Advice???? - Los Angeles,CA

You need more info. I would find out under what circumstances does he do this? Is it a certain time of day? Is it a particular child? Is it when there are a certain number of children or when the daycare provider is distracted? Usually children bite to make a point when they can't speak yet. My own DD bit a child at daycare and was bitten (in the same room with me at a family event - she and another 2 yr old were playing in a corner and all of a sudden my DD screamed....). If it persists, you may want to find a different type of setting for him.

If it's a home daycare, see if he does better in a center. If it's a center, would he do better in a home daycare? We actually had more issue with my DD biting ME and only ME - she'd come up and bite me on the leg when I was at the computer. She wanted my attention, so I had to teach her that she doesn't get Mommy's attention that way. Does he want the child's attention? Does he want the toy? What does the provider do to diffuse these situations?

If you do not already do so, consider teaching him to sign. If he can tell the teacher "hungry/tired/milk" he may feel more in control and less likely to bite.

One of my friends had to move her toddler to a different center (in her case, a home daycare) and the child stopped biting. Sometimes kids need a different environment to get past this issue. I mention this because if it comes down to it, you're not alone and you're not a horrible parent.

Bite him back
And a good swat doesn't hurt anyone long term

If I were the parent your kid was biting & hitting, I would push for your child to be removed too.

Better to get him in line now when he's young than trying to discipline him when he's 8. I promise you if you swat him when he's really unruly now, you won't have to do it very often in the future.

My twins are 18 months old and both can do the same thing you are talking about. Twin A bites. Twin B hits her head, sometimes against mine! Ouch!

This kind of behavior is going to happen from time to time. It is a manifestation of their frustration. The world moves so quickly around them and they are understanding much more than they can express. Mostly, they are experimenting with the ways they can influence the world around them. A bite or a hair tug gets an immediate and definite response. Even if you were to swat them on the butt, there would be a sense of accomplishment for them. "I made something happen!" It is part of their learning cause and effect. I do not, however, advocate the swatting, as it can inadvertently reinforce the negative behavior.

For my girls, I watch them closely and when I see one is getting frustrated and likely to do something bad, I try to head of the behavior and redirect their energies. One daughter is upset that the other took her toy. I give her a little individual attention before she acts out about it. At a public playground, one daughter is holding on to a piece of the play set and another child is trying to push her away from it. I see her start to open her mouth for the bite and I get her out of the situation and remind her in a firm voice "no biting. Now it's time to leave." The pulling other kids down, well my twins do that to each other all the time. They're playing with each other. They laugh and enjoy it.

This is the age that these things will happen. It is a major reason why the supervision ratio is so small for this age range. I would recommend taking your child to play groups and playgrounds as often as you can, so you can observe the triggers and start teaching coping mechanisms that are more acceptable. But in some respects the daycare provider needs to provide you with more information of what is setting him off and maybe doing a bit more to prevent it or address it in that moment. No, I do not advocate a daycare provider spanking. No way, no how. But 16 months is not too young to say, "You hit Bobby. Now you go to time out." There should be a safe and separate Time Out area so that your child will associate the negative behaviors with being removed and getting less attention.

Good luck. It's a tough time. (You may want to start shopping around for a new daycare anyway. I just don't have a great vibe based on what you wrote.)

I know that is a tough age - my little guy is 17 months right now, and I think that in a group setting he would act very similarly. I really think it's up to the daycare provider to be aware enough of what is happening to stop him right when he starts to be aggressive. She should be able to see trouble brewing from across the room, and warn him to stop. If he doesn't, he should get a time out in classic 'Supernanny' style for 1-2 minutes, although maybe putting him in an empty playpen or crib would be easier than getting him to stay in a chair.

At home, you need to stop responding with a high-pitched voice, smiles, or laughter whenever he bites or hits - I know tend to do that...if Kyle tries to bite me, my tendency is to laugh and say "heyyyy! stop that, mister!" but to him that sounds like an invitation to a game. He loves it. But lately when he hits his sister, even though I know it doesn't hurt, I've been trying really hard to lower my voice and say "Kyle, no hitting" with no trace of amusement. It's hard to do.

A good video to watch is Harvey Karp's "Happiest Toddler on the Block" - he gives some good insights on managing toddler behavior - it would be good if your daycare provider could also watch it, if they haven't already.

The hardest part in all this is going to be putting the responsibility back on the childcare provider without offending them. At his age, there is no way to provide discipline from a distance...you can't reward good behavior at the end of the day, for example - that really wouldn't have much meaning for him. I hope they're not one of those child care centers that only accepts kids without an alpha bone in their bodies... I hope they are willing to work with you to manage the situation differently.

Ask for a brief meeting with two of his caregivers, in the middle of the day if possible, so they aren't itching to leave...two caregivers will almost always be more accommodating than one. Take their concerns seriously, don't minimize it, but bring the conversation back around to how they can deal with the aggression as it happens. Tell them that you will handle him at home the same way, and then tell them you will check back in with them in two weeks, to see if there has been an improvement. They are needing some reassurance that you take the issue seriously.

Best of luck.

Hey T., this is very common given your little guy's age. He does not have words to express feelings. To help him learn how to control and express feelings better I would come up with a plan that you share with the daycare. For example, every time he hits or bites, I would firmly tell him, no and move him to a timeout spot away from everyone. Keep putting him in that spot and ignore him. have him stay there even if he cries or pitched a fit. Say, "you are in time out for biting. No biting." and then ignore him for a five mintues. After that tell him he can get up. If it happens again, just keep repeating it. Be consistent even if it feels like it is not helping. He will catch on. Best of luck!

Well, I can't imagine that spanking would work because you'd be meeting violence with violence. Sure - your child might stop biting/hitting when you're around, but it's not because he's learning his behavior is wrong. Instead, he'll learn that mom can hurt him when he hurts others.

Instead, if you witness the behavior, immediately remove him from the situation and tell him in a firm voice "NO HIT" or "NO BITE". The daycare provider should be doing the same thing. Do you know how she's handling the incidents now, because if you and she aren't on the same page - he'll never learn.

A couple of my little ones expressed their frustrations in that way too. With my last one, I used the playpen for 1 minute everytime he bit and said, "Biting hurts!". He eventually got the message, but it sometimes has to be repeated. Of course, the playpen wasn't a fun place to be anymore after that. I really tried to intercede before it got to that point. Not easy, and especially for daycare providers with more kids than they can handle sometimes. It will pass and maybe a new daycare is meant to be if not.

Welcome to Mamapedia. Excellent first question!

Discipline. Swift and certain.

If that means a swat - so be it.

Get him something to bite. In the childcare provider world they're called bite-a-majig. And instead of your daycare offer threats they need to be offering solutions. They need to take a proactive role in remedying this problem as well. If you're child is only doing this at daycare then you can not solve this problem alone. They need to make sure they tell him we people aren't food and we dont bite people. And instead offer him the bite-a-majig when they see him reaching a situation where he may bite or right when he has bitten tell him he has to bite the toy instead and put it in his mouth. Then they can jusy hang it on the wall and he can bite that if he feels the need to bite. Spanking is definitely a last resort in a case such as this mainly because he is choosing biting because there is a feeling there he enjoys whether it be a release on his jaw or an ease from teething or just because he enjoys biting. Either way show him, ok if you want to bite fine but you can't bite people. If your daycare provider isn't more willing to help then finding a new daycare may be a better option. I work a a high ratio daycare and we have seen this problem more times than I can remember over the years and really the teachers and aides have to be proactive for it to stop. And it will if they are doing a good job. Good luck!

Lots of people are offering discipline solutions, but I am guessing you have already tried the basics like time out, removing him from the situation, you may have even tried biting him back (rarely works, though you will always find someone who says it always works...).

You have to get to the basic problem. He is responding to his environment. Biting and hitting is somewhat normal at this non verbal age but it sounds like he is similar to my son and is doing it much more than normal and is unpredictable (hence the daycare's frustration). My son was the same way. And we were very close to being thrown out as well. Instead, we left voluntarily. Why? Because I realized that my son was under a HUGE amount of stress in a daycare environment and biting/hitting was his way of trying to get the space he needed. Turns out (diagnosed around age 3) that he has Sensory Processing Disorder. So all the noise and motion in a daycare room was like torture to his little nervous system. Think of something that really makes you edgy and then imagine someone doing it close to you all day long. You would try to ask them to stop and they wouldn't understand and would keep doing it. You would get pretty emotionally unpredictable, too.

The best solution for my son was for me to start staying at home with him. That way I could control his exposure to chaotic situations to short amounts of time when he was well rested and well fed. If you can't do that, try looking for a smaller setting (a home with just a couple kids and enough space that he can find a quiet place). Start to recognize his signals and start teaching him ways to find a quiet place when he feels overwhelmed. Be prepared to work with his teachers when he starts school too because school can easily overwhelm a kid with SPD.

He is only 16 months old.
At that age, they do not have "deductive reasoning" fully developed, nor any impulse-control, nor are their "emotions" fully developed yet, either. And they don't even have fully developed social skills either.

He is doing that at daycare... because, there are many other kids there, there is over-stimulation, more noise and things going on.
In a baby or young child, they do this BECAUSE they are trying to "shut-out" or stop.... what is bothering them.
They can't even talk yet, like and adult nor communicate themselves in an articulate way.

It could be that there is just too many kids there, and too much noise and activity that is going on. And it is overly stimulating.

A Daycare provider, who knows age-related development, would not expect, a child this age to be perfect and act like an 8 year old.

Also, when a young child is over-tired or tired, they may also do this.
Does he nap at the Daycare? Kids this age, need to nap.

Okay, my son went through a big biting phase and it was a long way to get through it. At this age they want to communicate their wishes but find they cannot get the words out yet, this means frustration. Then they act out by figuring out other ways to get their feelings out. You did not "teach" him to bite. My son bit me so hard once I had teeth marks and bruising for a week. It was a very unpleasant period of time.

We got it under control with time outs. 1-1.5 minutes depending on the severity. As soon as it happens, stop what you're doing and in a clear voice say, "Teeth are not for biting people," or, "we don't bite people." Then immediately put him in time out. No over explanations, no second chances. Same for hitting or pulling on people. Ask your daycare provider to handle it the exact same way. Consistency is key or the kid will find a way to keep biting.

Unfortunately, this is not an overnight solution and it takes some time, but they do pick it up. I didn't feel right about hitting or biting my son back either, it just didn't make sense to me and I don't want my child to fear me. After a month or so, he had it down. And the biting stopped, especially after 18 months when picked up more communication skills. He absolutely never bites now.

Good luck.