Another Baby? - Springfield,MO

This is such a personal thing. The question of how many children to have can not be answered by anyone but you and your husband. He has a very valid argument in that you have 2 healthy children and might not be so lucky next time. It is a fear that many dads have, that if adding a third child with a disability, they may not be able to be the dad they currently are to the 2 children they already have. Of course, I think a good dad is a good dad no matter how many children they are sharing their time with. A great family can function fantastically with 1 child or 5. The answer will come in time, but has to come from the two of you! Good luck, and enjoy your two year olds, what a blessing.

No O. can predict what may or may not happen. The big issue is that you & your hubby have to agree on whether or not to have another. Since he has offered to get a vasectomy, I think he's pretty serious about stopping.
Remember what Jon Gosselin (jerk that he is!) said "I wanted to stop at 2 kids...the whole world is made for families of four!" There is some validity to that thought though...

So sorry you felt judged on this site... usually it's such a wonderful and non judgemental place! We moms are all in it together you know :]

I just wanted to add that your twins are only 2 years old and it does sound like you have some fertile years left so maybe give hubby some time? I've always thought 2 year olds were pretty difficult and maybe if they grow a little more your husband will be ready by then... or maybe you will have grown to accept not having another baby.

I would also suggest Natural Family Planning to you. You won't have the chemicals from birth control, and it's immediately reversible, unlike the vasectomy! It has strenghthened our marriage because you have to communicate better. It is sometimes hard to abstain mid-month if you're trying not to conceive, but if you're only making love a few times a month now, it might not be as difficult for you. Once you learn your cycle, you'll know the times when you won't get pregnant and you can use that time for you and your husband... since he's so concerned about it and you sound like you also feel like you are missing out on "intimacy". (more info at ccli.org)

I wish I had more advice for you but I guess I can only say keep discussing it and maybe give it some time. Good luck to you.

okay, I am going to be totally inappropriate & post after closure of this request: When we Moms respond to requests, we do it from the heart, from our life experiences, & (for the most part) in a desire to help others. Each of us has her own opinion & thoughts on issues. That does not make us mean, evil, or uncaring.....it simply means that we all have our own place in the world.

M. C.....please open up your heart & soul to the thoughts of others. This is especially true when you are making the effort to seek out the opinions of others! Some very valid points were made this morning, & honestly ....your "So What Happened" response was a red flag for me! You seem to be distraught, it really comes thru in both your request & response, & my heart goes out to you. In hopes that you achieve Peace.......

The "no" wins. Ultimately, no matter how much you want another child, you can't want one enough to make up for your husband not wanting one. It would not be fair to the child (or children!). I understand how you feel, but the reality is that your husband is not on board. I hope that does not cause you to leave him to find someone who does want to have more children, though, because that would be terrible for the children you already have. Please try to come to terms with this. If he wants a vasectomy, maybe you should consider that. At least then he will have sex with you, and then you might be better able to accept that you will not be having more children.

I agree that this is a very personal issue.

We have the same argument in our house (except for the wanting sex every day thing). I want more kids, my husband isn't sold on it (he jokes that "practicing" may talk him into it).

10 weeks after the birth of our second, I was diagnosed with cancer and went through 5 months of chemo. I'm OK now, and the treatment regiment I received should not have affected my fertility. I've been reassured that the pregnancy did not cause my cancer, but no one knows what triggers Hodgkins.

Recently, my motivations have become a little more selfish (other than always having wanted more kids and feeling like I missed out on the first year of my daughter's life). I only have 1 more option if my cancer recurs - a stem cell transplant. We didn't think ahead about banking the cord blood with either of our other kids. God forbid one of them, my husband or I had a catastrophic event happen again, would having another child and the opportunity to bank that blood give us another chance at treatment that we don't currently have?

It sounds like you and your husband need to have a heart-to-heart, lay it ALL out on the table and come to an agreement together. Even if you have a child who's not perfect, most people agree that the children with either genetic or birth disabilities are angels.

Good luck!

Your hubby's reasons for not wanting more kids are all logical, fact-based, and true. Your emotional reasons for wanting more children are emotionally-based, and in their separate arena, also true.

It sounds like the problems you have in talking through this issue are based on the simple fact that your arguments are coming from two different "realities," neither of which includes the other.

There are a variety of approaches you could use to address the communication blockage. These might include counseling, or looking into a process like Non Violent Communication.

Be aware that if any such approach is to actually work, though, both of you must be open to the possibility, somewhere in your souls, to see the other's point of view and find agreement. That could mean your husband eventually embraces the idea of another child (or two), or that you embrace the idea of being blessed and satisfied with the two you have.

Your "desperation" is important to take notice of. Desperation is a word properly applied to the basics of physical survival: air, water, food, rest, bodily protection / shelter. A sense of desperation for children is possibly a signal that some deeper soul need is going unsatisfied.

If your husband can never find the assurance in himself that he can deal with the awesome responsibilities of bringing more babies into his family, it may still be possible for you to identify your deeper desires and satisfy them in some way that will not undermine your union with your spouse, or his ability to meet your family's most basic needs. Blessings to you both as you work your ways through this difficulty.

twins run heavily in my family. It was our generation for twins and there is none. I was over 35 and so was my brother when we had some of our kids and still no twins. there were 4 sets in the family. my second cousins have no twins either. Its anybodys guess if the next birth will be twins or not.

So funny! I feel like I was in a very similar situation! I have 17 month old twins, and my husband was dead set against having more children (ours, too were very healthy...8 lbs 7oz and 7 lbs 13 oz). He feels like our family is perfect just the way it is, but I would love to have another baby. I didn't want to pressure him too much because I wanted to respect his decision. I would bring it up, but try not to make it an issue between us. He, too, is afraid of twins again since they run in the family. I found with my husband, after a little time he has decided that he does want another child. But, I had to give him the time and space. Honestly, if he didn't change his mind, as hard as it would have been for me, I would have had to respect his decision. Having a baby affects the whole family, and I'd rather have a happy husband and kids than feel like I had to twist his arm into something he didn't want to do.

I can see where your husband is coming from, but at the same time you cannot let these things hold you back. You may want to give it a few more years and try again, as maybe he is also worried about the fact that you will have 2 twins that are going to probably be 3 years old, and then a new born, that can be a challenge. Though I have to say that even if you do have a child with a disability, or something like that, there is nothing wrong with that. My oldest Son has Autism, and he is the one a great child, and brings much joy in my life, and has taught me very much. I would never change it for anything. Even though my hands are full, I would love to have another Blessing (I call my boys my blessings), but due to medical problems I can no longer have children. So, I know how you are feeling..

I never had twins, would have loved them though, but we did have our first two boys 12 months apart, not planned but very much loved and wanted. It was a bit much for my husband and he said that was it. I wanted more but knew he meant it so I would advise you to let your husband have the final say. You've let him know your desires and if he loves you he will consider that. After 6 years we had 6 more children. Yes, 8 total from a man who had said never again. I don't advise everyone to have that many children at all, but he did change and I know it would have been not good or me feeling guilty if I'd pushed him and he'd given in before the time he was ready. I know having the first 2 so close was not twins but similar in close age and I think that makes a difference especially with men. They see you do so much extra work and the added strain of the pregnancy, etc. and he may be thinking of you too. Tell him again, lovingly, how you feel and that you will do what he decides but that it's not your desire. Then wait and don't remind him about it again. You could say how you enjoy these children, etc. Then wait. That's my advice to you and it may not work out and then again it may and whatever it will be best for you and your husband's relationship than arguing over it and having hard feelings at each other.