8 Yr Old with ADHD Has a Lot of "Accidents"

I dn't have an ADHD son, but I do have a 5 year old boy non the less. As any normal 5 year old boy goes, he does a lot of things without thought. I have one major rule in the house, it's THINK BEFORE YOU DO. I enforce the rule by having him sit down for 5 minutes when he does something quickly and makes a mistake and rethink about a better way to have done it in the first place. We then spend a couple minutes discussing better ways to handle the situation at hand. It has worked, there are times that he stops and says you know mom I didn't really think about that a better way would have been....I will remember that for next time.

S., I'm a mom of two sons that we chose to have just less than 2 years apart. They are now 25 and alomst 27 and have matured into fine young men that make me quite proud. When they were younger, they too made mistakes because they were in a hurry and not thinking. Much of what you are seeing is probably due to boyish immaturity. It sounds like your son is very caring and wants to be less "accident" prone. If you choose to "punish" him, the punishment should be natural consequences. If somethng gets broken and it needs to be repaced or fixed, have him either help fix it or have him contribute financially towards the repair - even if that means he has to do some extra jobs around the house to earn a bit extra so that he can help out with the repair. (Not that he can earn enough to actually pay for the whole repair/replacement, but only a portion of the whole cost, perhaps a small portion if it is expensive.) If he breaks a favorite toy, the natural consequence is that he no longer has the toy to play with or he would need to buy it for himself to replace it either with birthday money or allowance. That, in one sense makes him feel better about himself because he can be part of the solution to the problem he caused. I don't mean that this should happen every time, but sometimes perhaps. One time my older son was washing dishes by hand for me and somehow managed to break two very expensive crystal glasses. To this day I don't know how it happened and he was very sorry. I was very disappointed that they were broken, but there was no way he would have been able to pay for them and they were so expensive that I chose not to replace them. It happened by accident. I had to let it go. However, when he was about 12 we were on a camping trip with our youth group and he was with many of his friends. We were getting ready to leave and he had gone to tell one of his friends from another group good-bye. When he came to the car on full run, he decided to just jump through the open window of the Suburban to his back seat. Unfortunately, the glass was not all the way down and when he jumped through the window, he put his foot somehow on window and it broke. My son did not have ADHD or other issues, he just was excited, in a hurry, and not thinking. In that case, he had to sit by the open/broken window on the way home and then he had to help pay for the window. That was the only punishment he received; he understood. Thankfully our insurance covered much of the glass cost. He understood and it helped him slow down and think in the future even though I doubt that he paid the entire cost that was left after the ins. We weren't ugly or angry about it, but he knew that he should have been more responsible, and we did not keep bringing it up to him either how he had messed up.

Both boys had accidents where things got damaged/broken or they got hurt. Stuff like that is going to happen, and I don't mean to sound sexist, but I think that it happens more with boys than with girls. I grew up in a family of all girls and I don't remember it happening much. But I raised a family of all booys and, trust me, the "accidents" happened. Much of what you see with Tobias' accidents I'm sure will disappear when he gets a bit more maturity or, like it was with my sons, they are just different types of accidents based on what they are into.

I loved raising my boys. To give you a bit of hope, my sons have lots fewer accidents now than they had when they were boys. They are rare now. Hang in there! Make sure Tobias knows that you love him no matter what "accident" happens and that he is more important than stuff. Stuff can be repaced or lived without, Tobias can't be replaced or lived without. God bless you as you raise your precious children. (Sorry that this became so lengthy.)
Carol B

Hi S.,
You are not alone! I have a just turned 12 year old in the same situation. We see a therapist for his behavior issues as he has a lot of baggage. This sounds like he has trouble with impulse control. If it gets too bad, there is also medication to target impulse control. In my case, the impulse was to physically lash out at people and things so it was imperative that we get it under control before he hurt himself or someone else. If you talk to a counselor, ask about some exercises you can do for impulse control. You might analyze the situation after an "accident" and ask him what he might have done differently and ask him to think about that next time. It doesn't seem like it's getting through, but some little tidbits do and eventually, they will become more thoughtful before acting. I hope this helps. Good luck.
C.

i would get him involved in the clean up & still give him consequences. not necessarily a punishment, but consequences. obviously, dropping the eggs means no eggs for breakfast & maybe he will have to work around the house to help pay for the new paint job on your car (if that's an issue). it is even okay to give him time-outs & such to let him know that this behavior in the future is not acceptable. whatever you do, don't yell or get angry with him...from my experience, most of the time it is an accident & kids w/ this disorder often lash out at themselves when yelled at. talking to him about consequences & such is good, but when you notice him slowing down & being careful about his behavior, then you should praise him (without sounding corny). even give rewards...but as he gets better at controlling himself, the rewards need to be more difficult to attain.

i worked with ADHD, aspergers & autism, & a variety of other mental health diagnosis in school age & high school kids & this often happened with the ADHD kids...they try to move too fast, get things done, or can't focus on their task to do it correctly & w/o causing accidents. it is still important to let him know that his accidents are the by-product of his behavior & that he needs to make steps towards slowing down & taking control over what he is doing & accepting the consequences.

i hope this helps. also...if this is a struggle, call the prescribing doctor to get advice or maybe even a therapist for your son.

madam he might not even have adhd as that is a quick easy diagnosis for a doctor to make have him checked for intellegence schools can do this also have him checked for dexlixick oops spelling on that name wrong.also checked for autism there are many different forms of this.K.

The best books I have read are "You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy?!: The Classic Self-Help Book for Adults with Attention Deficit Disorder" by Kate Kelly and Peg Ramundo; "Driven To Distraction : Recognizing and Coping with Attention Deficit Disorder from Childhood Through Adulthood" by Edward M. Hallowel; and "Delivered from Distraction: Getting the Most out of Life with Attention Deficit Disorder" by Edward M. Hallowel. I found all of them and so much more information on the www.CHADD.org website. It stands for CHildren & Adults with ADD/ADHD.
My daughter was diagnosed for medication usuage at 8 yrs. old, but we knew much earlier than that. Try to talk to your son after it happens about what he could have done differently and what would have happened/not happened if he did that. ADDers have trouble with pre-planning and time management and we all know how things happen when we rush around. Try to keep your cool.
As to positive disipline, 1-2-3 magic is a book or a video which sets up time-out for parents and helps to keep disipline more positive, although it is geared to younger kids. The best we found was a token system - but everyone has to keep it up. Let me know if you would like to continue about any of this privately - just send me an email.

I have a 15 yr old boy who is VERY ADHD. He was diagnosed at 6. The accidents still happen but they are better. We were a little afraid of high school and the accidents.(scary things with serious consequences). We have got him to the point where he knows to think before acting. If you have to think about it very long you probably shouldn't do it. So far it seems to be working. Just be consistant. They truly can't connect previous discipline to current actions. We try to talk calmly (sometimes that is the hard part) about the results of his actions. The organization skills are still not where I would like them to be but he is so much better. Hope this gives you some hope.

Hi, I have three kids with ADHD, and "accidents" are just part of the landscape around here.

I remember well the difference the medication made for my two oldest children as far as being able to focus on one activity at a time. I was one of the anti-medication people too, but seeing the change in your child as well as having them do better in school made a believer out of me.

that said, there is still poor organizational skills, forgetfulness, and lack of physical co-ordination to try and deal with. I call it "Ready, Fire, aim" They just do not have that split second where you "see" what you are about to do. So they act without thinking. No amount of discipline, charts, rewards ect, is going to change the ADHD brain. You just have to try and keep one step ahead of them. They really don't do it on purpose.

best of luck,
L.

I just read somewhere that WD-40 will take the paint accident off your car. Never had to try it, but it wouldn't hurt to give it a chance.

My little brother (now 27) has ADHD. He's five years younger than I am so I remember rather clearly all the struggles my folks went through with him. One thing you have to keep in mind is that ADHD kids mature much slower than other kids. While a normal 8 year old may be responsible enough to think things through before he does something, your son might not be able to do that just yet.

My brother now is at a place in his life I was at when I was 21. Granted, girls mature faster than boys, but that's still quite a gap.

I know how frustrating it can be and you do need to discipline him if you think he's using "It was an accident" as an excuse for every little thing he does. I think the type of discipline may have to be very specific to your son. What does he enjoy? What makes him sit up & pay attention? Taking away a toy? Grounding for a short time?

You may just need to remind him (constatly) to slow down & think about what he's doing.

Kids with ADHD also can have sensory issues making them appear clumsy & thoughtless. My daughter (while not ADHD) has a Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD). Look it up & you might find some strategies for helping him undrestand his place in his surroundings. If it is a slight sensory issues, you can bet dropping/breaking things really is an accident.

Good luck & God bless you.

I have 3 kids. I worked as a teacher's aide for 3 years in the K-3 grades. Your son has to learn control regardless of whether he has an excuse for it or not. He definitely should be punished anytime he does something as extreme as throwing a paint can over a car. Just because he is ADHD does not mean he can't learn what is OK and what is not. Such as the screen door incident. He has to learn that a screen door cannot hold his weight. He knows calling himself "stupid" will get your sympathy. Just send him to his room- no TV, video games, movies, radio, for the rest of the day. Punishment is the best way to get a kid to think before he acts.

Way back when, (in the 60s), they did not have ADHD. There were kids that had trouble paying attention, and kids that were hyper. My brother was quite hyperactive. But with discipline he learned to control himself. The best advice I can give is NO TV or video games, and discipline him as you would any other child.

S.,

Everyone must follow there own path regardless of the advise you get remember to do what you think is best. In saying that my two bits is I don't believe an 8 yr old needs to be on medincine. I have a 9 year old boy that is ADHD. He has good days and bad days. He has to learn to control his own actions and yes there brain does develope a little slower than other children but they need to have consequences. Regardless if you choose the medicine or not the behavior modification needs to stay in place. The medicine should never be a quick fix it should work inconjunction with behaviour modification. Don't let the ADHD be an excuse for you and how you think he should act. You should still have the expectations that you would for any of your other children and there behavior. Write out a list of things that are not exeptable and have the punishments listed when he does it so he will clearly know what the punishments for his actions are. I also believe in rewarding good behavior. I wrote down a list of things I expect of him. When he does them he gets a sticker and after 10 stickers he can pick from the treasure chest.

Your child has this great gift of being creative, active, impulsive, and much much more. He may need to control some of these actions but teaching him to use them to his advantage would be so much more. These actions don't necessarily need to be restricted that are great traits to have. They just need to be used in the right way.

God Bless and good luck in what ever you choose. Again, everyone has there path do what is right for your family.

Thanks,

T.

How long has he been on medication, and has the "accidents" gotten worse since the med? I was recently Dx'ed w/ ADHD inattentive type at age 34, and when I first started Adderall I was making tons of stupid little mistakes. I think my brain had to adjust to the new neurotransmitters because after a while everything seemed to settle.

I wanted to mention that, if you want to find alternatives to ADHD med, there's a book called "Healing the New Childhood Epidemics: Autism, ADHD, Asthma, and Allergies" by Dr. Bock. It is an EXCELLENT book. If your son especially has asthma/allergies, it's a must-read. We're going to implement some techniques at home. I'm already not needing to medicate since starting a few supplements. Feel free to email me if you have any questions! There's also a Yahoo group that deals with coping w/ ADHD w/o meds (no, it's not just behavioral modification as you might think - ADHD is a neurological disorder and not psychological).

Just another note that no one really touched on... Get him involved in something that expells his energy. Sometimes it gets pent up and causes accidents. I know when I exercise and expell energy for a while, it helps calm me at other times. It becomes a balance. The other thing I notice is my food intake. The more food sugars at one time I have, the faster I want to go then all of a sudden there is a drop and I can not concentrate. Keep food intake at a constant. Have him eat every couple of hours, like snacks in between meals so that he is not so up and down with his food sugars. Hope this helps, it helps me out at times.

I understand your frustrations. My son is 6 1/2 and ADHD also and has just started on Concerta. We took some parenting classes back in the spring through Cincinnati Children's Hospital's ADHD Unit and they pointed out that a lot of the research into ADHD these days is pointing to the impulse control problem being the core from which other problems stem. It sounds like this is what is going on here. My son is the same way - though he's never spray painted my car he makes careless mistakes like this, especially when he's excited. I would bring this up at the next follow-up appointment as an area of concern. It's possible that he needs a higher dose. My son was doing okay on a lower dose of "focalin", but still having problems and when we started the higher dose we were amazed at how much better he was with some of those impulse control things. We switched to the Concerta because the focalin xr was wearing off before the end of the school day, but are loving it. It is hard to not punish them when they do these things. Avoid blaming things on ADHD in front of him to help prevent him from claiming that he can't help it all the time. As you probably already know with the positive reinforcement is more about catching them when they're good so watch for any signs of him controlling an impulse, like waiting to talk while you're on the phone, and praise it - you obviously can't always see him controlling himself - like with the paint can incident. I hope this helps a little.

I see a lot of that in my very ADHD Alyson. She is constantly losing things, running into things, forgetting, etc, etc. About 1/3 I blame on her age (8), 1/3 on the ADHD and the final 1/3 on her being a blonde. It is a running joke in our family. Not that I want to saddle her with the typical blonde jokes, but giving her an opportunity to laugh it off. I know that she does not do these things on purpose, no more than your son does. But if you give him an outlet to laugh (but not so much that it becomes purposeful FOR a laugh).

When she gets hyped up and the mistakes come pouring in, I look at her, put my hand at about nose level, and push it down. This is our hand signal for her to STOP, take a deep breath, think, and then act. We have used it so often, that oftentimes, I do not even need to speak with it. I do make sure she has my eyes when I do it, because she flits and flutters, and catching her eye might only be for a moment. So, if I make sure she is looking me in the eyes, and do the hand signal, it usually makes her think. If you work on your own "signal" with him, and let him know what it means, hopefully it will get him to stop and think also.

Good luck,
S.

S.,

I would recommend that you do some reading about ADHD. Start with anything by Dr. Mel Levine or Dr. Russell Barkley. They will explain how truly deep the effects of ADHD really are and how it effects your son. It is so much more than not paying attention and running being hyper. Impulsively is one of the halmarks of this disorder, and he may be helped by his medication, but it will take many years of self awareness and work for him to improve impulsive behaviors.

You cannot punish him and expect good results. Each time this happens is independent, and he will not be able to apply the lesson of not tossing the spray paint to carrying the eggs more carefully. The best you can do is to set him up for success when ever possible, and then to relate how he could have done things better when it happens. Focus on the times he does the right thing, and you will get more results. That is the behavior you want to draw the most attention to.

Good luck,
M.

That is precisely what ADHD is. It sounds like the stimulant meds are working, but perhaps not enough. It may have been that before the meds, there were so many other things going on that you didn't notice these "accidents". Now that the meds are on board and working, you notice these other things more. I would definitly talk with your psychiatrist on this. From one mom of an ADHD son to another-- good luck.