After School Bully

When I was younger, I was never afraid to fight back, no matter how big the other kid was. I did however have a bullying situation in elementary school with some WAY older kids....I just got my sister who was in high school to come meet me after school one day. I never had a problem with those girls again!!! I was always taught to not only defend myself, but to win. My older sister taught me how to fight and take down bigger kids as well. My mother taught me to only fight if someone touches me first. Defending myself was not a problem, but starting a fight would get me a whooping at home.

I would go to the school and request a parent meeting with the other girl parents. I would be EXTREMELY firm, but respectful, and let them know that it stops NOW. If not, I would inform them that I would file a police report.

If it's just one girl bullying, then I would advise my daughter to defend herself...BUT if it's more than one girl, I would definitely step in instead of letting her possibly get jumped.

Hope my advice helped somewhat.

V.

Can she ride her bike/scooter to school? Can she walk a different way? Can she stay after with her teacher and help out a little?

Good Luck,
Leti

I have to agree with some of the other Moms that you should find her a good self-defense class. I was picked on in middle school by a group of girls. Luckily it was durring school hours so the school was responsible for my safety at the time. In our school we had a policy that if you hit back that you are in just as much trouble. I used to and still do think this is outrageous in these situations. At some point you have to defend yourself. As a human you have to learn to stand up and say " I am NOT taking this anymore" I never did this...I let the school take care of it. Now I have a hard time standing up for myself as an adult. Please don't let your daughter take this for too long. Teach her that there are ways to stand up for herself. Maybe help her set up a mediation with the girls and their parents....to help show the other girls that they are not the only humans on this planet and that they cannot treat another person this way. If I could go back, I think I would take the consequence and pop each and every one of those girls right in the nose.

She is going to feel much better about it if she knows that she can defend herself and not get into trouble with it. Talk with the principal of her school and let him know she will be learning to defend herself (it doesn't always have to be physical). If they cannot do anything about it then she will take care of herself!

Just think this way....you can be the nicest person, but you would not let someone sit there and repeatedly hit your car without taking action against them, i.e. call the cops and or filling an insurance claim. If we constantly step down from these bullies, then they win. She will just have to deal with them later on in life because they were never taught a lesson!

Good luck. My heart truly goes out to your daughter and I do hope she will find a way to defend herself!!

I understand I'm picking up on this quite late and hope the problem is resolved, but from experience I would tell you to build your daughters confidence and stay out of it. My sister was picked on in first grade by a boy bully (or so we thought), my sister carried this really cute little purse everyday so my mom put one of those little transisitor radios in it and told her to whack him with it the next time he hit or bit her, needless to say she did. She did have a visit with the principal and the principal asked what she hit him with and my sister replied my purse, the principal looked over at the little purse and laughed (she didn't know about the contents). After that the boy was talked to and expressed how much he liked my sister (he wasnt trying to be mean), he just wanted her attention. I also have a much younger brother who I played mom to alot while I was pregnant with my first child, he was on the football team and had issues. I wanted to fix it and he begged me to stay out of it, because it only made things worse. Once I quit making a deal out of it with the parents/school, he resolved it on his own.

Do to the fact that I know there are bully's, stranger danger and who know's what else, my children have been involved in Karate for the last 3-4 years. My 10 year old daughter is great! It was enough to boost her confidence to deal with such problems. She has been taught by her instructor to walk away if possible, but also taught not to let them get the first punch either. If they go to hit you, you have the greenlight to defend yourself! He teaches the philosophy "if it isn't worth dying for, it isn't worth fighting for", therefore walk away if possible! I personally agree. Kids are going to have problems with others and we have to give them the tools to deal with them themselves. Believe me, I want to fight the battles for them, but I also see the accomplishment they know they've received when they handle it on their own. I'm not saying you'll never have to go to bat for them, just let them try first!

Your child is being attacked by more than one kid. She needs to learn to protect herself. Teach her that it is perfectly ok to hit back...but only in DEFENSE. I understand you don't want to teach her violent tendencies, but she's learning that already.

If she walks home from school, the school isn't responsible for what happens. It doesn't matter if you like it or not. If they were responsible, they'd have someone walking home with every child that a bus doesn't take care of. I don't see that happening. Once your daughter is off from school property, there's nothing they can do. I couldn't say that I'd be able to sit by and video someone attacking one of my kids. It would be nice proof...but I'm too protective myself. Now days, most schools have an on-sight police officer. Take him/her to the side and ask their advice.

If all else fails, tell your daughter to beat the snot out of her attackers. This world isn't a nice place...she's finding that out now. Not many people are going to step in and help. She's going to have to do this on her own. My kids know that I will not put up with them starting fights...doesn't meant that they can't fight back if someone decides they need to be a punching bag. I will not stand by helpless while my kid is being beat up. The system doesn't protect them.(seems like the attackers are protected more) They have to protect themselves.

All in all, I hope your daughter comes out alright. She doesn't deserve to be anyone's punching bag...now or later on in life.

Kids can be so mean. I would find out exactly who this little girl is and have a little talk with her parents. Normally I stay out of all my daughters drama but if it were to ever get physical and abusive then I would feel action was needed. Hopefully she has decent parents that will set her straight. If that doesn't work then I would probably follow her home one day from a far and see what happens...have a little talk with her yourself and if that fails then I would feel no other choice but to teach your daughter to knock her little lights out! Hope you figure it out and put a stop to it, your daughter deserves a great childhood with good memories...not something like this!

Goodluck!

M.

No, it's not wrong. I tell my kids that if they ever need to defend themselves, they have my blessing to kick @$$! They'd better not ever start anything but they can sure finish it. Why should they have to just stand there and take a beating?

How many sidekicks does Princess Bully have? Does your daughter have anyone of her friends she could walk home with or maybe go to there house until you can come and get her? There is safety in numbers.

God bless,

Chris

I would go back to the school and have a long talk with principal. It is the schools job to protect children coming and going to school. In addition I would take a day off work and go to the place where the girls meet up and tell the girls that you intend to talk to thier mom and dads. You could easily find out where they live and really do that. Also many moms stay home, find one in the nieghborhood and ask them to walk your daughter home each day. 9 is young and fear and intimidation from other children is not acceptable. Telling your daughter to hit back is good for extreme situations but in simple fights amoung peers it lead to serious problems.

You've been given alot of good advice. I definately would talk to the school again. And go as far as you need to until it stops. I was always bullied as a kid and never knew how to defend myself with words or actions. It was like I lived in Animal Kingdom...the weaker one (me) always got picked on. It may be hard for your daughter according to her nature, but she must stand up for herself. If she has to get angry and growl at these other girls, so be it. Let her beat her chest and growl strong. Don't back down or they may keep at it.

If your daughter can ride her bike to and from school, it may be enough just to avoid the girls. I would also contact the school again just to ensure that they were aware of the issue. Self defense classes might help- if nothing else, it will help build up her self esteem, which is usually what gets trampled on the most in bullying cases. If you have a neighbor or friend that might be able to start picking her up from school, that might help too. Surely there is a neighborhood mom that wouldn't mind giving her a lift. Us moms have to stick together! My heart breaks for you and your daughter, S.. I remember just how devastating bullies can be. Take heart that the school year is almost over.

Be proactive NOW! You just never erally know how far thinisg will go. Show up half way in bewteen your home and her school and catch this lil' bully red handed. Have the police there with you. Thisis serious. Don't wait too long. If the bully is stopped now all kids involved just may end up with a more enjoyable school year. J.:)

S.,
I might not sound like a typical mom. But when I was younger I used to be bullied because of using braces and glasses so go figure! when my mom called the bullies moms it actually made things worse and they picked on me more, what made it worse is that i was a nerd so it was easier to pick on me and they made me their after school "project".. anyways, dad God bless his heart enrolled me in self-defense classes. they are great because they build confidence and I started walking and talking differently.. I am not telling you to ask your daughter to hit kids around but she should know how to defend herself.. Call the school principal and tell him/her of the situation and meanwhile provide your kid with the neccessary means to protect herself.
I was reading this article in the latest issue of reader's digest about kids being sued at very young age and I did not think for a second that it is silly because some kids are really cruel, so you can call the parents and be as mean as you could and threat to sue them and the school as well.. That'll show them!
Take care

Do not be timid about taking care of this. Talk to the principal again. Make sure he or she takes it seriously. This is a big problem that is often made worse because teachers, administrators, students, and other parents do not recognize bullying as a threat to the life and safety of the bullied.

At its core can be a lack of self respect by any of those people and a failure to require respect for others among students and teachers.

Get a book by Barbara Coloroso called, The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander From Pre-School to High School — How Parents and Teachers Can Help Break the Cycle of Violence.

Does she have a friend that she can walk with? Try talking to other parents of children that also have to walk home. Maybe they can walk as a group. Honestly, the school can't do much about something that happens off campus. It needs to be dealt with the parent or guardian of this bully. Sorry that your daughter is going thru this, but I will send up a prayer for her and you. Best of luck.

wow, that's hard. I would address with school again and request that the other parents get involved, it's more professional and appropriate for the school to handle. If that doesn't work, I would (if you can do this)meet her and walk home with her on occasion. Or perhaps let her ride a bike or scooter. And more importantly, the only way to stop the bullying or it progressing (b/c it can) is to take the matter into her own hands and stand up to them. Even if it is just staring them in the eyes and firmly saying no or stop and to protect herself. I am against fighting but I would not let my little (9yr old) girl) hit first but would NOT punish her if she was taking up for herself and we make sure she knows that she would not be punished by her parents. Is there another friend that could walk with her? These would be the avenues I would take.

Hi there S.,

Wow, I'm terrified of this happening to my daughter. But you not need feel sorry for her or yourself, it's just another step in life, my opinion. Um, what I would ask you first is have you talked to her about bullies and why most of them lash out at kids? How does that girl treat her while at school (classmates, same grade)? Also you might want to let her know that when you do fight back there are consequences and they might just go after you anyways.

What I would suggest is talking to your teacher first, and ask for her advice, if you feel that didn't help then go to the principle. But one major thing is talk to your daughter. How does she feel about it? Is it hurting her self-esteem, does she brush it off, how is it affecting her? If it's not that bad, just tell her to walk up to her bully before she starts to bully her and ask her over or ask if she got the same question in a test or something. The bully might freak out, and if she does, then have your daughter say, oh ok, I'll go ask someone else. If that doesn't work, or if she's afraid. Ask if there is an afterschool program so she can stay and do her homework or something, enroll her in dance or some other type of lessons, where they pick her up from school and take her. And I would suggest asking her bully if she wants to do that with her, it's up to your daughter.

I like the staying at school a bit longer. But remember the number one thing to do is to have your daughter taunt her bully right back, confrentation can make things worse. Watch a show, called surviving motherhood on TLC, they have great tips.

CJR, Wish you and your daughter best of luck!

S., honey my heart goes out to you. I remember how bullying can be. It tears the victom up inside because they are not defending themselves. Theres alot of good advise you've been given. Your child's world is insecure till she gets home.I think about how she must feel, Find away and some time to put her in self defense class of some sort like mentioned in the other emails. She is going to have anger locked inside and lower her self esteem, identity and what she thinks of herself. I had to stand up for myself at a young age and like you I have a problem with standing up for myself with some people as an adult till I got divorces then I had to go about things all different because I couldnt worry about what people thought or if I made so and so mad. I'm the one who is going to get what I need for me and my kids. Guess what people respect me more left and right. YOU HAVE TO SAY NO THIS IS MY LIFE THIS IS MY KIDS LIFE AND GET YOURS. You have to let her see a difference in you to, you have to stand up for what you want and believe, God dont make junk so he made you the way you are so what you want does matter, take your positions now. Say NO to all of these people on your territory. Meet with the school and those parents. If these are parents that don't care, then your daughter doesnt care,PUT HER IN SOME HARD A-- SHOES PUT SOME RINGS ON HER FINGERS AND HAVE HER JUST KICK AND PUNCH AND FEEL COMFORTABLE JUST LIKE IT WAS SIBBLING AND GO AT IT TILL SOMEONE PULLS YOU OFF. When your daughter stands up for herself more than likely those girls will try and be her friend then OR totally leave her alone. Right now they're seeing a punching bag for the hate and frustrations they have in their life, and use you as a punching bag or jelous of you or see something in themselves they don't like, she's just helping them feel temporarily good. DO SOMETHING. Your daughter's self esteem only goes up when her parents interest is her 100% Ga I wish I could take my son, neice and their friends to meet with her after school they are all 9-11 they'd have fun making those girls wish they'd took another route home. My son had to defend himself when he was young he had an abnoxious personality,he now has the respect of older kids and they actually look to play neighborhood sports with him but he had to fight a few to get there, my daughter was bullied one day on the bus by a girl 3 grades ahead of her so I just started taking her to school. Then my daughter never had anymore problems I guess maybe because she was always a car rider after that then by the time she was in junior high she just has that kind of personality that people like, but yeah I believe if I would have left her on that bus or let her walk it would have ruined her self-esteem instead of being the little feisty go getter she is today. Good luck and let me know if you need to borrow some kids because my kids will be there. If I knew what school district this is I would know if your wasting your time on talking with the parents or the school. Wb and let us know the outcome.

S.,
Im so sorry what your little girl is going through. What I would do is call the cops. Im sure your daughter knows who these girls are and they can track them down. The parents will have to face their childrens actions. They will get into trouble if their children continue to do fisical harm to another child I promise. The best way to go is to call the cops, dont let her dirty her hands with those little bastards. If you can catch them on tape that is even better but make them get what they deserve, I bet you just seeing a cop will have them think twice before hitting your kid again.

I think you should tell her to defend herself...My son had that same problem and me and my husband were always telling him...you don't fight you just go tell someone..but there are times when they have to defend themselves....so my advice to you is the same one I gave my son a couple of years ago....defend yourself if you have to...if you get in trouble I will deal with it...hopefully that'll keep those bullies from hitting her every afternoon...if that doesn't work file a police report...I know its a little to far cuz they are only nine but you have to stop a bully now when they are young to know the consequences...I hope this helps..

M.

I would find out about where this occurs then I would have someone filming the action while it occurs. Of course, don't tell your daughter until it is over with. It is hard to refute photographic evidence. There are many ways to accomplish this but its best to get their face and outfits from the front and then continue filming as they go past. Many schools have a no tolerance policy whether it is on school grounds or in transit to and from school. If you teach your daughter to strike out at them she will learn that it is okay to fight fists with fists. I prefer to fight fists with video. Then you give a copy to the school and reserve a copy to share with the world if necessary. I would then type a letter to submit it to the school that notifies them that if appropriate actions are not taken, then you will take further action. Lately there has been a lot of attention on school issues on the news. You can watch and get the names of the reporters and submit a copy to them if the school does not do what it is supposed to do.
C.

S.,

You will need to go back to the school and make another complaint. This is super important. The kids that are doing this, need to be dealt with. If not, they will just continue their bad behaivor and it will worsen with time. I suggest that the counselor of the school talk to your daughter, help her understand bullies and that this situation has nothing to do with her. Then counsel the offenders separtely, then bring them all together for a complete resolution and understanding.

Not to get on the boat with your drama queen, but honestly, this is what leads to Columbine. I am not suggesting that your daughter would get to that point, but there are kids that mentally can not handle this type of mental torture. It leads to devasting consequences. Most school districts are much better equiped to deal with this type of situation now.

Good luck to you!

G. Q

hi S.
it's a shame that things like this are going on. i would get in touch with the school again and make a fuss about this bullying. encourge your girl to walk home with friends. get her to do self defence classes they are very good for building self confindance
good luck

My mother told me when I was little that I had the right to take up for myself. Even if that meant getting physical. she said that as long as I didnt start it she would stand behind me all the way. I was picked on all through school and never fought for myself. I wish that I had. If you feel this is the right path for you and your child then take it. Maybe even enroll her in self defense or martial arts so she understands the disipline and if necesarry can take care of herself with out too much injury to herself or her antagonist.

Hi,

I AM NEW TO THE AREA AND THIS SOURCE, BUT I COULD NOT HELP BUT WRITE TO YOU. SO GLAD TO HEAR THAT YOU HAVE IT UNDER CONTROL FOR NOW. I WANT TO SHARE WITH YOU SOMETHING. WHEN MY DAUGHTER WAS IN THE 9TH GRADE, A BULLY DID THIS TO HER AT HER FLAG CORP PRACTICE AFTER SCHOOL. THE MOM OF THE BULLY WAS ONE OF THE "MOM SPONSORS" THAT HELPED THE VOLUNTEER "MOM COACH"
AFTER A FEW TIMES OF PICKING MY DAUGHTER UP FROM PRACTICE AND SHE WOULD CRY AND TELL ME WHAT WAS GOING ON, I CALLED THE MOM COACH (WHO WAS A FRIEND OF MINE) AND INQUIRED ABOUT IT. SHE DID NOT SEEM TO KNOW WHAT WAS GOING ON (YEA RIGHT)BOTH OF HER DAUGHTERS WERE ON THE TEAM. SEE, MY DAUGHTER WAS THE PAGEANT QUEEN OF THE AREA, STATE AND SOME NATIONAL ONES TOO. BUT WE DID NOT TALK ABOUT IT TO OTHER PEOPLE BECAUSE WE DID NOT WANT TO SEEM THAT THIS WAS ALL WE THOUGHT ABOUT. IF SHE WERE ASKED QUESTIONS OR GIVEN A COMPLIMENT, SHE WAS TO JUST SAY THANKYOU HUMBLEY AND GRATEFULLY.BUT THE BULLY WAS VERY JEALOUS AND KEPT ON AND ON. PUSHING AND TALKING OUTLOUD IN FRONT OF EVERYONE AND TEASING HER OF HER ACCOMPLISHMENTS. I LOOKED UP ON THE NET AND FOUND OUT (WE LIVED IN GA AT THE TIME) THAT THIS WAS ILLEGAL (BULLYING) AND THAT THE SCHOOL CAN BE HELD RESPONSIBLE IF NOTHING IS DONE ABOUT IT. ALSO, THAT I COULD FILE A SUIT AGAINST THE PARENTS OF THIS GIRL. I WAS ON THE WAR PATH. FIRST I WENT TO THE SCHOOL AND SPOKE TO THE REAL TEAM COACH AND THE BAND DIRECTOR. THEY CLAIM TO NOT BE AWARE OF THE PROBLEM. THEY ASKED ME IF I WOULD CONCIDER A MEETING AFTER SCHOOL WITH ALL THE GIRLS INVOLVED TO TALK IT OUT. WE DID. THE GIRLS STARTED CRYING BUT DENIED IT AND WOULD NOT APPOLOGIZE TO MY DAUGHTER. THEN IT KEPT ON. SO I MET WITH THE PRINCIPAL AND THE COACH AND THE BAND DIRECTOR. I INFORMED THEM THAT I WAS FILING A CLASS ACTION AGAINST THEM AND THE SCHOOL BOARD FOR NOTHING BEING DONE.I NEVER INTENDED THIS TO GO THIS FAR. THEN, IT STOPPED FOR A WHILE- JUST LIKE YOURS DID.SO THE NEXT TIME I HEARD ANYTHING, I WENT FORWARD WITH THE SUIT. U WOULD NOT BELIEVE HOW THAT STOPPED THE PROBLEM AND THE GIRL WAS SUPENDED FROM THE TEAM. I NEVER WANTED IT TO GO THAT FAR, BUT IT IS VERY ILLEGAL FOR BULLYING TO GO ON. KIDS HAVE DIED BEFORE IT IS STOPPED.
GOOD LUCK AND KEEP AN EYE ON HER- NEVER LET THEM THINK THAT YOU ARE NOT WATCHING OUT FOR HER.
S

I'm sorry to be so cold, but if this were my daughter, I would do anything possible so that someone walks with her.. a couple of friends, a neighbor parent, etc.
Then, I would put her on a karate class, teach her some self defense moves.. simple ones.. ones that you can do, and leave whoever is bothering you with a taste of "See how this feels".

I agree with trying to resolve this in a nice maner with schools and all, but sometimes we need to teach our kids some basic self defense...
Because that is what it is.. "self defense".

SHE IS BEING ATTACKED... DO NOT LET HER THINK THAT SHE SHOULD WAIT AROUND FOR SOMEONE TO RESCUE HER. SHE NEEDS TO LEARN THIS ON HER OWN TOO.

And offcourse this wouldn't make it a fight.. because she is defending herlself.

I mean, what would you do if someone came up to you and hit you?

Would you wait to tell her mom, or go tell the cops, and meanwhile this person still hurts you while you stand it?

No.
Absolutely not. I am sorry, but if this happens too often to your daugther, it's about time she tells them to stop defending herlself too..

Poor girl. Be by her side, no matter what she decides to do.

By the way, my husband happened to read this, and he suggest buying your daughter pepper spray.

I hope this helps.. and I am sorry this is happening to your child.

God bless you,
C.