1/2 months when he started sleeping through the night. Some babies need a lot of carrying, touching, and carressing. Some need less. My son needed a lot. I wish I had gotten a sling because he only slept when he was on my and wanted to nurse every 1-2 hours. He hated bottles and pacifiers. My advice is to love and attend to your baby's every need. Never let him or her cry and make him feel loved. Try to brestfeed as long as possible. It is mother nature's best gift and one of the best parts of motherhood!! Worry about all that other stuff later.

One clarification: By never let him cry, I mean when he is a newborn. Babies cry. A lot. But when he is a newborn, don't use a "Cry it Out" technique. This does work for some babies, but not until 6 months or later.

Hi,

I have a 4 year old, and I am studying/practicing positive discipline(meaning trying my very best, certainly no expert). Most of us were raised with the use of rewards and punishement, so the idea of not using these techniques is very hard to overcome. Time out is a thinly veiled (or not veiled at all) punishment. I always recommend a book when I reply because I love to read and it never is easy to write all one thinks and feels and so on. There is a book "Positive Discipline". Not too long, and really full of information on how to be a guider, a teacher, instead of a punisher. What is really hard about it is not only that reward and punishment is what most of us know, but also that in the short run, it can works very well (depending on the child's temperament). I think of it as kind of like training a circus animal. But the human mind is too much more complicated, emotional, intelligent.... We want to teach our kids to problem solvers, to think for themselves, to be resilient, not just to obey. Of course we still need to set limits for them. The trick is to do it in a positive way. It takes a lot of self control, it means keeping your own temper in check, and that can mean confronting your own history.

First you get the baby honeymoon, no discipline at all, then it's about keeping your toddler safe, then it gets more complicated! Luckily, you have time to grow into it with your baby.

For more reading, "Becoming the Parent You Want to Be" is also really wonderful. If your child has a challenging temperament, this would be another area to explore, (a favorite of mine "Raising Your Spirited Child").

I wish you all the best! Congratulations!

C.

The best info I've found on AP comes from Dr. Sears. I think by "time out" you're referring to discipline? Dr. Sears has a discipline book that's pretty good--discusses time out, etc. and also gives lots of other info to help avoid behavioral and discipline problems. I think it's actually called "The Discipline Book." Really, it's a whole system. If you start with the Dr. Sears Baby Book, and apply the AP principles with your newborn, the theory goes that you will have fewer discipline problems to deal with when your child becomes a toddler, and even into the later years. For example, if you follow his principles for AP from birth, your child will get what he/she needs, and will develop into an independent, well-adjusted child and adult. I actually believe there's something to that (I have a 2 year old). People think AP makes a child more dependent, but children must be dependent first, in order to become independent later. Babies ARE dependent, and it's normal. Now, when he's in a room full of kids, people always remark on how independent my son is!

Good luck and congrats!

Congrats on your first baby! I don't know much about either style of parenting, but here are my two cents: don't become overly focused now on what styleparenting you want to use. Every baby is different and yyou will likely find that once you get that baby home, your plans go out the window and you focus on taking it day by day. You'll learn what works for you and your baby as you get to know each other.

Haha, I looked at your request and was like "wait, I didn't write this!" We have the same initials. You know, I found that you can try to prepare yourself all you want about different ways of parenting but you will do what feels right when the time comes.