So, my son is almost 3.5, and the questions have started about his father. They started about 6 months ago. Back story - I am a single mom, father was never involved. He pays child support and since my son was the age of 1.5 he has seen him, but it's only been once every 8-10 months. So, my son does not know him as his father and really has only been around him 3 times.
Last night he was talking out loud about families and all the people involved in families and all of a sudden he says "mom, where is my Daddy?" "WHO is my Daddy." Now, he has asked a few other times and I just answered "your daddy doesn't live with us, but he loves you" and that seemed to satisfy him. But this time I just felt like he really wanted to know. So I told him "your daddy doesn't live with us he lives ______, he loves you very much, would you like to see a picture of him." When I showed him a picture he hugged and kissed the picture (which made me all emotional, but I hide it well). Then today he was telling my Dad (his grandpa) all about the picture of his Daddy.
I am torn, did I do the right thing?? I just didn't want to keep ignoring his questions, but now I am afraid it's going to grow into him wanting to see his Dad, etc. I did know this was going to happen eventually - I guess I should have thought about that more before it actually became an issue. I also think I am feeling bad that I told him his Daddy loves him very much because I am not sure if that is really true ): So, maybe that is what I am questioning the most.
Thoughts, advice, experiences??
Thank you everyone for the feedback. I feel good about how I handled it, but I will most likely skip the love part next time. I did let his father know that our son has been asking a lot about him lately, and I also told him about the kiss and hug to the picture (which was so very adorable and sad at the same time!). But I have not gotten a response. His father is just too wrapped up in his own life and his spending time with his other son. Although that upsets me, I will NEVER talk bad about him to my son, he can form his own opinion of him in time. Thanks again ladies for all your feedback and support, I really appreciate it.
There is nothing you can do to stop him from wanting to see his father. Every child wants to know about their own parents, and boys look to their father's for their own identity.
Hang in there with the same line as long as possible. Maybe you can call his dad and see if he's ready for a visit.
While it's important and great to have other male role models, the Dad issue isn't going away.
I, too, like the idea of explaining a father vs. a daddy.
No--you're right, you cannot keep ignoring his questions--he deserves to know.
Very sad, sorry.
Any time you tell your child the truth, you have done the right thing.
Families are each unique and special.. Your son is loved and that is all that is important.
You were honest, AND only answered your son's direct questions, without elaborating into territory that he may or may not be ready to cover. This is wonderful.
Now I suggest you change the conversation into one about all the different kinds of families there are in the world, and about all the people who ARE in your son's life and who love him and care for him and play with him and help him learn things. There are some great books out there about families of all different shapes and sizes. Todd Parr has a great one (and perfect for a 3-year-old) called "the Family Book." I'm sure there are others. Maybe the next time your son is coloring, sit down with him and help him draw a picture of his family: you, his grandparents, favorite teachers, neighbors, whomever is close to him and sees him often. If he goes to day care, ask the teachers for some help reinforcing the strength of the family that he has, rather than the missing piece.
He is going to be curious about his dad. The dominant culture still constantly reinforces "one mom, one dad, more than one kid" as the perfect family - even though most families don't look like that. But you can help him see the wonderful community that loves him, and help him know that he is not the only kid "without a dad." Good luck, you're doing a great job.
I think you did pretty well for being put on the spot--you were honest and didn't overwhelm him with too much info.
At 3 my son was also really interested in family relationships. He learned who was related to whom in the whole extended family and looked at lots of old pictures of me and other grown ups he knew when we were kids.
Sounds pretty good. Not sure about the love thing, but when he gets older that's something he'll blame on his dad not you. I plan on telling my daughter all kids have dads, like grandpa is mommy's dad, some dads live with you and some don't... yours doesn't live with us. Do you want to see what he looks like?
I have a pic of him in her baby book on the dad page. I am praying she doesn't get too much wanting to see him. I have no problem with letting her see him of course, it is the disappointment she will feel when he lets her down and doesn't keep his word like he never has.
Don't beat yourself up. It is a really hard question, I had to answer it like above by simple terms 6 months ago when she watched Dinosaurs and noticed kids have moms and dads. It's like your child suddenly asking you "mom what's sex" I think it's the hardest question to answer (the dad question). If he asks again just try to answer without the love portion (just in case). If he asks if dad loves him say I'm sure he does very much. Does he have a good male figure in his life? grandpa? friend of yours? I notice my daughter doesn't question about dad now because she has grandpa.
You did a wonderful and emotionally generous thing. It's hard to know that your very young child will have deeply painful experiences, as we all do. (Honestly, it doesn't get that much easier when they get older.) Also, it sounds like you have good instincts about how to talk to your son.
In my opinion, erring on the side of "prepare" rather than "protect" is a good idea. For example, if his father can be trusted to be basically safe with him, you might want to schedule another visit with your son some time in the next couple of months (and give the father the heads up about the picture -- I can't imagine a man who wouldn't be touched by that).
Or, you may want to tell your son sooner rather than later a little bit about why his dad is uninvolved. My experience with my own kids is that they accepted some tough truths about their parents and grandparents very well because I was so matter of fact about them as they were growing up.
Lastly, it might also be helpful to find other single parent households with kids his age and join or form a play group with these families. I imagine that as he gets older he may be more able to live without too much sadness about his situation if he knows how normal it is.
It's not good that u tell him that his dad loves him. I am not saying tell him his father is a loser or that he has abandon him. But ur setting up the fairy tale for ur son that isn't true. Keep it simple and truthful. Maybe call the dad and tell him what's going on.syne he's ready to step up to the plate. Stay prayerful. Not an easy thing, but eventually ur son will be asking his father if he loves him and other hard questions!
You need to stick to the "your daddy doesn't live with us" thing but stop with the your daddy loves you thing. It will hurt him more later on when his dad is not at all in the picture. Deflect it with "there are all kinds of families" thing? Sesame street had a great episode you can probably get it on dvd. it was all about how some families have a mom and dad and kid, some have a grandma and kid some have a mom or dad etc..... I think he is probably just at the age where kids say things like "my mom did..... my dad did...." and he wants to be able to say something about his dad. I would really stop with the your daddy loves you thing though. just be very matter of fact about he doesn't live with you. He will want to see him if you keep saying that.
You did good.
Does he actually love him a lot? Hopefully that part is true.
Honesty is always the best policy... but you have to be complete in your honesty. Daddy doesn't love him very much, infact I would start referring to him as "Your father..." rather than "daddy". Don't ignore his questions, but don't give him a false impression of who his father "is or isn't". If you continue to tell him that his father loves him and it's not true, it will be crushing to him when he gets older. Not in your shoes, but I would say something like:
"Your father's name is Otto. Otto lives in New Mexico. Is there anything you would like to know about him?" If he says yes, then answer his questions. If he says no, then move on to another topic. The next time his father comes to see him, make sure he is prepared with some background on how you have been answering the questions so he can respond accordingly!
I think you did great. He has a father and you can share facts about him. And he may see him in the future. You can only facilitate on your son's behalf. I fhe starts asking why his father isn't around or doesn't visit, you can never answer for or explain his father's behavior. Remeber saying, "I dont' know" is a good answer. You can only tell your son how wonderful a boy he is and that you wish his dad behaved differently. And give him lots of examples of good fathers and men who express their love to him, so he learns how a father should act. Make it clear he is not responsible for his father's behavior and we can't make other people act a certain way. I would probably back off the daddy loves you comments. I htink it is fine to say that his father loves you thes "best he is able to" and that he is not making good decisions about being a parent. I dont' admire your situation an dI am sorry yoyu are going through it.
You did a fine job, but maybe next time this comes up, don't stress the love part. In fact, I wouldnt say that his daddy loves him. I'd say that his father lives in x and leave it at that. By using the word daddy and talking about love, you're setting your sons expectations. He knows what daddies are... His friends have those. He knows what love is and what goes along with that (cuddles, playtime, spending time together). You can also talk to your son about how families come in all shapes- some kids have one mom and one dad, some have one mom, some have two dads, etc.
It is normal for children to ask this question and I think you did the right thing. Eventually, you will be able to tell more specific details, but for right now...you tell him what he can handle. It is good that you responded to his question and acknowledged his desire to know. You are doing great.
I agree with the posters who suggest referring to the biological father as something other than "daddy". To a child, "daddy" is an extremely loaded term that implies a relationship. A daddy is someone who loves a child and takes care of that child, even if they don't live together. If your son's biological father has no interest in the child, he is NOT a daddy.
I was in a similar situation. Like Jaymie C suggested, I told my daughter that her biological father was sick and couldn't be around. I told her that there are all different kinds of families, and everyone has a biological father, but not everyone has a daddy. Sometimes the biological father is the daddy, sometimes not. Some kids have two daddies (it helped that we were friends with a gay couple and their kids had two moms). I told my daughter that some day I'd meet a great guy and get married and that my husband would choose to be her daddy. And that's what happened.
Anyhow, my advice: don't call the biological father daddy. And don't continue to tell your son that the biological father loves him. You can't speak for the feelings of another adult. If biological father loves your son, he can tell him. If your son asks you if his biological father loves him, maybe you can say that you think the guy is confused right now, so it's hard to know how he feels. Don't worry about whether or not you made a mistake- you can figure out how you're going to deal with these questions and be consistent from here on out, and your son will be fine. Good luck :)
my M. refused to discuss my father after the last time he visited. i always remembered him and suspected he lived nearby. It was cruel of her not to tell me anything and left me wounded when i began dating.
i think you did the right thing.
Sigh, that must be REALLY tough! You know your son best and it sounds like you did exactly what needed to be done RIGHT!
I personally haven't experienced this, but have a few very good friends that have (several years ago). One of those situations ended up resulting in a on/off relationship with their Dad when the child was younger. And, then when he was old enough HE made the choice to not be involved with his flakey Dad. His Mom loves him so much and is a wonderful Mom/Dad :)
Just hang in there, and keep loving him like you are. He'll be just fine!
For his age, I would have done the same thing. It is hard to tell a little boy - grown up boy stuff. I would be honest with him as you go along and just do the best you can with small amounts of info at a time or just keep repeating the same response...... If a picture is okay for him to see and you don't mind, then why not show him once in a while. It may be a faze and he may grow out of asking questions. When he is older or when your comfortable then you can continue with the " I don't know why........." stuff and then eventually he will have to make his own decisions as to what he thinks or feels for his dad and then it will be the dad's choice to change that or keep it the same. It is really not your place to help him feel a certain way one way or the other. My neice had a dad but not her moms husband. She did the best she could to encourage her to keep in touch with that father, but it turned out about age 5 where she realized it was not her father's first priority to be in her life and she finally said, I don't want to be around him. So then her step-dad was her dad from that point on.....
i think you did the right thing....my oldest son saw his dad everyother weekend until summer 2010 when apparently he was doing alot of things we didnt know about....long story short he was incarcirated (sp?) psych ward rehab all of that and now when my son asks about him i just tell him hes in a place where he can get help because he made a lot of bad decisions in his life.....
i mean what are you going to say really? you have to leave it open because when your child gets older he will form his own opinion and i didnt want to paint the picture of a bad guy for him.....
