Any Mom's Dealing with Mentally Ill Parents?

J.,

I am now 46 and my mom has schizophrenia. I have lived away from her most of my adult life but still have to deal with her over the phone when she has an episode so to speak. Some days she can be sweet as a pea and other days like the devil. When she starts to talk in about one of her deals about the other woman in the house (which we all know there is no one else but her) I just listen to her and go oh or I change the subject to something more light and upbeat. You have to live your life and not let her schizophrenia run yours. Your children need you to be there for them, and they may not totally understand all the things grandma does. Does your mom take her meds? Mine does not think she needs them and only takes them when she feels like it. My dad has been with her 49 years of which most of those have been with her schizophrenia.

When we would visit my mom when my children were little I tried to protect them from grandma and did not want them to see her in one of her episodes. The best way to deal with her is not to argue with her and change the subject. It gets her mind off the things she thinks she is seeing.

Hope this helps you can email me anytime you want at ____@____.com

God Bless,
Kathy

My father is manic depressive with parinoid tendancies. He also has health issues and a tendancy to self medicate. I'm just about the only person he will listen too and although he is doing ok now, I know that it will eventually be my job to take care of him. I don't know about your particular situation, but dealing with someone who doesn't always live in reality is trying and requires a lot of patience. It's also difficult when you're young and you don't expect to have to care for your parents so early. If you'd ever like to talk, I'm available. Good luck and take care.

I understand exactly what you are going through. I had a great Aunt with Alzheimer’s. Luckily I had my Mom and Grandmother to help, but I was the only one living full time in the same location as her. So much fell onto me. What was frustrating for me was the other relatives who were her sisters, (other than my grandmother) who wanted no part in taking care of her. When her disease got to a point we had to place her in a home, we moved her closer to my Grandmother and her other sisters. Still the other sisters took no part in her care. That was several years ago and I was only 18 when I started to care for her. She passed when I was 22. It was frustrating, to say the least, when we received no help from others. I was, however, lucky that at least my mother and grandmother helped.

More recently, my grandmother is now getting to a point where she cannot live on her own. She has moved in with my mom & dad and I try to spend as much time there to help out as possible. My mom’s sister, my sister and my cousin seem to care less about her state and never offer to help or have Nanna visit them to give my mom a break.

My parents & I talk about this often and we have come to understand that in every family the duty to take care of the elderly or sick tends to fall on one person within each generation. My Grandmother, my mother and me. No matter what we did to get others involved, it never helped. The only thing I can suggest is to keep asking for help from your sisters, without expecting it. When and if they offer it don’t be resentful or surprised, just accept it graciously and thankfully. Also don’t criticize if they do something differently than you would do it. The help will not come often but when it does, you don’t want them to regret offering it. I would also suggest joining a support group and contacting charities for volunteers to help. If you can afford it, or insurance would pay for it, I would also suggest you hire help.

Dear J. Y,

First and foremost, please let me say to you that you are doing a wonderful job for your mother. I can say this without even knowing you because I am walking down the same road as you. Different illnesses, but pretty much the same problems. Please never forget this.....God will only give you what He knows that you can handle. That being said, there are days and probably many of them when you feel so alone and so overwhelmed that you feel God is giving you far more than you can handle. I know...I speak from experience.

I am the middle child. I am 50 years old and have a daughter whom I absolutely adore. She just turned 19 and is away at college which is another anxiety problem that is added to my situation. I miss her tremendously, but I also know that she needs to be where she is.

I am only one of 7 children. That's right seven kids. My mother passed away 5 years ago (Jan. 2nd, 2002) and we had the most awesome relationship. I miss her so much and I wish and pray that she could be here to answer so many questions for me, but reality is....she is not. Out of her and my father's seven children, me as the middle one.....they chose me over the other six to take care of everything for them...in death and now in health regarding my dad. I didn't want it, I begged and pleaded for them to not pick me, that this role should be given to the oldest, but they wouldn't hear of it because they told me that out of all their children who they absolutely loved dearly, I would be the one who would be fair, honest and make sure that their wishes were carried out to the letter.
I didn't truly find out that they went through with their decision until the day came when we sat down at the funeral home to make arrangements for my mother. Not only was that horrible, but that is when I was given the papers naming me Executor as well as Power of Attorney for my father.

Now, I could go on about my situation, but we are not here for that....I am answering you because I feel that perhaps maybe I can help considering I have been where you are or should I say I am still where you are right now.

My father was diagnosed with Alzheimer's 2 years ago and I already had him in Assisted Living after my mother passed, but he still was completely able to live his life however he wished and come and go as he pleased. The only "assistance" was actually doing his laundry, cleaning his unit, and preparing all of his meals which he ate in the dining hall with all of the residents. When he slipped into the onset of Alzheimers, it was about two years ago.

Absolutely none of my brothers or sisters have lifted one single finger to help him. I am all he has. He relies on me for everything and as much joy as it gives me to do things for him and to be there for him in every way, it has taken a toll on my health. First my mother's passing and now this.

I have begged my siblings to help....nothing. He has two sons who live probably 10 minutes away from him and have not called him, not seen him, not visit, sent a birthday card....nothing in two years. My older sister does nothing but call once a month, speaks only to the nurses when she knows full well she can speak to him directly, but chooses not to. In addition to that, she does nothing but cause trouble for me, complains about everything to me, etc., and yet I am the only one is there for him and need I say, he doesn't make enough money from his Social Security or his VA benefits to pay for everything, so that comes from me and it's not just a little here and there. It's every month and lots of money. I don't care about the money, I am just mentioning it because when I have been told by my siblings that I am doing a horrible job, I then ask them to take over if they think that they could do better, guess what their response always is???? Yeah, you got it right.....NO.

SO, MY ADVICE TO YOU IS THIS, GOING THROUGH IT MYSELF, I COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY UNDERSTAND WHAT PLACE YOU ARE IN RIGHT NOW.

PLEASE UNDERSTAND THAT GOD ONLY EXPECTS YOU TO DO DAILY WHAT HE GIVES YOU TO DO.

YOU ARE ONLY ONE PERSON AND ONE THAT IS NEEDED BY HER HUSBAND AND HER CHILDREN. YOU CANNOT LET THIS CONSUME YOU SO MUCH THAT IT MAKES YOU MISERABLE. I KNOW THIS....I AM SPEAKING FROM EXPERIENCE. AND BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAY, THAT IS NOT AN EASY THING TO DO....BALANCING YOUR TIME, YOUR ENERGY, YOUR LOVE AND YOUR HEART BETWEEN TWO THINGS THAT YOU WANT SO MUCH TO MAKE BETTER AND YOU WANT SO MUCH TO BE THERE FOR EVERYONE.....BUT ITS NOT LIKE THAT.

YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND THAT GOD WANTS YOU TO "DRAW A HEALTHY LINE". DID YOU KNOW THAT "WORRY", THOUGH IT IS A HUMAN CHARACTERISTIC WE ALL DO.....IT IS A SIN. PLACE YOUR TROUBLES AND YOUR WORRIES AT HIS FEET AND HE WILL PROVIDE FOR YOU WHAT YOU NEED. YOU JUST NEED FAITH.

STOP WORRYING YOURSELF ABOUT THE ONES WHO DO NOTHING....THEY ARE NEVER GOING TO HELP YOU, THEY ARE ONLY GOING TO BRING YOU DOWN. AND BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAY THIS....THEY ARE NOT LOSING ONE MINUTE OF SLEEP WORRYING ABOUT YOU. THAT IS NOT TO SAY THAT THEY DON'T LOVE YOU, BUT THEY DON'T HAVE WHAT YOU HAVE, THEY DO NOT POSSESS A COMPASSIONATE AND LOVING HEART. GOD GAVE THAT TO YOU FOR THIS VERY MOMENT IN YOUR LIFE BECAUSE HE KNEW THE PLANS HE HAD FOR YOU LONG BEFORE YOU WERE BORN. HE KNEW THE STRUGGLES THAT WOULD FACE WAY BEFORE THEY HAPPENED AND HE IS THERE FOR YOU....YOU JUST HAVE TO BELIEVE.

WHAT YOUR MOTHER IS GOING THROUGH IS BREAKING YOUR HEART JUST IN YOU ALONE, MINUS ALL THE OTHERS AND EVEN IF THEY WOULD PITCH IN AND HELP OUT, IT WOULD STILL WEIGH HEAVY ON YOUR HEART BECAUSE YOU LOVE HER SO MUCH. FOR ALL THAT SHE HAS PROBABLY DONE FOR YOU, WHAT YOU ARE DOING FOR HER NOW WILL COME BACK TO YOU TEN FOLD. I PROMISE YOU.

PLEASE REMEMBER THAT GOD DID NOT CREATE YOU TO CARRY SUCH A BURDEN BY YOURSELF....HE IS WITH YOU, THOUGH SOMETIMES I KNOW ITS HARD TO IMAGINE, BUT HE IS. YOU NEED TO GRAB A HOLD OF THAT INNER STRENGTH, ACCEPT THAT YOU ARE DOING EVERYTHING FOR YOUR MOTHER THAT YOU POSSIBLY CAN AND REMEMBER THAT YOU ARE ONLY ONE CHILD THAT SHE HAS AND YOU CAN ONLY BE ONE CHILD. DO NOT TAKE ON THE BURDEN OF HER DISEASE ALONG WITH THE BURDEN OF YOUR SIBLING'S INABILITY TO LOVE BEYOND THEIR SELFISH NEEDS. THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT THEY ARE.....SELFISH. BUT, THEY WILL HAVE TO ANSWER FOR THAT SOMETIME FROM NOW, BUT FOR NOW....YOU DO THE BEST THAT YOU POSSIBLY CAN FOR YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR REWARDS WILL BE FAR GREATER THAN YOU COULD EVER IMAGINE.

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. IF YOU DO NOT DO THAT, HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY TAKE CARE OF HER AND YOUR FAMILY.

REMEMBER THIS....YOUR MOTHER WOULD NOT WANT YOU TO GO THROUGH WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH RIGHT NOW. SHE WOULD WANT YOU TO BE A WIFE AND BE A MOTHER BECAUSE THAT IS WHAT YOU ARE. SHE LOVES YOU AND SHE WOULD WANT YOU TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, TAKE CARE OF YOUR FAMILY AND LOOK TO GOD TO HELP YOU WITH ALL OF IT.

DO NOT STRUGGLE WITH YOUR SIBLINGS AND THEIR LACK OF CARING AND COMPASSION. GOD WILL DEAL WITH THEM. DRAW THAT HEALTHY LINE BEFORE ITS TOO LATE AND UNDERSTAND WHAT YOUR PURPOSE IN LIFE IS. BE A DAUGHTER WHO CAN DO MANY GREAT AND WONDERFUL THINGS, BE A WIFE WHO CAN ENJOY THE LOVE AND PEACE YOUR HUSBAND OFFERS YOU, AND CERTAINLY BE A MOM....THE GREATEST GIFTS ARE THE CHILDREN WE ARE BLESSED WITH. THEY NEED YOU TOO AND THEY NEED A HAPPY, HEALTHY MOMMY. HEALTHY IN BODY, SOUL, AND SPIRIT.

FORGET ABOUT WHAT YOUR SIBLINGS DON'T DO AND DO WHAT ONLY J. CAN DO AND GOD WILL WATCH OVER YOU, PROTECT YOU AND REWARD YOU. YOU HAVE DONE A GREAT JOB, MY CHILD.....THAT IS WHAT YOU WILL HEAR FROM GOD.

I hope that I have helped you and remember that I too struggle with the same things you do regarding my father, so reach out to me and I will reach out to you and perhaps we can help each other through it all.

May God bless and take care of you,
T.

Hi J....

I can't relate to your situation BUT, my best friend (Marie) can! Her mom is schizophrenic and she struggles with this LACK of relationship there (her father - who raised her - passed away when she was 20)... IF you're interested in corresponding with her, send me your email address and I will send it to her. She lives in CA. now (from Venice, FL).
Sabrina (her first name) is 39, and has 1 daughter, who's a year and 1/2.
I'm W. : ____@____.com

Both my mother & sister suffer from bipolar disorder, so I know where you're coming from. My mom & I are very close, but I never know when she's going to fly off the handle. She'll be fine and we'll have great times for months and months, but then she'll suddenly call me and berate me for 20 minutes about something that happened when I was a kid. The best thing to do is have patience. Find commmon ground for you & your mother and things that are fun and don't make tension. Most important - stay strong. Everyone's situation is different.