I am engaged to be married to a wonderful man. I have my own child, 7, who is autistic. He's a wonderful boy. My fiance has a son, also 7, who isn't a bad kid, he just needs some guidance and discipline. The main problems I'm having with him being in my home (they moved into my house) is that he takes advantage of my son, tries to get him in trouble. Now, my son, being autistic, will go along with anything anyone tells him to do, which is frightening to me. He is also disrespectful of my house. He goes through my things and hides them. We have been missing numerous items since he moved in from scissors (dangerous to any child if they run with), to prescription medicine (dangerous because he can open child proof containers). He was peeing on the floor and blaming it on my son, until he finally fessed up. He has drawn on my doors with permanent marker, made holes in the walls, broken a door. he hasn't had a stable life with his father (his mom left when he was a baby, he's been raised by his dad alone or with ex-girlfriends along the way or his grandmother) I know it isn't the child's fault how he was raised, but I feel a lot of stress on my shoulders now to try to give him the life every child deserves. I find myself resenting him some of the time, because my life seemed so simple before with just myself and my son. i guess what I need advice on is how to get him to understand the rules, respect my house/and all belongings (car, etc), respect myself and his father, be nice to my son (my son has ended up with a bloody mouth/nose twice in the past 2 weeks because of him), quit taking my things and hiding them in my house, and to quit trying to act like he's the adult in the house (he thinks it's cool to drink coffee and tells people beer is his favorite drink).
Thanks everyone for your advice. His father and I have been to 2 therapy sessions already. I am pushing for his son to go to therapy, unsuccessfully so far. I am determined to try everything i can. I have been single for 7 years because I was afraid of never finding anyone to be a wonderful dad to my son, my fiance is AMAZING with my son....it's just his that he's not so good with. Do you think therapy will benefit a 7 year old? My fiance seems to think it won't, but my first major in college was psychology, so I know enough to know that it should benefit all of us. I will do what is best for my son, if I feel like my soon to be stepson will be any more of a danger to him, they are out the door in a flash. I hate to put it so harshly, but my son is my #1 concern, that will never change.
I suggest family counseling for all of you. This is huge and the fact that you're all living under O. roof means that everyone's actions are going to affect ALL of the others. I hope you realize that marrying this man (and accepting this boy) is a life long commitment, warts and all.
First of all deep breath...you are putting way too much pressure on yourself. This is clearly upseting you but this is the dad's problem. You need to sit down with him. Tell him the things that are bothering you. The dad needs to set a plan in place to fix this behavior. You are not this child's mother and if you suddenly act like one-he will hate you and resent you forever. Let dad tell him the rules (that are presented as his rules) and what dad has put in place for punishment....therefore you are only reinforcing "dad's rules". This child can not undo 7 years of raising your child so stop worring about that...it will take some time and you and the dad need to be strong together but you can fix this...this has workedfor me and people i know...have patience it will work out.
I don't mean to be harsh or mean but, think about what you are getting yourself into before you marry this man. Counseling is good, but it starts at home. You failed to mention the role of this childs father. You shouldn't be stressed out over somebody elses child. Your life was stable before the 2 of them moved in, and it should be that way now. It seems that the father has no control over this kid. You should not have to settle for this because you have a child of your own thats autistic and he needs you to be there for him. This other child is mistreating your child. Don't marry this man until you and your fiancee have and understanding regarding this rude child. It will not work until something is done about your fiancee's child.
Wow this child deff. seems to have some behavior issues you need to get him to a councilor asap before someone gets really hurt talk to his ped. if you are in Louisville their is a place called the bingham child guidance center they are awesome!
First take a deep breath and then realize you cannot parent a child that is not your own. It's his father's job to parent him. I question how wonderful he is with your son if he allows his son to manipulate and blame yours. YES, counseling will help this child but only if his dad is on board to help and guide his son. The lack of stability in his life has affected him because he doesn't know who to trust and believe in because people keep leaving him. Recognize his behavior will get worse before it gets better. His father is the one who needs to get him to understand rules and respect others. Please pay very close attention to what your fiance says and does regarding his son. He is telling you who he is and you need to listen.
I think couseling for the boy would be extremely helpful. It will help him learn to deal with the changes in his life, as well as accepting that you will be a permanent figure. If counseling for children was not helpful, the children with major issues like autism, adhd, and other issues that I really cannot think of names right now would not benefit. My nephew received counseling at 5 yrs old and it was a huge help. One thing not to do is make the counseling out to be something that will change him. It is something to help him deal with the changes. BTW,my daughter will be receiving counseling soon to help her learn the right ways to deal with frustrations and other things in her life. She is 10.
This is hard. Once children are of the age of 6-8, their patterns are set. And coming on board at this time, the child doesn't see you as a parent. You will need lots of support and help from your new husband to turn things around. He will need to give you respect (alot) in front of this child to make a statement that you are now in charge. You may want to find some professional help to pull this new family together.
Good luck
I agree with Kathy. The poor kid is acting out maybe because he is testing to see if another woman figure is going to be and out of his life and he doesn't know how to express his anger. It seems like this is way beyond anything you can do at home. I would get professional family conseling before it becomes fatal. He has been unstable for so long he doesn;t know anything else. His father needs to be behind you. And coming from one step mom to another this could be a battle. Don't give up and good luck
