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Updated on March 09, 2012
M.R. asks from Odessa, TX
29 answers

A month ago today, I went in for my 11 week sonogram and sadly discovered that my baby had passed away at 9 weeks. I had no signs of trouble..no bleeding or cramping. I chose to have a D & C. I have two beautiful children so I know that I am already extremely blessed. I just think about the baby every day. Since the third was not planned, I have so much guilt in my heart. I had no idea what it felt like when other women talked about losing a baby during pregnancy....and I never thought that I would. I am so sorry. My heart goes out to all of you who have gone through this.
My heart is so sad. Our loss has solidified just how much I want another child. My husband has opened his heart as well.
I am consumed with the sadness, the ‘what ifs” and the guilt. God is so solid. I lean on him every day. I also have a wonderful family who has been extremely supportive. I will always remember that day and my precious baby for the rest of my life.
How do you let your heart heal?

What can I do next?

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So What Happened?

You know, I typed up the question twice before I decided to submit it. I am so glad that I did. For one, the genuine and heartfelt responses that I received have absolutely confirmed that there are wonderful people out there with kind hearts. You ladies have no idea how much I appreciate your thoughts and prayers! I was able to take a step back and realize that there are so many families out there who have gone through the same sadness. Many of you have had very sad and unfortunate events in your lives..far beyond what I could ever imagine. Please know that you have touched one more life. You have impacted one more person. I cried reading the responses, but they were peaceful tears.
I am going to continue leaning on God, my family, and good people like you. I am hopeful that God will bless us again! Until then, I pray for peace in my heart. Thank you for taking the time to help another mom.

More Answers

K.I.

answers from Los Angeles on

Time.

Time will heal.

I am sorry for your loss.

We are quickly approaching my sad day too, April 1st.

Lots of us have been there and understand what you are going through!

5 moms found this helpful
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J.C.

answers from Philadelphia on

I am so sorry your baby died. It is so hard and until you have been there you just can't understand the magnitude of the loss.
My son would have been 11 years old yesterday. He died when he was 17 days old. It is still hard but with time you get better at coping with the loss. I suggest you read books about miscarriages and early infant death. Loosing a child is an isolating experience but reading others stories made me feel less alone.
God bless you!

5 moms found this helpful

☼.S.

answers from Los Angeles on

I am so very sorry for your loss. I lost a baby at 10 weeks, our first. What I never realized is that so so many women have gone through this. Once it happens to you, you more fully realize it. Many friends/co-workers stepped forward to tell me their stories and I was amazed at the support I received. One co-worker, in her late 50s, told me her story of losing her baby at the 7 month mark and having to carry the baby to term ... and deliver. That must have been so hard to go through. But mostly, you just let your heart heal on it's own and it does take some time. You have all those pregnancy hormones coursing through you. For me, it probably took a good 3 months or so for me to get back to being myself and ready to move forward with life. Best of luck to you and take care of yourself. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

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☆.A.

answers from Pittsburgh on

I'm sorry.
I've had three miscarriages. It IS hard.
Just just the passing of time, itself, helps.

I will tell you this--it's nothing you did or didn't do. Drop any guilt.
Soooooo many pregnancies end in miscarriage, it boggles the mind. You'll see now that you've had O.--I was shocked at how many of my friends, coworkers, etc. shared their experiences when I miscarried.

It's normal & natural to grieve.
If you feel like you're getting "stuck" in this grief, please find a grief counselor or group.
Again--very sorry for your loss.

4 moms found this helpful
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K.S.

answers from Denver on

First of all, I'm sitting here crying as I read this. I know other moms will as well. It is such a hard loss. I am so sorry for what you are going through and your loss. And you are so kind for feeling sad for other women during this time of grief for you.

I wish I had a better answer for how you heal. But the truth is that it just takes time. You have to find a balance of acknowledging the loss and allowing yourself to feel sad, and starting to move forward. Do whatever you need to grieve. Maybe write notes to put in a balloon and release it. Anything symbolic may help. Or doing something to help others- donate some time, clothing, groceries, or money to a home for teen moms or battered women's shelter. Helping others is always a good way to help find that balance.

Don't let anyone make you feel bad for how long you need to grieve. It's different for everyone. Take your time, and just know that each day will be a little better than the day before. How much better? Only you will know that.

God bless you and your family. And thanks for making me have to re-do my make up. :-)

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S.H.

answers from Columbus on

I am so sorry for your loss, and am praying for you. Know that you are not alone, I in fact just suffered through a miscarriage at nine weeks pregnant just 3 short weeks ago. My heart is broken, this was the third one for me, and each time it is devastating. You will begin to heal....in time.

I made a box for my angel and have in it the positive pregnancy tests, the lab work, the ultrasound pictures taken just 2 days before and the note from the flowers my dad sent to me. It helps knowing I have these things to look at when I need to. I also chose to name my angel, although I didn't know the sex, I chose a feminine name. I like to think that God kept my 3 babies to wait for me in heaven since I love the tiny newborn stage, when my time comes and I am reunited with them...I will always have tiny babies to hold. It has helped me get through.

My heart aches for you (and me) but I know in time....God will heal us and place a baby in our arms. Until then, I will pray for Him to give us strength and courage to mourn and heal.

Blessings

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L..

answers from Roanoke on

I'm so sorry, M., and I feel your pain. We lost our first (and only thus far) baby in the same way you did last year at 12 weeks. I know it hurts. I felt numb for a little while, but time and prayer do heal. Take this time and hug your hubby and kids close, and know that you did NOTHING wrong.

One of the best things that helped me was opening up to my husband about it, and not keeping my emotions bottled up. I made a little book that has all my pregnancy notes, ultrasound pictures, and a few other things in it. Aside from a memento if you wish, just give it time. Your body will heal, your mind will mend, and you can try again. My heart goes out to you.

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E.F.

answers from Kalamazoo on

I am so, so sorry for your loss. Time and another pregnancy helped me.

PS - I bet you are incredible mom. You're experiencing all this pain and your thoughts go out to others who have experienced this? Wow. I can feel your warmth and empathy.

2 moms found this helpful

D.K.

answers from Sioux City on

I am so sorry. I know how hard it is. We lost two children before they were born. Our little girl at 31 weeks and our son at 16 weeks. Time helps. I know God got me through the worst parts.

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J.S.

answers from Los Angeles on

I'm so sorry for your loss. I've Had to mourn the loss of four pregnancies and I can only say my heart never healed. I think of those babies every day pray for them every night. I was angry after my second loss and the book grieving the child I never knew helped me a great deal. I have leaned on the Lord to pull me through and the joy of bring a mommy to my wonderful son. I don't think anything really helps. Time will numb the loss but it will always be there like an old scar. I made a folder for each baby with ultrasound pictures, cards from family even lab tests. It helped me to confirm that each precious baby was here, growing inside of me, letting me love it for however long each one was with me. For everyone else, even my husband the loss is sad but so ephemeral. For me it is a different experience. I'm sending prayers of healing your way right now. I'm so so sorry for your loss.

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P.B.

answers from Houston on

Have you ever read the book, "Heaven is REAL"? You may want to. It put a smile on my face and made me look at that missed life differently. I lost one between my 2 and figure God knows best. I don't know why YET, but He does and there was a reason. I'm sorry for your loss.

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C.O.

answers from Washington DC on

M.:

Please, please, please! DO NOT feel guilty!! You did nothing wrong!!!

I've lost 3 babies - the worst was at 22 weeks. And as early as 12 weeks. I understand your pain. Please know you did NOT do anything wrong!! It's been six years and 2 weeks for me. The pain doesn't ever go away but it does lessen over time.

My heart goes out to you. Keep leaning on God. He will get you through this!!

2 moms found this helpful

Y.C.

answers from Orlando on

I am sorry for your lost.
Is never a easy thing to go through, every one heals different.
For some time is the best you can do, be kind to your self, knowing that he (she) is part of you (and your family) in here or there.
I am glad that you have a supportive family and surrounded with loved ones, I found that the most helpful for me.
Please don't feel guilt, don't also get your emotions hidden if your need to talk or talk when you need silence.
My heart goes to you and your husband.
Hope another blessing comes in your way soon too.

1 mom found this helpful

J.U.

answers from Washington DC on

Alow yourself time to heal. It will take a while and you never forget, it just gets easier with time to go through each day. You feel alone I am sure but, you aren't. There are so many women who have gone through this and it is different for each one of us. Lean on your husband and family if you can and just take some time here and there for a few tears.

I sat on my swing outside and have a cry by myself. I also took walks, a lot of walking. My heart goes out to you! It wasn't your fault in any way. Take care.

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M.M.

answers from Detroit on

I am so sorry, M..

1 mom found this helpful
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J.B.

answers from Atlanta on

I am sorry for your loss. I think anytime we experience a loss, it just takes time to feel better. Some losses we never "get over" -we just "get beyond." Give yourself a break and give yourself time. I know everyone hates hearing, "Time heals all wounds," -and it may not completely heal all of them -but it will get better.

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R.J.

answers from Seattle on

Time.

Time doesn't heal, you just get stronger.

1 mom found this helpful
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N.R.

answers from Houston on

First off sorry for your loss. Secondly and I appologize if this is repeated info, but baby center has an online grief and support group. I went there last august after I lost my twins boys at 22 weeks, don't get me wrong the mommas here are very caring and thoughtful but there u can lay it all out and the mommas there will know what ur going thru, for me its nice to know that I'm not alone, I don't know about you but there are times when I feel like no one understands me and every one around has moved on but for me all I can think about is my boys... Anyhow I just wanted to suggest that to you, I wish you peace and healing and I will keep u in my thoughts and prayers.

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M.G.

answers from Kansas City on

I am very sorry for your loss and your mourning and sadness are certainly understandable. My hope for you is to move past the feelings of guilt. Most pregnancies end because there was something wrong with the baby, not due to actions of the mother. Baby is so well protected in mother's womb that even those babies born to mothers on drugs can be unaffected. You don't mention what you are guilty about in particular, but sometimes we just think "if I'd just done this or that", in all likelyhood nothing you did or didn't do would have changed the outcome. The baby/child that could have been will always be a part of you, but time will help to heal your heart.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

M.

1 mom found this helpful

E.K.

answers from Seattle on

Time. That's the only answer. And even then, the heart doesn't fully heal. You'll always remember. I delivered 2 children who were stillborn. It's excruciating...and haunting. But it does get better. There is hope. There is life after loss. I think about my sons every single day. I even have their ultrasound pictures hanging in my office. It's ok to remember and think about your baby.

I really recommend talking to a counselor or someone before you get pregnant and WHILE you're pregnant. You'll need some help navigating the anxiety - I know I did. But all in all, give yourself some time and space. Let yourself cry as often as you need to. Maybe even host a small memorial service for the baby.

I also recommend naming the child. If you don't know the gender, think about a gender neutral name like Morgan. That has really helped me to think of my sons as people, and not as accidents.

It will all work out. You're in my prayers.

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M.P.

answers from Raleigh on

I am so sorry. Time will eventually soften the pain you feel right now, but you will never, ever forget that baby you lost. It's tough though at first, and just know that it's normal to feel a range of emotions. I'll never forget how I felt as I sat next to a pregnant woman waiting for my D&C to be scheduled at the gyn's office. No words can describe that pain. There were times I felt so alone, angry, numb, and helpless. And just when I thought I was returning to normal, it would hit again like a ton of bricks. However, I know now that was just part of the grieving process and is completely normal. Don't feel guilty about what and how you feel. Just take things one day at a time for now. You'll get through it. *hugs*

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K.B.

answers from Tulsa on

allow yourself time to heal. not only will it be better on all of you, it will be better on future baby.
i am sorry for your loss. I had the D&C and it was heartbreaking. I actually didn't even know I was pregnant because I often skipped periods.
You are likely to have another healthy baby when you are ready.

1 mom found this helpful

V.C.

answers from Dallas on

I am so very sorry for your loss. I pray that you are able to release the guilt and heal from this sorrow.

1 mom found this helpful
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G.G.

answers from Austin on

I'm so sorry about your loss. The second you know your pregnant, you are attached. I know how you feel, I've been there. Lost mine at 14 wks. For me, it took getting pregnant again. It was much more stressful when I did finally get pregnant. ...and I had a miscarriage scare for the second time! Miraculously, it wasn't a miscarriage and I went on to have a healthy baby. Time has helped with healing, I think that's all you can do. I do think about what she would have looked like and been like. I think I'll always wonder and remember her.

✿.3.

answers from Reading on

Good Morning,

I, too, was in your shoes. I had a beautiful daughter at home when I became preganant with the second child. Unlike my first pregnancy, this one was a piece of cake. I had no morning sickness and no issues. My husband had to go out of town on business the day I had my well visit. I went in like any normal appointment and that's when my world came crashing down. I was 14 weeks along and they could not find the heart beat. They sent me for an ultrasound which confirmed it. I had lost my baby. I had no bleeding, no cramping and no spotting. I felt like my world just came crashing down around me. I sat in the parking lot for a good half hour just crying. It did help that I had a daughter at home but to this day, I still think about him. But, things happen for a reason. I got pregnant again a few months later and gave birth to my healthy son. I also then went on to have another daughter - 3 kids in total. And, now, as I look back on it, I wouldn't change it. It made me the person I am today. I did have them do tests on him and everything came back normal. The dr said unfortunately, this happens and there are no answers.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I am sending hugs and prayers and strength your way.

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J.F.

answers from Las Vegas on

I am so sorry for the loss of your baby.

It is normal and natural to feel the overwhelming sadness when you have such a loss. Please allow yourself this time to have your feelings and express them in whatever way you need to and reach out to your family and friends for support.

Please know that there is nothing you did or didn't do, that this is something that happened, although we never really know why.

I wish you peace in your heart.

J. F.

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E.B.

answers from Beaumont on

I am so sorry for your loss. A very similar situation happened with me. I'm not sure you ever get over it, you just learn to deal with it. Still hurts when I think about it 9 years later. I am comforted knowing I will see her
in heaven. A huge cyber hug sent your way...

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S.P.

answers from Houston on

Very sorry for your loss. Time will heal your pain or it did me anyways. I had a daughter at home and found out I was pregnant. I had an ultrasound at 2 months and found out that I was having twins. At my next ultrasound there was only one. They think something was wrong with one of them because one was 6 weeks and the other one was 7 weeks. I was so sad and I cried all the time. (stay at home mom) That's all I thought about. I did have a boy and love him very much. It made it hard to see him and not the other one. Every year on their birthday we let a balloon go for the baby. (didn't know what it was) and of course I cry, my youngest daughter cries, my son cries, and my husband even has a tear in his eyes. My oldest daughter is married and lives in NC. My son is and the baby would have been 16 on the 21st of this month. I had another girl after that also. Which is a blessing!!

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J.T.

answers from Victoria on

Time really helped heal my heart. Another woman said to me that perhaps things werent developing correctly and nature did what nature does. We are both Christian people. He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds. Palm 147:3 May God continue to bless you and your family. After leaving an abusive husband I now understand that God has a plan for me. He needed me to help other people in the same situations. Perhaps He needs you for other tasks relating to what your living with right now.

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