Anger Issues? - Marysville,WA

I think it's just a 3 year old thing. I went through it with my daughter too. She is now an almost 9 year old sweetheart. But BOY was she a handful at 3! It was the hardest age!
Always be consistent and NEVER give in to a tantrum! My favorite thing to say was "No means no." I would say it calmly, no matter where we were, and would never give in. One time we were in Walmart, and she was throwing her fit for something, and a worker looked at me and said, "You're really not going to get that for her, are you?" I smiled and said "No means no." She said, "Good for you!"
It paid off in the end. She is a good girl for the most past now. And when she pushes it, she knows my consequences are sincere, and she listens!
Hang in there Mommie! Things will get better!

I personally think if your child has just recently begun to exhibit this type of violent/angry outbursts, something IS upsetting her. She may not be telling you, but something in her life is not happy. People don't just hit others, slam doors, scream, throw things when they are in a happy state of mind. I think you need to get to the bottom of this to find out what it is that she is feeling a lack of control of. Maybe there is something at her daycare that is upsetting her - maybe a worker there, or another child - I would do whatever I could to find out why this is happening. If it continues without you finding out I think maybe a family therapist could shed some light on this...

Oh boy.. My 3 year old has had a couple of tantrums like this and it's usually on days he doesn't take a nap. He just had an "episode" two days ago - Hit, kick, scream, grab, slam doors, throw things.. and the poor thing would try to lash out and ended up hurting himself (hitting a cabinet with his fist etc.) instead of the thing he intended to which only made him even more mad. Tell me to go away & leave him alone, but come after me when I try to walk away. Unfortunately I'm 8 months prego and cannot physically battle a raging 3 year old (when dad is not around) so I just try to put him in his room and walk away until he calms himself down. The poor things get tired and cranky and have so many feelings and emotions coming onto them that they don't know how to deal with it. It's important to remain calm and let them know its okay to be upset but its not okay to act out that way. My son eventually went into his room, slammed his door, cried for a couple minutes and came back out in search for me, (I was across the hall in the bathroom) he went down stairs and walked right out the door! I went down the stairs to see if he was ready to have a happy rest of the night and caught him walking in the end of the driveway with no shoes on crying and calling my name. In his little mind he thought when he told me to leave he really meant it! Goodness, I never felt so bad for the little guy! I had to grab him up and squeeze him and reasure him that I would never leave him alone and to never go leaving the house like that! He wanted to tell me he was sorry and we talked for a good while about our feelings and whats right and wrong, and how we were both sorry for upsetting the other in whatever ways we did. We ended up having a fantastic rest of the night after that. Our best conversations and learning experiences come during these tought times. Try to find a way to turn it into a positive. Parenting is tough!

Hi M.-

I have been working with toddlers and preschoolers for 16 years, and today I work with parents as a parent coach. I have studied child development & behavior for a long time, and I will say I do not think this is just a "3 year old thing".

When preschoolers start throwing fits, they do it for many things throughout the day, rarely over one thing at one time a day.

If she is throwing fits only at bed/nap time, I'd examine what happens at bed/nap time that could make her upset. Is she having bad dreams? Is she laying down too late, and is over tired.

One last thing to consider, especially if the fits are ONLY at bed time, is she being hurt at bed time. I do not wish to scare you, but I want to make sure you think about that alittle. It could be another child making her feel "bad" at school and she just doesn't know how to say something, but expresses her fear when it's time to sleep.

I hope this is a stage that passes!

R. Magby

This is a warning that something is wrong at daycare. Get a new daycare. The one you have may have a new worker or a child who is a bully.

Sounds to me like she gets that way when she is extremely tired, has the frustration and don't know how to let it out other than what she is doing. In times of her anger, I would hold her firmly, (even while she is screaming and kicking) and let her cry, while offering comforting words like "I know, I understand, it's going to be ok" and let her release that pent up anger without running about, being distracted and all, and that will calm her down, then you can give her a big hug and get her to bed. Because they are twins, see if your husband can do the same with your other child. They both being 3 seem to be distracting each other from sleep and it gets aggravating....poor baby!..Good luck on calming her down.

My daughter was like this but not her brothers. What I did was put her in her room, told her when she stopped she could come out (didn't matter if she heard me or not - I said it once) and closed the door. It took a while but she was not let out of her room until she settled down and said she was sorry. She received absolutely no emotion from me or cuddling or anything else. She just received "this is what is going to happen if this continues". Lock the door if you have to to stop her from slamming the door. Put her in her room with nothing but a bed and covers for her bed - no closet doors - no toys - nothing if you have to. Eventually she will understand that she gets nothing for doing this and it will stop.

N.

I taught preschool for many years, and nap times can be challenging. It is always possible that she is watching another child do this at school and get away with it, so she is trying it out, as well. At some preschools, the kids who don't nap get to get up and play after a short rest period. So it could be that she is hoping for a way out of sleeping, but is so overly tired at night that it comes out in these fits. Just a thought.

My daughter started similar behavior at 3.5 and it lasted until about 4.5. Gosh, I thought that year was never going to end. She didn't have any set times, but it would definitely happen more when she was tired.

I understand that they are trying out new behaviors to see what is okay and not okay. Definitely keep consistant and put her on a behavior chart for these episodes. If they are only at bedtime, then set up a bedtime routine chart and she gets stickers for completing the routine and for getting into bed without an outburst. After a certain amount of successful nights, a special reward. Consistancy is a key to get the behavior under control. Not that it always works. Like I said, we dealt with it for almost a year. I was at my wits end and now she is much better and another year has past and we are much happier about no naps. She still has her testing moments, but they are much calmer with just some threatening, a bit of screaming and pouting. I can deal with these....

When the worst came out, I saw some parallels with middle school aged kids. My daughter had been very mouthy at that phase and I swore she was a middle schooler in a preschooler body. I am a middle school teacher and was familiar with the hormonal outburst the girs, especially, would go through. Then I thought about my grandfather and his stubbornness when he was starting to go downhill. They were all parallel and it was all about independence.

Good luck to you,
D.

I hate to give you the ambiguous answer, but you are correct--it IS a three year old thing. My suggestion would be to give her context for her actions and a place to be alone, if possible. This might mean gating her into her room when she's screaming, redirecting her ("If you want to throw, we have balls for that"--use crumpled up paper balls if you don't have any soft ones suitable for indoors) . Hitting is not-negotiable: carry your son with you and, if possible, include her in the process of getting an ice pack--she can help hold doors open. OF COURSE--only if she's able to do this safely. If not, she's going to have to go to a safe place and cool down. If you are really stuck, consider using a portacrib.

Some people are going to have different advice, and that's fine. I haven't read any posts yet. I'd be very wary of spanking, however, because it only teaches children that hitting has power. I prefer to ask upset and angry children to tell me about their feelings and then try to help them solve their problem. Sometimes (not always) empathetic, reflective words (Wow, you are really upset! I can see that! or "I'd be mad too!" ) are helpful. What I would hold back on, however, is talking too much or trying to make the child see our sense of the situation/try to reason with them when they are angry. This is wasted breath on our end, because they are not at an age of reason developmentally (this comes around 5 or 6) and it's just likely to feed the fire.

It does go away. Usually on it's own, when we least expect it. I've seen this happen countless times, both as a nanny and preschool teacher. But while you are in this space, it's pretty discouraging. Keep on keeping your son safe, providing safe spaces for him to play, and keep with your bedtime routine. She needs to know that even when she feels out of balance and out of control, her parents are solid, predictable and consistent. Best to your family during one of the most trying times, the Year of Three.

My daughter is almost 4 and although she does not get scream, she had phases when she really tries to avoid going to bed. She cries and get upset and wants me to stay with her. She has been testing quite few times. As long as you stay consistent with their routine and do not give in on her demands she should start to understand that there is no point to continue. It looks to me she is testing where boundaries are with you and at daycare. Good luck - i can imagine it can be stressful.

It is not a three year old thing. She is trying to communicate something.
I would slow things down a bit , do some talk therapy ask some question of yourself if not her to think about what she might be trying to say or establish or communicate. We think we know what is going on, but we miss a lot of things that go on right under our noses. I wish you the best of luck. No matter what do not allow this behavior in your home. " I can see that your angry, you can _ or ___ or ____ when your angry but you may not ______ it is dangerous.
I still believe in not allowing this behavior and setting limits, but at the same time she needs to somehow communicate something, I wonder what?

Hi M.,

All upset is about fear, whether it's anger or pouting. The crux is that most fear in the human mind, at any agen is unconscious like the tip of an iceberg. Little ones simply feel the intensity of unconscious fear without understanding what's going on and they act out (or act-in...if the child is more drawn toward pouting and withdrawal when they are upset). With my nieces and nephews, I let them know in an age appropriate way that they are perfect and whole and that nothing they could ever say or do changes that in any way, and I do my best to observe what might help them feel safe in a triggered moment. You may even be able to see her beautiful heart-mind switching between believing the fear and when she's more inclined to trust your love and the love inside her in any given moment. I've been known to dance around a room with a lampshade on my head making up silly songs like "You are Fabulous! The lampshade is Fabulous!" Your brothers are fabulous!" Poopie is fabulous! Brushing our teeth is fabulous!" The things that have come out of my nieces and nephews when they trust Love over fear is incredible! Blessings with your little angel!

L.