My son is almost 9, and for the last 6-12 months has occasionally (1-6 times a month) had trouble falling asleep. When this happens, he becomes tense and anxious, and gets out of bed 2-6 times seeking me for comfort.
The part about not falling asleep could be medical, so I think I will take him in to see his doctor. But his reaction to not falling asleep seems to be mental/emotional. He seems to be afraid of not falling asleep, or upset with himself for not falling asleep.
I try to be calm and soothing, and reassure him that there is nothing to be afraid of. "The worst that can happen? You'll be tired the next day." Sometimes, however, I am so frustrated with the constant getting out of bed that I am no longer all that calm or soothing in my tone of voice!
Any ideas? Should we do some children's yoga before bed each night? Develop a soothing, calming ritual?
Right now he takes a bath or shower about 45-60 min. before lights out, and is in bed for at least 30 minutes reading. He never fights bedtime. He listens to his iPod, though, and I don't know how calming the Black Eyed Peas, Kanye West, the Killers, or Queen are! (Also, he does get exercise every day. Right now he's at skateboard camp all day.)
Any advice you have would be welcomed.
Thanks everyone, for your support. We had him turn his music off a little early, but mostly it seemed to be a phase that he was going through. Starting in August he started falling asleep no problem, and he has not had trouble falling asleep at all ever since. It seems like he has matured a lot this fall, and he is feeling good about himself, and confident about how things are going at school (he was struggling a lot two years ago, and last year was his year to start catching up), so maybe he is more relaxed and less anxious, and that's why he is sleeping better. Anyway, it is a relief!
Yoga is awesome and a great idea. He should try some more relaxing music. Boards of Canada, Mazzy Star, Lights Out Asia, Radiohead, and Portishead may be some good options based on the bands he likes.
K.,
I have struggled with this issue for many, many years. Starting younger than your son. I have a couple of self soothing techniques that I use.
I imagine myself falling asleep. I lay as still as possible and imagine my feet falling asleep, then my ankles, legs and so on - all the way up to my head.
Another one is I start at the letter A and go through the letter Z. Picturing someone I know that's name starts with that letter. For instance, Adam, Brian, Chuck and so on. I usually don't make it all the way through before falling asleep. If I do, I start over only using girls names or vice versa.
For me, it is just about shutting off my thoughts and allowing my brain to relax and stop thinking. It doesn't always work - but it helps with the anxiety at least sometimes. Having white noise in the background helps too.
Good Luck!
My daughter just turned 8. She has this issue several times a month. We are finding that it is usually related to something that she is dreading or excited about the next day. We have allowed her a little time to share with us what the issue is. A little back massage and reassurance that the next day will be fine and she seems to drift from there. For her, anything stimulating, upbeat music or reading has been distracting because she doesn't know when to be done. I agree that a shower at a different time might also help. Good Luck.
Hi K....My 10 yr old does the same thing!! She'd ask about everything there was to worry about, seemed that way anyhow, but things got worse as she got older,she was getting to be a little OCDish, well turns out she is!! We are in therapy, don't want to do any drugs with her-yuck!! Anyhow, I don't know how "bad" he is with this, but nip it in the bud, ask your doctor for calming ways to soothe him before it gets worse, my daughters progressed on into the day about things being clean, did you touch my food/cup, is this food old, it goes on and on, this affects everyone around her and it is sooo tough on everyone, especially her cause she can't help it, so sorry for rambling but it just sounds familiar. Good luck and stay strong:)
Showering that long before bed is counterproductive. If you shower longer then a few minutes it wakes you up and energizes you. Have him change his shower time to mornings or take 15 min showers at the most. Also change the music he listens to before bed. He needs something soft and soothing. I remember how my youngest was around that age and at bedtimes we would get questions on death. What happens when you die and other disturbing things. After sitting and talking to him, it turned out that he was afraid he was going to die since he had a pain in his chest. He thought he was having a heart attack. We took him to the doctor and found out he had an inflamed lining of a muscle in the chest. He learned to control it with breathing and had antibodics for the infection. Once he knew he wasn't going to die, he was fine and sleep habits went back to normal. So see if there is a fear your son has. Something bothering him could be something simple as his body changing and his not understanding it. My son never mentioned the chest pain because he was so sure it was a heart attack he was afraid to face it. Instead I would get questions like "how old do you have to be to have a heart attack?" things that I should have picked up on but was so general that I didn't.
I have always had sleep and anxiety issues and they started around that age. For me, my mind keeps going and going and I think about everything that happened during the day, and analyze situations and conversations, and I think of other ways I could have handled something, or said something differently, or I continue to go over something that bothered me again and again. I come up with jokes for a conversation hours after it has happened, thinking it would have been funny if I had said _________. Music helps drown out thinking, or the thinking can drown out the music and for me I tend to keep checking the Ipod to see how much time is left on the current song, and anticipating the next song and the next song. Telling myself, I will go to sleep after this song...
I also think of all of the things I have to do, and perpetually plan out tomorrow. I am just a thinker. I never stop thinking. If your son is a big thinker/analyzer or a gifted child you might want to try getting him a journal. An 8 year old might not be interested at first but maybe when he is up in bed thinking and wanting to sleep he might pick it up. Tell him to write down everything that happened that day, down to every detail he can think of. And if he wants, everything he plans to do tomorrow. The thinking and writing will probably tire him out- but if he does continue, then he will get plenty of practice writing! And he may be able to rid his mind of his thoughts at least, and have a plan for tomorrow that he will be able to look back on. I have journaled in the past and that seems to help. I also keep a calendar nearby my bed so that when I think of an appointment or something else I have to do I can write it down right away.
I completely understand the anxiety as well. When you are lying in your bed awake when you should be sleeping, you start to wonder...why can't I go to sleep?! What's wrong with me? And the more time that goes by, the worse it gets...."why can't I just go to sleep like everyone else?!" I remember trying to make it through high school with insomnia...I would lay awake, anxious about assignments that were near due, beating myself up for not being able to sleep and knowing how miserable the next day would be and how hard it would be to concentrate on my homework the following night, which of course made my anxiety about sleep worse. I know the insomnia contributed to my depression...or perhaps the depression was the cause? I am not sure. Anyway, if you have a history of depression and anxiety issues in your family it may be worth it to have him see a "counselor" [don't call it therapy!]. Even if he has no other visible symptoms sleep problems alone can be a symptom of depression or a true anxiety disorder. 6-12 months is a long time for an 8 year old to have trouble sleeping. I went through it for years and still do, but it caused a lot of other problems. It is better to try to nip it in the bud now. At least mention it to his pediatrician to see if they have any thoughts.
A professional therapist would would seek to understand if the anxiety is situational or clinical. That is, is there a triggering event or events or is his anxiety biologically based? What was life like for him two years ago? Twelve months ago? Was there any extraordinary changes? Could be he needs to learn some coping strategies for dealing with anxiety, stress and conflict? Could be that he is predisposed to anxiety and it's a chemical imbalance? Certainly the bedtime routine is an influence, especially for highly sensitive people. Personally, I can't read anything stimulating before bed, or listen to stimulating music. Stretching and visualization help me. I also have to confront and deal with my anxieties during the daytime or they do creep in when I'm trying to rest. To clarify, by visualization, I usually concoct some fantasy in my mind such as imagining my dream home or a vacation or picturing my self achieve some goal. Occasionally these visualizations stir up anxiety and then I need to change to a different one. But I find them fun and relaxing and usually fall asleep promptly. During a particularly anxious time I would picture myself at a buffet being able to choose all my favorite foods!
Another consideration is that he may be seeking undue attention. Often that is the case when a parent feels annoyance, as in "what again?" The behavior temporarily stops when you give him attention, but then resumes. A professional would recommend replacing the negative attention with positive attention. You're probably familiar with this strategy: ignore the misbehavior, not the child. I've learned to do two things: plan activities together and teach self-sufficiency. So, your task is two-fold: teach him self-soothing techniques and how to structure his bedtime to get to sleep, also teach him skills to cope with anxiety and then give him lots of positive attention by planning activities together and noticing good behaviors. Praise him for his efforts. Once he has some coping skills in his "tool bag" and you've ruled out medical reasons and situational issues (like a bully at school) then don't make a big deal about his insomnia. Tell him ahead of time that you know he knows what to do now and that you have confidence in him and that you encourage him to practice his new skills. Make sure he knows you care about him and that you have given him lots of positive attention, too. The goal is to encourage him, to replace feelings of insecurity with security and convey to him a sense of his capability.
Hope this helps, best wishes!
As someone who has an official diagnosis of Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and has struggled w/insomnia since I was a pre-schooler, I can give you a few tips. Hopefully they will work for your son.
One is to make sure he gets some exercise every single day. Another is to watch his caffeine and sugar intake. I limit myself to 12 oz of coffee each day (I love coffee!). Doing some stretches before bed helps me. It doesn't have to do be anything fancy, just really stretch your arms, legs, and back.
Lastly, see if any herbal teas will help him. Even if you just go to the grocery store, you will see "sleepy time" and "bedtime teas" for sale. Chamomile tea practically knocks me on my butt. There is also a homeopathic treatment I swear by--Hyland's Calms Forte. They sell it at Walgreen's and Whole Foods. It is NOT a sedative and causes no hangover effect the next day. The directions say to give a child half the adult dose, but Hyland's does also make Calms Forte 4 Kids. I love this stuff.
Insomnia and anxiety can go hand-in-hand and basically feed off each other. I think once he is well-rested the anxiety will go away. Good luck!
Classical music works almost instantly for my kids in the car, so maybe it could work for your son. I don't know what your religious beliefs are, but I would also suggest doing a small devotional reading with him before bed (Focus On the Family has tons of family resources, both free and to purchase), or reading from the Bible. I would maybe look into what he has been reading lately, it's possible his imagination has run away with him, and also ask him if anythings' bugging him - maybe his friends have said something that he is dwelling on? good luck, I know how exhausting sleep issues can be!!!
Please make sure he is getting enough vigorous exercise each day. 30 minutes of exercise a day is as effective as anti-anxiety medication (Zoloft). The book "Spark: The effects of exercise on the brain" describes this in detail if you are interested in knowing more. It's written by doctors and discusses several scientific studies that prove the value of exercise for children (and adults) in learning, and eliminating anxiety and depression.
