Advice for Perfectionist Tendencies in Five-year-old

My 6 year old has those tendencies too, and honestly, the thing that really made a breakthrough for her was the Wii fitness games. I'm not a big fan of video games, but this really got the ball moving for us on this issue.

What happened was my husband got her playing the bowling game, and we of course had tears and "I quit" right and left. But as we worked with her, we tried to emphasize that we were playing for fun, not to win or do it perfectly. We showed her that we got plenty of gutter balls, just like her, and we talked to her about how practicing helps us to get better. When she got gutter balls, we'd laugh and say "Oh well, no big deal." Gradually, she learned to laugh at herself and eventually got better.

A video game was what opened the door for us, but now we can refer back to that when she gets frustrated and she understands what we're talking about. And you could do this with anything--sports, music lessons, games. I think you just need something that they think is really fun to keep them interested even when they aren't "perfect," and then you can use it to teach this lesson. As for the writing, I would back off and let her decide when she's ready.

As a child psychologist I can tell you that this is really normal behavior for a young child. I wouldn't make a big deal out of it, but would allow yourself to make mistakes in front of her. Children often see their parents as being perfect b/c we try to model "perfect" behavior. Instead model a mistake and how to fix it without getting upset!

Talk with the pediatrician and keep him or her in the loop, but I wouldn't jump to any psychiatric conclusions just yet!

Make a mistake or two yourself and say something to her like 'oh gosh did you see that? I made a mistake. Oh well mistakes happen so let's see if I can do it right this time.' By showing her that everyone does something wrong and doing it in a ligh hearted way you'll set an example for her.

Hi K.,
I think (and hope) a lot of it is the age. My daughter is 5 1/2 and she won't try things she can't do perfectly from the start (or at least as well as other people she sees). I try to explain that the other kids may have had many many lessons already or they are older or whatever other cause there may be. This behavior was really bad in the late summer/early fall. At the moment, she seems to be a little better, but it may just be she hasn't been in a situation recently where she was trying something new. I don't have any real advice, just wanted to let you know I share your pain. It's awful watching your little one get so upset and stressed out. One of the things that did help my daughter is that she found an interest (surfing) that no one her age does. I was able to tell her she was the best 5 year old surfer in our town. We'll see how she does when we go on vacation and there are far more kids surfing.

You got some good advice already on the writing. They will teach your daughter how to write in Kindergarten. They will give her new techniques on how to hold the pencil correctly. Don't worry if she writes letters backward now, or if her writing is sloppy, she will develop the fine motor skills as she writes more. Just remember, when we went to K it was half day and part of that was a nap. Our kids are under a lot more pressure now, I think it is our job to reduce this as much as possible, not to add more.

Best wishes. I really do hope this is yet another stage that our children will grow out of.
A.

My five-year old daughter is exactly the same way. When she was in preschool (she's now in kindergarten), she actually had an aide come to the class and work with her for 2 hours a day and teach her that it's ok to make mistakes. They showed her that if she was drawing a flower and the petals weren't "perfect" (in her eyes) that she could fix it or turn it into something else. There were times that she'd start writing something and then rip and up and start fake crying if it wasn't up to her standards. The aide really helped her understand that we all make mistakes and that you can turn "mistakes" into other things.

My friend also gave me this suggestion. If my daughter wrote something that she got upset about, my friend told me to draw a line on the piece of paper and call it the "magic line" and then she could keep working below the magic line. Sometimes that worked....

When my daughter was little she showed signs of OCD and was also a perfectionist. I asked the doctors about this and was told she was to young to really do anything. He suggested that I pick one thing at a time to work on instead of trying to change all her habits at once. It took awhile but this worked wonders. By not trying to change everything at once and only concentrating on one thing it helped change her ways and elimanted alot of stress.

Most young children tend to be perfectionists. This may help you to understand that what she is doing is ok and she won't be damaged as a result. My response to this with my own children is always the same: "Great job! That is exactly how a preschooler should ___________!" And always tell her that when she triesher best it is perfect even if it doesn't look the same as when mommy does it. This is a slow process but she'll grow out of it if you encourage her effectively.

Hi K.

Congrats on having #3 very soon! :) I think that it's great that she is working so hard to do a great job. I have my son who is like that- he is the third of four children -the others are all girls, lol! But I tell him that he is doing a great job no matter what, even if things don't look perfect. He will try to make his bed perfectly (top bunk!), clean up, fold laundry, etc- and it's cute to see him try so hard, but I sometimes have to tell him to stop and go relax. He wants to please mommy, he wants to please his older sisters, but he doesn't have to. I do give them a sticker chart and tell them that in order to earn $1.00 they do NOT need to do everything every day- I can email you the chore chart that I am referring to as I also use it for my 3 year old daughter. The $1.00 they earn per chore per week can add up to say $5 for the week per child. That is broken down into save/spend/donate to charity. Perhaps the chart can come in handy for you too- so that you can show your daughter that she will still earn that $1.00 at the end of the week even if she did NOT do things perfectly. :)

Feel free to email me directly for the chart I use- ____@____.com - hope this helped a bit! :)

Hi K., I remember feeling that way myself as a kid..... very frustrating for kids I think. When your daughter does a drawing or a painting that she is not happy with, ask her if you can take a good look at it before she throws it away.... when you look at it, comment on all the positive things about it like; I like that color you chose, or.... that tree is lovely and has such detail, etc. Then if she still wants to toss it, ask her if you can keep it because you really like that tree (or color or whatever) so much that you'd hate to just have it thrown away when you could admire how lovely it is every now and then. Or that it will make you smile when you look at it. Just remain positive and go from there. Also, isn't there a toy out now, where the kids can just color in the page with a special marker from crayola, that leaves the picture looking perfect? I've seen commercials for something along that line, I'm sure. Good luck. Your daughter will go very far in life. God bless her.
D. N. xo

Dear K.,

I am going to go a whole different route with this one and this is my own personal experience. My son was the same way first born and a perfectionist. At first I didn't think it was such a big deal I just thought he just like to do his best. And as he became older 7 or 8 it became much worse. When it was time for a test he would become anxious to the point of where he would sometimes wake me in the middle of the night to study. A few times he would come home with a belly ache. And I would have to review the work and then bring him back to school so he could take the test. He had to get a perfect grade all of the time or he would be upset. When he would play sports if he didn't have a perfect game he would be miserable and want to quit. If the team lost it was his fault. Everything as you said about your daughter that he did not master he would become frustrated and want to give up. And then he became a teen and when his face broke out with pimples he wouldn't go to school. He had such high expectations for himself and I never could get a handle on the source. I was not the type of mom who pushed I always praised, praised, praised. Great job!! and in return I would get "No its not" so I would reassure even more. Then I read a article on how parents can praise too much and almost create unrealistic expectations for our children, therefore passing it onto them and not even realizing it. Sounds crazy right? But then I though about it. He was the first born, first grandchild on both sides, first nephew, first everything to everyone. Everyone continuously told him how great he was, how wonderful everything he did was. And then I though maybe this does make sense. Most second, third, born children do not get all of the attention, praise, and constant Way to Go!! They almost become praise junkies and feel they constantly need to please. I am not in any way try to imply that you or anyone did harm to to your child. I am simply suggesting that I though I was doing what a mom should do and in my case it did backfire. I finally took a good look and made some changes in me and he relaxed a little bit more. Some of it is personality and some of it I believe is place in the family, and some we create with nothing but good intentions. I would try to not give attention to her when she is acting frustrated. Maybe just say I think it is good and now put it away and lets so do something fun. As far as the writing I own a preschool and she will learn that in kindergarten she does not need to know that now. I wouldn't worry about that some of my kindergarten children still write their letters backwards. This is all normal the writing skills will come when she is ready. Maybe just redirect her instead of trying to reassure her, because I think it gives more attention to the insecurities verses just kind of blowing it off and maybe when she sees you doing it she will learn how to. Not giving attention to her freaking out may let her realize wow I guess its not such a big deal. It worked for us. The only reason why I am stressing this so much is because it can turn into a real struggle for her when she grows if she feels she can not always measure up. I am in no way a therapist and this may not make much sense to you, but as I said this is my own personal experience. Keep up the good work you sound like a great mom!! Good luck on baby# 3

Hi K.,
First, don't worry about the writing!! She has a whole year or more to learn this in a formal setting. The brain isn't actually totally wired yet for writing correctly, as much as she might try. Pushing this now can actually create bad habits the kids struggle to break for years afterwards. There is a terrific system called "Writing without tears". we use it and my son is having a lot of fun without trying to make it all perfect.
But for home, I would get stamps with letters on them, take her to see some Jackson Pollack paintings and other abstract art, and make up a story about what she sees- what is happening. Then, if you're feeling brave,try to make some at home- this helped my son's friend to loosen up. Finger paints are good too- cause they encourage the experience and feel of making something - but you can't be too precise with squishy paints. Other fun games we play: Throwing laundry out of a basket and calling it art, spraying color on the snow and telling its story.

Good luck!
-M. (mom of a 4 & 2 year old)

Her perfectionist tendencies might be related to obsessive-compulsive. She might not want to be that way - but her brain is uncomfortable until whatever it is she is doing "feels" right...for instance the blanket folding, writing letters - her brain is telling her she must continue to do it a "certain" way until it feels right. Which might look like perfectionist tendencies, but, if it is OCD, it is neurologically based and not necessarily in her control. I had those tendencies when I was growing up. Everyone thought I was just a perfectionist. But when my son was diagnosed with Tourette's syndrome, and i started to read up on related disorders, such as OCD, I realized that was my plight. Cognitive behavior therapy could prove helpful, it tries to teach to redirect the behavior. This is just a suggestion - something to read up on. If it did turn out to be OCD - she can be taught to re-train her brain.
Good Luck.