Advice on Disciplining Almost 2 Year Old

It might be possible the clothes issue is sensory related. You can get tips that are sensory related on line. My daughter has a lot of sensory issues related to clothes and food. Other than that, she's a typical kid at 12, but I have to let her pick out clothes she'll wear versus what I think is cute. Luckily, she has good taste :) I work with kids who have lots of sensory issues due to the fact they are on the autism spectrum, but lots of kids have sensory issues related to fabric, tags, stitching on socks etc. Perhaps it's not sensory, but it's worth considering. Here's one site...

http://www.parentguidenews.com/articles/October05/Sensory...

Maybe if he helped pick out his socks at the store, he might like them better...superheroes or type of fabric etc.

Good luck!
J. Keating-Velasco

Normal 2 year olds get angry because they cannot comunicate their needs or feelings. Does he get diaper rash or rashes from his socks or shoes? He might have an irritating allergy?
Do you ever offer other beveradges in a cup or bottle? Does he reject those? Maybe he is over milk? Maybe he is allergic or sensitive to milk?
To me...NO diaper is not an option, you must stay consistant. No socks, no biggie, unless you live in a very cold invirement. Does he talk? Try to give him tools to communicate. Try more possitive reinforcement. Socks=banana or something he likes. I hope this helps. Try to stay calm. They don't call them the terrible 2s for nothing! This too shall pass!

Hi S.,

There is a wonderful article in this month's issue of Mothering Magazine (the one with Ricki Lake on the cover). It's called "Rock Me Gently" and it's all about toddlers and tantrums and what they're feeling (why they tantrum) and how to help them through it.

Hope that helps!

Hang in there S., I have an almost 3 year old boy that we almost wanted to send to Africa or somewhere far away!!! We used the 1,2,3 magic method and it was very helpful. We got a video of the method and it has saved us. Another thing that I learned (I teach special education so I try out all my behavioral stuff on the 2 yr. old) If my son is refusing something or misbehaving, I tell him the behavior that I would like for him to do, "Patrick, please pick up that toy" if he refuses I say, "I will count to 3 and then I will help you". For some reason they really don't want you to "help" them. He will usually do what I ask by 2, if he doesn't then I physically walk over and "help" him/ hand over hand do whatever he needs to do. This method works for my students and my kids.
Good Luck.

Sounds like a 2yo. Choose your battles.. socks? Big deal. Diapers? Why? Does he have interest in going on the potty? If not and he just likes taking the diaper off and is going potty in places you prefer him not to go.. then have him wear a onesie or something that will make getting the diaper off difficult. Stay consistent, his timeouts or naughty step time should be no more than 2 minutes. But really try to redirect during this time to avoid the meltdown to start. And choosing your battles can really help. It doesn't mean letting him get away with everything but he is only 2 and wants/needs to feel he has control over something. I have a 2yo son and I've been through this so much that I can just feel it when it is about to happen, I've had a lot of success by making him feel like he made the decision and by redirecting and avoiding the conflict all together. Also, I get down to his level and ask him to use his words. If he is screaming mad, I'd get down and make eye contact and say things to make him feel like I understand how he feels. For example, in your case. I know you don't want to wear the socks, you don't want the socks on, do you? We are going outside and it is cold, so let's just wear the socks while we play outside then when we come back in you can take them off. Do you want the white pair or the blue pair? (say this is in a very understanding caring voice). Try to find out why he doesn't want to wear them. Feet get hot? Uncomfortable? Just because you want him to??

When he throws an object whether it is his milk cup like you said or a toy when he is angry. I'd be firm and tell him we don't throw things. Again, get down to his level and ask him to use his words. Tell Mommy, why you are so angry. Etc..WIth toys, I try to find out why he threw it, in my sons case, he might have gotten frustrated because he couldn't get the door open on the truck or something little like that (huge to him of course) so finding this out is great because I can tell him, that I understand but the next time you are having trouble, ask Mommy for help. With the milk cup, you said your son was hungry so you'd need to find out what made him mad, not what he wanted in his cup?, he wanted to put the lid on?, you didn't pour right? Who knows! (-:

I'm no expert, this is just what has worked for me. My son is almost 3 and expresses his emotions very well, uses his words better than me and I credit this to my husband and I being consistent with both correcting bad behaivor on the spot, choosing our battles and doing our best to model a better way to act when things don't go our way, basically using our words when we are angry, upset, even happy. etc..

Hope this helps. It WILL pass before you know it.

M.

I do not believe in time outs. You have probably heard the expression terrible twos, but in fact it should be called the terrific twos! Your little guy is learning and changing so fast....there is are so many things he wants to control in his world and he is twarted at every turn. What he needs is your empathy.
I know this may sound odd to you, because our society is so focused on discipline, but I can guarantee you will get results with a parenting method called Unconditional Parenting. Try to pick up a copy of Alfie Kohn's book "Unconditional Parenting - Moving from Rewards and Punishment to Love and Reason." Or attend a Saturday morning workshop (child care available) with Ruth Beaglehole of the Center for Non-Violent Parenting - it will change your outlook on parenting. The phone number is ###-###-####.

I am raing an eight year old son. It is amazing journey.

M. O

I am taking a course with a presenter trained from www.loveandlogic.com
It has been very helpful.
H.

Your child is trying to become independent (this is a GOOD thing). He is testing his boundaries, but if you want a happy home - focus less on "discipline" measures and more on giving him choices so that he feels like he has more control over his situations. "Do you want to wear the red socks or the blue socks?" "Do you want to pick your own socks or do you want me to pick some for you?" When they feel like they have a sense of control, children this age really respond. He is NOT trying to be unreasonable, he just wants to feel like he is in control of something around him.

Hi S.,
I am right there with you! When they are two they are trying to test you to see what they can get away with. Walking away from then when they are having their freak outs really will help. My son will start screaming and having a melt down and I will just walk away from him, he will follow me into the next room and do it all over again. So I will leave again. Throwing things or hitting is not acceptable so you need to be firm and a stern no is really necessary. Hope this helps!

Dear S., You are doing just right. TImeouts can work. Do not get angry! Be calm and firm. One of my sons tried that at the supermarket. It was embarrassing but I waited until he got tired and asked him if he was through. Then we finished shopping. Time outs work if your son has the verbal skills to understand. Is he talking now at all? Why does he still have a bottle at age two? Are you trying to potty train now? If he doesn't want to wear diapers, try Pullups. He may be ready. Can your husband help with teaching him how to be a big boy? Some husbands will help and some just can't. If your son is not ready for potty training, then you will have to firm about the diapers until he is ready. If it really becomes a battle, let him run naked, but NO food, NO bottle, NO television, NO toys, NO nothing until he puts the diapers on. I did that with my daughter one day, and I told her she had better not pee on the floor either. She got the message. Sometimes you have to be inventive. Good luck!

When my daughter throws something she looses it, period, hungry or not. I would take the bottle away and the first few times he realizes it is not coming back, he will be pretty mad, but kids are highly intelligent, he will stop throwing. The only advice I can give is that the most important thing in discipline is not necessarily the actual discipline, it is that you are 100% consistent every time he does something you don't want him to do, REALLY TIME CONSUMING!

Dear S.,

He just needs to cry, cry, cry when he doesn't cooperate. Just take him to his bed and let him cry. It won't hurt him, and it will let him know that you are the boss. He will get over it - sometime - just be consistent. Tell him no, then to the bed and let him cry. When he stops, then clean him up give him a sip of water and find something for him to do. He already has the message, so you don't need to say it over and over. Keep it up. All will be well.

C. N.

2 year olds are just becoming very self aware. He is trying to make his own decisions a bit. You need to pick and choose you battles carefully right now and let hime feel like he has a little control over his own life. He won't die without socks and he won't starve himself to death. If he doesn't want to wear a diaper, give him the choice of using the potty or wearing one. Maybe you'll get potty training over easier than most.

I have a 2 year old, too - And, I agree with Michele S's suggestion and sounds much like how my cousin disciplines her children (they are so well behaved)but, it didn't work so well with my sister's 3 1/2 year old - when he was 2 he was actually frightening sometimes. So basically, I personally think discipline may work differently for each child.

In my case, my son was a preemie and a little delayed in the speech area, and couldn't tell us why he was mad. And he started throwing the tantrums before he was 2 as well. And, after making sure that his basic needs were met (was he tired, was he hungry?) he simply was still very cranky. So, when the throwing (and hitting) started, we figured we had to do something so that he really understands that it is wrong and to preserve our sanity when he did it in public. We started the 1-2-3 method (There is a book called 1-2-3 Magic suggested by our occupational therapist). We read it thoroughly and followed the basic rules of no talking, no emotion. Basically, you count firmly but not angrily (because any type of emotional reaction to a tantrum is what they want) "That's 1" and give him 5 seconds to stop the tantrum, if he doesn't move on to "That's 2" again, give him 5 seconds, and at 3 he is sent to time out, for 2 minutes (1 minute for every year of his age). For serious offenses like hitting, we don't even count and we don't get upset, we simply put him into time out. For us (and I'm not making promises that it will work for everyone) it worked amazingly. Yes, in the beginning it was frustrating and we felt like we were putting him in timeout every 15 minutes, but, within about a week and a half, we would only get to 2 and he would stop the kicking and screaming. He would pout, but, he knew that he should stop. NOW, he stops at 1 and is actually starting show signs of understanding of being good and being bad. Which I'm sure all of this is part of the growing process, but it's nice that my son is no longer screaming his head off in the middle of the store. :)

As for time out, there are a couple of rules to that, too - they say you should designate a chair or a spot that has nothing fun or interesting near for him to entertain him...

Anyway, I wish you luck and I'm sure that you'll find the method that works the best for you. And Michele is right - it will pass (my sister's kid is an angel now at 3.5 and she had no method when all else failed)....

I have the same problem I need to see what the rest have to say...R.

S.:

The only advice I can offer as a mother of three boys all two years apart is....take back the authority and control in your house. He has the control right now. I know that we all want to give in from time to time just to keep them quiet, but those are the times that you have to find your inner strength and be firm and consistant. Take his favorite toy(s) away until you find his true trigger point. If he cries and throws a tantrum, find something else to busy yourself with and DO NOT GIVE IN. You might feel you are going crazy for about the first week or so, but he will quickly find that you mean business. I won't shrivel up if he cries for a while. AND it can be a long while the first few times.....but it is easier now than later to teach him life is not always the way he wants it to be. When he finds that his tantrums result in no response, he will have no interest in making them any more. Also, talk to his dad when you have time alone and he is not listening. Make sure he supports you and if he dissagrees (or vice versa) it be done in private. Your son WILL work that against you too. The both of you tell your son that you back eachother. He is old enough to understand that. They look little at this age, and they are, but they understand much more than we did at their age.

Lots of luck to you!!!!!!!! It worked for me. My kids are 10, 8 and 6 and are wonderful boys. They tried me for a short time too, each one of them. It is their nature. They will me men someday and they NEED this lesson.

2 yr olds are at the peak of seeing what buttons they can push. Personally, my daughter threw 2 tantrums in her life in two days. The first day I put her in her room and she screamed for about 20 minutes. I told her she could come out when she was finished. The second day it took about 5 minutes. That was the last tantrum. I told her we don't do that, she found out I don't give in and that was the end of that!
When my son was about 2 yrs old we were driving down the fwy, he had the last bottle I owned in his hand. He threw it out the window and I said, "Oh well, I guess you don't need a bottle anymore." He went to sippy cups. When he throws his bottle, calmly walk over, pick it up and take it away. Tell him he can have it back when he says "please" and can behave. You should be having him on a sippy cup now anyway. He's not that hungry if he's throwing his bottle and a child will not starve himself so don't worry about that.
If he throws anything of his, take it away. Be consistent, don't show that your rattled because he'll continue to push you. It will get better.

All i can say is be CONSISTENT! Even if the time outs don't seem to be working yet they will if you are consistent with them. Good Luck

I would suggest reading "The Happiest Toddler on the Block" by Harvey Karp - lots of good ideas in there to help your toddler feel heard and understood, which in turn should help with the tantrums. It's also very common to have difficult behavior show up right around the time they are about to have a birthday, something with their system reorganizing and getting ready for changes - baffling, but I've found it to be true. Also, I've found that the more my toddler sees me getting frustrated by his frustration, the worse the behavior is, if I can diffuse the anger with a spontaneous tickling game or ignore it all together and pretend I can't hear him, he seems to get the idea. Good luck!

I also have a 2 year old boy who use to throw tantrums. I was at my wits end until I found the tantrum stopper. It works. I can email you tomorrow with all of the details, the cd is in my car and I forgot the psychologist's name. If you listen to this cd and do exactly what he tells you, you can stop the tantruming. I will sum it up for you, ignore the behavior completely. No energy at all given to the ugly behavior. It's easier said than done. But it's worth it in the long run, for you and your son.
Good luck, V.

My son threw things for years! He had a bad temper and sometimes would get so mad I would say he acted like he was "out of his mind!" He would throw things around in his room, kick the wall or ceiling (his bed was high). Usually it was because he was tired. He did eventually grow out of it. Just be patient and say lots of prayers! I tried to tell my son when he was older of course that it was ok to get angry but to please tell me about it instead of wrecking things. He is now 7 and sometimes will still loose it and throw a game remote or something. However, now he knows there will be consequences. I usually take whatever away from him he threw. Hang in there...

Try to detemive if there are sensory processing issues underneath the behaviors. Very common to dislike diapers and socks, tags, etc.
Sometimes when hungry, it's "too far gone" and eating is a power issue and ends in a tantrum. Distraction is a beautiful thing. I used to help my son by sitting with him watching Baby Mozart. Worked like a charm. He would drink the milk, then we could move forward in our day.
J. M

At 2, kids will definitely try to test you to see what they can get away with. Personally, I say that if he throws a fit over wearing diapers, then put him into some training pants. If he is not wanting a bottle, try a sippy cup...maybe his tantrums to those specific items are his way of telling you that he is ready to start being a "big boy". Being a stay at home mom will be able to give him a lot more consistency if trying to potty train. I also agree that if he is throwing a tantrum ~ walk away. He will eventually give it up when he sees that he is not getting the reaction out of you that he wants. Then when he is done, sit down and talk with him. He may not have a big vocabulary himself right now, but it is a great tool to start with. My kids are 7 & 11 & are very good, but when they ocassionaly get into trouble, we will put them into their rooms for a "break" & then talk to them when it is over. I have never been found of a certain amount of time per age, so I tell my kids to let me know when they are done having their meltdown & are ready to talk to me.

Good luck!!!

S....

I recently read an article in Parents magazine about speaking "toddlereze". It has worked with my two year old. When he starts whining or I can sense a tantrum coming on I get worked up to. If he is starting to cry about turning off the tv, I react to him how he is reacting and wave my arms like he does making the same crying (or whining) noises. He usually stops and starts laughing at me because I am being silly. I then tell him what I need for him to do or chose what he is going to wear (giving him two choices). It is hard for them when they are frustrated and can't use words. I try and repeat his words when he is mad..."you want tv, you mad, mommy knows". Hope this helps...

D.

hi S.,
i have a 2 1/2 yr old girl and she is really great. i dont have many issues with her but the only deciplin thing i enforce is "the notty spot". we have a small foot stool that i use for her. she knows that where ever i put itwhen she isnt listening then that is the "notty spot". i aske her if she wants to go sit in the "notty spot" most of the time she says no and shapes up but now that she is getting older and i just had a nother child last week, she asks me if i want to go sit there and so on if i dont give her what she wants . so i have had to move the stool into isolated parts of the house so she doesnt get distracted.

i only leave her there for about 1-2 minutes tops.

Dear S.,
Try positive reinforecement with a sticker chart. Tell him if he's good all day he gets a sticker. After 7 days he can get a small toy or book. We did this when our son was wetting his bed and it worked.

Also try to figure out what causes the tantrums so you can avoid those situations. Let him have his way on some things if it's not a big deal. Like unless it's freezing out side does it really matter if he doesn't wear socks? Or try some reverse psychology and tell him you don't want him to wear socks. I bet he'll put them on.

Good luck.

L.

A nursery school teacher taught me and other parents to use "time-in" instead of time out. We are trying to teach our children self control. We want them to be able to recognize their feelings yet behave appropriately. (We are asking alot because many adults aren't able to do this.) This nursery school teacher advocated making the child stay close to you--holding your hand or sitting next to you when they were inappropriate. Being close to a calm firm adult can give children the sense of safety they need to calm themselves down. Another really valuable tool is setting up something that is okay for the child to hit or throw as a way to teach him to appropriately dispell anger. I used big pillows that my kids could punch or hit with rolled up newspaper. Or we would pick a wall that they could throw small pillows and stuffed animals at. We used different things as they got older. The idea is that anger is a fact of life but we can learn to dispell it appropriately. Supressed anger can be very destructive. For me, a hard part about helping my children with their anger was that I had to deal with my own. Their tantrums set up uncomfortable emotions in me that I had to face and deal with. Wishing you the best on your parenthood journey. My boys are 13 and 18 and are quite amazing. They babysit a young boy who has had a difficult life. It delights me to see them use these same techniques with him. This little boy adores them and his parents say he is much calmer after being at our house.

Hi S.! Just know that anyone that has had a child has been there before, regardless of how great the child turns out to be in the end, they've thrown their share of tantrums. I'm sure you're doing great!

At this age it's sometimes hard to tell if a child fully understands that a time out is a consequence because they seem to find a way to entertain themselves even sitting alone in a corner. If your child doesn't have words yet, teaching basic signs helps a lot. Planned ignoring is very useful. Every behavior your child exhibits has a specific purpose. It is understanding the cause of the behavior that is the most important. And depending on the cause, a different response is sometimes necessary.

I started writing a novel but decided to ask you if you would like more detailed advice, let me know. I have been working as a behavioral therapist for several years, with children with Autism and other special needs but the same techniques worked for my daughter and they even use similar techniques on, "A Place of Their Own," which is a show for all parents and caregivers. So don't worry, it's nothing barbaric, just a way to better respond to your child by understanding the cause of their behavior. But in the end, patience is key.

Take care and good luck!

I feel for you. I don't have a perfect solution, but have to say whatever you choose: 1)pick one thing to focus on correcting (i.e. hitting, throwing)at a time at this age for a while before another. I know this may be a bit difficult depending on the hazard it is presenting, but do your best. 2) use whatever method consistently and for me it is a method of not having access to me for some length of time (i.e. 2 minutes). I have found it is the attention he wants from me, so when it is taken away the discipline seems to stick better.

This is such a trying age and they say it doesn't end for years (eekkk). The hardest thing is to keep cool and maintain some patience. Hang in there. We can still raise gentlemen, I believe.

Good luck.
Cheena
stay home mom with a crazy two and half BOY.

Hi S.:

I think you would benefit from reading "Boundaries with Kids" by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. You would get not only a lot of great suggestions, but also the reasoning behind each one.

Hi S..
Yes - it's two year old behavior, but it doesn't mean that you just have to "deal" with it until the time passes. I am a mother of four boys ranging in ages 4 to 11 months. When they all went thru this stage we would sqeeze their hand and let them know what they did wrong. It worked for all of them. Consistency is the key. Kids thrive off of being in a routine and having a consistent parent. If you have time, it's all in a book that we were reccommended and LOVE. It's called Baby Wise. They have a follow up book to it for toddlers. I am sure finding time to read is scarse, but it's great. Also Boudaries. Very good.
Praying for you,
P.