Am I the Problem Maker?

Your mind seems pretty made up based on the last six words of your post. I'll try to keep this brief. Men hate getting nagged, love attention, and don't always do what we want how we want. Husbands don't need or want you to look like, sound like or act like their momma as a matter of fact they hate that. Truth is the only person you can change is you. I would strongly suggest you work really hard on you. Stop focusing on him and what he doesn't do. I know you are feeling alot of negative emotions and really want a turn around in your marriage and with your husband that change you are looking for begins with you. Try using the suggestions from the Movie Fireproof and the book LoveDare for a great solid start. It will take you on a 40 day journey. Put your hand to the plow and keep it their until you get through to the end. You will see a change in you which may cause a change in him or not but it is definitely worth the journey. I wish you well and tremendous blessings. Get rid of that counselor, get another or just work on you and your own self esteem and see how that changes the nature and outcome of your marriage.

I'm trying to figure out why you haven't divorced this controlling, abusive, manipulative child. Is there something so great about him that makes you want to work this out with him? Because, with all of that, I'd just leave. I'm sorry to be so blunt, I hope you find strength and clarity soon, no matter what your decision is.

I think you're placing to much emphasis on "who" is at fault. It takes two people to have a great marriage and it takes two people to have a crappy marriage. I'm sure you both have good points and bad points. Truthfully, your post sounds very immature. Not sure how old you both are but there are now children involved and you owe it to ALL of them to rebuild your marriage. Maybe if you can stop trying to place blame, the counselor can help you out more. Good luck.

Sounds to me that hubs likes the thrill of the chase but once you are caught the thrill is gone. Sort of like a shopping addict, they buy the one thing they lust for and the second it in the closet the lust is gone. Your post was so long I'm not sure I got everything but I will say this. There were red flags everywhere, before, you got married. You saw them you felt them and that's why you didn't immediatly move in with hubs. Something made you change your mind. Do you remember what that was? Can you start from there and see what it was you loved about him that made you over look his ways of holding you down, i.e no friends, or personal life outside of him? If you can't pin point why the change of heart then you have 2 options. Go out and get an unbaised counselor, one that sees both sides of the marriage. If that is not doable for whatever reason then you need to seriously think is this how you want your life to be and if not you need to plan your exit. I don't tell many posters to leave their hubs, I tell them to dump boyfriends but I hold off on the hubs thinking it is a commitment that gets uglier when you split. But I can't see any positive reasons for you two to be together. He has no respect or interest in you or your well being and you can't seem to be yourself while in this marriage. I wish you luck and no matter what the outcome you need to stay strong because no matter the choice it's going to be difficult.

He's sounds like a very difficult person. I don't entirely understand -- do you have a baby with him? Or do you have a child from another man?

If you have a child with him, then I suggest you try the suggestions of the posts below (Marci and Jamie), just in case changing yourself can help change the situation.

However, there's a good chance that might not work, and then I don't know what to tell you, because I always believe in trying to stay with the father of your child if there is any possible way to do it.

I'm on your side though -- I know I wouldn't want to be married to a man like your husband. Good luck with him - it's not going to be easy.

Get a different counselor! The point of counseling is not to "side" with anyone.....it's to get you to work together!
The women who said that all she heard from your post was "nag,nag,nag" needs to go back and read about how controlling your husband is to you, and how he lied during the counseling session to a biased counselor.
I think nagging is detrimental, yes, but your husband has the ability to control his actions and that is not happening.

BOTH of you need to stop playing the blame game. Get a new counselor, who will hear you both, not just try to get one party to knuckle under and concede.
Good luck to you!

I'm stunned that you ever married him to begin with. I would suggest a divorce. He has the makings of an abusive stalker with the control freak stuff. You also don't need to see a counselor you don't like. Your opinion DOES count you know! I would leave him so fast he wouldn't know what hit him, and he could chat on Myspace all day if he wanted. Get a backbone and go live your own life. See a counselor YOU like personally to work on self esteem issues and don't put up with this type of thing from anyone!

So glad you are checking in with Mamas!!, but another place to check in is in a quiet, balance, neutral place in yourself. Take yourself if you can out of all the drama, the frustration, the confusion, doubt, and fear. No one, not even a therapist (who really shouldn't be siding with either), can know the right answer for you. Perhaps ask yourself what it is you really want. It becomes very fundamental usually. Do you have that? Can you get it? Are you and can you be 'met' in this relationship? And perhaps ask him what it is he really wants? What does he feel is missing for him that he has to go getting validation outside the marriage. And that's NOT necessarily anything to do with you. It's likely to be something deeper in himself that only he can find the answer to. - Good luck S.. Stay in your heart and you'll always have the very best answers to all your questions. Let us know how it goes!

Honey, you are trapped in the "blame game trap".
I don't think it's intentional at all, but lets face it, you want to be told that you are right that this counselor and your husband are wrong. Will that really make you feel better? Your problems will still be your problems.
I mean no offense by that whatsoever, I really don't!
Just having someone to take the blame doesn't fix anything.
My ex husband was a blamer.
14 years later, he still is.
It could be something as trivial as him actually having to take a stick of margarine out of the refrigerator....it HAD to be someone's fault! Mine, one of the kids, didn't matter. In the scheme of things, a stick of butter is nothing, but he could turn it into a huge ordeal. Someone was going to take the blame for it. Someone was going to take the blame if he couldn't get his own tie straight.
Being able to blame someone doesn't fix the underlying problems, is all I'm trying to say.
I have good friends who went to marriage counseling. The wife was fine and happy when the husband was being told he maybe wasn't sensitive enough or barked too harshly without thinking. But, when the counselor began to focus on her behavior and her nagging and over controlling, she was done with counseling and cancelled the sessions.
She didn't want to hear both sides. She wanted to hear that she was right and she wanted her husband to be told that.
If you REALLY think this counselor is one sided after giving enough time for both sides to be addressed, find a different counselor. There are LOTS of them out there. But please, for the sake of your marriage, if you want to save it, don't go into counseling as a means to be told that you are the only one who is right. You have a right to have your feelings validated, that's a given. Validation is definitely part of counseling. But, validation is not the same as assigning blame.
If your husband can't or won't change and you need out of this marriage, who's fault it is won't change a single thing. You will have the tasks at hand to deal with.
That's all I'm saying.

I really wish you the best. I left a crappy, abusive husband so I know it's not an easy choice. Spend your emotional energy where it will do you the most good.

You wrote: "Please help me to see if i'm truly the person at fault....which i dont believe i am"

You know, I think its important that you wipe the slate clean. You and him have to go into counseling with an open mind. Otherwise, it won't work. It doesn't sound like you have let go of the things that offended you in the past. It sounds like you keep trying to focus on his past actions and place blame... Darling, let go of the specifics. You have bigger issues to focus on.

1.) You don't trust him to be faithful, period. It sounds like, at some point, he lost trust for you also, which maybe why he tried to control whom you have access to and what you did on your down time... IDK. That he is or was involved in chat sites and reflected himself as single--honestly, I don't think that matters anymore. You're now in counseling; you should be focusing on talking about reasons your relationship doesn't have trust instead of getting him to admit blame or to apologize for past grievances.

2.) Your intimacy is unfulfilling. While he is physically involved in his enjoyment of sex, he is not emotionally involved in having sex with you... which is why he doesn't have an interest in pleasing you. He's not a man who is in love; he's just going through the motions. Again, what is it that caused his behavior? There is something at the root of this... You need him to be comfortable enough to admit it to you--and most importantly, not be offended by whatever he says it is. It doesn't sound like he trusts you to not be offended at what he says. The dirty pictures, chatting with other women, needing positive female attention online--all of that are substitutes for an actual intimate relationship. And while he needs that, he is also keeping you at arms length--Why? Something happened within your relationship, something offended him or your behavior has alienated him... You and him and the counselor need to figure what caused it. But this is not about blame or assigning someone to be at fault... This is about building communication and trust.

3.) He is not emotionally bonded to the 'family unit'. Again, this probably is something rooted in why he keeps you at arms length. If you want him to be more of a father, then you need to figure out why he already has one foot out the exit door.

So, my advice: You need to go into your counseling session with an open mind. Don't go into it ready to fight. Don't go into it looking for validation. Don't dwell on the past. Figure out what your relationship issues are and tackle the big mountains.

I think you both should get marriage counseling. If he won't go, you can go without him. I'd do whatever it takes to make it work before you call it quits. Maybe you can focus on how you can change to be a better wife. Communicate your feelings with him with kindness, even if he blames you. Listen to him when he shares with you, really listen. Good luck!