Am I Making Parenting Too Hard? I Don't Know What I Am Doing.

As my Grandmother would say "They aren't dead yet, so you must be doing something right!". Relax don't sweat it. Keep up the good work!

STOP READING NOW AND PUT THE BOOKS DOWN!

A book can't tell you that the door has to be open at least 4 inches, to let light in, at bedtime.

A book can't tell you that orange soda is a perfectly fine substitute when you run out of OJ or that if you can't find "rub-a-dub-doggie" there will be no bath.

A book can't tell you that when your child only wants food that is purple it's ok to give them grapes and jelly beans and grape soda for three days.

A book also won't tell you that your child's blanket could possibly be the most important thing in their life for the next year or that the most fun you'll ever have together is if you put on galoshes and hunt down the biggest, sometimes muddiest, puddle after a storm, and end up with galoshes full of water.

The only person who can tell you how to raise your children is you. You and your husband are the only ones that know your children that well. Sometimes you're even going to have to tell the doctor he's an idiot, because believe me, sometimes they treat us parents like WE are.

Stop doubting yourself - if your children are 4 and 5 years old, happy and healthy then you're doing just fine already.

C. -

First off in my opinion, shut off the internet research and burn the books. Everyone has their idea of how every child should be raised and guess what, no two children are the same. There is not one right way. My best suggestion is go from the gut, what do you want them to learn to help them be better people as they get older? Little steps at a time picking the most important first. Then, don't worry what other people are doing or are thinking. As far as I am concerned my kids at that age wouldn't be going to the bathroom alone in public either. I still watch the bathroom door when my 11 year old stepson goes to the bathroom because there are a lot of wierdos out there and that is just life. Take the time to enjoy your children, they are only young once and when they are older do you want them to remember that mom always researched everything before doing it or do you want them to remember the good times that you had and the lessons they learned? I don't believe that parenting comes natural to everyone and that is why there are messaging boards out there such as mamasource and the parenting magazines but unless you totally neglect your kids, I don't think you can screw them up. Enjoy them, enjoy the time you have with them, and trust in yourself!

Hi C.!
I think you are being VERY hard on yourself! The people who think that they have awesome parenting skills are often the most DENSE!
Per the bathroom issue...I don't let my 5 year old use the bathroom by himself. Not only are there weirdos out there but people have HORRIBLE bathroom hygiene and I cringe to think of my child sitting in someone else's urine or excrement. So, be as germaphobic as you want!
I totally agree with the first poster....throw the books away and abandon the internet. Your kids would just LOVE for you to play with them! Spend time using your imagination, pretending, building, hiking outdoors, and jumping in puddles! We (including myself) overthink parenting so much and often get guilted by other parents into thinking we are not doing enough to further our child's intelligence, social skills, etc.
My advice is to take one day at a time and enjoy the learning experience. Stop worrying about what will damage your kids. Half of the experts out there are not experts at all.
SIMPLIFY! And know that you are most likely doing a better job than you think. Every parent feels like a failure sometimes and the ones that think they don't fail are only lying to themselves.
***Keep up the good work with the public bathrooms! Learning to protect yourself from germs is a valuable asset and you are helping your kids stay healthy!

Parenting is the only job that you never know if you are doing well until it's all over. I have 4 children and 3 grandchildren and even though I love children I never knew if I was doing the right thing and since none of them has become a serial killer I guess I did okay.
Don't stress out so much. I wouldn't let my child at 4-5 use a public bathroom alone not so much because of the germs but because of child predators. And don't be a germaphobe kids need a certain amount of germs to stay healthy; it gives the immune system something to do. Do the stuff with your kids that seem to enjoy and you can ask them. Let them explore who they are and help them be just that. You can let them experiment with activities baseball, football, ice skating music etc and encourage them to follow their hearts. Love them and tell them they are wonderful-beautiful-talented on a regular basis. Listen when they have concerns and always be the go to person for them. If they struggle with a teacher, neighbor, cousin find out what's going on and let them know that you believe them even if their story seems unbelieveable.
But most of all relax and love them.

Relax and enjoy your job as a parent!!! Being is parent if a hard job; but you can't really screw-up you kids being as thoughful and deditecated as you are will all your reserach and reading. I doc once told me to take everything you see, read and hear with a large grain of salt!!! You are the mom and you do truly know what is best for your children! Trust yourself and let your hair down and love your girls! I'm sure you are a outstanding mom and they love you very much. Society and company put alot of pressure on parents these days especially working moms. The book "Einstien didn't use flashcards" is a great book that talks about the marketing pressures that are put on parents and I really like the whole thought process of the book; it is a quick and good read.

Relax and love those girls; I'm sure you are doing a great job!!!

C.-

I had to respond because I was moved by the honesty of your email. I know that by putting this out there you are going to be helping many other moms who either feel like you do much of the time, or at least once in awhile. First, that old advice of "instinct will take over" is not accurate. This idea assumes that the mother had a warm, rich and loving personal experience that she can fall back on to guide her when it is her turn. It also assumes that parenting stays relatively static. This just isn't our parenting world and a quick look back a couple of generations highlights how much has changed, even if a person was blessed to have fantastic examples to follow. Second, I totally agree with the quote from the doctor. Too much information is very anxiety provoking, because MOST of what is out there in the how to world is simply someone's opinion based on personal experience, religious faith, theory, etc. While I value and love the company of women, I think that when you are feeling anxious, sometimes the strong opinions of others, the "you should do this" stuff, or judgment, worsens the feelings of isolation or failure. Please start by knowing that there is nothing wrong with you and that with an absence of being able to fall back on experience, you are seeking information, which is practical! The problem is that there is too much to sort through! So, here is my suggestion other than to first not believe that the problem lies within. In fact, I can tell from your email how much you love and care about your children from the sheer amount you are thinking about this. I believe (again this is my opinion, professionally and personally based) that the place to start and the ultimate place that really matters is the process and quality of the relationship between parent and child. What I mean by this is that there are resources available that can help you work on building the relationship process (e.g., attachment parenting (Sears and Sears), raising an emotionally intelligent child (John Gottman), The Optimistic Child (Seligman)VERSUS trying to find specific how to do it right solutions to every issue that comes up in parenting over time (I think that's the crazy making stuff). You can hire a parenting coach or if that is too expensive read the above mentioned books or check out classes offered at hospitals, continued ed, or even auditing classes at tech colleges or universities. Most tech classes have Developmental Psych classes that are loaded with great information in terms of what is realistic to expect in terms of age and developmental abilities/challenges. I think the more you invest in the process of the quality of your relationship, the more you will see that the other stuff follows out of that. And you may be encouraged very early on because you will see that you really do have a solid trusting, loving relationship that has been established. Keep your focus broad,and on communication, quality interaction, etc. Children are forgiving of the little mistakes we make as parents; ultimately what they cling to is our genuine-ness, open-ness, love, structure, guidance, ability to be authoratative and set limits, our ability to forgive, make mistakes, and really showing them what it means to be a good person. I can tell you are really much closer to any of this than you believe. Out of any of those books I listed, I would start with Gottman's Emotional Communication-I think you'll love it! I hope this helps too! S.

Ask your kids what they like, don't like or want to do. Go from there.

Relax... there is NO perfect parent. No matter what we have our faults at one time or another. No matter how much we try to protect them.. accidents happen! Don't worry about the little things and focus on thier health and happiness.

Read, Read, Read to them. Let the dishes sit and get down on the floor at thier level and play with them and color. Germs are going to happen no matter where they go. I wouldn't let them go into a public bathroom alone at thier ages not because of germs (that's why we wash hands) but for the fear of strangers. My son was 10 before I let him go in alone... even now (12, 9,8) if my husband is with he still goes in with them.

Teach them thier manners and to be respectful to others. As for age appr. things.. use your judgement. My youngest son is 20mo and he has never been interested in "baby toys". His favorite toys are anything that's his older brothers. I make sure they have no small pieces but otherwise that's what he plays with. I'm sure a book would tell me this is wrong.. but the book doesn't know my kids either.

Let kids be kids. They do it best, we just need to be there to encourage them, set limits, teach them the basics of life and love them... they will figure alot of it out themselves. I know this isn't for everyone... but in our house a dirty kid is a happy kid... that's what baths at night are for. We play out in the rain, make mud pies, play in the dirt pile ( its easier to clean than sand). We color, play games, talk to each other and we also have TV time together. They understand when I tell them, I need to do something first and they also understand that when I'm done they get my attention. Or I need to make the choice if what I'm doing can wait and give them what they need.. obviously if its like dinner.. that can't wait but if its laundry or cleaning that can wait, not every time but some of the times because we all know that does need to get done and nobody wants to be until midnight doing it.

As long as your spending time with them, teaching them manners, letting them know they can't have everything or their way (setting limits) and teaching them disappointment happen, they eat healthy meals (with the occassional treat meals), telling them and more importantly showing them you love them, you will have happy and healthy kids!

Don't fret the other things.

I have 5 kids and this is pretty much what we go by and I have 5 healthy, happy kids, and never read a parenting book before. My oldest does have some problems we are working on still that stems from the divorce of their dad 5 years ago and other things that his dad has done but that's where the love and encouragment come in and he is getting better and again.. no family is perfect.

Keep the books only for things you can't figure out in your heart or others can't give thier suggestions. Try going to a "mommy and me" class in your community they have awsome ideas on things to do with your kids outside of there and it's so much fun for the kids and mom's get to talk to other moms and get ideas or just the reassurance we need from time to time.

Your doing just fine!! Just sit back and take a deep breath, relax and love being a mommy.

I'm going to add one thing as I agree with the other posts 100%. I just got this quote in my email and it just rang SO true!

"Make each day useful and cheerful and prove that you know the worth of time by employing it well. Then youth will be happy, old age without regret and life a beautiful success."

Louisa May Alcott
1832-1888, Author

Here's to ALL our lives being beautiful successes!

C.,
The best advice I received when I was pregnant with my son is that I am the only mother he has ever had and the decisions I make will be what is right for him. In other words, only you know what is right for your child. All of the books and research can't be helpful if they are only frustrating you. My son is 4 now and while we accomplish things everyday we are not slaves to a routine. Rather than scheduling time for learning new things, I teach things as we progress throughout our day. I'm sure it is more difficult with 2 children, but luckily they are close in age so they can benefit from the same activities. My main advice to you is to relax as much as possible and to listen to your heart when making decisions about your children instead of worrying so much you can't make any decisions. I have found that this has created a positive atmosphere in which to raise a well adjusted, happy child. Take care and God bless.

C.,

First of all, I don't think you give yourself enough credit for what you are doing. The most important thing is to simply love and care for your children. It is very easy to read all the stuff that is out there and wonder if you will be "harming them for life". A very wise woman once told me, just remember, your kids don't know if you are doing it right or wrong they are going through it with you.

I am not sure if your oldest has hit school yet or not. But when they do, I am certain you will hear about what "Amy" gets to do or not to do. I have always just said to my kids, different parents different rules. I have never really had a whole lot of arguments about that one.

I am sure you are a fabulous parent. Please give yourself some credit for all that you do for your family. Enjoy them because before you know it they will be out on their own.

Good Luck,
G. (Mother of four 13, 11, 6, 2)

I don't have great advice about how to relax, but I can definitely tell you that now that my oldest is 4 1/2, I am completely more confused than I was before. Before, I knew that I could shelter my child and expose him to what I wanted him to see/do/experience: we watched PBS but not cable (we don't have it), our daycare fed them a healthy variety of fruits, veggies, meats and dairy and so did we, he went to church with us, to restaurants, and played outside on our hobby farm quite a bit. He was a very happy kid. Now that he's 4 1/2 and in preschool...I worry because the other kids know about Hannah Montana. I worry because I still take him in the girls' room with me when he has to pee, even though at school, he goes to the boys' room with his class. I worry because this Valentine's, I had him cut out hearts and put stickers on and sign his name...the other parents brought goody bags with candy, stickers, tattoos and pencils from Target. Will he feel lame? My son is sensitive; will he be bothered by all the other boys who shoot deer? My son is struggling because he likes to play farm; when we have friends over, they don't enjoy "farm" the way he does and it's hard to play. Anyway--the list goes on and on, and it suddenly seems like everything got a lot more complex. He's so much more aware, now, and remembers things...I was on the verge of posting something similar, but I really think it's a developmental thing. With your babies, it's easy: love them, feed them well, get them good sleep, tell them no (which is easy--no touch! no playing in toilet! no hit!), but when they start thinking and realizing all the options available, it's so much harder to know what's right. I just keep trying to trust that I know my child better than anyone, and while advice is wonderful, all I can do is love my child the best I can--and sometimes that'll mean mistakes, too.

Hi there, I have 2 kids...8 & 4.... I go to my mom for advice.....she says to "do what is reasonable". As far as public bathrooms go: Germs are not a bad thing.....just wash their hands. I have never heard of anyone getting a disease from a toilet seat.....and i've been using one all my life. Plus....kids need to build up immunities to these things for later in life. The subject of TV and candy comes up alot with my friends. I let my kids watch tv....of course I monitor what they watch.....and I let them have candy/sweets sometimes....so what. But when kids come to my house that don't have those things they are glued to the tv and shove candy in their mouths like they may never get it again! That is not good. Moderation is the best says my mom...who raised 4 kids to be healthy, happy and kind. I also ting you're reading/listening to others too much. Certain things like lead paint on toys and car seats are important.....but just relax, do things in moderation. My kids eat very balanced....but I let them eat hotdogs, chips and McDonalds once in a while.....let a kid be a kid....and enjoy them! B.

No one knows what they are doing while parenting, some just give a show of confidence, but actually it is all just logic and common sense just as with any job (unless you are a politician) and in need of a great sense of humor to get through it. Public restrooms are a way of life but I always hated to let my boys go into the mens room even when they were as old as 8 but they had to learn sometime. I would stand outside the door and listen after telling them if they needed help to yell and I would be in there in a flash. Know what, they never needed help and I never had to run in and protect them. As far as germs goes, take wet wipes and have them clean the toilet with it first and teach them to always wash their hands with soap and use the papertowel to open the door.

One thing you need to remember when raising children is the phrase "this too shall pass" If it won't matter tomorrow, then it isn't so desperate to fight over. Pick your fights. If they want to wear a pink shirt with orange shorts, let them and when people look at them strange, just smile and say "she is working at picking out her own style" My daughter was always a trend setter with how she would fix her hair and the way she put her outfits together, but she always wore them with confidence and she always looked cute. Encourage their imagination and let them enjoy their childhood. Most of all relax on the worry about germs and such. They have to build up their imune system and not being exposed to any germs at all won't help their health in the long run. The most important advice I can give you though is to get a notebook or if you like the computer, you can use that, but keep a journal on your children. Write down all the funny things they do and if you are having a "parenting moment" write it down. Make a scrap book out of the journal with pictures and you will give them a gift that nothing can compare with. My kids love reading their journals and laughing at how innocent they were. I also keep one on my granddaughter who loves to look at it seeing how she was as a baby (she is only 2 now). You will see that your motherly instint was there all along.

C.,

Just like no two kids are a like neither are parenting styles. What might work for some won't work for others. You are the only one who knows your kids and what is best for them. Follow and trust your instints. Nobody is perfect and you can bet that your girls think you are the best. Don't be so hard on yourself, you're doing fine. Books can offer some great guidelnes but they can't raise your kids only you can. Good luck!

Ok, lets take a deep breath together. Feel better? Parenting is hard, I have 3 boys(8,5and 2) And I do child care out of my home for a 3 year old girl part time and two other boys one full time 4 yrs and part time 8 yrs old autism. I myself was felling a lot like you. I put all books away and turned off the computer. And just focus of the basics. The smaller children self help skills, shapes, colors, numbers, and letters and we read a ton of books together. All different subjects.

The bigger kids we work on self control and refocusing when we get off track.

You love your kids and you are doing a great job. Even when we don't feel like it. As far as public bathrooms only my 8 year old go in by themselves, I will only let my 5 year old go in with his big brother. I don't trust anyone. I also am not afraid to just walk into a mens bathroom. I don't care if there are men in there, if I feel that it is taking too long. I enter, I do avert my eyes and shout that a mother is coming in and most men are understanding.

You could sign up your children and yourself into a yoga class. You can all take it together. Then you can practice at home with them when you are feeling overwhelmed. Have your husband take over the bed time routine and this is your time to sit with a cup of tea or something just for yourself. I hope this will help you. Good luck!

Awww! You poor thing! Try not to beat yourself up too hard. Hands down, parenting is hard and for all the books, internet info, studies and opinions people have in general, it is tough to know if you are doing everything right.
Just recently I read an article about kids and tv. It said children under 2 shouldn't watch any tv! My son has been watching PBS and Noggin since he was 6 or 7 months old, so I too felt like a bad mom!
My take on the whole thing is you can't take every little thing that books and child experts say to heart. There is just too much information and it will drive you crazy-like you say is happening to you!
I think spending time with your children in which you all truly enjoy each other's company is about the best thing you can do. Setting up routines in which your children learn healthy habits such as making good food choices, getting exercise, gettig enough sleep, practicing good hygiene etc. will teach them to be great human beings. Your children will learn that you genuinely care and will always be there when they need a helping hand. The rest I would leave up to common sense and not worry too much about what this or that book says.

Try to relax. It sounds like you are doing a better job than you think you are!!!

HTH,
A.

Hi C. -
Parenting is definitely a work in progress. Every day should be a new experience and sometimes you just have to roll with it. Many of us learn MORE from our mistakes. It's OK for kids to witness this too. It helps them learn how to problem-solve or adapt. I agree sometimes anxiety can come with parenting. I find that the best thing you can give to your children is LOVE - by example . . . with your husband, with your kids, for others, for the environment, and especially to ourselves. (I'm not sure if you are religious - but, this is what I value in my role as a parent). LOVE was given to us by God - so, I try to teach my children about God's love through the BIble, Sunday School, church, school, and devotions, etc. Parenting seminars can give you a sense of comfort b/c you find that many other parents are experiencing what you experience at home. However, you can't do everything books/other parents tell you to do. You have to customize it. Know what your family values are - focus on teaching those. Books - give you knowledge but, I really think that most knowledge just comes from experiences with our kids. Sit down with them, play with them, and HAVE FUN!!! Every child is unique - embrace that and adapt your parenting strategies as you go. If you don't find most people's responses comforting - I would seriously consider talking with a therapist about your anxieties. Too much pressure, causes stresses which leads to other ailments. Kids can sense this too. If they see you helping yourself, they'll also reap the benefits!

First, stop reading all the books :-) Only read something if you have a problem you can't solve, ie sleeping issues. Get in a good, supportive mom's group like a local MOMS Club or online MeetUp group for your area. Seeing how other moms struggle and solve problems will give you perspective. Enjoy your kids. You are a fine mom, and you won't screw them up. The best I ever read is that kids come pre-programmed for who they are meant to be, we just are here to support them in it. Good luck!

Hello, I knew that you would get a lot of responses on this question, but I couldn't help reinforce what everyone else has said...You are doing just fine!! Just love those girls and do what YOU think is right. Don't worry about the books. You were chosen to be their mom and no one else can do it better than you. They are lucky to have you! :) One thing i love to do is go back and look at picutres of when our kids were little and remember all the joy. Even through the ups and downs of parenting, we learned and grew and the kids turn out just fine. Take care of yourself, L.

Hi C. -- I'm not a kid person either, and when my first child was born I remarked to the nurse that I didn't know how to be a parent. She said, "Don't forget, Laura doesn't know how to be a baby, either." The way our kids learn to be 2-year-olds or 20-year-olds is through trial and error, and I think that's how we learn to be parents of whatever-year-olds too. The trouble with relying on books is that they speak about Raising Children -- not about our own adorable little Snookums. You want to relate to Snookums in the best way the two of you figure out -- not in the way books say The Mother should relate to The Child.

Relying on books instead of your instincts will stifle the natural development of your instincts. And if you can't be the real you, how will your kids learn to be the real them?

I try not to give God my wish list. I tend to say, "God, please give everyone involved in that situation what they need" and I don't make suggestions as to what I think they need, So I am praying and I trust that God will give each of you what you need.

Onward and upward! Lindda

the fact is that the books, the doctors, the family members, other parents, we know NOTHING about raising your kid!

the most IMPORTANT THING TO REMEMBER is that YOU are the parent, and YOU are the ONLY person who knows your child totally and completely. no one else (except your husband) knows your children, and no one else has the natural instincts and intuition that you do. so as far as how to know what to do with your kids, let yourself and your husband be the first and only experts. :D

there are times when every parent needs a hand, but you have to know that any and all advice you get is going to e edited and used appropriatly for the situation and personality that you know your child has. does that make sense? you can get advice from other people, but always remember that you dont have to do exactly what that advice says, only what you know your kids need or whatever.

one person that i trust for parenting information is dr william sears, his wife martha, and his son robert ... though i think some of the other kids help out with things too....
anyway, their website is www.askdrsears.com
they support parents making informed decisions about the way they raise their children, and they support the varied choices parents can make. maybe most of their books are more for new parents or parents of babies..... but im sure you could find some information online for your children. check it out, and i hope it helps you.

good luck, and just go with it. sometimes i find myself doing things that i dont plan ahead for, but are exactly what my son needs. i just follow my heart. i know my child. :D
good luck!

Throw away the parenting books.

None of us know what we're doing- we're all in the same boat. I thought I knew everything about being a mom until I actually BECAME one. Boy, was I ever wrong!!!

If there is a moms group in your area, think about joining it.
If your kids have after-school activities, volunteer to be a part of that. Get to know the parents of some of your girls' friends and then watch how they parent their kids- you'll know whether you want to try to imitate them or not.

Whatever else you do, know that you're not alone in this. We all just sort of figure it out as we go along.

PS- the Beetles were right- "all you need is love". Love yourself, love them. That's what really matters.

First of all, know that you are not alone! We all feel that way sometimes. It's funny because when my first daughter was born I keept thinking I was doing a horrible job and that I wasn't doing anything nearly as well as my mother did it with me. She always seemed to know exactly what to do in any situation. I finally confided in her that i didn't know what I was doing and she laughed and said it was like that with everyone, including her! So this woman that I grew up thinking had all the answers was just as insecure about her mothering skills as I was!

What your kids want from you is you! As long as you love them and listen to them and provide the basics, they will be fine. If you want to accompany them to the restroom until they're 25 (well, probably not 25!), that's your right as a parent. Try not to compare with other parents. I can tell you're doing a great job simply because you asked the question. Good luck!!

Okay... first of all... just so you are aware - we all feel like this at some point on our parenting journey - you are definitely NOT alone.
My boys are 9 1/2, 7 and 3 1/2. I too have gone through many of these anxieties over the years and even now.
I think that statement about all the info. available to us and how society throws everything back in our faces about parenting - oh... don't do that... you'll scar them for life!!! Puhleeeeeze....
As parents, we need to just go back to the basics... stop worrying so much (hard to do, I know). You and only you know your children the best - YOU are the only one who knows what's best for them. All the books and so-called experts out there need to be used as just a reference - they don't need to be followed to the T.
As long as you provide them your love and attention and teach them right from wrong, by giving them a strong moral base (teach them your beliefs)... they will turn out just fine.
as far as the bathrooms go- be thankful you can go into a girls bathroom with them... I've had to bite the bullet and let my older ones go in the boys/mens bathrooms alone - even with me standing outside the door - I still worry... I watch every single man that walks through that door and scan them with Eagle eyes; so that I know what they look like.
As far as your own anxieties... try to carve out a little time for yourself (I know this is hard, this is my new years resolution too), I've been trying to hit a yoga class 1-2 times a week - I get out of the house, it will help get me in shape and it's very meditative and relaxing. Don't know where you live, but you are welcome to join me.
OR, if you don't have a gym membership, there are great yoga DVD's out there too.
I even have a kids yoga DVD... have your kids do it with you, they will stay in shape and will enjoy the time with Mommy.
Find things that you love to do and cut it back to kid terminology and teach them what you love. Find things that you can do together.
Maybe since you have daughters, a 'salon night' (I would LOVE to do this, but don't think the husband would appreciate it if I did this with our boys!), paint their nails, style their hair, give them mini massages (lotion their legs and arms), them let them 'style' your hair - nothing more relaxing then someone else brushing your hair!!
anyway, done babbling now... hope it helps to know that you are not alone in feeling this way.
contact me if you need to chat.

First piece of advice....READ NANCY K'S RESPONSE!!
Second piece....REREAD IT!!!!!!!

That may sound silly to you....but I have 3 boys, 20, 10, and 9; and she absolutely could not have said it better!!

Your kids sound like happy healthy children....let them be children!!! Relax and give yourself more credit!!

Just remember of all the job titles we ever will hold...the title of Mom is the hardest and the best one we will ever have!!

As far as letting them go into public restrooms by themselves...Do you go into the bathroom with them? Or into the stall with them? I would NEVER send one into a public bathroom by themselves...there are weird people everywhere!! The stall yes....the last thing you want to do is to give them a complex that they aren't as grown up as their friends!!

Other than that...fly along by the seat of your pants with the rest of us!!! And enjoy the flight...it never gets any more precious than it is right now...they do grow up eventually!! :(

If everyone you know tells you that parenting well will just come to you stop asking them for advice. They are ignorant. The only people I know who think that parenting is easy hire someone to do most of the work of parenting for them. Parenting requires skills and is difficult even if you have a lot of experience with children. I had over 20 years working with small children when I became a parent, and I am still learning every day from my children. I came into parenting with more skills and confidence, but I was in no way prepared for how the lack of sleep wears you down or the 24/7 demands.

The fact that you are trying so hard says that you are taking parenting seriously. That's great, but sometimes we need to not be too serious with kids and just have fun. Try to do something silly with your kids every day. I don't know how you can build your confidence, but you need to be confident that the decisions you make for your family are the best you can make under the circumstances. We all make mistakes sometimes, so just adjust when you need to. None of us parent the same, because none of us are the same person. Let your children get to know the real you not some perfect mom persona.
As to the public restroom thing. I go to the restroom with my 4 year old. Recently she has started going into the stall by herself. I help her to wash afterward.

I'm a mother of four: so i hope this helps. You need to do what feels right for you! and reading too much is not helping. No matter what you do, things will turn out ok: love your kids , spend time with then , Listen to them. If you make work out of it you're not enjoying them, and they grow up fast.

I noticed that your tagline states that your girls are the center of your world. I know that you mean that in the best way, but I hope that you also take time to care for yourself and your marriage. You are the most important female role model in your girls' life. Make sure that their mother is well-rounded, happy, and has interests outside of her children, so that they can also grow up to be healthy and multi-faceted, too.

I swear there isn't a parent alive (who is actually a parent) That doesn't worry about the same things. Every time I get freaked out that I'm not doing everything I can for my kids and/or that I'm ruining them for life, I try to remember these things: 1) do you love your children and show them affection: yes 2) do you try to provide them with good experiences: yes, and 3) do you want them to be great people someday: yes. Then you are fine. No one is perfect, everyone makes mistakes. And some of those "mistakes" like letting them watch Dora, etc, are subjective as to whether they are actually mistakes.

As for the public restroom, I rarely let my 5 1/2 year old boy go in there by himself either, although for me I'm more paranoid about predators than I am about germs, only because I feel I cannot adequately fight the germ battle.

Just by the fact that you are concerned about your kids and you are trying to learn as much as you can, you are showing the world (and probably your kids) that you are a good parent!

You've gotten so much good advice that I don't know what more to add, but as someone who didn't have a very happy childhood and a mom that wasn't there for me, my advice is simply to really listen to your children and what they need. There's no "right" way to parent and all children have different needs. I try my best to not be the mother that books tell me to be, but to be the mother my children need based on their personality and emotional needs. My mother even says today that she's sorry she wasn't the mother that I needed her to be. It wasn't that she was a bad mother, she just wasn't able to be what I needed from her. Just love your children and truly listen to them (their words and their actions) and you'll do ok.

STOP reading the books/internet!! You are NOT a failure! It sounds like you have the unconditional love for your children and they are happy.

Relax and go with your gut instinct on things/situations. Think of how you were raised and tweak it to any changes you would have liked to see differently growing up or for today's times. Talk with your husband and discuss how to handle things and stick to it. The books/internet/magazines have good suggestions, but each child is different and things need to be handled differently with each child. You know your girls and will know how to make each one happy and how to discipline each one just by knowing their personalities.

Have fun with your girls and inlist the help of friends, doctors, and "online friends" in situations that you really truly don't have a gut reaction to.

I can tell by reading your request that you already are a great mom. I'd say just relax and enjoy it more. With the dedication you have to your family, there's no way you can do this wrong.

Just enjoy your husband and your girls and stop reading the books if they stress you out.

If you find the miracle book or atricle that tells you how to be a perfect parent pass it on. I don't know of a single mother/father who thinks they know exactly what they are doing. Most of us are still flying by the sit of our pants. But as a mother of 2 (24 & 15) the most I can say is that if you feel something is right go with it. Just because other parents allow their children to do something doesn't mean that you have to. Let you children have little wings to fly and experience life but still close enough that you can catch them. Most parents sometime or another will have that "failure" feeling. If you children are healthy and happy then you are doing a great job!

Relax! None of us know what we're doing! Every parent feels anxiety over the daily decisions they make for their children. Just do the best you can and trust your gut! Reading books or surfing the net for information is fine, but your maternal instint is your best guide. We have millions of years of mothering flowing thru us, it's in our nature =) (There's my deep thought for the day! LoL)

Here is my advice as a mother of a 12 year old and almost 16 year old - also both daughters: quit reading the books! They will make you crazy. What your kids need is your attention, love, and consistent discipline! Think back over your own childhood...did you get sick/hurt from using public restrooms, or eating the wrong stuff, or climbing a tree? Teach your kids to take care of themselves, wash their hands, look both ways when the cross the street, etc...and they will turn out fine! Don't be so hard on yourself, enjoy your kids-they're only little once, and the messes, cuts, scrapes, and tears are all part of life.

Hi C.,

I relate with you and I have my degree in elementary education. Yes, I feel much more comfortable with school aged children, but am at a loss about the itty bitties and their developmental skills. I also have read books and the internet (which brought me to mamasource) and feel that too much information is really starting to make me struggle with my confidence. I had this conversation just the other day with my MIL and she said that one of her friends had also made that point about new moms worrying about every possible thing that could go wrong because of the over abundant information.

Do you want what is best for your children? Then you are a great mom.

Take a breath and realize that YOUR parenting of YOUR children is the best.

I have three suggestions that helped me:

*Take some Early Child Family Education classes in your county. They are on a sliding scale so everyone can afford them. You can join at anytime of the year...even if it is half way through a "semester." This allowed me to see other kids the same age as my child and talk to other moms going through similar things at the same time. You and your kids will also get a chance to make new friends in your community.
* One of the books we were given at our ECFE class was "Bringing Up Baby...Three steps to making good decisions in your child's first years." Authors: Lerner & Dombro www.zerotothree.org/bookstore or 800-899-4301
Our ECFE has a library that we can use for free. The book is not about right or wrong ways but ways to look at each of your children and the way you and your husband were raised and to use your instincts accordingly. It is a lot of common sense but it puts things in perspective.
* Another book that is helpful for children 4 to 14 is "Yardsticks" by Chip Wood. It is a very easy to use book that points out specific developmental stages for each age. We used it in the classroom. It was fun to hear all of us teachers read through it at the same time. You would hear everyone agree or say "oh, so it is normal for a five year old to fall out his chair side ways and a six year old to fall out backwards. It also breaks each age into physical, social, language, and cognitive growth patterns. It also has suggestions for the classroom based on developmental skills for each age group. Such as not having 6 year olds copy from the board since their vision and fine motor ability is not ready for that. Most will comply, but it is difficult for them.

Alright, so I just gave you more books to read. Feel free to ignore that, too. You are doing a great job doing what YOU feel is important. Keep that up!

Best wishes.

As a childcare provider and former teacher, I'd like to reassure you that you are most likely doing a great job! Do you know that even under the most dire circumstances, if a child feels and knows they are loved by their parents, they will still become successful adults?! It's true! Anything you can do to show your child that you love them (spending time with them, reading, talking, taking them to the park, playing with them, setting limits and boundries, etc.) is really the best thing you can do! Try to relax and keep this in mind.

Enjoy everyday and take this time to soak it all in, you children will only be little once. Have fun with them, set loving and appropriate rules, follow through with regular discipline deliverd in a respectful way, and you'll have the greatest kids on earth! Try to resist reading all of the "parenting" advice, I know it can be difficult, but really you are right in that sometimes it can just be overwhelming, contradictory, and you're better off the stick with the basics and what you already know and feel in your heart.

There is no advice/book/plan you can follow that will guarantee you raise "happy" children. Healthy? That you can do something about by encouraging physical activity every day and good eating habits.

But "happy"? Your influence on the happiness/success of parenting ends when your children go to school. The world opens up to them and the influences of others begins. You can't control 80% of the interactions and experiences they'll have in school/with peers and that will, no matter what, influence their happiness and general outlook on life.

Do you love your children? Do you spend time with them and teach them the skills they need (problem solving, decision making, morality, etc..)? Then you are "doing it right", in my experience.

I have 2 grown children, 1 in high school, and a toddler. Believe me, I've asked the same questions you do - over and over. And the conclusion I've come to is that if you spend your time worrying over every little thing you're not going to enjoy parenting.

There is no "age appropriate" guide because all children - and parents - are ready for different experiences at different ages. At 15 we left our oldest son alone while traveling on business, because he was responsible and ready for it. At 15 we are not comfortable leaving our daughter alone to travel, because she's not the same child. "Age" isn't a good measure of readiness for any experience. You know your children, you know what they can handle. Use your own childhood and instincts as a measuring stick and do not be so concerned about what other parents think/say/do. I don't let my children watch much TV or play video games, they aren't allowed to have cell phones, and they can't have phones/tv/video games in their rooms. Most parents do. I don't care. What I think is best for my children is what I'm going to do regardless of what the "experts" or "other parents" say.

If all the other parents let their kids jump off a bridge...

Trust yourself. You love your children, you want the best for them, you'll do what's right for you and them in the end without advice from websites and experts. You'll do fine.

Do you expect yourself to be perfect? It is an unreasonable expectation. Perfect people are overrated and hard to keep up with...and when you do finally catch up with them, you find you never really were that great to begin with anyhow.

You need to let your children be more responsible for themselves than you are. The public restroom anxiety you have will transfer to them eventually and I know that deep down you know that your kids have the best idea as to whether they can actually manage using the public restroom on their own (why not just stand outside the door and listen for them if they holler for your help?). Who knows, it could be a huge confidence booster for your five year old to help your four year old without mommy there (but close by). Germs are inevitable and they are a fact of life. Take along plenty of hand wipes and you'll be fine. Test yourself to see if you are able to let your kids do these types of things--if you can't then you are really majorly stressed out.

It sounds indulgent but you really need to take regularly scheduled daily time each and every day to focus on relaxing. One hour each day for you alone is not asking too much of your family. I am not talking about putting up your feet and pouring a margarita. I am talking about meditation (guided meditation is great), exercise, biofeedback (like Wild Divine--find it by googling) or talk therapy. The more relaxed you are, the less anxious you will be about your parenting of your kids. Put down your books and the next time you go to Barnes & Noble, look in the section that offers books about meditation and personal growth. Buy a cd of some really great music you have been wanting to hear...and listen to it!! You do not need to be so heavy into 'mommy mode' as you were when they were babies. They are already at the ages where their personalities are not likely to change much and they have their own opinions about things you don't even wonder about. Give yourself a break and focus more on YOU.

Don't worry so much! I'm sure you are doing fine. I think every parent has things they are good at and things they could improve on. I know I have some areas I need to improve on, but I try not to dwell on it. Are your kids happy and reasonably healthy? Are you happy? If not, do things (within reason) that make you happy and everyone will turn out fine. Sorry if that sounds a little vague.
The most important thing is to not get so down on yourself. You seem to be doing a lot of good things for your kids and there are many kids out there with less interested parents. You can't possibly be a failure. I sometimes feel overwhelmed too. Make some time for yourself to do something completely non-kid related. Something that is just for you and accomplishes no other goal or errand than to make you feel good. Having a little break like that sometimes makes you value and appreciate what you have and allows you to refocus and get a better perspective on things.

You've gotten a lot of support for your parenting here, so I can't add anything on that subject, but I am concerned about your anxiety. I think you should consider finding a good therapist to talk to -- I've done it when my anxieties and stress got to be a bit too much, and it was extremely helpful.

Whatever you need to do to feel better, feel more confident, and able to enjoy being a mother more, you should do.

Hang in there.

Hi C.,
First of all ... relax - toss the dang books and learn to have fun with your children. Take 'em to the park and play with them, don't just watch them play ... take 'em to the zoo etc... these can all be educational things. You can read about each animal you visit at the zoo etc. Ride bikes together on your street or go for a walk together around your neighborhood. These are the things that children love to do and it will help you and the kids bond and enjoy each others company.

Do you have time to volunteer in their daycare or kindergarten room once a week? THAT will give you a wealth of information watching what the teacher does and observing children play with each other on the playground.

Be available for your children, laugh and have fun. Those things are what is important. I have 3 grown children and 6 grandchildren ranging from teenagers to 2 yrs old.

Good luck and don't forget about plenty hugs and kisses!
D.

First of all, be kind to yourself. Your children are 4 and 5 and that is good enough to know if they have so-called issues. Anything can trigger some kind of repercussions down the line, but that does not mean you dont venture out at all and not do anything at all! In my opinion, you need to relax a bit. Which means that you dont worry about the future. Are your kids well behaved? well adjusted? reasonably normal? have good eating habits? Do you all have fun times together when you do your activities? Things like this is what will build bonds between your children and you. And nobody can be right all the time and forever! We all make mistakes, but you have to understand why things went wrong, and to learn from it. All kids learn different things at different times, so comparing to others will just not work for your kids. You may infact build pressure for them if you try to compare and try to make them do similar stuff. If your kids feel that they are ready to go to the public restroom by themselves, do let them try. Do guide them about the correct usage. They may not use it correctly the first time. But that is usual and normal. You need to be patient, and just help them.

But first of all, take it easy!

Hope this helps. I usually try to reason out what seems ok for the age. If I feel it is not ok for the kids to do something, then I dont let them. I do not compare with others, because all kids have different exposure. I mentally have a set of rules for my kids, and largely try to follow that.

I hope this helps you. All the best!

I really don't know what is behind trying to be perfect and pleasing to people. DO you have someone in your life (past or present that makes you feel that way?). If so, I would deal with that first. I frankly could care less what anyone thinks about how I parent (besides my children). As long as they are happy, I am doing a good job. If they are not happy..I try to figure out why and help them. Most of the time it has nothing to do with how good of a parent I am. By the way, I am a biology major and you can get more germs from a doorknob that you can from a public bathroom. You really don't want to raise your kids to be paranoid or scared of everything or they will end up having the same anxieties. I hope this helps. I don't mean to judge. It just seems so sad that you are missing out on the simplicity and joy of having children and loving them. That's all they really need.

This book has helped me and our family tremenously, parenting does not come naturally for me, this has been awesome! Someone recommended it to me when my child was little, she is now 4 almost 5 and we use these philosphies every day! Good luck!

Love and Logic, by Jim and Charles Fay
http://www.loveandlogic.com/

Just relax, take a deap breath, and have some fun. Children are pretty resilliant (sp?). As long as you are not abusing them your ok. Quit trying to do everything and just enjoy them as they grow. They get so big so quick if you spend so much time worrying what your doing you don't have time for the doing part.
LOVE your children, spend time with them and your husband. Also a big thing is make sure you are having time for you- this is really important.

I have to agree with the first posting, you are the only one that know your children, you cant base there life learning and experiences off of the internet and books that you read. There is no way to judge children they are all different and learn at different speeds. YOu can only go but what you think is best and what is truely in your gut. That is the best parenting, In my opinion any one who lets there small child use the restroom unattended, well to say it lightly thats crazy. My children are 5, 3, and 5 months and I never have let them go in and use a bathroom alone, I go in there with them or I hold the door. My son is 3 so I can still drag him into the womens bathroom with me but when he gets bigger, I will be at the door watching my watch. We have taught him to only unzipper and pull it out the front, only so that he isnt exposing himself too much, (there are a lot of weirdos out there and you never know!!!)
Anyway teach them the things that are important to you, and not what the internet and books and mags say!!! And most important ENJOY them they are so little yet and get big so quickly, you dont want to miss that by being on the internet researching all the time!! Do what you feel in your heart and it will be fine!! HUGS :)

As a mom to 7, let me tell you that even if you do it "right" something won't turn out right. You CAN'T make it all perfect. You CAN'T.
If you don't learn to relax now, you are not going to survive the coming years when the kids "hate" you. They won't actually hate you, and you have to be tough for that.
So, what is the worst that can happen if the kids get exposed to germs? OK, get past the worst, because they are not going to die from touching something in the public bathroom. They MIGHT get a cold/flu. Not the end of the world. The more kids get exposed to, the stronger their immune system gets. Only people with immuno-comporomised kids need to be worried. Trust me, all my kids have used the public bathrooms, some have not even washed their hands, and they have not even been hospitalized for it. I can't even think of I time when I thought that was what caused them to get sick. AT 4-5 I would not allow them to go into the bathroom alone, because of predators, but into the stall is fine.

Right now, your kids can pretty much eat what you eat. There is no need to stress. Kids need to have some control in the area of what they eat, too, all you can do is offer healthy choices.

Spend more time playing with, reading to, enjoying your kids. In the end, all the flaws will be overlooked. You will have flaws. But a good relationship will bring them past it.

C., I had no experience with kids either. The first time I held my son was one of the first times I ever even held a baby. He's now 21 months old and we have so much fun together. My best advice to you is to remember that there is no right or wrong answer. If you love your children (which you obviously do) and do what you think is best for them, then it's not wrong. There is no book that can tell you how to be the best parent to your child. Your instincts are already there whether you know it or not. Enjoy your children and have fun. We're all just doing the best we can.

I think you need to stop reading the books and just relax. DO the things with them that you enjoyed as a child, or whished your parents would've done with you. Go to the park, play their games, read books, watch their kids educational shows with them and talk about the shows. Feed them food you would eat to be healthy yourself, and just use common sense.

Whay are you in a hurry for them to use public restrooms alone at 4 and 5....they are little, it would be hard for them to even get up on the toilet, I would think. I really don't think that is an important milestone you need to worry about at all. If the kids are expressing a desire to do so ,thoug, start letting them....just wait outside the stall and make sure they wash their hands with soap - germs all gone.

I am sure you are doing fine. You cannot be "perfect" and follow every single thingin every book. If you love them and just do your best, they are not going to turn out as "damaged goods".

I wouldn't get a "parent coach", it sounds like you really are doing fine for your girls - but maybe you need to talk to a professional about your own obvious issues with anxiety/feeling like you are not good enough.

Take care of yourself, so that you can stop worrying so much and just grow with your kids!!

Good Luck
Jessie

Hello, you have gotten tons of excellent advice, so I will not repeat! The one thing I want to stress though is to definitely stop reading books altogether. Don't stop just for a little while - stop for good. I haven't read a parenting book or article in a year and my daughter is thriving. The one magazine I LOVE and subscribe to is Family Fun Magazine. It's chock full of ideas to do with your kids from activities to crafts. That's the kind of thing we should all be reading. Enjoy!

I think you answered your own question. Relax and enjoy parenting and you will raise happy, healthy children. Don't be so hard on yourself. Don't compare yourself to others. Stop seeking all of the conflicting advice. Do what feels good in the moment. If you don't feel happy and relaxed, change it. I recently listened to Martha Beck in her latest book, "Steering by Starlight" that she thought she was supposed to do all these "mom" things. Read stories, play, etc. It really stressed her out. She decided to be herself and worked that into mommyhood. She told them stories of her day rather than reading books, etc and the anxiety went away. Good luck.

Breathe, relax. Read only when there is an issue, and even then it's better to talk to other mom's who you know and trust. After all a lot of books are written by people without children but with degrees and wouldn't know what to do if stuck alone with a kid. Take the knowledge you have a make it like a library use the parts you need when you need it and the ones you think you like and leave the rest on the shelf. I learn the best at PTA but then again some of those parents ideas won't work for our family but I try it and if it fails find something new. We do a lot of trial and error and this family and it simply builds character and teaches my son how to problem solve on alot of things or how to say 'I'm sorry' and 'I forgive you'. We have an open relationship where he can tell us if something is working or not, we are still the parents when it comes to discipline but on other stuff he has input, we have final word but he has a say. He has known what he has needed since he could talk, all kids do just let them.