And the Lamb Walks into the Lions Den...

When you walk in, make friends with the bouncer. Give him a heads up so he can keep an eye out or at least know whats happening if you need his assistance.

Find a seat opposite side of the room or in front of him. Not in view, not in mind.

If you go with a friend(s), go with a girl friend that he doesn't know and doesn't know the whole back info. If you are with someone he doesn't know, he'll be less likely to start something.

Take cash so that if you decide you need to leave you can without having to wait to get a card back.

You say "not going is not an option.." Actually it is, you are choosing to put yourself in what will most likely be an uncomfortable situation, for what could be quite a few people (friends of both of you, staff, innocent bystanders if something were to go wrong).
From the responses you've received you have a lot of support, must be a woman thing....
Sincerely though, be careful

ETA: On the flipside, be prepared for him to have his tongue rammed down some girls throat who is scantily clad and 10yr his junior. ;)

Okay, I'm not trying to be snarky, and I'm going to talk to you like you're a friend that wants an honest response...

I can think of 101 better ways to prove that you're over it, or that you're doing just great... and none of them involve a bar frequented by your soon to be ex. The fact that you insist on going to this place & refuse to change venues makes it seem like you are not over it & that are trying to prove how strong you are.

It sounds like you're looking for drama & I'm pretty sure you will get it. It sounds like a lot of childish game playing, if you ask me. When an already stressful relationship has alcohol added into the mix, forget about it...

I mean, really, you can't celebrate by having a spa day, or a girl's trip, or some other, more positive outlet? Can't you throw a "divorce" party or something? Anything is better than this idea.

Better yet, why not just move on, knowing you made the right decision, without all the extra b.s.?

Well, I think you might be looking at it all wrong.
You're a "lamb" walking into a "lions den"?
Hardly.
You're choosing to walk into a situation that, considering the other party, could prove unpredictable, possibly unsafe--depending on his condition.
I don't think you have anything to prove.
Your husband is an active addict and you have THREE children to consider. Why on EARTH would you consider this.
Just the fact that you "know" he's going to be there reeks of plotting and a set up.
This is your son's father. I assume you are seeing him when he sees his son, right?
R., you might not like this or want to hear this but I'm not going to sit here and tell you to look fierce and go prove anything to him.
If you truly had "nothing to prove" you wouldn't even consider going.
You got married not a year ago, share a 2 year old child with him and are separated without plans of reconciliation, right?
I see this as immature and tempting (bad) fate.
Seriously, you're the mother of 3 and we're discussing "knowing the bouncers"? Are we 20?
Richmond may be a small big city, but there's somewhere else just as fun to go, should you choose to....let's be honest.

I remember in High School showing up to an ex's function, trying to show her that I'm doing great and unaffected. Didn't turn out as I had imagined, and I didn't feel better about myself afterwards.

I remember in college doing the same. Didn't feel better afterwards.

I've HAD to do it in professional life, where it was unavoidable. I had no agenda other than getting through XYZ meeting. I made it through, and actually DID feel better b/c I realized after the fact that I held my sh!t together.

Please, on behalf of 'future R.' who wants to look back on a weekend with no drama, reconsider?

It sounds like unecessary stress. The exact opposite of getting some badly needed R&R. But, I'm sure you two will run into each other eventually in that small community. I can understand you wanting it to be on your terms.

SInce this is your Masochistic idea of fun, words of advice?

Give a cordial greeting to him and anyone with him. Then go to the opposite side of the bar and forget they exist. Don't look at him, talk to him, bump into him, engage him or his friends in any way. Be oblivious. Focus on you, your friends, the music. Don't look to see if he's looking at you. and DO NOT GET DRUNK!!! Emotions you don't even know you have can come gushing out in a drunken display if you let yourself get sauced.

Oh R....
I love live music, bars, dancing and hanging out and having a good time with the girls (and guys.) I REALLY do.
But seriously?
This sounds SO high school. I'm not trying to be a hater, it's just that if you really want to move on, then DO IT! Quit hanging out in the same old places with the same old people. I'm not saying to diss all your old friends, I'm just saying move forward, go new places, meet new people. That will REALLY prove how strong you are!
That band you want to see will be back some day, if they're any good :)

If this is a place that he frequents and you don't it will absolutely look like you are going there because of him. Thats what I would think-even if I were your friend. Actually, I kind of think that now from your post to tell you the truth. I can see no scenario where you come out of this looking good. If you want to do the "classy" thing, don't go.

The real way to prove to him and his group that you are actually OK is by ignoring them completely and moving on with your life.

You know, I'd just be concerned about the fact that you're a mom and you have young kids to think about. If you think there could be a scene and/or your ex may be dangerous to you in any way, and/or any of his friends could be dangerous to you in any way, WHY risk it? You're the only mother your children have! Who knows what could happen when there is alcohol involved? I know you say that not going is not an option, but it is an option. As hard as I look, I don't see what the upside is here? You don't have anything to prove - to yourself or to him. I was one of the people who thought this guy looked like trouble before you married him, and I'm raising the same concern now. Nothing good will come of this! Please reconsider. There are other bars and other bands. :(

Your ex is the lamb. Not you. You are the lion - hear me roar.

You don't need to roar. You just need to go in there with your head held high and to have a good time, just like you said.

This is like when you were dating someone before and happened to be at the same place with them, right? Be nice. Smile. Look good. Don't approach them. Not because you are afraid or intimidated, but because you don't care. they do not exist.

You are not the lamb. Be the lion (or lioness)

That doesn't sound like fun to me! I don't think you need to prove to yourself that you're strong by going to a bar where your newly-minted ex will be. I think that sounds like a whole lotta (avoidable) trouble. Just my opinion.

Are you going alone? If so, please consider bringing along a girlfriend or two.

I know from experience that: alcohol + emotions on high + immature people with an ax to grind and something to prove = a potentially troublesome situation.

Other than that, nothing gets under people's skin more than complete and total apathy. You're not mad, you're not sad, you just simply do not care. People just don't know what to do with themselves when you do that. If you're nice, they'll try to find a reason to upset you. If you're upset, they'll find a way to make it worse. If you don't give a damn what can they really do?

Just go, have your drinks, listen to your band, and ignore the fact that he's even there. If he comes up to you say, 'Oh hey! I forgot you were even gonna be here.' And keep it moving.

EDIT: OK. I'm sorry. My answer simply is not sitting right with me. Why do you have to prove to yourself or anyone, especially HIS group of friends? When you're truly over something, you're really over it. It wouldn't be a question in your mind, and you certainly wouldn't post about it because you couldn't care less one way or another. I'm not trying to be ugly, but is there any way you can rethink this? I'm sorry but this has BAD IDEA written all over it. I could see if you were going to something benign but you're going to a bar, with drinks, with something to prove (you and him), and an audience to boot.

Yeah, you're all are adults but he's already telling you not to go, and you've already said that you don't know how nice he'll play once he has a few drinks in him....girl, I wouldn't do it.

Have you considered there may be a reason he doesn't want you there? As in.....another woman. Are you sure you are prepared to walk into that? I'm not saying that *is* the reason, but you never know.

GL with whatever you decide to do. No matter how strong, how over him you are, how fabulous you feel this is not going to be easy.

You walk in there head, high and when (cause we all know they will say something) just nod your head and say "HI!".

Remember: You are the lioness not the lamb!

Are you going alone or are you going with some girlfriends?

I think you should go in and have a good time! Forget that he's there. If he approaches you - be nice. If anyone from his group approaches you, be nice. Yes, I know these people used to be your friends, so just say "hey" and let it go at that.

If Rob makes a stink - that's ON HIM..NOT YOU. You are there to have fun and a good time. It's NOT "his" town. And it's not "your" town. You can act like he's not there. Just don't dwell on him being there!

YOU CAN DO THIS!!!

Rule #1: Feel fabulous! Get a pedicure, soak in a bath, do whatever you like to do to relieve stress and pamper yourself a bit.

Rule #2: Look fabulous! Wear something that is objectively awesome on you, but do not wear new shoes or something too revealing. New shoes could lead to sore feet which is not fabulous and something too revealing looks like you're trying for the petty jealousy card.

Rule #3: Have fun! If you're not having fun, leave. Develop an exit strategy. Something somewhere else that you will do if this particular bar environment does not work out. If you find that you aren't genuinely smiling smiling so much your cheeks are sore, you can leave. Never feel like you have to stay any length of time to prove a point. There is something to say for getting there and discovering that it just isn't your scene anymore. Don't put any pressure on yourself. That's not fabulous. :-)

Have fun!

I feel how you are feeling right now, been there and done that. I would say from experience that I would not go and yes I would not go because he would be there.

It would all be to soon to hang out or be around the soon to be ex. Someone is sure to trigger someone. What if you see him trying to talk to a skank and I am sure it would be just to trigger you! How would you handle that?

When I was in the I am doing ok mode I disappeared until I was OK! & I had the ex and all the ex friends who used to be my friends looking for me and wondering what the heck I was doing and In comes my hubby because I was minding my business and WE began to be the talk of the town because no one knew our business and I suddenly had new business to tend to!!!!

I firmly believe for a person to really move on they have to literallly move on, I think that means deleting certain people who choose a side ect.....

The more you trigger each other the harder it will be to move on, even though I am praying you guys will work this thing out!!!!

ADDED: BUTTTTTTTTT If you go I am going to need you to look fierce from head to toe and be unfazed by nothing he does. I have a feeling if you go when he warned you not to he will try & trigger you. I really don't want you to go LOL!

Well he's the immature one.
You are not.
Just be yourself without seeming to be drawing attention to yourself.
Just pretend he is a "nobody" and just be normal.

I think, HE is the one that feels self-conscious and doesn't want you to see him.... being in his "bar" behavior and acting "stupid."
LOL

There is no point to prove.
Its a public place.
No one has dibs on it.

I am assuming you are going with your friends.
Just don't "act" at all like you know he is there.
So what, more like.

HE's the one... that will be watching you like a hawk maybe. Because HE is the insecure one.
Just ignore him and his group.
Just be classy about it all.

Again, there is no need to even notice him.
If you act like you do... then YOU will be the one that seems to have to prove a point. People can read the vibes of others.

Well, you know you're not going to win him or his group over. I'd keep a low profile since it's your first time being out in the same social setting as him. It'll get easier the more often it happens. It would get harder if there was some big argument or something. So if you want to keep going there, try to keep the peace...even if it means skipping out after a couple drinks, then going to a different bar. He can't control you, but he can make your life harder, so the better this first experience goes, the better the future ones will. Good luck and I hope you get to enjoy yourself :)

No other advice - just walk in with your head held high, do not "scan" the room looking for him and his group; just be yourself and have a good time!

You walk in there with your head held high and do R.! Don't let him think he has control over you, which I know you won't.

Look fabulous, feel fabulous, and be fabulous!

Consdiering you are all adults, there really should be no drama....but I know how the older guys can be ;).

Good luck!

I will assume that you are going with friends. I would not even pay attention to him. Just go and have a good time.

To say you are unaffected is not right. Let's face it breakups hurt. But we get right back up and go on living. Don't show him your pain or let him make you feel badly.

Hi, R.:

Why are you going there? You have spent so much time
talking about going there, are you trying to convince yourself that you
can handle seeing him.
Is there any possibility of going to
a mediator and patching up your relationship?
Just wondering about your denials.
Good luck.
D.

Good for you, go out and have fun:P

So he expects you to be miserable, and cry under the covers? I don’t think so…

PS>>>>make sure you dress "HOT" so he realizes what he is losing...

If you are determined to go, then go and don't worry about the ex. I loved Beth's suggestion of getting friendly with the bouncer it may come in handy.

If I were in your shoes I would just brush the dust off and keep it moving. I just believe in doing things bigger and better. So instead of going to some local place I would get out of town for an adult weekend away and seeing the bands I enjoy. I can't even begin to tell you how many frequent flyer miles I racked up in breakups. Miss the spontaneous travelling though but it did teach me I could litterally take on the world and win.

Kudos to you and your outting. YOU DEFINITELY ROCK.

I would just walk in looking AMAZING, smelling lovely and feeling great with a group of friends, males included if possible, and I would avoid him if possible so that he sees that your life does not revolve around him anymore. Don't do the whole "ha ha ha laugh" and then look at him cause he'll notice you just want to see if he noticed you make sence? I would just avoid any contact with him AND his group and just do your own thing :) good luck and I hope you have a great time.

Hopefully, you'll be going with a group of your really good friends. Strength in numbers, right? Try to avoid getting cornered alone by him or anyone in his posse.

I think if you have your best friends around you, it will be easier than going alone or with just one other friend.

I know you really want to be out and hear these bands, and I hope this works out for you. However, if your soon-to-be ex starts to get ugly, have a plan in place with your friends for a quick exit.

Good luck and hope you have a great night!

J. F.

Good luck to you. I get wanting to prove something to yourself. Just make sure that you aren't so busy proving that you forget to ignore him/them and have your own good time. I don't know your drinking habits, but here's a reminder not to drink too much, so you don't go too far and disappoint yourself.

You know your ex better than anyone on this site.
If you can have a good time, go for it.
If it's likely to break down into an out right knock down drag out brawl, it's not worth it.
Once he has a few drinks, how likely is he to air grievances (imagined or real) in public?
It could be embarrassing, even if it's just him making an a** of himself.
You'll see how it all turns out.
Hope it turns out well.