Am I a Failure at Being a Mommy???

Hi S. , my name is T. give my and e-mail or call me maybe we can meet and talk i have a 6 yr old son and marriage 7 yrs. ____@____.com or ###-###-#### . I live in Eastpointe. sorry so short.

I'm not reading anything here about time out/naughty chair.

Make it clear that you will immediately leave the store if he starts misbehaving. Or put him in a time out AT the store. And be consistent.

Make it clear that if he can't behave when it's time to come in, he's in the time out/naughty chair. And be consistent.

I wouldn't worry about the potty training. He's only 4. When a child is mentally ready they will. When you explain to him that he can't go to school until he learns to use the potty for pooping, maybe that will motivate him. It did with my one son. Or use the old stand-by, and tell him that if he doesn't learn to use it, he's going to have to go back to being a baby in diapers. Reverse psychology often works.

S.; yes this was also my first child, discipline would not work he would be horrible, but consistancy is the key, i also found out the hard way and not till he was 14 that when he was really horrible, he was tired, and needed sleep, he seems like a very bright boy, and his mind is quicker than his body, in the store i had to always have my child ride in the cart or on the cart or put his hand on the cart, so he was not a terror, this takes consistancy, make a rule and stick to it, if its one you are gonna stick to, dont say no then change it to a yes, if you mean no , keep it a no, if your gonna change it then just say yes, that will not send mixed messages, just do your best, and its ok to discipline,and to put in time out, or sometiems just a tap on the butt gets their attention, you dont have to be mean, just correct what you feel is wrong, by setting up guidlines. have a good day D. s

for discipline try taking the tv away all together.....he may not like ONE show so much but loosing ALL of them might help......for learning fun try planning a day around a letter, plan your meals with only those things that beging with b do and activity that starts with b etc.....put the names of things on things like a sign on the fridge that says refridgerator you would be suprised how much he will pick up when he isn't "paying attention".....there is also software for the computer that is like a game but learning based......sorry I don't have any advice for your other questions once I found my children's "triggers" they trained quickly, with my daughter it took me 1.5 years of looking to find the right trigger but I found it......have you tried letting him clean up his own mess? that did seem to help my one friend

You are not a failure. Every child has a different personality, and you have a live one! The most important thing you can do is be consistent at however you discipline. If you have given him more freedom and he is not handling it well, then you need to take it away. I bet if he was not allowed to play with his cousins for a day or two, he might think twice about his response. Another thing that you can do is when a child starts throwing a fit that starts the time out, if they still protest that lengthens the time out, use a timer so he can see you adding the time. He may need to spend a very long time in time out one day to get the message. Make sure time out space is not near toys!
Also, as long as you are doing your job as a parent and not permiting the behavior and being consistent with discipline, not giving up no matter what, if your child is still misbehaving it doesn't mean you are a failure. Sometimes it takes a long time with the squirrely ones! I've got a couple and have seen vast improvement in my 6 year old this year.

As far as the potty training, as a mother of 5, I have had them potty train at all different speeds, sometimes the pooping can be a constipation problem, if he is medically cleared then you know if he's doing it on purpose.
I agree with the learning suggestions, point things out as you see them, like letters in the parking lot. Me and my 4 year old pick a letter and always park near that letter for a while when we go to the grocery store and then you can say all the things you know that start with that sound.

No you're not a failure, a failure would not ask for or receive help.

Children change so much so quickly. You might want to do some research on age appropriate toys and learning things for him. If what they suggest is stuff you've tried already, see what they recommend for 5 year olds, he might be bored. A lot of children misbehave in school because they're bored with the material and either don't want to bother doing it, or do it fast and have nothing to do.

Start setting some boundaries about how he talks to you. If its bad now, wait until he's a teenager. You have to be insistent that he talk respectfully to you. Do whatever it takes, up the consequences, until he begins to behave. Have you read through some parenting books to get ideas on creative discipline?

I'd suggest reading the 5 love languages for kids. It really helped with my 18 month old when we'd moved to a new house and she began to have terrible behavior issues. Its actually pretty easy to figure out which ones are your kids favorites, and if not you just start experimenting with all of them and see. Being sure they get what they need each day helps a lot.

He obviously loves social time, so see if you can set up some more play dates with kids. Its normal for children to be upset when the time to leave comes, but be sure and give him a few warnings and then its time to go. The more he experiences this, and that he'll get to see other kids again later, the better he'll start to handle it.

Best wishes and I'm sure you'll figure out the best plan for your son!

Hello S., You are only a failure if you throw the towel in and quit! Mother hood is a journey of learning. The problem here is that you are not educated in child development. That does NOT make you a bad mother. To fit that title you would have to be abusive and neglectful. Consistentcy is very important. Your son needs to predict that A=B. If he hits, he sits 3 minutes in the thinking chair. Attention span at this age is very short, so flash cards are not going to do anything but set up a power struggle between the two of you. Point out colors in every day settings. Count out food, socks, shoes, or what ever is being dealt with at the moment in every day life. This is how a 3 years old learns. Go to the library with your son. Get him some books, then go to the section on parenting. READ, READ, READ! This was my saving grace as a mother, due to the fact that I did not want to repeat the extremely abusive pattern that my family modeled for me. The last thing that you want is to raise your child with guilt that you didn't make the time to improve on the most important, and hardest job in the world. Go to a day care center and watch how they work with the kids if at all possible. Ask other moms to help you figure things out. Being social is very important for you, because if you are not getting your needs meet, then you cannot begin to meet all of the needs of your son. This site is a wealth of information, and great women. Watch the Super Nanny, and Nanny 911. Remember that negative attention is still attention, so ignore you son completely when he is doing something that you do not approve of and shower him with attention when he is being good. In time outs, do not talk, touch, or look at him. If he gets up, simply put him back and walk away. Repeat, repeat, repeat!! The behavior will get worst before if will get better, because he has learned to up the ante when things don't go his way. Good luck.

You are not a failure -- we all have to go through this at some time or other.

Also, his behavior is "normal for his age", but that does not mean that it is acceptable. It is, most emphatically, NOT!

1 - For his learning, short "doses", frequently repeated, are probably your best bet. Keeping it short, like 5-10 minutes at the most, until or unless he is really interested and wants it to continue longer, will probably be the most effective. Also, you might have him sing his ABCs every time he washes his hands to make sure he washes them long enough to get all the germs off, and incidentally he will be very proficient in his ABCs very quickly, if he isn't already, and even if he sings them very fast, he'll still have washed his hands long enough. If you only get to "D" when you sit down with him, then maybe next time start with "E". If you keep it varied, he'll be more likely to be more interested. Also, try worksheets (there are tons, easy to find on the internet) or games or coloring sheets, etc. Or, use blocks or his toys and put them in letter shapes and see if he can recognize which letter. Or, have him use his body to form different letters. And be sure to read to him every day -even a short little book or story makes a difference.

2 - When in the store, if he doesn't behave, reduce his freedom. He can hold on to the cart the entire time you are in the store, for example, or stay in the seat and not get to walk around, etc. Or, leave him with his Daddy and he not get to go with you to the store at all. This might also give you a break. Or, have Daddy do the shopping with the little one. Daddies sometimes have just the right touch that little ones just *won't* cross.

If he acts in a rotten way when it's time to come in from playing with his cousins, give him a time-out right away or don't let him go play there next time. Whatever you do, don't give in to a tantrum to give him what he wants then or right afterward - it will only make them worse, because he will see that he can get what he wants by behaving in this unacceptable way. Instead, you can try to help him understand better ways of expressing his feelings. Try giving him 2 positives choices for every negative - once he calms down. Try not to give him any attention at all when he throws a fit.

For disrespectful language, talking back, etc., it depends on your feelings about it, but washing his mouth out with soap, consistently when he does it does have an effect, or wash his face. ("Dirty/disrespectful language, needs to be cleaned, and scrubbed well to get it out of the system." "Such a cute little face shouldn't say such ugly things or speak in such an ugly (or dirty) way." When this is required for my children (I have 4) and they howl a lot as I soap up their face (LOTS of soap), then it might get into their mouths and after they've been warned but don't listen, they get a good mouth soaping too, but because they didn't heed the warning, and so they brought it on themselves, and I make clear to point that out.) It might seem mean at first, but bratty behavior cannot be tolerated, and they must learn to behave properly and respectfully, and if we parents don't teach them (it is our responsibility after all) who will?

3 - Poop in the potty - keep a diaper on him until he does, consistently. Every child gains control at their own pace, and pooping is one of the last things they gain control of. And, since he does play with others, the diaper might add a little peer pressure to the equation and he might try harder to gain that control - maybe. My 4.5 year old still wets her clothes - frequently - simply because she doesn't want to take the time to go to the bathroom - but she is consistent about pooping in the potty. For her it isn't a lack of control; it's laziness, even though she has to change her own clothes. But, for her, the threat that she will have to keep the wet clothes on all day and not get to change them, as well as stay in places where they won't hurt anything else, is enough to get her attention long enough for her to choose to use the toilet rather than her clothes. Good luck.

You are not a failure. Your little boy is just growing up, and his behaviors are normal weeds that we parents have to deal with and do our best to root out. But, the worst his behavior gets, the more privileges he should lose, even if he doesn't seem to care much about them. For example, if he won't cooperate at all on his lessons, then maybe no TV that day or even for a week. If he starts throwing things, take that thing he throws away (a few minutes, an hour, a few hours, a day, a week, whatever works for you, and according to his understanding).

Now, also, make sure you have a break once in a while. Have is Daddy play with him an hour or two and you go do something you like to do, and/or you and your husband go on a date and have him play with his cousins (of course with the consent of the cousins' parents) for a while. But, maybe you just need to get out of the house for an hour or so or have a meal with a friend or sister - get some other female support for your own sanity, and to help to refill your own well of compassion. You can't bring good water up from a dry well. Make sure you get a break once in a while, preferably before you really recognize you need it - I've been there, and that little time helps and can make a big difference in how you feel, as well as your ability and confidence in doing what you need to do. And, just knowing you aren't the only one that experiences these things can help!

Good luck, take care, keep smiling even when you don't feel like it, and either way, you'll be all right. :)

ok first your not a failure you are a wonderful mom doing everything you feel is right. For the tantrums of coming home or in from playing. Let him know if he doesn't stop doing it he will go to bed 15 mins earlier and will not play next time. For every time he embarris you in front of poeple he goes to bed earlier and doesn't get to play. For the learning children his age have very little attention span. If you can get him to do something for 20 mins your lucky. If you get to D in 10 mins than try in about an hr to get through to h etc. Make a deal you sit and work on these things for 15 mins than we do what you want to do after. His out time should be standing in the corner.When he doesn't listen or do what he is suppose to he should go to the corner for time out. While doing all this stuff, He should also get rewarded for good behavor or doing something right with gummy bears or some type of snack. There is many different things you can do to keep him amuzed. Take him to the library for reading hr., take him to the park, take him to the zoo, take him science center, take him to the muszeum, take him to the beach, make a picnic outside for lunch one day, do scavenger hunt at home with him, do crafts with cutting and pasting, play with playdo, have him help you do stuff around the house and when he does make him feel special, Have him was the table, bring his plate to you after he eats, have him helo you clean something do laundry etc. Be creative use your imagination. Have him help with dinner. Good luck. If you need to chat you can contact me through here.

Is your son in preschool? It sounds like he needs to learn how to socialize in a structured settin. Children learn from each other just as much as they learn from adults, and he needs to develop social cues. Even if it was just 2 half days a week, in a classroom type setting, that might help. Something to consider.

Please don't think of yourself as a failure. I once felt that way when my stubborn, high-energy daughter was young. She is now a successful doctor w/5 grown kids, and being stubborn & high-energy has helped her get there. She is a wonder to us all but was a royal pain to parent! I was 20 when she was born and no way, was I prepared for a strong-willed child! I had 3 more girls and none were like her. I have to say that a lot of kids, especially boys (& my doctor daughter) aren't fully toilet trained till they're 4, so all is not lost on that front. I soon regretted ever spanking my daughter as it only raised the ante and made her more determined to have her way. She loved a fight! Make my day was her attitude! It is hard but I learned to let her make as many choices as possible, give her lots of time & warnings about having to transition from one place to another, talk very plainly & grown-up to her (she could smell an adult manipulating an unsuspecting kid a mile away), and get her to cooperate in decision-making ahead of time whenever possible. She threw tantrums in public where she knew I was limited & she loved the attention she drew. It helps to present a calm, confident, strong front. Don't let a kid like this see you sweat. They will always strike if you seem vulnerable or needy, like a predator animal. I used to wonder if I'd survive. She tells me now that she knew I loved her a lot so she felt secure in acting out when she was angry. I bet your little guy is also very smart. Smart kids are a real trip to raise, but worth it! HANG IN THERE, MAMA!

Hi S.,

I haven't read all the responses but there was one in the many I looked over that mentioned your son may be ADHD. I have to agree with her. ADHD children can have lots of sensory issues along with the ADHD. When he gets worked up with friends around is it because there are too many people around? Is it overly noisy? He may also feel like he's loosing control. If you've tried the majority of the suggestions below with the time out and such then you might want to consider calling your local schools special education office and in writing request an evaluation. If they come back and say he isn't ADHD that's fine, at least you'll know. Going through the schools won't cost you anything and by law your district has 30 days to complete an evaluation once they have received the request in writing from you. While waiting for the evaluation start taking notes. What happens when he gets upset, what set him off? Are there certin people around that may have said something to aggrivate him? Is he tired? Also, with the bowel movements, does he seem to be holding it for long periods of time? Is it really big or hard? If the answer is yes to any of these there may be a medical reason behind it. I have 3 ADHD boys and have lived through what most might call "everything and anything". If your sons evaluation comes back that he is ADHD then you will know and can start getting him interventions he possibly needs. I applaud you for asking for help. The only parent that is a failure is the parent that doesn't ask for help then gives up trying. We are all here to help each other.

S.

Hi S.---I can imagine how frustrated you are with your son's behavior. At this age, kids are testing boundries and trying to learn how to make their own decisions. It will take time and patience to help what seems to be a very independent child. I would recommend reading The Discipline Book by William Sears, MD. He and his wife have written MANY books about raising children. One of their sons, Dr. Jim, is on the ABC The Doctors program.

Another avenue I would look at would be your son's diet. He may be sensitive to certain chemicals, additives and preservatives, that could make his attitude more difficult to 'channel' in a positive direction. Be sure he is eating for optimal health. His, and everyone's, diet should consist primarily of whole foods, fruits, vegetables, whole grains, legumes, nuts and seeds. Minimize animal protein, using it as a condiment or flavoring. I would eliminate cows milk. It is a commen allergen with symptoms so subtle that it is seldom diagnosed as such. Go to www.strongbones.org to learn more. In fact, milk proteins can damage the lining of the gut, permitting food particles to enter the bloodstream and then causing an overreaction of the immune system. ELIMINATE all processed foods. Look for labels that have few ingredients, if the food has a label. No white flour or sugar, artifical colors or sweeteners. All of these 'foods' can have a detrimental effect on the brain. Some people are more sensitive to them than others. Your son might be especially sensitive. Unfortunately, most traditional doctors do not know how nutrition can affect these issues.

I am taking a series of wellness classes taught by a Naturopath who has her PhD in Nutrition. I feel confident I can share strategies and information with you that can help you get through this. Give me a call if you have any questions. I am truly honored to help others learn to achieve optimal health. Good luck, D. ###-###-####

You are not a failure I too am a mother of a 4 1/2 year old boy. Recently he has been braty himself at times or demanding should I say. I chalk it up to him going through some transitions of his own. I like others, have said, give him time warnings when we have to leave the park for instance. This seems to work quite well. I am also looking to meet mom's my age I am 30yrs old married and have an only son. My email is ____@____.com trying to work on my body image, could always use a workout partner :).

S., you are not a failure at being a mommy. Kids do NOT come with a manual. Set boundaries with him, make them clear, and make the consequence clear. Sounds like the biggest thing you can take away is playtime outside with cousins. You will have to endure fits, screaming, him telling you that he hates you, etc. Be strong and endure because if you give in at 4, what will he be like at 14??? As long as you are clear and consistant, things will change. It will take time. Your hubby also has to be on board with this and have the same strength. Discuss it with him first and then implement your plan. You have to present an united front on behavior and consequenses issues. Hope this helps, L.

You're not a failure; I have an almost 4 year old boy too and he's very energetic. As for the flash cards and work books, Elijah (my son)isn't interested in them either. I would try to make a game out of it ...

Example:
For learning the alphabet, set a few objects on the table (maybe some apple slices, a banana, a small stuffed cat and a small stuffed dog) and tell him what they are, emphasizing the first letter. Then say, 'please get me something that starts with d and if he brings you the stuffed dog, or what ever you pick starting with d, then reward him with lots of praise; if he sits and goes along with it, maybe let him stay up an extra half hour that night and let him watch a special movie or tv show he likes. (Do you have Comcast or Direct TV? If you do, do you get PBS Kids Sprout? On Comcast, it's channel 128 ... it's all PBS shows and it runs for 24 hours, my kids love it)

For the numbers:

Get a bag of M&Ms or some animal crackers if you're trying to watch his sugar intake. Put a few on the plate and help him count them. Again, with PBS kids sprout, my kids have picked up numbers a little bit easier because Sesame Street is on at 8 and then there are other shows to help.

As for the not pooping in the potty, my son just started doing that ... it's frustrating, but he will get it when he's ready. What I would recommend is buying one that you have to lift the liner out and clean out; it's gross, but you can put it in the living room and just periodically make him sit down on there ... tell him that if he poops in the potty chair, he'll get a treat; yes, it's bribary, but it works; I bought chocolate covered raisins from Trader Joes, but you can make your own easily; buy a bag of Thompson raisins (taste so much better than the ones advertised on tv sunmade?) and a small back of semi sweet chocolate chips. Take a heat safe mixing bowl and put the chips in the bowl; in a sauce pan just large enough for the bowl to sit on top of, pour about 1/4 cup of water and put it on about medium low heat and just stir the chocolate chips in the mixing bowl over the water until the chips are melted; you've just created a double boiler instead of paying 40 dollars for one.

As for the mouthing off and being bratty, part of that is normal kid behavior, even for that age. Here is what my mother did with my brother and I; I've tried it and it does work. If when you come in, he starts throwing a tantrum (any time he throws a tantrum and you're home) pick him up and carry him into his room. Set him onto his bed and kneel down in front of him and tell him this, "I love you very much, but it isn't nice to throw fits. When you calm down and stop crying, you may come back out and play." Don't put a time requirement, when he's ready to stop throwing his fit and play nicely, let him come out of his room, but if he comes out and continues with his tantrum, put him back in his room; it's similar to a time out but less of a punishment, because unless he's hitting and being overly aggressive, he doesn't need a time out.

I know you said $$ is tight, it is here too, but you might want to think about putting him in a daycare program a few days a week; the Adventure Center is great; he'll get the socialization he needs and you can get the break that all mothers need once in a while. :) I love Adventure Center ... when my son started going there it was 2 days a week from 8-6 and while it was pricey, it ended up being a great bargain and when my primary babysitter (my grandmother)was hospitalized with congested heart failure, the owner let my son come 2 more days a week w/o charging me so I could go back to work and classes. Their # is ###-###-#### ... but don't mention the 2 days for free, I don't know if they want that getting out. :)Here is their website: http://www.adventurecenterchildcare.com/

Where do you and your family live? I live in Ypsilanti and my son could always use more kids to play with; he goes to day care during the school year so I can work and go to classes, but he always plays near the other kids, but not with them. Maybe we could get together at some point ... although right now might be a bit difficult; I'm on crutches with a broken ankle that it took 3 weeks to diagnose as being broken (long and aggravating story).... either way, I'd invite you over, but I haven't been able to clean my apartment and my husband just veges after coming home from work. Good luck and don't hesitate to contact me if you need more advice. :) Good luck!

You are not a failure! Remember, our job is to set the boundaries and their job is to push against them and get frustrated. Think about how much desire they must have to grow and learn and explore at this age. If they didn't have that motivation they would never start to walk. It's that motivation that makes them so frustrated when you say no.

But, that said, it can be frustrating. When my kids were little I set the expectations up front when we were going someplace that they wouldn't want to leave. So, Burger King Play Place:

1. You must eat before you play.
2. You must be respectful to other kids while playing
3. When it's time to leave you must come directly to me.
4. No whining or crying. Just say, "Thank you for bringing us"

If you don't do this we can't come back for a long time.

I would make them repeat the rules - they still remember

When my kids acted up in stores I did time outs right there. They had to sit on the floor. I would stay near them and wait too. If they start to get up the time out gets longer. Sometimes I would take them out - but that seemed like giving them their way so might have been a reward for misbehaving.

It's tough to stick to it sometimes but they eventually learn that those boundaries are solid so it's not worth trying anymore.

I also always told them that whining just gets you farther from what you want. Or, I can't hear what you are saying when you talk that way.

Good luck! You're doing great!!

You're not a failure...there will be plenty of teen years for you to feel like you failed...okay, lame joke!

Timeouts do work if they are uncomfortable. For my 5yo son, a timeout starts at 10 minutes on the oven timer. ANY whining, arguing or pouting gets an automatic 10 minute increase. Any talking, playing, etc during the timeout also gets a 10 min increase. I don't yell, threaten or count to 3...just say "10 more minutes".

Believe me, it won't take long. It works!

~L.

I really don't have any further advice because the other responses have been great. What I did want to tell you is you are not alone in feeling this way and you are in no way a failure as a mom. I have a 9 and 7 year old and have been struggling with the behaviors with them too. I read in your a little about me section that you would love to meet moms your age and got the impression that they were hard to come by. I don't know what your age is but I am 48 and have been finding mom's my age to connect with. I have found them at church and just at the playground. Good luck with your son and hang in there, you have gotten some great advice, some I may try too. God Bless you and your family K.

Not a failure at being a mommy, everyone has their up's & downs. Stay at home, what is a normal day like at your house, ie, does your son sleep, eat, play, at certain times, or just when ever you get the laundry in, or after vacuming? Children in day care, always have a list of daily activities. 7am arive, 7:15 breakfast, 7:30, clean up,8am to 10am free time, 10am to 11am outside, 11:15 clean up, lunch, rest, and so on. The point is consistency, you are the leader, and he must follow. Everyday have a list prepaired, do the same thing at the same time, mabie read while on the potty, before, or after lunch. At any age kids get into trubble with nothing to do. Wright the list & place on fridge, or somewhere he can see, and begin to read. Bold letters, numbered, times. Buy a timmer at Sally's kids love them, for some reason, and when the time is up, we have to go inside to eat, or whatever is next on the list. Hope this helps.

Bree

Hi S.,
Please know that you are not a failure. So many moms go through this. The toddler/pre-K years are difficult and support is always beneficial. I wanted to let you know about a class that I teach. Surviving the Toddler Years and Beyond. It is a class that incorporates basic behavior strategy, love and logic and emotion coaching as well as provides support to the parent in teaching coping strategies. It has been great to work with other parents and it offers you the opportunity to meet other parents experiencing similar situtions. Feel free to contact me if you would like more information. ____@____.com
Good luck - L.

First of all don't call yourself a failure. Raising children are hard. They don't come with instruction manuals. You will just have to use ur own life skills. Now if you have comcast try on demand for kids there are fun exercises and sing along song that you can do with him. Try taking him to the park. Look in your local newspaper/magazines and see what's going on in your area. Go to Micheals get some large wooden letter that spells his name out and some paint. you guys can decorate them together. Also you said you were struggling with ur weight. Put ur son in a wagon and walk or a stroller. Maybe consider puttn him in a half day headstart program and you can work out and hav self time. We as women sometimes let ourselves go because we have children when don't need to.

I know you have gotten a lot of responses already, but skimming through I realized that my opinion might be a bit different from others, so I thought I should share.
I used to teach kindergarten, before becoming a mother, now I have 3, the oldest is 4.
I think you should totally back off on the learning thing, and I don't think he should go to preschool, or any other structured activity. Kids should be free to run and learn at their own pace util they show that they are interested, even if you have to "home school" until he is 8 or whenever. Unless you are specifically worried about learning disabilities, there is no reason why he should start school early.
When playing with other kids, it is so easy to get overwhelmed. Start with one kid at a time, and do not add more until he can handle a little bit.
Find a nature center or walking trail nearby and go ALL THE TIME. You need to wear this boy out. Show him some positive ways to release all of that energy. And help him find things that he is interested in, like soccer, or bugs.
You might want to tighten the reigns a bit when he is misbehaving, and let him know why. and then when he responds positively, you can loosen them. But make sure he knows that, for example, that the only reason he gets to play with his cousins is that he was such a good helper at the market. But this is a reward for his good behavior, not a bribe.

If you love your son S., which I'm confident that you do, you cannot fail at being a mom. I commend you for looking to improve your SKILLS as a mom. Your son sounds like mine (who is now 25) Between him being self admitted rebellious, though sweet, and me being authoritarian we clashed big time.

I wish I had it to do over...to be engaging as we learned...through play. Especially with boys, and those who want to run the show, learning thru play is crucial. I can give you some ideas on that if you want.

I wish I had it to do over...that I learned earlier to be respectful...I thought love was the same thing as respect. Wow I've had my eyes opened on that one. And it's extra important with boys. I would be happy to share the material I learned about this with.

I remember the pain so clearly of the struggle to understand what motivates my son and how to uniquely discipline him...for his own health in life later on.

Connecting with him on the two previous things and temporarily letting go of the others will help build a strong foundation for good discipling down the road.
Hang in there...don't give up!
blessings,
M.

S. -

It sounds like a bit of it is the transistions. I had that with one of my boys too. With the coming in, or other things - give a warning of time - 10 minutes, 5 minutes, 1 minute, lets go. If he throws the tantrum, then he misses a day of playing with them - but make sure he KNOWS that is coming.

At first - make sure you praise all the good reactions, get him looking for the praise. If you don't say anything and just follow thru with prewarned concequenses, he may start to react just to get you to say something positive.

It sounds like taking away things isn't going to work - have you tried time outs? He should be able to sit in a chair 1 minute for every year old. It sounds like he is very busy and he won't like that. If you may even have to sit with him (not looking at him or saying anything) at first just to get him to sit there. At the end of the time out, tell him thank you for sitting there (once he does it) and then move on to what you were doing before he had to sit.

Hope this helps!

This behavior must be stopped. Institute a behavior modification program with him. Pick things that you want to change. Find something he wants to have or do. That is what he is working for. If he leaves his cousin's house without a fight, goes in the potty, etc., he earns a chip towards the goal. If not, no reward. You might buy the item he wants so it is visible to him; he can touch, but not have it. Put a picture of a place he wishes to go, ie. park, pool, etc. on display. You must be consistent. Do not make it too easy to earn, but not to hard either. Work on one change at a time. Be consistent. Time outs will eventually work but that may involve your participation, remaining with him; holding him, etc. Perhaps he may want more time with dad. That could be a reward. The reward earned must be given as soon as feasible.

Has your son gone to pres-school in the past? If he is 4, I would look into enrolling him for the fall. They are absolutely wonderful at teaching kids structure and learning, which is only going to help him get ready for kindergarden. It sounds like he is bored, which is not a reflection on you, it is hard to entertain little ones all day. As far as the potty, you'd be surprised what a little peer pressure will do once he sees all the other kids at school do it.

S., if it is any consolation, I have 4 1/2 year old twin boys. One of them, this week, pooped on the potty for the FIRST TIME EVER.

Here are my top tips for your comments:
--accept that there are some places that, right now, are too difficult to handle/do with your son. For example, we tried story hour at the library and it was a disaster. I gave up the dream and now choose our activities wisely.
--for things like store trips, build up to a real trip. only go for about 3 things for a while. Then, your child can be successful at behaving and you won't be mad.
--use time outs vigilantly and be firm. You can even make a time out spot anywhere. I just say "that is your time out spot" and make them stand in it.
--get your kiddo into preschool PRONTO. It works wonders. If you can't afford a preschool program, apply for Head Start. He will need to learn some skills for learning before kindergarten.

Good luck!

HI S.
Your not at all a failure. My friends boy didn't poo on the potty till he was 5. Boys are active learners so the sit down stuff doesn't work for them. There is a great book that talks about how boys and girls brains work differently and explains a lot of the behavior. Here's a link to get you some info now... www.rd.com/your-america-inspiring-people-and-stories/how-...

I'd try a bean bag toss game (you can make one up if your crafty) something based off corn hole/bago. You could make the bean bags with different #'s on them, and do your counting as he tosses them in. It will work hand eye coronation too. Count how many steps to the car, or jumping jacks you can do. Maybe a school house rock video would work as well. My daughter love there music, 3 is a magic # sings the 3 times tables, I know they have more of them.
Time outs didn't work for my daughter either. And she'd as easily give up Christmas gifts if she didn't want to eat as well. But they grow out of that. I made sure I talked with my daughter about what I expected before we went some where. I'd tell her what was going to happen, what I wanted when it was time to go. And that I wouldn't take her again if she didn't behave. I also learned to give a count down on time to go. She needed 3-4 notices to handle it better.
Good luck and keep trying you'll find what works for your kid, there all different. A. H

I think it's time you talk to your pediatrician.

What you are describing goes beyond what some would call "Spirited" or "High needs" What you are describing very much fits the pathology of a child with ADHD. Usually no one will want to refer you to a child psych for evaluation at this age (which is why most ADHD dx's are not done until the child has already struggled through 1-3yrs of school without help) You will probably have to really push for that refferal.

Start taking notes of his behavior, videotape it if need be.

My son wasn't dx'd until the end of kindergarten at which point his self worth was in the gutter because in his words he "Couldn't do anything right"

I think the most important thing to remember is that this is not a discipline issue. This is a your child needs special help issue. He cannot stop himself from being energetic and on the go, he cannot stop himself from throwing a fit or being mouthy. All the timeouts and spankings in the world will not "fix" behavior that he has no control over.

So what to do?

Set your child up for success. If he cannot sit through a lesson, let him dance during it. Or have 3-5 minute lesson times during the day instead of 1 long lesson time.

Before you go into a store tell him what your expectations are, and what the consequences will be. Make it logical...a spanking for running off is not logical, however having to ride IN the cart for running off IS logical, as is walking with his hand over his mouth to avoid being loud this acts as a physical reminder that he needs to be quite. Consider that the store may be too stimulating for him as well. He may do better if he wears sunglasses and/or ear plugs in the store. Flourescent lights and loud noises can cause a child's brain to go into overdrive.

When with other children watch how he interacts and how they interact with him. Is he pushy/loud? if so that is a good indication that he has no clue about how to enter play with others, and should be documented.

When it's time to leave play it is helpful to give a countdown. 10 minutes to go, 5 minutes until we leave 4,3,2,1 Time to go. When he is mouthy get down on his level hold him so he's looking at you and firmly tell him "That is not an appropriate way to speak to me, I don't like it." OR you can mirror his feelings back to him in appropriate words. "I understand you are angry that we have to leave"

As for Pooping...he's 4 MOST boys are not fully potty trained until sometime in the 4th year, and even then they often have accidents until they are 6ish. It's more common in kids who may have ADHD because they are so busy doing other things that they quite honestly "forget" they have to go.

In answer to your teaching question, many of the homeschoolers in my group have used www.headsprout.com and are AMAZED at the results! It is about $100 I think, but these kids are reading at a very early age. The kids really enjoy doing it and beg to do the program! Good luck!

Hi S.,

You already got a ton of responses, so I will try to keep it short. First of all, you are being too hard on yourself by thinking you're a "failure." However - and since I don't know you I don't know if this holds true - perhaps your son sees the lack of confidence you have in yourself, and he takes advantage. Kids pick up on stuff like that. If you don't respect yourself, your son is going to have trouble respecting you. 4-year-olds are challenging in so many ways, so just have confidence, believe in yourself and keep doing what you know is best for him and he'll turn out alright!

Take care,
A.