An Unexpected Baby

I'm probably going to get blasted, but here goes anyway...

You have a choice about whether to keep this baby. We still live in a country where abortion is legal, and you live in an area of the country where it's reasonably accessible. It doesn't matter what others think or what others would do, it is an option open to you.

If you want to have this baby, you will find a way to make it work. I know that right now it might not seem like it, but you will. I believe that your head can know that this is a "mistake" but your heart can love this child anyway, and that's what matters. Work on getting on the same page as your husband, remembering that he's scared and overwhelmed too.

Finally, forget the judgement from your families (easier said than done, I know). But if they don't have anything helpful to say, then tell them that you'd rather that they not say anything at all.

Best of luck to you.

This has got to be hard on you. Take it from an old Momma, it will all work out. What your MIL doesn't understand is that the babies are the treasure and the money is no guarantee. Money can be there one day and gone the next so there is no use in making your whole life about chasing it. My MIL used to say very unkind words after we had three. She didn't get better even after the 4th and 5th children died. I didn't feel the need to even tell her that I was pregnant with the sixth baby. I didn't want to deal with the stress so I put off telling my husbands entire family until 2 months before I was due. Children are your wealth and you can't buy anything that will teach them life's lessons like a sibling. The best thing I did for my children is to have more children. Financially things get rocky and we do the best we can. It all usually works out in the end. I will say a prayer that your husband finds work soon.

It is what it is. You have every right to be concerned and your husband's reaction, while not kind, is pretty understandable.

You can work, but you will need to either pay for childcare or your husband will need to watch the kiddos and work his class schedule around your work schedule. Right now, "successful" should not be your focus... focus on developing a realistic budget and figuring out how much income you need to make ends meet. Don't incur more debt and keep Christmas small this year. Reign it in further and start applying for jobs now!

Your families will give you a hard time b/c they realize how much strain you are under and they will not believe that it was an "accident" (although I do b/c I have several cousins who were not planned). Grit your teeth and just hear them out... then ask for help if you need it.

This is not the time for your husband to be in school- he needs to take on a job, even if it's part time. Plan as much as you can and squirrel away money where you can. Rent a house that isn't more than you need and remember that moving out-of-state could mean the loss of your support network (even judgmental grandparents will help in a pinch).

I would also speak with your OBGYN about having your tubes tied if you are finished having children or have your husband have a vasectomy. You are obviously very fertile and you may end-up with #4 (unless you want more children).

Poor you! I totally feel your pain!!! I am 34 weeks pregnant with a unexpected #4. I found out on my 40th birthday and my husband and I shook for 2 weeks at the thought of another baby to feed. We are in financial dire straights and having severe difficulty paying for insurance, living, food, etc. Very scary!

What it has come down to is, I have always been of the belief that babies are not accidents. YES! We used birth control with a back up even. YES! We cannot afford this baby to save our lives. YES! It is still a blessing. It will work out for us and it will work out for you. Do not let someone like your crazy MIL or your husband make you feel bad about this. This is a human being that is supposed to be here, let it be. I like your idea of getting out of town, maybe some distance will help you keep the naggy MIL out of your life a bit. = )

Good luck and don't worry. Kids really are a blessing, you will come to grips with it and all will be fine, even in your marriage.

Well, this may be an unconventional answer, but depending on your educational background and experience -would it be possible to get a job now? I mean now before you have to tell anyone you're pregnant or would possibly know yourself? It DOES sound like maybe you need to have a job. Staying at home can be wonderful for the children, but if your husband is laid off and you're having financial difficulty, it's not a bad thing to do! If you're already several months along and/or showing -it's a pretty mute point unless you just try to get a seasonal job for the holidays. Even though it's illegal in some ways, it's extremely difficult to get hired when obviously pregnant because they know you're going to be out for at least 4-6 weeks.

So -birth control fails every day. If your MIL says anything, make sure you calmly look at her and ask her to google it. There is nothing short of a hysterectomy that COMPLETELY guarantees you'll never get pregnant. Even vasectomies, essure, tubals, etc., have between a 95 and 99% effectiveness rating -so sometimes something slips through! All you can do is tell your family that a baby is coming. The baby can't help it and all of you can try to be happy and enjoy the baby OR you can all be miserable and ugly and let the child feel that from the get-go. People who refuse to accept the unchangeable can also be put at a distance from your life.

As far as your husband -this is unfortunately a classic attitude when the frustration of finances, unemployment, etc. creep in. It's very hard for men who have never stayed at home to fully understand what a demanding job it IS to stay at home -and a thankless one. I would make sure since he's laid off that he's getting PLENTY of days -entire days -of caring for the kids on his own so he'll truly know what it's like.

As your pregnancy progresses, you will probably start to feel more joy and excitement even though you're in a stressful situation. If you don't, there's nothing wrong with talking about it to someone -your doctor -asking for a referral, your priest or preacher, a support group -etc. There are a number of free options out there. It would help your stress level to just talk to some people regularly and get those feelings out. You might even find a support group for people currently experiencing financial difficulty -that IS you!

Also -sit down with your husband and chart a REAL and realistic plan for the next year. Now that a new baby will be part of it, figure out what you BOTH need to do job-wise. If you go back to work, will you command enough to cover daycare expenses for 3 kids? When can your 4 year old enter a free PreK or kindergarten? How much is decent daycare/preschool in your area? A lot of this may show that it makes no sense for you to go back to work -or at least for one of you to stay home. Who has the best chance at getting the highest paying job? If it's YOU -then you go back and he can be the stay at home parent. Right now, you should get the house, financial picture and job situation back on track before anyone goes back to school.

Hopefully you still have some baby gear from the other two. The biggest expenses with infants are diapers and formula if you use it. You can get WIC for that if you need it to tide you over. If you need new baby gear -start looking on Craigslist and at Goodwill and Salvation Army centers. Go to garage sales. You can get TONS of great deals that way!

Part of your plan may include needing to rent a house or apartment for a bit until the finances pick up. You'll be able to find a rental easier than a home to buy with all the mortgage issues, etc. right now.

Make sure that part of your yearly plan includes a more permanent form of birth control after this baby arrives. He can get a vasectomy far more cheaply and easily than you can get a tubal or essure. If that's not a possibility, as soon as your post-partum is over, get a copper IUD. It's good for years and works immediately and very effectively.

Good luck!

***And I totally agree with Jane M. I used to escort at an abortion clinic, and many MANY women who came were just like you -not wild teenagers or 20-somethings who just wanted to party and have casual sex -they were women with families in horrible financial situations who felt way too stressed to deal with another child. It's the most personal decision a person can make, but thankfully in this nation we still CAN make it!

The truth is, it really is ok. It's not what anyone wanted, but I can imagine that day where you look at your newborn and think about the unexpected miracle that entered your life and how they will fulfill you in so many ways. You will be a party of 5, and things will be ok again.

As for your mother in law, you dont have to tell anyone it was a oops. You got pregnant because you love children. Embrace this "accident" and think positively.

I "waited" so long to have my 3rd that I ended up unable to have a third (without major medical intervention which I'm not willing to do at my age - 40). It is one of the biggest regrets of my life. There is only one season of your life that you are physically able to bear children. As another mom said, money comes and goes but your family is forever.

Probably what is bothering you the most is your husband's fear and lack of support. It's hard to feel like you let your husband down. The thing is - he probably feels that way too. You guys really need to pull together at this moment (easier said than done I know). Everybody will have comments, but you guys need to be the king and queen of your universe. Whatever you say - that's what is done. Ignore everything else (except God's voice of course, if you are religious).

Good luck and I'm praying for you guys (envious of you too :)).

My first suggestion is to breathe. It is so hard when we are in the middle of what seems like a mess, to step back and take one thing at a time. Okay, you are pregnant - it is not anyone's "fault". When we are stressed we may say things we don't mean out of fear or anger or frustration; theres a problem with that because we can't take the words back. However, you and your husband love each other and love your other kids. You have a little less than nine months to sort things out and make a plan.
I encourage you not to receive the judgement from "naysayers" within or outside the family. This is your little family and you get to choose how you will live it with your husband. As long as you are not complaining and whining about things to the people judging you, I would let it go. So many folks are quick to offer an opinion without being asked......thats not helpful.
Babies need very little financially, esp third babies as so much can be passed down. Plus you have the blessing of being an experienced mom so things like nursing and sleeplessness will not be new to you and you may be able to "go with the flow" easier rather than worry about every little detail about the new baby.
You will have to figure out what you need to do financially and then you will need to do it. I don't know what that will look like. Can you go to work now for these months before the baby and stockpile whatever $$ you can? And then shift to part time after the baby? Can your husband go to school and also hold down a part time job? He could get in one or two semesters before the baby comes.
Need is a very good motivator. I encourage you to take one step at a time. And love your husband through this. The only way you can do this is together. Become a united front, working together on the financial issues and the plan to become solvent. Trust each other with that first love you used to have. Communicate. Show each other how much you care for one another with little acts of kindness.
You can do it. Who knows baby # 3 may be the icing on the cake for your family. Do what you can do and let God do what you can't.

Try to relax and wait a while before telling family. You don't have to tell anyone right away. I am sure people thought we were nuts when we had our first two (I was in graduate school with the first, the second was about 20 months later and I still wasn't finished), but they were both planned and wanted. We knew we didn't need "a lot" for them or us to be okay. I was out of work for a while when I was pregnant with my first and was actively seeking employment at 5 months pregnant, so it can be scary but is not impossible to go back to work. I was actually about 9 weeks pregnant when I started my current job as well. We are now expecting our third (again, on purpose for us) and my husband is only working a little more than half-time while he finishes school.

Ignore negative comments, especially about "accidents." Your mother-in-law clearly has no idea how women's bodies OR birth control work because there is only ONE 100% effective way not to get pregnant, and most married people are not practicing it.

It is okay to be upset, scared, or overwhelmed for a little while. I have friends who had their third unexpectedly last year when she was trying to stay home and substitute teach part-time while her husband tried to keep jobs (they are musicians and are trying to give it "one last shot"). They were terrified and are struggling, but they have friends and family and cannot imagine not having their little surprise in their lives.

Once you and your husband have calmed down a bit try to think about how awesome it is going to be for your other two children to have another sibling at home. My 4 year old is talking about the new baby all the time--how he can share his toys when he's older, how he can sleep in their bedroom when he outgrows the crib, what we are planning on naming him if he is a boy (he certainly looked like another one), etc. Children think they are getting a new live-in best friend. Even my 2 year old (almost 2 1/2) likes to kiss my belly and try to talk to his brother through my belly button. You will be okay. Your family will be okay. Do not tell people before you are ready and if anyone tries to criticize you, do not even bother to argue with them.

*hugs*

because it was an oops you are going to readjust your thinging, it is ok that you are thinking about the bad but that will pass and you will be excited at one point and it probably won't take all the way until the birth to become happy that a new one is on the way.....when I got pregnant with my second while trying to prevent it I went through many of the same thoughts and even (for about 5 seconds) considered abortion or adoption........like I said your mind just needs time to adjust to the new reality, you can still go back to work and your hubby can do the school thing, no it won't be easy but nothing worthwhile ever is.......your MIL needs a reality check I could't tell you how many women I have talked to over the years that have gotten pregnant while trying to prevent one, yes there are plenty of bc options but NONE of them are 100% (even tubals and vasecctomys have had children afterwards, rare but it happens)......try not to stay too mad at your hubby, he said what he did out of stress.......sit down and have a talk (once you both get out of the "deer in headlights" stage) and figure things out together......good luck and enjoy

I had a scare last month, I also have 2 kids, no money and had just started back to school. My period was 2 months late, and I was positive I was pregnant - luckily for me I was not.
But during the time I thought I was, I thought, Well I am going to stick to my plans - I am going to keep on with my school, I am doing it online anyway, so I will just take a short birth break and dive right back into it.
there are so many courses online at your community college, from credit, to full degrees - my community college even has childcare for 6 buck an hour.
Never think your choices are taken from you because of a baby - your family will help you, and colleges these days are more geared for mothers.
unless you perform abstinence, there is a chance you may get pregnant, even tubal ligation has a failure rate, MIL's can be so stupid.
Right now we are living in a 2 bed 800 sq ft trailer - a 40 year old shabby one, because our income is very low, we drive old cars - it doesn't matter where you live, as long as it is clean - my girl and boy shore a bedroom, they don't mind a bit.
GOOD LUCK!!!

Baby's dont accidentally happen and this one is meant to be. It sounds crazy right now but you guys will make it through it. Get on some lists for low income housing to get you through until school is over and jobs are found. Having the 3rd child might just be the shot in the arm you and hubby need to get your life back on track, for the sake of your children?
Congrats on your new blessing ;)

I want to just give you a word of encouragement...don't let the busybodies and naysayers upset you...you can't help what they say but you CAN help how it effects you. When your MIL or other family member starts in on you just smile sweetly, nod you head and let whatever they are saying roll of you , like water off a ducks back!!!
You and your husband need to sit down together and decide what is best for YOUR family!! Can you go back to work until the baby is born? Maybe you could be lucky enough to find a job that would work around the hours that your husband is in class and that way you wouldnt have to pay for child care!!! ( A grocery store or other retail store is my first thought...they usually can be pretty flexible with hours).
As someone else has said....apply for low income housing...find a place to live that is within your price range. If you need to move to another area...maybe that would be a blessing as it would get you away from all of the negative people that seem to be around you right now.
I do not believe that ANY child is a "mistake"...our youngest child was "an unplanned blessing" and she has turned out to be the joy and love of our lives...I wouldnt trade her for a millon dollars!!! Each of your children deserves to feel loved and treasured...you inlaws may not agree with the size of your family but they need to learn to keep their opinions to themselves and just be good parents and grandparents.
I am sorry that you are going through this rough patch right now but if you and your husband will just turn to each other and concentrate on making a strong bond between the two of you...the rest of it will start to fall into place!!
God Bless You

Hi, I just want to say that its going to be ok. You may not know what to do right now, and thats ok. Let yourself settle in with the news before you tell anyone. Take good care of yourself. Its one day at a time and don't worry about how others will react--- babies are a blessing- There is no real convienient time to have a baby-there will always be things that come up that could be an excuse not to have one. Take your blessing and get excited. You are up for an adventure and God has given you a great gift!. Every thing is going to be ok. M

Hang in there. I can imagine you are completely freaked out, so is your husband. He verbalized his frustration. I know it sounds horrible for pregnant women to say what they are really thinking about Oops, pregnancies.. but you can at least admit it to yourself.. Many moms have been through this and it is ok, to not be totally thrilled.. You are human.

This is one of those times in your marriage, where things are not going well for you guys. It seems impossible, especially when you do not feel like you can count on each other, but you must reach out to each other and allow each other to express your fears, disappointments and then make a plan to get out of all of this.

Your husband lost his job, so he needs to take on whatever type of jobs he can get.You can still take in a child to care for during the days while moms go shopping.. Or if there is a parent that is working extra hours, maybe you could pick up their child or children from day care, feed them and bathe them till their parents can pick them up.. Or offer to take the kids to their homes and help get their homework completed, allow them to play , eat and baths.. Your husband can care for your children at home.

I used to prepare meals for a family so that when they got home late, their dinner was ready.I still feed pets and watch peoples homes when they are away on business trips and holidays.. Bring in the papers, the mail, meet up with their service people etc.. The money adds up..

This is also the time of year that I decorate peoples homes for the holidays.. Set up trees, decorate or at least help them decorate their homes.. My husband even helps on the weekends.. We started this almost 10 years ago and Craigslist is where we found many of our first clients..

Think of services you can offer.. You are in Calif.. and people are willing to pay people to run and do their errands.. Think of the things you and your husband can offer..

You can and will survive this, you just need to be able to be honest with each other. Think back on why you married each other in the first place. It helps to rekindle those feelings. The more adversity you two survive, the stronger your love for each other will become..

Ask your husband to speak with his mother about her disrespect for you. He needs to explain that he will not permit her to bully you any longer.. I do think the suggestion of you having your tubes tied is a great idea.. remember your husband could have always had a vasectomy at any time..

Wow, I almost could have written that. I too got pregnant for the 3rd time while my first were nearly 4 and 2. My husband accused me, ahem, takes two to tango. I had just found out I had one more year before getting my B.A. so I was going to school and working full time. It was the first time I wasn't excited to be pregnant. I still feel guilty about that. Well, it's amazing how God works. Things have a way of working out. Keep your chin up, remember a baby is a blessing and this one will be too. My heart goes out to you. Once that baby arrives you will wonder how you ever survived without him/her.

I am pregnant with my unexpected 3rd baby. I am 4 months, and since I said I would never have another, sometimes its still hard for me to believe I am pregnant. I am excited but still get really nervous about it sometimes. Fortunately my husband hasnt been laid off yet, but its threathened every week. Your husbands response was a little harsh, but I think it is just stress. And your inlaws sound like a nightmare. It is no ones business how many children you want or are going to have. Its your God given right and they need to shut their mouths. Let them know, if they feel that way, there is no need to them to come around the children. As long as you and your husband can stick to together and raise your children lovingly, thats all you need. I told my husband I could care less about our material things, we can cut back and get rid of the unnecessary things in life and as long as we have each other and our kids, we will have a great life together. You are going to love this baby and not know how you lived without him/her when it gets here. Congrats!!

I'm sorry this is bringing you sadness and anxiety. I hope this baby isn't treated with resentment or blamed for the family finances by your extended family.

Adoption is a consideration. With open adoption, you could still know the baby and have a relationship with it/the adopting couple. I have a friend who recently adopted a surprise baby from a couple with 2 other children. Their adoption seems like the best of all possible outcomes for everyone involved.

I have 2 unexpected births chin up and dont worry tell her to kiss off

While my 2nd was 10 months old, the busiest child I've ever seen, I got pregnant unexpectedly with #3. The emotions were overwhelming to say the least. No health insurance, new struggling business, small old house, it sucked. But I resigned myself that I was not going to let family, friends or situations take away from this little blessing anyway. She is now 5 and we lived through it (even got twins AFTER her), and she is such an amazing child I cannot imagine my life without her (or any of them). While it is hard right now, that child is worth all you are facing emotion-wise and the family who will say nasty things. (Now I think "how awful you felt that way!!" But I've forgiven, they are scared for you, they are not against you.) Know you will get through it and be better off.

Take care
D.

I feel for you. my son was unexpected and the month he was due was the month my husband and I were planning on getting married, and we didnt know how we were going to pay for a wedding (which we ended up having at the court house) let alone a baby. I was bulimic and wasnt getting a period and we were using condoms but I STILL got pregnant! I know its a hard decision to make but maybe you could give the baby to someone who has been trying and cant have one? my husband took on a second job to support me and my son (child care for me to go back to work would cost almost what I would make plus we only have one car and live in the middle of nowhere so there is no public transportation, so I have to be a stay at home mom till my son is in preschool) is that an option for your husband...good luck with whatever happens

im in the same boat so its nice to know im not the only one and everybodys anwsers are helping me and hopefully my bf:)