A Question About ADHD

I have read your message regarding your neighbor's child with ADHD. I would have to agree with you, I don't think it has very much to do with his ADHD. I have a (soon-2-be) 7 year old son that was diagnosed with ADHD when he was 5.

I must say that my son does have his "moments" but he does know his place. He says "please" "thank you" "excuse me". And he would never just walk into someone else's house without permission. And he would absolutely NEVER go into someone elses room or refrigerator without asking first!!!!. I would have to say that it must be comming from lack of dicipline. My son knows that when he is at someone's house that he is to act polite, help clean up, put away whatever he was playing with, and to NEVER demand ANYTHING from ANYONE. I instill these manners in my home as well as outside of the home.

It seems to me that this little boy that you are talking about has a very bad case of "DISRESPECT" and doesnt seem to have anything to do with his ADHD. I hope that I haelped in some sort of a way. Please feel free to reply and give me feedback as well

Well if the child is on medication and is still very hyperactive or even more hyperactive then he is not ADHD. Medications used for ADHD are stimulants. If a child is truely ADHD there is a chemical imbalance within the brain and the stimulant will act like a calming agent for it. If a child is not then it will just make him more hyper or won't change anything at all. I'm a nurse and we had to study all this stuff in school about all these medications. Some stuff you forget but that one always stuck. I find it very interesting. Hope this helps!

Hi L.,
You sound like a very caring and fair lady wanting to include this child in your family fun and not treat him any different from the other children who visit for whatever reason. I myself have 2 grandsons with disabilities. One with ADHD & one that was hard to diagnose and teated for ADHD when in fact he was found to have adollessent BiPolar. The one who has ADHD is treated with Meds that have worked for him and he is a sweetheart & very well behaved because of excellent parenting coupled with the right Meds for several years now. The other boy was taken off medications by my daughters decision for one because they weren't working. She was told that adolessant(excuse the spelling,lol)BiPolar is hard to diagnose at his age and the right kind of medication is hard to determine. She is also an excellent mom and he is very well behaved outside of school both in home and other peoples homes. She is adult BiPolar and I had the same problem with her as a child and was beside myself for years. But she recognized his symptoms because she experienced them herself. I have researched BiPolar online . Take a look yoursef at the 2 dissorders. There is alot of preoccupation with violent behavior. Obsession with weapons and even sex as they approach adolesence(did I get it right this time ?)Even OCD can be part of these disorders. It's good for you to understand these things L. but heres the thing. If it effects your family then you have to make a decision what is best for them. I'm sure you know this. You are not responsible for his behavior but if you invite him into your home you make it your responsibility. Do you want that? Is it healthy for your kids to be exposed to it? This boy is unpredictable and that could be dangerous. If you think some of it has to be bad parenting then please trust your instincts and approach the parent. I would say something like: I know it must be hard for you______. i can't imagine what it must be like but please understand that your boys behavior in my home has been unacceptable. I would ask that unless you are with him to watch over him while he's there , that he not come back until he is better behaved. he has invaded the privacy of my home and displayed undesireable behavior that I would rather my children not be exposed to.
I don't claim to be a professional but things do not get better as time goes on until these issues are handled properly and It is ultimately the parents responsibility.
I'd like to know what you think about what I said. Please email me back ____@____.com

J.
www.candlelitegrove.scent-team.com

PS. also he probably wants to sleep over because he feels and sees a more stable environment. Compliment to you.

Hi L., Well I just want to say you could be (very) right! These days the labeling is out of control. NOT to say there aren't kids who legitmately HAVE ADD, only that SOMEtimes they are just lack of dicipline! I have (3) personal experiences to share: #1). My neice (9=yrs old) her Dad (my brother) died in front of her (heart attack) & her Mom (my sis-in-law) left a few months later. My neice (& her 7yr old sister) was placed in custody of my sister. .. in a new school, clearly traumatized; yet the school was leaning toward ADD (my sister agreed) apparently there are more resources if the child IS ADD. I fought it (my sister had a similiar reaction to Antoinette who responded to your request below; took offense & actually my sister isn't speaking to me as a result, too much work; easier if she WAS ADD; more help from school she thought) I researched & found sadly (too) MANY children ARE mis-diagnosed (food related allergies, inner ear infections, etc all mimic the same symptons). My neice passed all her grades w/flying colors! No ADD label or drugs! Just some after school help! #2). My best-friends neice was ALSO diagnosed, treated (drugs) for ADHD & now she's reaching High School & was told: "oh, no it's not ADHD .. its.. " some sort of Bipolar! After treating allll those years? #3). This past weekend we had an out of town guest & her 3-1/2 yr old son-- he was running around, poor manners; I said it was CLEAR he was lacking dicipline but almost EVERYONE else disagreed; right away it was said "somethings wrong, he has ADD" "look he's not making eye contact". Of course he wasn't, he was too busy doing exactly what HE wanted to do, w/out stopping to look at anyone! When the Father heard this, he grabbed his arm & said "you look at people when they speak to you" & guess what! HE DID! The father works 2-jobs & clearly the MOm looked over-whelmed having also a 2-yr old girl. My point-- these days it's too easy to make EXCUSES for bad-parenting & bad-schooling! Yes, kids have ADD & its sad & difficult for the poor parents BUT there is ALSO STILL bad parenting!! What ever happend to "don't cry over spilled milk" ..replaced w/"dont cry over it--sue" . Accepting responsibilty is rare these days. People are too defensive. Dicipline & prayer missing--replaced w/guns & video games. It's sad but true-- many spoiled or kids simply missing much needed dicipline are QUICKLY labeled ADD. Just my opinion. Again, not to take away from those children who CLEARLY have ADD, etc. (I have an autistic neice). Take care. PS: Sorry but A Mom that doesn't know how to deal effectively w/a child is one thing -however- when that SAME Mom doesn't TRY to find out whats wrong & INSTEAD sends the problem child to a neighbors house? That fits the definition of "bad-parenting". Sorry if some find that offensive. The reply from Antoinette furhter proved my point. Evyerone is too sensitve these days; the truth is hard to handle & is exactly why society leans toward labeling.. SURELY No kid is simply bad or parents NOT doing their job anymore - must be clearly theres something wrong. ADD the most popular. You would think anyone with a LEGITIMATE ADD child would want to AVOID spoiled children mis-labled so that those children who CLEARLY are in need can have the resources (w/out straining the system) available & get the help they very much need & deserve. JUST my opinion!

Hi L. G. This child does sound like he is a victim of bad parenting. My 7 yr old son has been diagnosed with a mild form of ADHD, we do not have him on meds and during school we cut out sugar of any kind and he drinks a diet coke in the morning before school and at lunch time because caffine has the opposit effect on children as it does on adults. He uses his mannors and is a wonderful child, just hyper is all, takes things to the limit and past.

Sometimes children are digonosed with ADHD as a copout because the adults in their lives don't want to be bothered with them and the run rampid. Schools a lot of times will go along with this diagnosis because they get kick backs from the state when they have a child in the school with any kind of learning disability. Unfortunatly there isn't anything you are going to be able to do concerning the child, because until the mother takes a bigger, loving roll in his life, he will not change.

A Little about me:

I am a mother of 3, a daughter that is turning 11 and my 7 yr old son. We have a dog, cat guinea pig and 4 toads. I work full time, attend college on line and take care of my 2 kids, basically on my own. Their father lives with us, but he is an alcoholic and causes more problems then fixes when the bills are involved. He is not abusive just neglectfull. If anyone has any advice on that, I would greatly appreciate it.

hello, well you sure are a busy mom specially with all the pets you have. I think your suspicions are shared even though I don't know him. I'm a parent advocate at NAMI National Alliance on Mental Illness. I have heard horror stories and this child surely needs discipline in a positive way of course, I think you have to put boundaries and teach him to respect your house, we have conference calls you can do from home or work at lunch time, but unfortunately we don't have any now in the summer months back in June we had it, But I'll find out if I can lend you the recording so you can hear from experts on what ADHD is really all about. Let me know if you are in New York and my email is ____@____.com getting back to this child he has a bit of oppositional defiance-OD since you have explained the things you like and don't like; but until his dx gets checked by a good spychologist we wont know whats going on on his head.
Is sad that this parent does not realized the harm she is doing.
Let me know if you are interested. I'm a parent of a child with mild PDD-autism high functioning and I can really say is very difficult as a parent of a child with a condition for other parents to understand how difficult it is to be in my shoes.
good luck
G.

My 9yr old daughter has ADHD and she always uses her manners. Sounds like this kid does have some courtesy and respect issues. Hopefully someone will give her a clue to her sons disrespect. Good luck!

Just my opinion, but this has nothing to do with ADHD.This child seems to have few manners and you should be firm with him as you would with your children if they disrespected you. I have had neighbor boy go into my refrigerator - luckily I was there at the time and let him know in no uncertain terms that he was not to do that. He also used foul language with me and I straightened that out too. He has never disrespected me or my house since, and I enjoy having him come over now. Kids are not allowed to wander in my house - my son ensures that no one does this. I had a friend whose son and daughter came over ages 9 adn 12, would touch everything in sight, looked thru my mail, tried to go upstairs when everyone was downstairs. The mother was present and she had to keep telling both of them to stop. After they left, I never encouraged my son to have them visit again. Neither of these kids had ADHD. Their mom was a great parent they were just nosy children. My son has mild ADHD and everyone tells me how nice and polite he is.

I have a 14 year old brother in law that has ADHD and he has alot of the issues that you stated. There are different degrees of this illness. While it does sound like the parent has issues with parenting and the child is annoying remember that it is an illness and sometimes they just have no control over bad behavior. I used to get so frustrated around him that i didnt want my kids around him but i realized it wasnt fair to him and it wasnt his fault. Once i became accepting and did my research these encounters with him became alot less stressful. If your friends talk to the mom, her bad parenting skills may come from not knowing how to deal and just giving up. She might just need a friend to tell her they see whats going on and how hard it is and they understand, you might be of some help to her by sharing information you have gathered. Remember that just as you feel annoyed or overwhelmed by his visits to your home, imagine 24hrs a day with it.

Hi L.. I am a clinical social worker and specialize in working with children. I have had many clients who have been diagnosed with ADHD. Sure, this child's behavior can be a result of his parents discipline, or lack thereof. (Just like the rest of our children) Keep in mind though, children with an ADHD diagnosis have poor impulse control (going into your room without asking) and they often struggle socially and are often unaware of how others view their behavior.

It is a possibility that he has been misdiagnosed, BUT it also is a possibility that he is not on the right meds/correct dosage. Mom and dad could also not be giving him his meds consistently or at all... I have come across many parents that choose not to medicate their kids during the summer. Never made sense to me, but I have seen it.

You described him as "annoying".... yes, people can easily be irritated by a child with poor impulse control & social skills and is needy. Keep in mind, if he has ADHD, this is a neurological disorder and something he cannot control. Try to be patient with him, and be as clear as possible about rules in your home. It's really tough to have this disorder and it can greatly impact a child's self-esteem. Hang in there. Hope this helps.