Annoying Kid at School

I would sit down with the teacher and ask her to describe to you exactly how the other kids find her "annoying"...it's hard to give advice on changing a behavior if we don't know what the behavior is. Specifics, please.

It is times like this that I wish we had a platform where you could post this to the other parents and they could answer.

There is a reason, there is always a reason. I had a lot of the issues you describe and it was my behavior mixed with a fair bit of intolerance. I am ADD and I swear unmedicated you may as well paint a target on us because everyone has a reason to hate us.

All in all it was my parents and my teachers that made it worse but that is another story.

I will tell you one strange thing I found out at my 20th reunion. Most of the kids in the class liked me. I was strange but nice. Everyone knew I was smart except me. :p Apparently in the grand scheme of things it was the teachers that brought most of my pain upon me.

Yeah I was bullied but even the kids that wouldn't bully me were afraid to stand up to the bullies, not because they were afraid of the bullies but because the teachers made it very clear they didn't like me much either. Strange I know. As a kid you don't see this. Pretty sure if the parents had dug into it they would have found this out, ya know?

I guess I am saying reach out to the parents that you think may give you an honest assessment. Don't be offended by what they tell you but take the information, remove the feelings and look at what you are seeing. Then take it to the teacher and say hey! if you are not part of the solution you are part of the problem.

Knowing what exactly is annoying the other kids is the only way she can control the behavior. My parents were never my advocate, I was always an advocate for my kids. That made all the difference in the world.

What are the tendencies you notice in your daughter? You said the story reminded you of your daughter. We can't help you, if we don't know what you are trying to correct.

A little thing like interrupting is a straight -up discipline issue. You need to be firm with the "Do not interrupt" rule from a very early age, because very eager kid does it and it's a very hard habit to break. BUt as for the other behavior-sounds to me more like it's the other kids who are mean.

I remember having a friend when I was about 8. She was an only child, and very poor, her house had ants climbing on the walls everywhere and her mom was morbidly obese and didn't get out much. Looking back now, I think the girl had some special needs and was a little slow, but that wasn't acknowledged to me at he time. My mom, ever the good samaritan, made sure to take me to play with her and have her over, and I really liked her. Once I remember saying to my mom, "She's always trying too hard to show me everything and she won't just leave me alone sometimes" or something like that, and my mom came down on me pretty hard saying that unless she was being mean, it was not nice of me to criticize her. Everyone is different, and she was just trying to be a friend. She also explained that no one had taught her how to have tact, etc, so I could help her with that as a friend. That lesson really stuck with me, and I remember the next time I was with her, I saw the behavior in a whole new light and it didn't annoy me.

Sure, you should help your daughter not to be annoying. Don't let her call people after play dates, warn her in advance not to drag everything out "to show" and remind her if she starts to. Pull her aside when you see her getting to be "too much" and give her a heads-up. But someone should also be working with these other kids not to be snobs who bully by alienation. Your daughter will come into her own and this will pass, just do your best to guide her, and report any mean behavior by classmates to teacher. Keep mentioning to the teacher that you're sorry you're daughter can be overbearing and you're working on it, but you HOPE it isn't affecting how PEOPLE (hint hint teacher) are treating her.

Go to school and ask the teacher for a little meeting so you can talk to her about some concerns with your DD. Then ask her directly. Is she not liked by her peers? Why is that? I can't imagine a teacher who would not give you some information you can use in coaching your DD to make some friends. I'll bet there is more going on than your DD's behavior. Cliques and bullying could be some reasons she doesn't feel accepted by a particular group.

I do not like the response from the teacher, I would have had her class changed before this.. You need to stop telling your daughter what she needs to change. Instead start telling her what she is doing right and that your proud of her. If you want her to be accepted, then you need to teach her confidence. You need to teacher her that when you are too nice it gives a cue to other kids that you are two weak and a target. Tell her it doesn't mean you truly are but its the perception. Its the end of school can you not by chance afford to put her in a montissori with smaller classes. Also sign her up for some dance or gymnastics or karate where you can watch whats going on. Then say to her when something happens. How do you think that could have handled betterr etc Do not be judgemental you need to the one to raise her confidence in herself.

Annoying can mean a lot of things and is very subjective. The butting in can be addressed by modeling appropriate behavior and correcting her when she does it (I just did this w/ my daughter this evening...I acknowledged her because at age 5, that was the only way she would stop and after listening to her I said "ok but first, I need you to do me a favor and use your manners. Did you hear mommom talking?" and when she answered yes, I reminded her that she didn't say excuse me and if we did that to her she would have been upset that we talked over her). The rest of the evening, she said "excuse me". Same type of thing with the answering when not being spoken to.

Hi. I know I'm late in responding, but I really want to say, it sounds like your daughter is being severely bullied and is internalizing the things bullies say about her. Kids really need close friendships to learn good social skills, and a child who's singled out for bullying will never get this chance. So it's a double (or maybe triple) whammy: Everyone tells her she's annoying, so what she takes away from that is that she can't control being annoying. No one plays with her one on one, in a friendly way, so she doesn't have a chance to improve her social skills.

Here's what I really, really recommend:

Sit down with the incoming teacher (5th grade?), withOUT your daughter present, and say the following: "Jenny" was really bullied by her classmates last year, and we really want to avoid that this year. I think part of the problem was Jenny's behavior, and part of it was the group dynamic. I really want to seek out your help on both."

Teachers CAN feed into bullying behavior -- lord knows it happened throughout my own painful childhood -- but they can also help turn a group dynamic around. Please recruit this teacher as your ally from the start.

You might also talk with the school psychologist and see if there's a social skills class or something for her.

Best wishes,

Mira

Kids, even teenagers, use the term "annoying" to mean a very WIDE variety of characteristics. Lately I have found that it usually means kids who kiss up to adults to appear sweet or get their way. Not saying YOUR daughter is doing this, I have just been noticing that's what a lot of kids mean when they say someone is annoying.
Start by meeting with her teacher. Ask her what SHE is observing at school. I'm sure she'll be very honest and helpful.
And really watch your daughter when she interacts with other kids. Don't intervene, just watch, you'll learn a lot! That will also be very helpful.

Awww man my heart breaks. I have an only little girl as well. She sounds like a sweetheart and just trying to be liked. I have a personality like that. I am always bubbly and trying to please everyone. I notice people get annoyed by me. I am trying not to be like that but honestly its who I am. I do not like that the teacher is also acting strange to your daughter. I would be very upset about that. maybe try and give her ideas on changing some of the ways she interacts with her friends without making her feel like anything is wrong with her. But also girls are cruel and 4th grade is when it gets bad so make sure to address the principal and make sure she is not being bullied. When you are too nice you are an easy target. My daughter is in 2nd grade. She is def a follower and very sweet and can be taken advantage of easily. She is good friends with all the girls but I see how they boss her around. My husband and I try and advise her to stand up for herself like if someone takes something of hers be firm and take it back. Her responce is I don't want them to be mad at me. So I know my little one is just too sweet and it makes me happy on one end and breaks my heart on another. I just do not know what I would do if she were being bullied. Make sure you talk to the principal. Hugs to your little one.

D., she sounds very needy -- she needs to get attention, which she does by buttiing into conversations, overwhelming play date guests by pullling out everything to show them, etc. While the neediness makes her annoying to others, it should be a red flag to you that she is not getting something, somewhere in her life. Kids who do what she does also tend to be insecure kids who crave, crave, crave freinds so badly that they drive other kids away without meaning to. Instead of focusing her "annoying behavior," look for why your child is needy.

First, play dates -- BEFORE the play date: Talk with her to set expectations. Don't scold or warn her off "being annoying" because she won't know what you really mean--but it'll still wound her and she will interpret as "MOM thinks I'm annoying." Talk on her level, not yours. Tell her things like, "Let's talk about when Jenny comes over in an hour. Let's plan what you and she will do. We'll get out two games and you can let her choose which to play." And so on. You want to stop her pulling out everything to show the other child, because that eats up the play date and they end up not really playing -- right? Give her maybe four choices, tell her to pick two games, and put them out. Direct the girls gently toward that activity.

In other words -- put some structure into her play dates for a while to come. Don't let her just whisk the other kid away to show the kid stuff endlessly or randomly chat. You won't have to do this forever but it sounds like she could use guidance during play dates just now, so that she and the other child have a specific activity to do rather than just being left to "free play" while she smothers the other child with her attention (in hopes of getting attention back). Check in on her and the other child frequently and if they are at loose ends, have a craft set up and ready for them to do starting right away.

If she is being bullied, have you reported it? Does the teacher know? Does the principal? Have you done anything about it? Why were other kids trying to get her off the bus -- just out of meanness? Is she made a scapegoat for other kids in other ways? You left out the bulllying until your SWH message, which seems a bit strange to me since that could be behind some of her clingy, needy behavior. Please be sure to deal with it and please write the school to ask that she not be in any classes with the bullies next year.

Is she in any activities outside school? If not -- she needs some. She needs to build her confidence so that she is not all over other kids; she needs to be in situations where she is directed by an adult, who is not you, to stop and not butt into a conversation, or to back off for a moment and let someone else take the lead. She also needs a chance to shine at something and be the center of attention for positive reasons, not because of her behavior. Look at getting her into a good, active Girl Scout troop where the leader will ensure that other girls interact with her kindly and don't leave her out of anything. Look at camps over the summer, or classes in something that truly interests her -- do you know what she would really enjoy most? If not - get to know that, and you may be surprised that she secretly would love to do more art, or join a kids' running club (there is an organization called Girls on the Run that focuses on positive body image for girls and is supportive and inclusive), and so on. She needs more interaction with other kids and with other adults in authority besides you and the teacher.

About the phone -- My daughter is older than yours and does not use the phone unless I tell her to. She and her peers (fifth grade) do not call each other except with permission and that is very rare. I would not give your girl access to the phone except to ask about classwork or to ask a child for a play date, and then you would take over the call to talk to the parent. Otherwise, no phone, and never after a play date. If she wants to call after a play date, distract her immediately.