Advice on Possibly Moving

Hi N. - I have made long-distance moves twice. The first time from Memphis (where I grew up) to Dallas and then from Dallas to Chicago five years later. It is always an adjustment but we think of it as an adventure. I have always wanted to live all over the country, so even though I was a little scared, I wanted to move. You have to do what is right for your family and your husband's career. And, you really have to embrace the decision. I haven't lived in my hometown for more than 10 years and sometimes I get homesick. But, then we just go visit!

12 years ago my husband took a job in Northwest Indiana and we moved from La. with a teenager and a toddler. It was TOUGH! Our closest relative was 15 hours away. To make it worse, my family seemed to feel as if we had abandoned them and made no effort to visit or keep in touch. I was the one who moved so it was my responsibility.
Add to that a husband who was work obsessed (18 hour days, 6 and a half days a week) my kids and I was miserable. After blaming/hating my husband for 2 years, I finally decided to bloom where I was trans-planted and got involved. I made friends outside of my work and his work, joined a book club, joined a church, found a new house in a nearby town that I liked better than the area we were renting.
Fast forward 12 years, we are facing a move again, this time down south, and my son (now 14) hates the idea of it. BUT having done it once, I know we can do it again. My advice to you, is decide to bloom where you are planted. Make the best of it. Get out and meet people. Connect through something that already gives you pleasure--books, crafting, sports, whatever it is. There are great people everywhere.

Go for it! I grew up in a corporate family where we moved every few years it seemed. There are pros and cons to everything, but overall it was a great experience. It taught me that I could make friends anywhere and gave us the chance to see different parts of the country. Kids are very, very resilient, especially at such young ages. It's definitely tougher in the high school years, so enjoy it now. And you will see your family - when you do, it's fun because you live together for the weekend or week vs. just drop in. It's a different and nice way to be together. So, if it's a good opportunity for your husband and family, give it a try. It could be a great experience and if it's not, you can always come back home!

I had the same experience and we did move. Last year we moved to the Twin Cities. It was not a hard decision for us, because it's my husband's career and after my son was born, I kinda gave up on mine for awhile (I was working, but I was not the breadwinner by any means). So we moved and at first things were great. I couldn't find work and that kinda hurt my self esteem a little. However, when I got over that, this has been the best year ever! I have loved exploring a new city, making great friends, and learning more about myself and independence. Also, I have to say I LOVE not having family obligations every weekend. I love that we can just hang out or go somewhere without having to schedule it around a birthday party or visit to the g.parents. Don't get me wrong, I miss my family at home, but it has been great family time here. My mom was very unhappy (of course), she was afraid that my son would forget her and she wouldn't have a bond with him, but being away has made it so much stronger. We call her on a daily basis almost, it just takes a little effort. But now we have an opportunity to come back.
If you want to chat a little more send me a message. And by the way, this was WAY out of my comfort zone too. I was told that out of anyone in our family, I was the last person they thought would move away. But again, I've loved being away.

when i was 8 months pregnat my husband got offerd a better paying job about 2 hours from all our family. now its not 8 hours thats for sure but i will tell you that it is super hard just living 2 hours from my family. we have lived 2 hours away for 6 months now and it is still hard. i miss my family a lot, they only see our little girl once a month. and since they dont see her a lot she doesnt really know who they are and sometimes she crys at them. i think for you it would be a harder move because your kids a older. they already know your family. the move may hurt them and bother them more then it does you. well i hope this helps a little. i will tell you that its hard but if its a better thing for your family sometimes you just have to go for it.

Hi N.!
First let me apologize for what will be a long post :) What a hard decision to make. My husband and I recently went through the same thing. My husband's company closed his office in Virginia and relocated the HQ to Chicago. He was one of only 4 people in VA offered a relocation package. We were very torn on what decision to make. We had recently purchased a house and both of my husband's brothers were located within 5 miles of us. Our parents were still 5/6 hours away but still not that bad. He tried to find other jobs but within a month we new that for his benefit we needed to accept the relocation offer. Literally 4 days after we signed the paperwork we discovered we were expecting our first child and would now be 15 hours away from all family and friends.
For us it has been very difficult. We have spent all of our Holidays alone and our families have only gotten to see our little Oliver twice and he is now 9 months old. It has been extremely difficult to meet people and we don't have anyone to help us with little Oliver which is overwhelming. We are desperate to move home b/c we miss our families sooo much. But ironically, we do really like Chicago.
I think it is ultimately your decision and you must base it off of your and your families needs. 8 hours really isn't that bad, and whether you decide to move with your husband or not you are still close enough for quality weekends :) You should evaluate the new location and see what it has to offer and really evaluate the whole situation. Although we have been terribly lonely, my husband accepting the transfer was one of the best decisions we could have made. He has achieved great things and the people in his company really look up to him and value his advice. He also feels that he has learned so much and been given opportunities that he would not have gotten if he had moved to another company.

I wish you the best of luck with your decision as I know it is not an easy one.

I had kids after I moved away from home. It is a 13 hour trip by car and neither my husband nor I are good long distanced drivers. Since airfare X 6 is getting too costly we hardly ever get to go home now. My husband's family is local but my kids have almost no connection with my family and I really regret that. It may be different for your kids since they have been around your family for awhile before the move...

It's not easy to move somewhere far away from friends and family. We lived in Florida for almost 2 years (and our family is here in WI and MN) and while it's sometimes hard, I often miss it! We made some great friends who became our family without the unspoken obligation of doing all of the family-related things. We simply couldn't see everyone--or anyone--at holidays and we were able to focus on our own family and start creating our own special traditions. It was a whole lot less traveling, too! Now that we're back, while I love our family, I sometimes wish I didn't have to worry about having to go to so-and-so's for the extended family Christmas event or drive to that 50th anniversary open house for an aunt & uncle because it's within two hours of driving and we really should be there... So, there are pros and cons. Only you and your husband will really know what you can do, but sometimes you have to take risks to grow and have a bit of an adventure--God will take care of you!

Well I have some experience with moving as a child and as an adult. My dad was military and we moved a twice when I was 2 years old and 4 years old. I don't even remember the moves much at all...I adjusted without incident.

We moved again when I was 13 to the other side of the country and I cried for a month. Then we moved back to my hometown and I cried for a year.

Then my husband finished college and got his first job offer in his hometown which is 16 hours from my family. We were living within walking distance of my brother, five minutes from my mother and 15 minutes from my other brother. Within two hours of my mothers family and 13 hours from my dad's. I did not want to move. I thought it was a bad idea because we were moving from a very low cost of living area to this area which has some of the highest cost of living in the nation (especially property taxes which typically aren't counted in cost of living for some reason???)

Needless to say I was a grouch and bitter for about two or three years. It has been nine years now and I still don't like it but I've accepted it and I have decided to make the best of it. We are still struggling because of the economy here and I don't see any relief for a few more years. I have become very close to my husband's family which is such a joy. I have grown to love his mom and dad like my own parents. His brothers and sisters, aunts and uncles and extended family are all great. That makes the whole deal here in Hellinois bearable.

I really think at six and two, your kids will adjust fine. They will talk about their relatives, but after awhile they will set right into the routine that you set. It will be much harder for you and your husband. Things I think you need to consider:

1.) How close are you to your relatives and how much do you depend on them for support and interaction?

2.) What is the cost of living difference between here and where you are going? And especially the property taxes because that really is a big factor that isn't typically considered in those cost of living calculators that you see on the internet.

3.) Do you own your home here and are you willing to wait as long as a year or more to sell it? That is if you have to sell your home...hopefully his company will buy it.

4.) Did they offer you a relocation package that will move you, store your stuff for as long as needed, and provide you with rent while you are looking for a new home? How much will it cost you and how much did the give you? Is it enough?

5.) Do you need the money from your existing home to put down on a new home?

6.) Is there a big cultural difference between this area and the one you are going to? I find that southeners don't have much trouble adjusting wherever they go (except for the cold) because they are very laid back typically and low key. People from the north have trouble going south because of the heat and the lifestyle differences. Northerners typically are very annoyed with the slower pace, the laid back attitudes, and the spreadout nature of the communities down south. It drove my husband crazy when he was young. He misses it now but he's a more mature man with children so now those are things he would appreciate.

7.) If you are going south, do you have issues with minorities? The area I was from was about 65% black if not more. I personally miss the interactions with my black friends and the culture. Here the only black people I interact with are a few at church. There is only one family in my neighborhood out of 400 homes.

Finances I suppose should be one of your big priorities. But I think interaction with your family should also be a big factor. My father's family is in Michigan. That is six hours away and we see them once a year. My family is in South Carolina and that is 16 hours away. Some years I see them twice a year and others just once. We live near my husband's family here in Illinois and I'm so glad they are here. I wouldn't have lasted this long without them. Family is very important to us.

So I hope I gave you some things to think about. And I hope it helps. Good luck!!

We were recently wrestling with the opportunity to move back to South Carolina. It turned out the company wasn't going to do all the things they said they would initially like buy our house and pay for storage and so forth...so ultimately we didn't move. It wasn't worth it. WE would have spent $42,000 to move and then had to live with my mom for who knows how long until our house sold. So we didn't do it. I was sad but it was the best decision.

Good luck!!

I was so lonely when I,oved here almost 8 years- after a year of lonliness I joined matchingmoms.org and met some people, started a weekly play group, a scrapbooking group and I am now so happy I would never move even though my family is all in WI. I would suggest joining a newcomers group or a mothers and more group. good luck!

We've done many long distance moves. Moving can be exciting, a new place, a new region to explore, being a "tourist" in your new city. That said, it can also be hard (you have to start over again making new friends, finding new doctors, finding babysitters, etc). We have moved all over the place, and it was very exciting for us. It was also a very lonely time for me: husband with a new job (= long hours), no one to talk to as a SAHM, and no family support. I think family support was the biggest deal for me (watching all of the people around me at the holidays, or even just to grandma's for babysitting so I could get a break)...

We eventually discovered the importance of the guest room. We lived in a place once where the visiting family had to sleep on a sleeper sofa in the living room (no one came often). Now that we have a proper guest room (with a door) for them to sleep, they visit more often and stay longer.

Eight hours sounds like that is very "do-able" in terms of long weekend trips. Talk with the grandparents and see if they are willing to fly, drive, or take the Amtrak train to see you in your new city (and how many times a year they are willing or able to do that). That might help you make your decision.

As far as the moving goes, try to have family come out with you to watch the kids for a week or two so you can unpack and get the new place in order. I think that your two year old should adjust pretty well, it might be your 6 year old that might miss his old room and his old friends at school. Let him make the decision as to how his new room will be painted, decorated, etc..., let him help pack and label, and that should help him transition a little better.

Get out there as soon as you can in your new city and explore what is out there for you! Do research before you go to find local mom's groups, play groups, library storytime, park district classes, etc... and once you get there, go to them! That is how you will meet friends and begin to establish your new support network.

Have fun with it, and think of it as an adventure!!! If you have any other questions, feel free to email me.

Good luck!
M.

Hi N.! I too moved about 6 hours away from family, friends, etc. It was a hard decision to make and everyone has to go with what they are led to do. For us it was a matter of my husband working or not. I will tell you that even though it has been hard it has SOOO pulled my family together- my husband and the kids and I have become soo close. We have had to depend on each other a lot more and I truly believe God led us here for a reason. Our paths would have been so different if we had chosen to stay back home. I would tell you to pray about it and go with your instincts. Good luck! :)

I can't tell if you want to move or not. I didn't but my brother and his wife and their son moved a couple of years to (yes an Island!) and thought that they didn't want to say 'never say never' meaning they didn't want to look back and think they could have done something and they didn't. On the other hand it looks like you have everything you need right here and after watching so many people uproot in this lifetime, and find they did have it right at home my thoughts are that you ought to stay around until you are absolutely sure. I don't know how old your parents are, but even an hour and a half away was too far for me when my dad was dying. I wished then I had lived closer. So it's really about making a choice based on what's more important to you and you'll figure it out.

Hi. My best frined moved a little over 2 years ago. She only moved about 2 1/2 hours away, but they are very happy. They left all of their family/friends and the only real complaint she has in when they have an "emergency" type situation...there isn't family to call. She has lucked out and made great friends there whom she can call at any time to watch her kids. Other than not having family to babysit, they are 100% happy with their decision to move. Good Luck!

N.,

My husband & I have never lived near family (either side). We just relo'd here two years ago. What you have to know is that you have to depend on each other for everything. You have to be willing to step up & find new friends (get involved, join things, participate in lots of things, etc....). It's the only way to meet new people in a town where you know no one. You will need to set up a support network all over again. I would highly recommend finding the right neighborhood. Do not move where there are not other mom's & kids. If you put yourself in the heart of people in the same stage of life as you - it's easier to bond & make friends quickly. I found babysitters through our pre-school (teachers were more than willing to babysit) & through friends recommendations. It's not easy at first - but we absolutely love it here now. You'll be amazed at how you grow as a person, grow in your marriage, how your kids grow because they create a whole new set of friends.... We look at life as an adventure & if you never step out of your comfort zone & stretch & grow (both as a person & family) - it's not all that interesting... Hope this helps.... I'm a mom of three (under 5).... Good Luck with your decision.

New friends can be made anywhere but the lack of grandparents in the boys lives is emotionally harmful to the boys and the grandparents. They all 4 need eachother. If there's no way around it there is nothing you can do but call eachother every weekend etc. It was awefully hurtful to my 2 when they were growing up because my parents moved to Florida and we only got to see them at Christmas time. My children grew up extremely close to my inlaws, and they were wonderful people but older and passed when my kids were 7 and 3. My kids always spoke of gramma and granpa as their grandparents with no regard to my parents at all. My mother still struggles with the lack of closeness to my daughter but my mom is still in Florida 8 months a year. Please learn from this. It was the hard way for my kids.

Hi N.,

If it makes you feel any better, we moved 8hours away on a plane ride! I have never lived anywhere but the Chicago suburbs and our families are very tight. You should do what is best for your family. (this provided me the chance to stay home with my boys for a few years). The experience can be challenging but a couple of things to keep in mind:
1 - you make the most of the experience, just like in life. If you get out there and try to make friends, you will.
2- if you are positive about it, it will be easier on your kids
3 - with this day and age of technology, you can stay very "close" with your family. We have a webcam that cost only about $40 and we bought one for each family member. We subscribe to Skype.com (free service) and we talk to our families on a regular basis. The grandparents just got to see their grandson walking for the first time recently. We do birthdays on Skype too.

It is very hard and there is a lot of guilt in having the kids away from their grandparents and cousins, but at least for us, we are not here permanently. And we do try to mail letters and notes, and talk weekly on the phone and webcam to keep everyone connected. Picture books are great too (you can make one with snapfish.com or just a regular scrapbook).

Good luck with your decision. Follow your heart.

Denise

We just did what you are thinking of doing. My husband and I are both from Chicago and our whole families are there, except for his brother and family. They're in Oshkosh, WI so now we see them even less. We moved from Chicago to Cincinnati in June, with a 2 1/2 year old and an 8 week old. Now my daughter is 6 months and our son will be 3 in a few weeks. It's tough.

The positives: We live in an area with much more affordable housing, so we have a home that is much larger than anything we'd be able to afford in Chicago. Our kids have a ton of space and we're very comfortable. I've been forced to leave my comfort zone, which could seem like a negative but I'm trying to look at it positively - I'm learning to be more self-sufficient everyday. My husband's job is definitely a positive. It's his dream job and now he can say he's had a chance to see if it's right for him.

The negatives: I'm lonely :( People said that once our son started preschool, I'd meet a ton of people, but that hasn't been the case. There are several very nice families that live on our street, and we've been blessed by their kindness, but there is really no one my age (I'm 33) in our neighborhood and our kids are definitely among the youngest. If I was working, perhaps I'd find a friend, but because my kids are young and I'm still housebound for naptime, I don't get out much. Another negative is that my family doesn't get to see how much the kids are growing and changing each day. For me, I'm glad to have a little distance between some family members. But for them, this is torture. And, my mom especially has been difficult to deal with and sends a lot of guilt our way.

There is so much to this decision, believe me. My husband said he wanted to come here, so it was up to me if we did. I didn't think that was fair, so I said he needed to choose, but I would support his decision. I hope for us that this is not a long-term move. I'd suggest for you that you make sure you have an out if it really doesn't work for you in a few years. But, from what my friends who've done this have told me, it does take a few years to really settle in anywhere so be prepared to give it a fair shot. The one thing that I'm really glad for is that my husband and I are being given an opportunity to really become a family with our kids. We've lived so close to our parents and siblings for so long that we've only really spent family time with extended family. Now it's just the four of us and I really enjoy how we're learning to work together as a team. And, friends have also told me that this really brings husbands and wives closer together. That is definitely a plus.

If you have any questions, I'd be glad to talk to you more about this topic. I went to talk to our pastor before I made my final decision and it really helped. This is tough, I know. Good luck :)