"A Mother Without Birthing a Child"

Hi S.,

You sound like an amazing person with great strenght.
Go to a fertility center to be diagnosed and then make decisions on how to move forward.

Good Luck.

Go get tested! It may be something simple, it may not. But at least you will know. If it is something simple, you can possibly get it fixed and have the child you want. If not, you can always adopt another child who needs loving parents.

I too believe that God has a plan and a purpose. Seek His will. Also, I don't believe that God would punish anyone by not giving them a child. His timing is always perfect, even when we can't see. Conversely, when he chooses not to do something, we have to be just as accepting.

To that end, I would encourage you to find out what could be going on with your body. Modern medical science has so many ways of helping most of the things that could be wrong.

Think how much easier finding support would be once you know what could be wrong. Then again.. could be nothing but timing.

I will pray for you!

Dear S.,

My husband and I have been married for almost 11 years now. We have been pregnant 3 times and have no surviving children. There have been two miscarriages. Our second preganancy I carried to term and gave birth to an amazing and gorgeous little boy we named Riley. He passed away at the age of four months from a rare neurodegenerative disorder called Spinal Muscular Atrophy. Every time we attempt to get pregnant we risk having another child with the same disorder. We have explanations for SMA. They cannot, however, explain the miscarriages. We even tried four in vitro transfers, but none of those pregnancies took. I share this with you because I understand your frustration and fear of failure. We keep trying, though we're terrified each test will bring us closer to even more bad news. Our continuing question has been when do we stop? We are unable to afford adoption at this time. See your doctors...IF there is a problem they might be able to help. At least then you'll know for sure and you can make the decision of what to do next together.

Hi S.,
I'll tell you my story. I was in the same boat, I practically raised 2 of my nieces and one nephew. I felt like a mother to them and still do. Their children now are like my grandchildren. We had been married for over 12 yrs, tried to have a baby for 8 of those.All the while, my family was all having babies, all of my friends had babies, but not me. I had all the dr. visits, the tests and so on, nothing could be determined except when I went to an endocrinologist he said my adrenaline gland was putting out too much adrenaline which in turn knocked everything out of whack in my body. He put me on a very low dose of prednisone daily. I had no side affects from it, my periods got regulated and were normal, but still no pregnancy. I saw my OBGYN every 3 months, the last time I saw him, he was going to start me on Clomid the next time I came if nothing happened. I just basically gave up then and thought, Ok God! Whatever your will is, let it be done. I am not going to dwell on this any more. On my own I started the Basil temperature charting right then. That was like in the first part of September. In Nov. I got so sick I thought I was dying for a solid week. Just thought it was the flu because it passed. The end of Nov. I had no period! Just for the heck of it, I had a pregnancy test done, not even thinking I was pregnant at all. But when I got the results, I almost fainted. I WAS pregnant. I had a perfect pregnancy, no sickness from then on, no problems at all, but did give birth about 3 weeks early to a healthy little 5 lb girl and I was 30 yrs old. I was happy with the time I spent with my nieces and nephew, and would have been content with that if that was all I had. We were even discussing adoption because I feel like it doesn't have to be a birth mother to be a mother. There is so many kids out there that needs a "mother" and don't have one. But I was overly happy with my own child and I've never stopped thanking the Lord for her every day. She is now 20 yrs old, that little petite girl turned out to be a beautiful tall young lady. I did get pregnant once again 2 yrs later after she was born with triplets! Had no triplets in the family at all, everyone ask if I took chlomid, but I hadn't, it was just another incident like the first time, unexpected! I lost one of them right after I found out I was pregnant, was put on bed rest. Lost the other ones 4 weeks later. It broke my heart, but yet, I was thankful I lost them that early and not after they had started to move, or better yet after they were born, I hope you understand that, it wasn't that they weren't a baby already, just that it hadn't been realized yet and real to me yet. Then I never got pregnant again, so I think I got what God intended me to have and that is it. Looking back, I tell you all that, to tell you this. I think I was really dwelling on it too much and stressed out over it and could have been sabatoging myself. As soon as I gave up, and ready to accept God's Will and not my own, then it took place. I understand the void you have, I did feel some of that too when one of my friends would have a new baby, but understand this, you ARE a mother! Like I said, a mother doesn't have to give birth to be a mother. I'm sure your adopted son could tell you that right now. He is blessed to have you, you are special already! Please don't dwell on this, and count your blessings that you have right now. You have a wonderful man in your life, and you have a son now, if you quit dwelling on it, you might also be blessed with a child from this union. We do need to help ourselves though, and if you do marry this man and decide you do want to try to have a child, then by all means go to the dr. or several different dr.'s, have the tests and know for sure if you can or you can't, it might just be something simple like my case was and here you've went all this time worrying about it. If you should find out for sure that you can't, then don't fret about it, count your blessings that you have already and adopt another poor child that NEEDS you to be their MOTHER! People might say, 'thats easy for you to say' to me, but I truly believe in my own heart, you don't have to give birth to one to be a mother. You are in my prayers! Let God take control and bless! Remember you are already a very SPECIAL person for being that MOTHER to your son!

I am almost 39 and have never given birth but I am the mother of a beautiful 5-year-old boy who we adopted at 16-months-old. I still have twinges of greif about not being pregnant and giving birth. It has changed though, I don't so much regret that I couldn't get pregnant and give birth in general as I wish I could have had the joy of carrying and giving birth to the son we have.
You must know that God does not punish us for the things we do. Why would he? He loves us. Some things just happen. I too used to think I was being punished for something but I now know that God had a plan for my husband and I to parent this particular child. It was meant to be. I think you should first go to the doctor and make sure you are okay. You don't want to do anything that would put your health in jepordy and result in your wonderful 11-year-old son having another loss in his life. After addressing your physical health it may be a good idea to have some counseling for your infertility issues. I know infertility can be a very deep, long term issue that may need to be addressed periodically as you go through different stages in your life, just as your son probably goes through different feelings about adoption as he grows. Please also be careful how this may be coming across to your son. You certainly don't want him to feel as though he is not "good enough" because he is not your biological child.

You sound like a wonderful mother and birth does NOT make the mother, the HEART does. I would definitely see the Dr. just to confirm or deny any issues and with your faith in God, I would then fully place all trust in Him that maybe someone as special as you are has a higher purpose on earth than to give birth. I am thankful that I have been able to bear children, but at the same time, I am no more a mother than you are and I think God will reward your efforts with as many children as you could possibly dream of, but you just might not birth them.

May God bless you.

S.,
I would suggest that you see a doctor. If you are afraid of something being wrong that you don't know about, thats ok. You're a normal person. But even if there is something wrong, it might be something you can fix. Since you are a believer, don't forget to rest in the Lord. You have hope. Something that unbelievers don't understand. But God made you a woman, and with that comes a desire to nurture and grow. He designed you that way! At the same time, the Lord loves His adopted children as His own. There is a testimony in that. I will be praying for you. Here are some passages to cling to, that are God's love letter to you. I'm sure you already know them, but sometimes it's a good reminder! Romans 8:15, Galatians 4:5-7, and Ephesians 1:3-10 (this one in Ephesians is especially encouraging!) I will be praying that the Lord will grant you the desires of your heart as you delight in Him! (Psalm 37)
~J.

You may or may not be able to birth a child. The big questions, I think is whether you can fully accept yourself with or without birthing a child and what your purposes are for having this child.

My sister wanted to have another child for at least 10 years. They tried to get pregnant and both of them went through several years of medical tests, trying this and that. It was emotionally, physically and spiritually challenging for her to go through it. Many months, when she started her period, she was devastated. Over the years, she went through layers and layers of reasons for wanting a child so badly. I watched her peel away the ones that didn't serve her or her family or this child-to-be one by one. She let go of having to have a baby to keep thinking of herself as young. She let go of having a baby to cover up her sense of loss as her daughter grew more independent of her. She let go of needing to prove she could do it. She let go of having the baby to please her husband. She let go of the idea that she was somehow broken if she couldn't have that baby.

And at each stage, when she let go of a reason to have a baby, she also uncovered deeper, better reasons to keep on trying. She and her husband are bright, loving, parents who have so much to offer a child. She had a vision of their family welcoming this little guy and raising him to be someone who brings great joy and a unique contribution to the people around him as a child and most of all, as an adult. She wanted to give the world another person who was well-loved, encouraged, and launched forth to make a difference.

They went through the process of qualifying to adopt, but where they live in Argentina, there are very few children available for adoption and even smaller possibilities for an American living there to get to adopt. They even signed up to adopt an older child with no luck. They kept on the lists, did everything they were asked to do, but never got a child.

In the mean time, she kept going with the possibility of having a baby. Finally, after three in vitro fertilization attempts, she had a baby boy this summer. And it's a good thing that she has such powerful reasons for being his mom because he is a handful!

I don't know if her story is helpful to you, but I was moved to send it to you.

M.

I feel you are a Mother of many. And God has given you a wonderful gift to be that. Touch a child with loving arms and just maybe if it is God's will you will see a miracle of that wonderful love of a Mother.

it takes more to being a mom than giving birth, God puts very special people on this earth to be adoptive parents. there are so many children born into this world that need someone to be their mommy besides the one that gave birth, sounds like you are one of these special moms. as you stated nothing is impossible with God Matt 19:26 and all things work together for the good for those who love God and are called according to His purpose. Romans 8"28 you have been 'called" to be a mom to the parentless child. good luck with this new child you are adopting. remember we are all adopted by God Romans 8:15 let us hear how you are doing J.

S.,
I'm not sure how much support or advice you are looking for. I am an owner of a Yahoo support group called Heart_of_glass. Feel free to check out our homepage. The women in the group are wonderful. We've dealth with infertility, fostercare, adoption, births and alot of other fertility medical issued and there is always someone there to support you. We'd love to have you if it sounds like something that would be of help. Please take care,
S.

S.,
I'm sorry for your heartache. Please know that God is in control and don't blame yourself or think that he is displeased with you. The God that I know is not vindictive or witholding. Sometimes we don't get what we want in this moment, but it is all part of a bigger plan. It sounds to me like your heart is in the right place. You have this yearning and that is natural, and nothing is impossible.
As far as seeking medical advise, please don't shy away from it out of fear that there may be something wrong. If there is something wrong, science is in a place to help you with those problems. There are many people out there with fertility problems who, with the help of doctors, wind up having the children they so desire. Never close your eyes to something for fear of what the truth may be. The truth will always be the truth, whether or not you want to see it. Closing your eyes will only keep you from embracing that truth, and moving on to what God has for you.
Finally, if you wind up not having a child from your own womb, don't think that you are less of a woman. You have mothered and are a mother regardless. As hard as it may be, if you can relax and accept and even embrace your role as a purely adoptive mother, your life will be much fuller. Also, many say that anxiety is a major reason for not conceiving, so relax and don't obsess. Everything will be fine.
Hope this helps.
-K.

I didn't experience childbirth until I was 32. I had been married before but never got married..good thing we ended in a divorce and he finally said he didn't want the responsibility of kids anyway...I had gone through all kinds of tests, some were really embarassing to me, and finally they blew gas through my fallopian tubes saying I had a blockage and that I should get pregnant..but I didn't. After I divorced, I dated a few different ppl and like four years later i finally re-married..I got pregnant the first time we tried..I couldn't believe it, I didn't believe the pregnancy test and went to the doctor..he said yes I was and said it was a miracle...I still didn't believe it until I saw the pic on the ultrasound...here I was at age 32 and for the first time in my life pregnant...I was shocked! So, don't give up and I do advise going to the doctor and seeing what they say..it wouldn't be fair to whoever you marry if they wanted kids and you couldn't have any. It's a stress that you will always worry about, get it off your mind by finding out! L.

I had fertility issues...and I am a huge believer as well. I also know that God helps those who help themselves. If you don't go to the doctor...how will you know if it is something as minor as not having fully healthy eggs, that can be treated with Chlomid (how I got two of my three boys) or something more? Make an appointment, find out what you are dealing with...and then, if it is going to be worth it, take action. Don't feel as though you have to be pregnant. It is a wonderful thing, but so is taking on children that either weren't wanted, or couldn't be taken care of. What an amazing gift! Not only did God entrust you with these little guys, you had to go through a process to make sure other humans would. Take heart and fear not, for the Lord is with you!

Get your hind parts to the doctor PDQ and find out for sure what if any problem there is...sitting around guessing and stressing over it will help nothing !!! To whom or what are you referring regarding "your failure" ??? You do not know if it failure on your part...and why would you conside it YOUR failure...there could very well be a reason for this.. God does not revel to us His plans for our lives...you know, if there is something "wrong" who says it can't be fixed ??!!?? Get to the doc and begin the process of finding out if there is something really wrong...and if there is...can it be fixed...stop stressing about something that you are only guessing about...find out the facts !!!

YOU need to go to the doc and find out, it is that simple. You are fearing the unknown and fear is not from the Lord. Maybe you do invetro with this new guy and get that mini me you so desire. So what if you have a problem, deal with it and find a way around it. press on don't be a victim be in charge and go for it. You are young, You can handle this, the devil is trying to stop you thru all the self doubt. Get thee behind me Satan!!! Now get on your feet and move out soldier!

S.,
There are a lot of little children out there that are lost and without parents. Waiting to be adopted into good homes with mommies and daddies who will love them unconditionally. As sad as it may make you to not have a child of your own, and you wondered if you were doing God's will, have you ever thought that this is the way that God has chosen for you to do His will? Many women have babies that don't need them, and can't take care of them. It seems so easy to bring babies into the world these days, and yet where is the love for these wee ones. Any mother can have a baby, but it takes a lot more than that to be a MOM. I am a Christian lady and I relate to God in lots of ways and His Spirit is strong with me, more times than others. My dreams come true at times, or at least something will happen to remind me of them. My feeling on this is that you should heavily concentrate on caring for the little boy you have and the little girl who is "on the way." Not many people are chosen to adopt children, S.. It takes a real special kind of person to even be accepted by the state to be allowed to adopt. So even though you are feeling less worthy because you can't have a child of your own, you should feel so blessed and honored to be able to save these children from a life without parents and a real sense of family and being wanted. I feel that if you just go on with your day to day life and devote yourself to your "children" then things will fall into place. It's like I've heard all my life, " A watched pot never boils," or so it seems.
Look at Sarah in the Bible, God blessed her with a son, in her old age.
I wish you well, and I didn't write this to put a damper on your spirits concerning having a child of your own, but to help you see that you are truly a God given blessing to children who have nobody to love them and care for them at all. I hope things work out for the best for you. God bless you, R.

S.,

I have a child and its a great experience but I want you to know that "physically" giving birth is not the only way you are a "mother". My mom worked a lot and even though we are closer now, I had other female figures in my life that I called mother and I wouldn't trade them just as I haven't traded my own mother. I went to one lady's house with my siblings and we used to bake cookies, caramel apples, go to the park, and watch movies. Another lady let us ride her horses and another invited us over to watch the little mermaid and play with her REALLY big dog--We called him Clifford.
So I wouldn't worry about being what society considers a mom. Be you and love children no matter who they are because they are a blessing for everyone to enjoy. It's really hard for some people to accept children that way so if its you, then be a mom to everyone because sometimes the haven is the best thing a young person can have. I hope I helped you feel better about the situation. God Bless.

i truly believe that God has a purpose for everything and everything in life. HIS will will be done, in HIS time. God could forsee that your 1st marriage would not last so maybe he chose not to bless you jsut yest because of that reason. Kudos to you for adopting a child and giveing him the love and support that his bios could not. My hubby is sdopted and is very proud of that fact. But you definitely need to go to see a gyno. he/she can run tests to find out what if anything is preventing you from getting pregnant. and if there is something wrong, they can help correct the situation or inform you of other options...i.e. in vitro, surrogacy, fertility meds. Jsut keep praying and be pacient. things will work out.

HI S.! I just saw your post and thought I would respond.

You say you are "a firm believer in what God can and will do
in your life no matter what the obstacle." Have you taken this to God in prayer? Do you have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior? Because God is under no obligation to us if we have no relationship w/Jesus. Jesus came to interceed for us. Secondly, God is a God of order. So by his rules we need to follow them and then he will answer the desires of our heart. In his rule book, the Bible, it is marriage first. I am only able to say theses things to you, because I was a non-believer for so long. Then in 2005, realizing that I was a mess w/o Him, trying to do things my way, resulting in disaster, I surrendered to Him. He saved me, my marriage and my family. These results came from prayer and folowing His Ways. The problem with many people today is that they want to assimulate Jesus to their ways. "Jesus said, I am the way, and the truth, and the life,; no one comes to the Father, but through Me." John 14:6 (NASB)

Take this to God in prayer and if you have not asked Jesus to forgive you of your sins and come into your heart, please due and continue to pray about this and for God to work His will in your life. God says come before the throne "BOLDLY". In the book of James, it says,". . . You do not have because you do not ask." James 4:2 (NASB).

You also might want to read about Hannah in the Old Testament, she had the same desires as you and after humbling herself before Him, He fulfilled her hearts desire.

I have just had such an awsome experience since I accepted Christ as my Savior, I want everyone to experience His joy and peace.

I will continue to pray for you and if you need a Pastor refence in this area or a church I will be glad to get that to you.

In Christ,
D.

Not to be too personal or judgemental - but if you are not already having relations with your boyfriend, maybe the problem of not conceiving was with your first husband, not you. But if 'it' is not happening with this man either, it could be you, and like a good friend of mine (also 36 and finally just had her first baby), you may have a problem that can be worked around - a miracle of medical science and all that.

I personally applaud adoption and foster care over trying too hard (and spending too much money) on something that hasn't occurred naturally. I love that you are and have already provided a loving home for a child that otherwise would not have a family to call his/her own. We are hoping to adopt or foster children soon, although we have 3 of our own biological children. I thought I was "done" having kids after my daughter was born, but have still desired at least one more, one that God provides however He sees fit. Even though all my pregnancies took me by surprise, and I didn't feel prepared - God gave me 3 wonderful (and all very different looking) children that I love more than life itself. However, I do not feel that I love them more than I could love a child borne of someone else's body. Maybe, like the other Mama said, Satan is trying to make you unsatisfied and pull you away from God, wondering why the Lord won't give His faithful what they ask for.

No matter what you decide, let prayer lead you. God will provide everything you need to make you happy!

God Bless,
A. V

I was in the same situation,at 35 not having children. I went to my gyn and had the testing done. With his help, which was as simple as knowing when I ovulate and suplemented progestirone for the first three months I, at 37 and 39 had two beautiful baby girls. The best part was the human body is a amazing thing because at the age of 43 I had a health baby boy with No help. My body learned what to do after baby #1. Do not be afraid to find out. Make sure you find the right Doctor and go for it.

It sounds as if you are a deep rooted Christian ...is it poossible that you have only been intimate with you're prior husband and few others??? Maybe God has you waiting for the right man? But the most important thing is to remember to meet God half way...so take a deep breath and make that appointment.. God is very busy so somtimes he delagates some of the miracles !

Hi S.... just letting you know I had fertility issues. I was also nervous to find out what exactly was going on, but I thank God that I did. My problem turned out to be very fixable! My body naturally produced a low level of progesterone and all I needed was a prescription medication. It still took almost another year to get pregnant, but I am blessed to be the mother of a little girl. I know it can be scary, but modern medicine has come a long ways! I got on with the Fertility Center in Chattanooga and I feel like they were a blessing from God.

I don't want to scare you but if you are 35 I really think you should go to the doctor ASAP. There might be something they can do for you now but if you wait a few more years it might be too late. It varies from woman to woman but usually fertility declines quite a bit around the age of 35. My advice would be don't wait any longer. There is a lot of technology that can help you if you still have ovary function. They can test your ovary function by drawing blood on day 3 of your period and testing your FSH level. If it is below 10 that indicates ovary function. If you don't have ovary function you might be able to do in vitro fertilization using a donor egg but of course the baby won't be biologically yours. You would still get to experience pregnancy though. Please go to the doctor and find out what your options are. Then you can think about it and pray about it and decide what is right for you. We are really blessed to live during a time when there is so much technology to help us. Take advantage of it!

More women than you know have unexplained infertility. It could have been a combination of fertility issues with both partners. It's not always "just the woman". This was the case for my husband and I. At age 39, I underwent IVF. We were fortunate that it worked the first time, and even though I vividly recall my doctor saying "expect one baby", we got three. So, be careful what you wish for! I was on bedrest at 19 weeks, and my children were born at 27 1/2 weeks, so I never really got to experience the best part of a pregnancy. I only felt them move once. Children are a lot of work, and are very expensive, especially if they end up having special needs. All of this puts a strain on a marriage, and they are only babies for a very short amount of time. If you are already in the process of adopting another child, you may want to wait another year or so to see how you and your potential spouse adjust to the change in lifestyle, and then if you still want to experience pregnancy, and have a child together, then seek out a fertility specialist. This would also be a good time to do some research into insurance coverage because very few insurance companies cover IVF. We spent about $14K, and that was seven years ago.