At one time I would have considered Cheryl my best friend. Several years ago, she and I were both single, and we spent a majority of our time together. 6 years ago, I met my husband. He lived in another state, so we were doing the long distance thing. He and I were friends before we began dating, so once we "got together" our relationship progressed pretty fast. She was still single, and probably a little jealous since I would be moving and I guess in a sense, was being taken away. She flat told me that she wasn't happy for me, and told me I was making a terrible mistake moving for him. Ever since, we haven't been close or talked very much over the years. I haven't made any effort to stay in contact with her. She's completely clueless as to why I've completely backed away. She's the type that is kind of in her own world/reality. Anyway, after the birth of my sons, I emailed her and we got together. I was back in my hometown for a visit, and I wanted her to meet my twins. It was nice, and I really enjoyed being with her again. She was great with my kids. But typical Cheryl, she fell back into old habits..... Ok, so let me lay this out for you....
1) She has never made any apologies for hurting my feelings in regards to my husband
2) She has also said really hurtful things to me other than husband related comments
2) Since I spent that one day with her, she apparently thinks its ok to ask me for things (money, etc) She uses me for her own selfish purposes
3) I have ignored 2 emails, dropped her off of my facebook account, and not returned phone calls
I thought she'd get the hint that I really don't want a relationship with her anymore. Not sure what to do. My husband is like a mother bear. He doesn't want me to have anything to do with her because of the hurtful things she's done & said to me. What should I do? She just called me tonight, which is what prompted this. Do I ignore the phone call? I don't really want to talk, but I also feel weird about not responding to her.
She is "She's the type that is kind of in her own world/reality" so she doesn't have a clue to what is going on. Have a very frank discussion with her via email if you don't want to talk to her.
I'd probably talk to her. You can chat a bit but don't feel pressured into giving her money or anything. If you absolutely don't want to talk to her, don't call her back. You don't owe her anything. You got together with her and spent time with her so that is good, right? You were not close after you got married so I wouldn't think you owe her an explanation. Life happens. It seems like she was able to go on after you got married... That's just my two cents. =) Good luck!!
People do change, life circumstances change, and old friendships no longer meet our needs. Sounds like you and Cheryl no longer fit each other well.
How to suggest this delicately: could it be that you only want her for what you can get out of the relationship, too? For example, why did you want her to meet your children, after not having contacted her for so long? Admiration/congratulations for the birth of your twins, for example? Whatever it was that you enjoyed when you reconnected with her, that was for you, right?
There's nothing wrong with that; it's actually the basis of most friendship. It does help a lot if we recognize that and are honest about it.
It's possible that she sincerely thought she was giving you caring advice about your husband years ago. All of us, me and you included, can be blind to our own motives. You could have taken that any number of ways: with humor, with disbelief, with anger, with hurt, with curiosity, with understanding, with a shrug. What she said, and what she meant by it, was her business, not hers. How you took it was your business, not hers.
Likewise, this is also true of the other "hurtful comments" she's made. If you want to know why she says these things or what she means by them, then ask her. Find out if she actually intends them to hurt. If she does, and you'd like an apology, be clear and honest about it. If she won't apologize, then you have grounds for breaking off your relationship with her. The other hints you've given are apparently too subtle, but that one should work.
She can ask you for money or other favors, but if you would feel merely used by giving her what she wants, then say no. She can't use you if you decline.
Calling her back is up to you. But if I were in your position, I'd want to be honest about what I'm feeling, rather than passively aggressing.
I would call her back so you can get some peace. Right now she is like that teenage girl who calls the boy and calls the boy and just doesn't get it! You need to be an adult and talk to her. Tell her you don't loan money to anyone. You have a family and that is where your loyalty lies. As for the advice she gave you, does it really matter? She is not in your day to day life and you need to drop the negativity.
As for dropping the relationship, after you are completely honest with her, it may be a mutual thing anyway. It is best for everyone to have people around them who lift them up and when that is not the situation on either side, it is time to move on.
Good luck!
Maybe you could try being honest with her. It sounds like she is far from the only one being hurtful.
Friendship means a relationship of mutual support and appreciation. If you dont feel that for Cheryl now, tell her. "Cheryl, I am glad we were able to visit recently. However, I do not feel the same connection we used to have. I am sorry if what I have to say hurts your feelings, but I would rather you did not call me for favors."
Certainly you can continue to ignore her, or you can be more direct and say something like "you know, we were great friends once upon a time, but I feel we've grown apart. Maybe I didn't make myself clear, but you truly hurt my feelings when you weren't happy for me when I decided to move and get married. I tried to get over it, and even enjoyed our time together at our last visit, but I just think our friendship has run it's course." As I type this I smile slightly knowing I would NEVER have the guts to do this! So, I guess just ignore her and eventually she'll quit trying to contact you. If she does ask a direct question, maybe you should consider keeping it simple. I'm sorry, but I feel our lives are going in 2 different directions. I know I'm ignoring you and I don't want to be that kind of friend, so please forgive me and know that I'll always have a special place in my heart for you, but I don't think I can give our friendship the time it deserves right now.
Trust your gut instinct. Ignore here phone call. Actually there is a free service called youmail (www.youmail.com). It is a voice mail that allows you to set up different greetings for different people in your contact list. There is even a feature called "ditch mail" that allow you to set up greetings like disconnect recordings and then it hangs up. Giving the caller the idea that the phone no longer works. Cheaper than changing your number :-)
Hope this helps.
D.
I do best expressing myself in writing. I write and rewrite and sleep on it and then modify it and let my husband and my sister read it and then if I think it expresses exactly what I want to say and if I still NEED to say it, I send it. This enables me to say what I need to say and not get bullied into backing off, in a fece-to-face confrontation, because I wouldn't normally say something. This has happened to me before in about the same exact way. My friend actually acepted my husband but we grew apart and I have just kept it at arm's length. We have absolutely nothing in common.
If you do decide to write a note, leave it open at the end to talk about anything you've said. Sometimes you are surprised that people really don't know they are the way they are. Most of the time it's because no one has ever told them. If you hurt her feelings, at least you are trying to do the right thing. If she doesn't get it and she ignores it, then just go on about your life. Either way you have done your best to make things right and to be honest with her.
Hope this helps! It's just my two cents.
M.
.
Have you ever told her how hurtful her comments/criticisms have been to you over the years? If she truly knows how mean and hurtful she has been to you and still did not apologize, then get rid of her forever. If she doesn't know exactly how badly you feel, then give her a chance and tell her and see if she gives you a very sincere apology. If she does, she would have to promise you that she will NEVER say anything hurtful to you again about your husband and whomever else. Choice is yours, and I don't blame you whatever you decide to do. She probably won't change. And, she CANNOT ask you for money ever again - how rude! Good luck.
Have you told her how you feel? Have you told her you understand that your marriage and move have created a distance and that you miss her? Have you told her you feel her words and behavior requires an apology?
I would start there. Lay it on the line for her without blame or accusations though. Just let her know you have certain things you need to get out of this friendship and if she feels like she can't meet you have way then she will know why you are not returning her calls and emails. You have nothing to lose by being honest.
Since you did initiate contact with her the last time you went home, I believe you should call her back and tell her nicely how the things she has done and said make you feel. Stick to the facts. Try to end your relationship without anger and arguing. Good luck!
Friendships change. Sometimes people outgrow each other. I wouldn't call her back but I would wait a few days and then send her an email or leave a message etc. Tell her that you have grown apart and that you wish her well and the best with her life but you can't be friends with her anymore. You don't have to apologize or explain why-- she has done some hurtful things to you-let her figure it out. Good luck.
M
I think dropping her from facebook and ignoring calls/emails is a little childish. I would tell her exactly why you no longer want her as a friend ,write a letter , that way you can get all that you need to say out without interuptions or it turning into a heated argument.
It's okay to set boundaries in your life. She doesn't sound like a person with whom you could have a healthy relationship with, so why would you want her in your life? It's okay to choose healthy relationships, and thus, not choose unhealthy ones. :)
Just my two cents,
R.
I didn't read all the responses, but I think Molly B and MiMi have the right ideas. I "dropped" a friend years ago - just quit returning phone calls, etc because I felt like she was using me, and at the time I just didn't have anything else to give. I have long regretted not telling her what was up. She was your friend once, and you have moved apart and you are not obligated to continue in that relationship that makes you feel this way, but she probably does deserve an explanation. Maybe it's the coward in me, but if you email her you don't have to argue each point and it can just be over - but at least she knows why. Good luck and God bless whatever you do!!!
