Advice on Older Child

Kids are going to be kids at any age. It doesn't matter if they're 2 years or 10 years apart. I tormented my little brother and he's 6 years younger than me. My kids are 14, 8 and 23 months. The 8 year old and 23 month old fight as much as the 8 and the 14 year old do. The good thing about it is that even though they'll fight and argue over nothing, they'll always have each other's back. My 14 year old might be mean to his 8 year old sister, but don't let anyone else LOL In short, I wouldn't worry about too much. Have another child, and the 2 girls will join together and bug the youngest ( that'll bring them together ) LOL Good luck!!!

I agree with April B. I lived it with an older sister (2 years almost exactly). My mother never did anything to redirect or correct my sister and she tormented me all my life. She is now a very negative person and causes all her relationships to fail...she doesn't see the reason, though I have tried to gently explain it when she asks...but then she blows up at me! YOu must do something now while you can. YOur daughter's future depends on it more than you know. My sister is in her early thirties and hasn't been married yet (except once with a quick anullment brought on by the guy) because she keeps pushing them away. April has an excellent suggestion that would've worked with my sister. Try it - you'll not regret it!

I got 2 words for ya, attitude and hormones.

At 11-12 my dd hit this stage. I was ready for it because at 12 my ds had done this.

Their hormones go out of whack, their body is pulling them along a roller coaster. THey will stay like this for awhile!

What I did--make them be nice. They have a snappy comeback, I stopped everything turned and waited till they could have a pleasant comeback. I also made them say something to the other persons face. Not "your hair is a nice color" --they have no control over that. It had to be something like "I like the way you pulled your back with that hairclip today. It matches your clothes very nicely".

Yes it was painful for everyone. But it broke the cycle of older sibling abusing younger one.

No matter how you look at it, they are being very disrespectful of the family and getting away with it. Just dont' tolerate it. And make them learn to keep what they picked at the store--learn to live with your choices. Say maybe 1x a week they can trade, but no more. ;-)

And being disrespectful has no "sides"!

If she were rude to you it would be sad for your younger one to witness it, your dh to witness, so why is it different for her to be rude to her sister and not have an impact on the rest of the family?

If you bought a treat that was $3.00 more for the younger one, that would be taking sides or showing partial love.

Hang in there. You are just beginning this fun roller coaster.

that sounds normal to me. Also, part of it is her age (10-13 1/2 is really hard.) People talk about the terrible 2 s and trying 3 s but actually every child goes through this stage several times through their growing up years. She'll start getting better, just keep teaching her about kindness and compassion and discipline her mean behavior.

S., mom to four girls

Know that you are not alone!! I have 2 girls- 11 yo and a 5 yo. We go through the exact same thing at our house! I always feel like I am getting on the older one's case! We've actually had that same talk with her, about treating her sister badly, and she always reverts back to old habits.

I liked April's advice. I had done something similar to that over bickering all the time. I put $10 in quarters in a cup in a central location. Any time they argued over something, I removed a quarter from the jar. At the end of the week, they got to split whatever money remained. I did it for a couple of weeks and it worked like a charm. I might try it again - although this time I might make it for different things for each of them. For example, I think I will take quarters from my older one for saying mean or negative things to her sister, and I might take quarters from the younger one for pestering sister or not cleaning up after herself. (She's the messy one). Or, you can try working toward an incentive - my older DD wants new Nintendo DS games, so that might be something we can work toward with her attitude. Hang in there!

It sounds like traditional sibling rivalry to me.

When my husband died a little over a year ago, my son and I bought land and put a home on it for his family and myself. They have three girls; eight years old, seven years old and six years old. Of course, each one of them have different personalities. The oldest girl is a very lovable, thoughtful and sensitive person, but jealous of her sisters. The middle girl is very placid, frienly, easy going, lovable, thoughtful and a sensitive person, but all too willing to give into the oldest sister. The youngest girl is spoiled too. She has learned much from her sisters and knows how to work people. She too is very lovable, thoughtful and very sensitive. For years the girls have been bought things alike: clothes, toys, fast food, shoes, etc.. They go to each friend birthday parties though only one originally gets the invitation. This is when the party girls siblings are the same ages as our girls.
I, being the grandmother, has noticed the similarities in their lives and have suggested that it was time to make them individuals. My son and daughter-in-law have taken my advice and started to buy for the one who needs and not all of them. Changing the responsibilities per child was another good thing, the oldest has the most, middle a little less and youngest even less. The girls have also noticed the changes and sometimes asks why, that's where Mom lets them know that it is because of their ages. She tells them that her oldest is her big girl now, the middle is working on being as big and her youngest will some day be doing the same thing. Mom has her pet names for each, spends as much time with each (one at a time), and decides who will be first that day so there won't be any jealousy. This is said to let them know they will have their turn alone with her. My son, daughter-in-law and I reinforce the reasons to remind the girls often enough to where they won't question us anymore.
Now, as far as the girls not getting along, they are given time out together. If they are delibertly mean to each other, they are punished by taking away video games, TV time, deserts, sleep overs, and swimming pool time if they are really mean.
Remember: consistency is important. Once you let one of them get away with one of the no-no rules, they will let you know "she got away with it!" and expect it themselves. I guarantee all will be lost and you will have to start over.
Hope this is a help, it is working for us and I think that it might work for you. Good luck. Grandma from Texas

I have three girls, now 14, 12 and 9. Unfortunately its going to happen. But if the older sister always tends to be the aggressor or negative instigator, reflect the behavior back to her. Ask her why she feels that way? How did she intend to make her younger sister feel or react? How would she feel if it was done to her? Then have her think of something positive to say or do instead. Encourage her to set a good example for her younger sister and promote her as a role model.
Also pay attention to the younger sister's behavior at that time. Did the younger sister do anything to provoke the ugliness? Did she respond with bad behavior as well? Let them also know that they have a bond as sisters that no one else can break and they should treat each other well because they will be sisters forever!
As far as the oldest always wanting what the younger one has chosen, allow them to switch sometimes and other times let them both know before purchase time that what they chose then is the final choice. Or even pick the items out yourself making them the same except for in color. The older sister will learn that the grass isn't always greener on the other side.

I agree that this is something that should be taken care of at this young impressionable age. This sounds very much like my older sister and I, and I am sad to say we still do not get along. My sister sounds much like your older daughter, everything is negative no matter who it's directed at. We come from a divorced home, so a lot of my sister's behavior went unnoticed. Now she is 27, and remains extremely negative and can still be very hurtful and disrespectful, even to our parents. The scariest part is that now I am seeing the exact same behavior from her oldest daughter. I am very afraid that this cycle will continue. So please, do ANYTHING you can to take care of this problem now while you still can. I agree with the others, April's idea sounds great.

So here's the thing. I have a 10 year old and twin 3 year olds. My older child is a girl and one of my twins is a girl. I have the same situation and yesterday was my last straw. I sat my older daughter down and said this to her.

"There are 7 years between you and your sister. When you are a teenager, you will not have time for her as you will be too busy between dating and friends and working. At some point you will move out and start your own lif and only then will you want to start spending time with your little sister again, because you will be able to take her to do things you think I am too 'uncool' to take her to do or to let her do. between now and then is a very long time. Right now, she wants to spend time with you and play with you and you are the perfect age to do so, is it really that hard of a thing to do? Is it really so much to give up and be nice to her? I know she can get on your nerves and she seems to want a lot of your attention...but remember, you only have it to give right now."

She listened and it really seemed to have an affect. She played a lot nicer with her sister and her brother the rest of the day!!! We'll see how long it lasts.. ;-)