Adult Child and His Family Living with Us........ and It Is Not Working!

I didn't have time to read the whole thing, but about 1/2 of the way in, I knew this was doomed. They need to move out. You can only hope that once they have to support themselves again, they'll recognize all you did for them. There are homeless shelters out there for families, so they won't be out on the streets in the worst possible case.

You've done all you can at this point. They were taking advantage.

They are leaving - count your blessings.
Once they are gone change the locks and change your credit card access codes.
They didn't come with the expectation of being adults.
They wanted someone to pick up all their bills and debts and fees and to make things all better for them while they laid back and enjoyed not being responsible for any of it.
Your offer and desire to help was just not compatible with the people they are.
Just let them go.
They'll come back around if you dangle money in front of them but I'm not sure I'd want to get the know them better.
They are users and are just looking for people to use.
I don't like being used - neither should you.
It's sad for the kids but that isn't anything you have any control over.

I'm sorry you are in this situation. No good deed goes unpunished and you have done so many good deeds for this ungrateful couple. Its hard to watch people fail to do the right thing but seriously if they had done the right thing to begin with they would have had their s#!t together enough not to move in with you. They had a great opportunity to get back on their feet and blew it. You've done all you can do so yes its time to push those little birdies out of your nest.

You are givers and they are takers. Even with the best intentions, some people cannot be fixed! Sorry! I hope this doesn't damage the relationship you have with your husband. You both were MORE THAN generous!!!

Many good comments and insights below. Basically, you moved some people you don't know at all into your home. Your husband and his son were estranged, and either your husband felt guilty about that or the son was in such desperate financial straits that he got in contact specifically so he could get support. Nobody did their homework or set down ground rules (or you didn't know the parties involved well enough to know that ground rules would be ignored).

These people do not have life skills. They came in on your dime, and they are going out on her mother's dime. They need counseling, financial advice, a work ethic, and parenting classes. t doubt they will get any of it. The son was shocked that things weren't working out? He's lacking in awareness.. His wife is running the show, I think. She is an adolescent though - just not mature at all.

You've all learned a lesson here - you just can't step in after people have gone down the wrong path, and think you can fix it all. I know you wanted to help - but too much had gone awry and the couple themselves are not mature enough or aware enough of life's realities to even report the facts to you, let alone deal with the consequences.

Let them go, wish them well, send birthday gifts to the kids, and try to stay in touch occasionally by mail or phone. Your husband's job as a father is done with this son - and you need to focus on your 17 year old, who at least will see what happens when people don't get job skills and life skills and have kids they cannot support.

omg.
this started off horrible, and went further south quickly.
you may be able to patch up the relationship down the road, but you cannot, i promise, do it while they're squatting at your place and mooching off you.
get them out by whatever means necessary. THEN you can work on figuring out how mend the connections.
good luck. gah!
khairete
S.

Wow well it sounds like you've had an explosion at your house. No it isn't wrong for you to want them to move out. I can see where since they are very immature from their viewpoint you guys have uprooted them offered to support them and then tell them to leave. So you may try to look at it from their perspective find a way to repair the situation and mentor them and be supportive without enabling them any further.

You seem to expect you DIL and SIL to have common sense (ie the thing with your DD) but they have demonstrated previously that they do not. Whoever raised them did not instill this so you need to adjust expectations and spell things out for them.

Do not cosign anything or loan them money. Feed them if they are hungry watch the kids if they are working let them otherwise stand on their own two feet.

They have talked about getting a place. Tell them that is what has to happen and give them a date by which they and their belongings must be gone. I am concerned, since you enabled them SO much with money and no firm expectations when they moved in, that you will not be firm about a move-out deadline, but you have to be.

Here's why: It took me quite a while to find out in this post that YOU have your own child of 17 living at home amid this tremendous stress. She must be your priority here and she has not been, so far. They are not just setting bad examples; they are actively encouraging her to lie to you. Can you see that she is going to end up like them? Get them out. Give her your attention, not them.

I would give them a timeframe to move and stick to it. They can move to a hotel or stay with friends or whatever, but at this point they are just mooching off you and have no motivation to move on their own. Point them in the direction of services like food stamps and other assistance if they need help getting back on their feet. It sounds like they have a fixed mindset vs a growth mindset and are unwilling to take the steps necessary to really improve their lot.

I am familiar with the quagmire that is helping out family. But saying no has really helped, and it has kept my sanity and my wallet. I could not allow someone else's mistakes to drag down two families, so I chose my immediate family vs being a life raft for someone else. They don't always have it figured out, but at least they aren't dragging us into a financial hole we wouldn't be able to recover from. 6 months (if you give them 2 months to move) is PLENTY of time to figure something out.

Worry most about your 17 yr old and not everybody else.

You "refuse to be an enabler to a freeloading lifestyle" yet that is exactly what you offered them. The only way to "fix" things without them staying in your home is to rent a place for them. Of course, that just fits right in with you being "an enabler to a freeloading lifestyle." Like many parents, hubby let his guilt over a lack of relationship with his son guide his choices here and it didn't work. I believe they are BOTH manipulating you and hubby; don't just blame the wife.

You can either go on paying for their life or you can help them pack and send them on their way. With the first option, THEY are happy; with the second your family can go back to the life you all love.

Edited to add. I just read your final paragraphs That I'd missed. If i'd read them before my post would've been different. They're already taking action to move out. So what do you want to fix? You cannot undo what has happened. The way they've been unreasonable has hope fully taught you to not trust them. You have learned that they took advantage of you, costing thousands of dollars. Yet you naively expect them to pay you back for the truck repairs and start paying their own bills.

You can start making this right by accepting who they are based on what has happened. You can take control of your life and protect yourself from their lack of responsibility. You distance yourself from them until you've dealt with your anger over them taking advantage of you. You stop feeling like it's your responsibility to make it right for them. You let go of expecting them to make it right. They will not repay you! They're likely not even going to show appreciation for what you've done. Let them go! Focus on your daughter, your family. I suggest you ger family counseling to help all of you to put your life back together.
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I urge you to tell them this arrangement is not working and that they need to find another place to live. I really don't understand why you allowed them to take serious advantage of you. Too late now. You've learned a hard lesson about when it's reasonable to trust. You and your husband did not know his son and the way they lived. And....didn't ask enough questions or get enough answers to make an informed decision. I suggest that you may feel responsible for this having happened. You enabled them to make the move without requiring complete disclosure. I suggest you're continuing to allow them to take advantage of you because of those feelings Added to your husbands feelings about leaving the relationship.

Unless a child is underage parents are not responsible for their welfare. You are responsible for your own welfare. Accept that this is not working because these adults are not taking responsibility for themselves.

Know that they can get state assistance in the form of food stamps, health care, job training which includes some financial assistance As well as assistance in finding housing.

I know them having children involved makes it more difficult to form and enforce boundaries. If you continue to rescue them from the realities of life you are not helping them to grow up and.....are making your own life miserable.

I've experienced having a child who had a baby before they were able to support themselves. it was difficult for me to require them to live in their own housing and find a way to support themselves and their baby, my grandchild. Because my daughter had always been responsible and I could trust her not to take advantage I did help them by paying rent in low income housing. I bought diapers and other necessities. They applied for assistance from the state. They had food stamps and received training. During that time they received financial assistance for child care. My daughter eventually got financial assistance thru grants and loans to get training as a medical assistance. Her boy friend never found employment. Because I was providing the money for an appointment I said that if they weren't able to pay rent within 6 months or so I would need to step away. My daughter who was not happy with his lack of responsibility asked him to leave. I loaned him air fare. I aged to continue to pay rent for my daughter because she did have a responsible job and was working towards being responsible for the rent.

Doing this was difficult emotionally for me even tho that if I continued to take responsibility for her life I knew that I would be setting her up for failure in taking responsibility.

Your situation is much more complicated. You agreed to their living with you without ensuring that they were able to be responsible. You've now learned this isn't working for you and your husband.it's time now to set boundaries for them that will help you be happier by requiring them to be responsible. Tell them this is not happening in the way they agreed when you brought them into your home. Give them a deadline for moving out. Offer emotional support but no more financial support after that date. You can help them navigate the system. You can take them to appointments or to look at places to live if they don't have transportation. You can watch the kids while they actively look for jobs and assistance. I eventually required my daughter's boyfriend to tell me where he had applied. He wasn't looking so couldn't give any names. That is when I said no more help.

I suggest that his son is acting like a teen while failing to take on adult responsibilities. It's time to expect adult actions from them both. Asking for information may seem juvenile. Well, he's acting as a juvenile. You've tried treating him as an adult and it's not working.

If this were happening to me I would state that they have to be out or have a workable plan for getting out within a month. I would become cool in my relationship with them.

I suggest you have them sign an agreement to do that. Actually moving them out may be difficult because your action may be affected by landlord tenant law. Look for a non-profit office that helps landlords or ask at the courthouse. Consulting with an attorney may be helpfu.l

.A really important consideration is how this is affecting your daughter. By trying to save him you may lose your daughter in important ways.

Sometimes you have to practice tough love. You are upset that they are going overboard about this, but that is THEIR burden. You need to stop thinking that this is your burden.

Quite frankly, I don't think these two should be married. Your DIL sounds too young to be married, and yes, she sounds like a manipulator. Your son is probably embarrassed by her behavior.

Maybe your son wants to support his wife's decision to go back, but what he SHOULD be doing is putting his foot down and telling her that since she doesn't have a job, she can't make the decision to move back. However, he is too "weak" to do this because she seems to make the rules in the relationship.

There is nothing you can do about this.

I think that you'd have a prayer of getting through to your husband's son if they hadn't been apart for so long. But in truth, the son doesn't feel a close tie to your husband. He is happy to have the help, but as soon as there are strings attached and rules to go by that they aren't used to, he gives up. There's nothing you can do about that either.

You need to stand by your decision that they need to find their own place. The DIL has no ambition to help with the finances. She doesn't want a job. She only wants what she wants even though it's a rabbit hole to go down as a couple. She's very immature and very selfish. The panty episode and lying about where she took your daughter? WOW. Over the top. And by the way, it really isn't odd that your friend stopped coming over when your husband confronted him about being over at the house alone with the DIL. The fact that he would tell your husband about the panty episode means that nothing happened - if they had had sex, he wouldn't have spilled the beans on that... He's to be commended for not coming over anymore, and that's not odd. He realized he was in over his head with this gal and he values YOUR relationship enough to prevent a reoccurrence of this gal's poor behavior. Good for him! Hopefully he has deleted her number from his phone.

Your husband's son will have to figure this all out on his own. Sometimes you have to let a train wreck happen, SM. They both need to grow up. If they blame you for all their troubles, then they are the ones in the wrong. If they won't let you know the kids after this, they are punishing their kids and themselves. You can't fix everything. It's going to be hard on you, but honestly, you are not at fault.

I think it's unfortunate that you didn't form a true connection with the son or the DIL. They are really messed up and I don't think you can form relationships with people like that. There's no respect here for you (or vice versa) .. it's just not a good situation.

I think sometimes you just have to walk away. In this case, they need to go. I don't think there is any way you an fix things. It's not your responsibility, and no - I don't think you can do anything.

You gave them a chance. That's more than a lot of families do. You looked out for the grandkids. It's too bad, I don't think you'll get to make memories with them (at least not until these people get their act together) .. but having all this drama and dysfunction in your life is not worth it just to be close and have a connection with the grandkids.

Maybe that's why you're trying so hard to make this work - I get it. The grandkids would be a big incentive.

They need responsible parents more than grandparents though. So tough love ... I think that's the only way to go.

The past is the past - it's all hindsight now right? I think it's admirable you tried, but it's run it's course. Don't feel guilty, and remember the grandkids will do better having parents who actually have to step up.

Best of luck :)

To me you sound like nice people with big hearts but weak boundaries. Your husband was probably acting out of the guilt that he felt as a result of being estranged from his adult son. You wanted to support your husband.

The biggest error, imho, was plunging into this with minor child(ren) still at home. Your first obligation is always to minor kids. But this is not irreversible.

If your DIL wants to stomp around and storm off in a huff - let her.

If your step-son wants to listen to reason, tell him you will help them get set up in their own place *within reason* and for a SPECIFIC period of time (maybe 6 months, whatever you think is reasonable).

I would say all of this with love. I would NOT continue to be a doormat and an enabler for dysfunctional adult children.

JMO.

What a mess. I am sorry you all are having to deal with all if this. You thought they just needed a little help and instead they have a pile of problems.

It is time to have a sit down. Write out every bit of help you have given them so far. Add up all of the money.

Make a list of all of the things they have failed to do, but had promised they would do.

Then ask them how are they going to fix all of this. How are they going to get out of this financial hole and move out in their own.

It is obvious they are not responsible or trust worthy, so stay on guard.

If they cannot come up with solutions, then give them deadlines and stick with it.
Get jobs.
Pay you all back 10% per month.. If not 7.5% per month. Figure it out. Do not loan them any more money.

Or take the money they pay you back with, forgive that money once it has been paid back and give it to them to start over.

They need to be on their own, sink or swim. Do not save them again. We have all had to struggle. We have gone without. We have made poor choices and not asked for help. They can do this, but you have to allow them to take care of themselves, or for them to not take care of themselves.
It is the hardest part of being a parent, but we have to do it.

For your teen daughter? I would tell her how disappointed you are of her behavior. That you have lost trust of her and it will be a while until you can totally trust her again. Then take baby steps with her to build up that trust. Summer will be here soon, she needs to start looking for a summer job and volunteer opportunities, because I know she will not be sitting in your house all summer or expecting you to fund her summer fun. Summer babysitting, nanny, tutoring, lifeguard, cashier, movie theater, vacation bible school , summer camp counselor...keep her busy and she will stay out of trouble.

I'm pretty sure the best way to get nasty opinions is to put everyone on the defensive by telling your readers you're expecting them to be bitchy.

Good luck, whatever your problem is.

You all have done way too much for them and they are too comfortable and like having you and your husband funding everything for them. You have enabled them to continue mooching off you. Please cut your loses. You have helped them graciously. They are not self-sufficient and have no intent to get to that point. Give them a deadline to move out and stick to it. Let the mooches find so done else to live off of. And yes, they like the "free" ride and have ridden you/husband into the sunset. It's ok to cut them of and put them out. They need to grow up and they can't until they live on their own.

You are spending hundreds of dollars each month on them. Here's what you do. Find 4 houses that fit the son's paycheck from dad. Then tell the son in law that you'll pay the rent/house payment for 1 year. Then you can sit down and re-access where everyone is.

They'll need to earn enough to pay utilities and food and car costs. They should understand the wonder of this.

I think the DIL should just plan on being a stay at home mom or she should apply for child care assistance to pay for her needs. There isn't any reason they should have to entirely pay for child care. They can also get food stamps and medical cards and so much more to help them get on their feet.

Right now I'd put a code on my TV and not let them have it.

I will tell you that your older teen daughter already has her own problems and now she's found someone that will go along with her and try to pull the wool over your eyes. Don't blame this on the DIL, it sounds like your daughter was already having stuff going on before the son showed up.

I'd write off all the past money you've spent but I'd also let them know how much you've spent. There's no way I'd have gone and moved them a month early or 3 months early. I'd have told them you'd come when their lease was up and they were on the hook for their own damages and charges. They have no consequences for their care of that home.

I would never ever in any way co sign or help them with any sort of paying for damages in the new place either. I'd have it written in the lease with them there and the manager there and you and hubby that you are paying the rent and that only. That you are in no way legally or morally responsible for how these people treat their home or live in it.

I'd also consider buying because of that reason. If you can find them a reasonable 3 bedroom home that they can afford in a year then that's what I would do. Then put it completely in their name without any input from you guys unless you are as wealthy as you make it sound then you might want to just keep their home paid for them and buy it over time for them. If they move it's their house too. You could buy it outright then rent it to them. BUT kids tend to take advantage of that too. If they want to go on vacation and don't have enough money to pay rent to dad they just don't pay dad. They know he won't kick them out.

You have a lot of control issues too. It comes across a lot. If I were you I'd lock my TV and then go do stuff all day every day. As a matter of fact I'd probably just work M-F so I could have a break from them.

Maybe you can stop telling them if they want help parenting that you can show them how and you can let them do what they want and then when the kids are with you that's when you get to teach them. If you use every moment you can to teach them then they learn instead of continuing to act badly.