Advice for Teen Girl Struggling

Hi L.,

I have a beautiful 13 year old who is overweight and went through some hard times with this also..I feel blessed that she came to me with this problem and you should feel the same. Trying to instill Christian values within her I explained that even though they are mean doesn't mean you have to be also. It is soooo hard for adolelsents today and everyone of them are trying to find themselves. I have even talked with some of the parents of the "popular" girls and believe it or not they are suffering from the same problems....it seems that when they are grouped up...that's when they are the meanest... one on one these girls are nice and just want to be loved and accepted also....but there are a few bad apples out there...I dont think you should pull her out of school if it is a good school ...that only teaches her to run from problems...she needs to know that people are different and some are mean and some are nice....with a good solid family life (which it sounds like you have) she will be fine and find a close friend to share with and until that happens you be that friend to her.
good luck and God bless
K.

L., Praying for her is awesome! I too remember those years. I was unpopular, not deemed attractive, etc. My teen years were just some of the worst years of my life but my mom kept telling me that I was special, that I would turn into a beautiful woman & that all of that stuff wouldn't matter when I was older & in the real world. At that time, I thought she was crazy. Well, I did end up growing into an attractive woman & the same boys that teased me & told me how ugly I was hit on me years later & didn't know who I was! You can imagine how that all played out. I had no interest but relished the whole incident & made sure I shared it with my mom. Teen years are hard regardless but I truly sympathize with you & your daughter. Things can change quickly at this age, have faith. In the mean time, you might want to consider doing something like having her assist with something like Upward basketball where she will be a mentor to younger kids, which will in turn help to boost her self esteem and she will get to share her faith. The Upward program at our church is always looking for help & the youth is encouraged to come forward & help. Also having her get involved with some youth groups through your church or another one may help her a great deal since she will be in a group with other kids from the same moral background, etc. Good luck!

Since you are a Christian Family, encourage her with words of love and that Jesus is a friend who will stick by you closer than anyone....Period.
I always wanted to be one of the "girls" and I received a bad name for those "girls" when I was the only one that was still a virgin. So, birds of a feather flock together, so, I found a "boy"friend who I have been with since I was 13 and we have been married almost 23 years...now I am not encouraging her to just find a boy-I want her to know, if she is not being part of the crowd, Praise God now!

Hello : )
I just want to tell you how much reading your post made me think of my own family : ) I too am married to the love of my life for 16 years and we have 4 children..the oldest is 15yrs. old. I completely can relate to your situation of concern for your daughter bc we too have gone through / are going through the same situations. We are a Christian family with VERY strong values that it seems only we live by these days. I just want to encourage you to continue to encourage your daughter to stick to her morals and keep to her values...the friendships ( that count) WILL come. Our daughter has many friends in high school, but she is often teased for her Christian values and it hurts her deeply. We just keep encouraging her to stand up for her beliefs bc her faith is what will carry her through life, NOT her high school friends. We are a VERY close family and I also believe it's so important to be involved 150% in my childrens lives...believe me our nose is in everything : ) But the influences out there are just so bad how can we not?!

If you continue to guide her as you're doing and pray for her...everything will work out and the friendships will come : ) God bless you!

Hi L.,

I know you didn't mention this, but I have to agree with the mom who said you might consider homeschooling your daughter. My daughter is 14 as well and I have not seen any of the "mean girl" stuff among the homeschool community of girls her age (and there are alot of them). I think one of the reasons for that is the culture is so different among homeschoolers. Being catty is just "not done" and the peer pressure is against it rather than for it. Plus it sounds like the atmosphere among the homeschool community would be something your daughter is more comfortable with since you are a close Christian family.

I live in Lexington, Ky. and we have a couple of big high school co-ops so the kids do have the opportunity to play basketball, go to proms, etc. I have heard of alot of girls who've had their self confidence just butchered in high school and it is sad. Feel free to email me if you have any questions or need pointed in the right direction to homeschool.

Blessings,
K.

Hi L.. Are you in the Columbus, OH area and if so, do you think your daughter would get along well with a 12 year old? I have a daughter who is home schooled and she would love to find a new friend.

Infinite Blessings!
Kristy

Hi L.,
I don't have children,I am hoping to soon. I know of a great book that might help you and your daughter get through this. It's called "Queen Bees and Wannabes" by Rosalind Wiseman. It's about the adolescence years, cliques, gossip, teasing, just about everything that goes on in a girl's world. Really insightful book. Each chapter gives examples of ways you can help your daughter and understand what she's going through, and helps guide her when she's faced with tough decisions. The movie "Mean Girls" was based off of it. It's also in Oprah's Book Club. Here is a link:

<http://www.oprah.com/tows/booksseen/200305/tows_book_2003...;

Hope this helps.

Hey L. I remember being 14 and having the same problems.They are in every school. I made a big transition when I was that age. I loved sports but hated to play with some of my team mates. But I had great support team at church. My youth leader told me something I will never forget and has helped me in every aspect of my life. " Be who you are Where ever you are and in whatever you do." You can be an encouragement to her by telling her she is great at the things she is great at! When I started out on the Volleyball Team at my new school I was terrified I would not be good. But Once I remembered to be myself I fit in fine. NOT in the Popular Crowd but I was everyones friend. I did not judge and critize I tried my best to be all I could be for ME and my family. I know it is hard for her now but I still don't have that one TRUE Friend because I made an effort to make friends with everyone I meet. Good luck and God Bless you and your Family. I hope this has helped some. " A man who has friends must show himself Friendly" T. I just wanted to add that by my senior year I was Co-Captian of the Varsity Team and Captian of Junior Varsity. Yep I played on both teams because I learned to be a team player in every field. Godbless;)

I think the best thing you can do for a teenage girl is to pull her out of school and homeschool her (in a very untraditional sense of the word). Check out books by Grace Llweylan such as "The Teenage Liberation Handbook: How to quit school and get a real life and education". If your daughter was able to really be out there experiencing the world and studying those subjects she really loves, her self confidence will go way up. Also, she will have the opportunity to befriend so many different people of many different ages.

Hello L.. Thankfully I have not yet had to go through this, but I know my time is quickly coming b.c I have three girls and one boy who thinks he is a teen/adult lol There was one thing I thought of while I was reading. I wonder if there is a different basketbal program she might be able to join, like a church league or a YMCA/YWCA league where she might fit in better and enjoying the game like she use to. Best of Luck and yes, Prayer is your best solution.

Oh, I feel for you. I teach and I see this all of the time. I HATE it!
There are some American Girl books that help with this (designed for teens) at Barnes and Noble. I know it is hard to do, but try to remind your daughter that the more she acts bothered, the more they'll keep doing it. There has to be someone else on the team she can bond with. Goodness always prevails in the end. Good luck.

P.S. Ask her homeroom teacher if she knows any girls on your daughter's team that would be a good match and see if she/he can help arrange them to work together on some school project or come in and "help" the teacher during lunch together to foster a bond. I am sure her team of teachers would be more than willing to help with this. We've all been there and work daily to promote healthy relationships.