7 Year Old Daughter with Extreme Separation Anxiety!!!!

Hi J.

It’s a painful thing to experience your child upset in this way day to day. Our daughter is almost 10. She was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder when she was 7. We noticed separation difficult for her since she was very little. And, I mean extreme. Everyone always told me this was normal and she would get over it. Meanwhile, she was suffering every day. By first grade it was clear she was not getting over it. We were soooooooooooooo thankful her first grade teacher was kind and helped her through her worries and concerns. This could range from worry that children were fighting for her attention (she felt guilty she couldn’t give everyone her attention at the same time) or worry because they had a fire drill. She would worry when other children would worry. She would worry if the teacher seemed busy or upset. She just worried about every little thing. And, when she would worry she would spiral. It eventually would make her think of us and our safety here at home, while she was away from us. The following were triggers for our daughter (still are): Mondays (returning to school), substitute teachers, a change in the schedule, a field trip, a child making a scary comment (what happens if there’s a fire when you’re away from home, what if your mom got hurt, etc), stays away from us were difficult because she didn’t feel she could trust her anxieties with other people and so on. I’m happy to discuss in more detail, if wanted.

Here’s what I would do to help her (in no particular order):

Start putting words to her feelings (you can write it on a piece of paper or she can) and put it in a jar. The worries are private and safe and gone from her head. She will start to learn to identify them and let go.
Careful with transitions – talk to the teacher, the school counselor and every Monday maybe she can go see the school counselor to ease into the school routine, etc.
Set up “safe people” for her to go talk to if she’s really feeling worried and anxious. For our daughter, this was the school counselor and a couple select teachers she loved.
Send notes to school with her so she can read them when she’s feeling concerned.
Enroll her in a class with other children who have anxiety (with the counselor). They play fun games, they talk about their feelings, and they read books related to worries. It was great for our daughter.
Identify her triggers (certain teachers, kids, routine changes, etc. and set up a plan for her). Our daughter had a health plan to allow her to go to her safe people when she needed, to call home if it was just simple reassurance, to give me notice when a substitute was coming in, notice of fire drills, lock downs, etc.
Take notice of her diet (we can’t do anything with high fructose corn or caffeine, etc)
Regarding your family, make sure they take her anxiety seriously. Our daughter felt terrible when she was treated like her worries were just childish. These kids are smart and they pick up on things other people may not notice, feel or even think to worry about. And, their worries are very real to them. They need reassurance, strength, and consistency to help teach them how to manage their fears.

Our daughter (thankfully) is really verbal. She has been able to walk me, our family, the counselor and school through her anxious mind. She told us that she felt ashamed and that her confidence was dying inside as a result of her anxiety and how everyone treated her. She would try and hide it, which would make it worse. She started developing rituals (OCD) to deal with her anxiety. They took up time, and made her feel even worse. That’s an entirely different story….I can talk more about that if you would like.

The reason we had our daughter diagnosed was because things became worse and worse and we knew (like you) second grade was around the corner. We have never medicated. We do relax techniques, have tea time, discussions about her worries and concerns, and really support her feeling like she has a voice. And, definitely I have to make sure I don’t show her my concerns. I have to be truthful but not "worried" about it. Just very matter of fact with her.

I am happy to report that she is doing great!!!! We haven’t had a sick stomach in over a year. She has learned some excellent coping skills, while being supported through all of this. She still has anxiety, don’t me wrong, but we’ve learned how to manage it, head it off, help when she is facing a trigger.

Good luck. If I can answer any questions, please feel free to e-mail me. I had endless days with our daughter’s anxiety. I know how hard it really can be, emotionally, for the entire family.

Take care,
R

This is completely normal, first of all. When kids hit age 5 and older they start to see themselves as seperate from their parents and have worries about death, injury, etc. to one of their parents at night, during times of seperation, etc.
My own 6-year old daughter gets tummy aches. I thought it was all kinds of things, but realized that is just where she carries her stress. I remind her to calm down and breathe.

Try easing your daughter's fears by giving her a picture of your family, or at least of you, or her father, to keep with her in her pocket. She can look at it while at school.

I used to let my daughter pick one of my inexpensive pieces of jewelry to wear when she was first away from me. I told her then she would have a part of me with her all day. Also, remind her you are always in her heart.
Remind her every morning that you love her and everything will be just fine. Leave it at that, though. Our tendency, as mother's, is to over-think things sometimes. If she feels YOU are anxious because you are anticipating her reaction and tension, it will just make her MORE worried. She needs to see you are strong and sure that everything will be just fine.
I know you are concerned for her, but don't let HER see how much.
Show her affection, but try not to be over-protective. It's these little daily challenges that give our kids strength and help them grow into capable and responsible adults.

Hi J.,
If you can think back to when this started and the events that were taking place at that time. My niece went through this starting at age nine, it took some time for my sister to find the cause, What had happened was a school friends mother had been killed in an accendent and the girl had no one to take her right away and she was put in a temp. home. After my sister finally got to the cause, she always assured my niece this would not happen to her, it helped a bit but then my sister got creative. Each day she would write her daughter a note to read if started to feel bad in school or where the child would go with out her or dad, she had her carry a family picture to look at also durring these times. There are many ways to do this, you will just have to try differnt things until you hit on what works. Adopted childern go through this also at some point in there lives and they have many books on it. But I would try to think back to the events that may have led to this, it could be as simple as a story of a child or animal loseing it's mother, such as Bambi, Childerns minds work in funny ways.
Good luck

Hi J.,

I am somewhat in the same boat as you are. My 9 yr. old would complain almost daily during the school year that she had a stomach ache and that she didn't want to go to school. When she came home, she would always comment about how she hated school, and when I tried to ask her why, she wouldn't say much. The few reasons she gave varied, but I worried that maybe something was up, that maybe something was happening at school to her to make her hate it so. She's asked several times if she can switch schools, and I worry about why she wants to do it.

I talked to her teacher about it, and she always tells me that she is fine in school, gets good grades, and that everyone likes her, that she has friends, and no one mistreats her, and I know my daughter loves her teacher and that her teacher loves her, so I am completely stumped.

I wonder if maybe her teacher is just too busy to notice if something is going on with someone in her class, either at lunch or on the playground. I know she's not there *just* for my child, and can't possibly know everything she experiences in her day, so if the problem persists this coming school year, I think we will see the counselor and see if we can narrow down what's going on.

My daughter is normally a happy, healthy, outgoing kid at home, so I don't have the exact same situation as you do, but I know with my daughter it's not some trauatic experience she's had at home that's affecting school--it's anxiety about school, or maybe because she doesn't want to be away from me. She was always very attached to me as a child until preschool, but I thought she'd overcome it. Maybe it's just manifested itself in her "hatred" for school. I noticed that it seems to be worse when I work. I had been a sahm most of her childhood until this time last year, and even though she has never been raring to go to school, she complained alot less. And almost daily since I've been working again(I had quit my other job in Feb. of this year), she tells me how she hates my job, and tells me she wishes I didn't have to go to work. It breaks my heart because I feel like I should maybe be here with her.

Have you ever had a time that you didn't work when your daughter wasn't anxious whenever she was away from her family? Has she been this way her whole life? Could something traumatic have happened to her when she was away from her family, that maybe she's afraid might happen again? Maybe a psychologist could help her and your family sort out what's going on with her.

I'm thinking that a psychologist is the next step we will take for my daughter if she starts having trouble again during the school year.

I wish us both luck, and hope that both of our daughters feel better soon. It's so sad when our kids are suffering and we can't help them because we don't know why.

Good luck, J..

K. W

Hi J.,

You have already received a wide spectrum of advice. I know how challenging this can be, and since you have an older child, it is also possible that he is very different (outgoing) which can put your daughter's extra sensitivity into sharp relief, making it seem even more extreme.

You don't say if your daughter has had this as a personality trait all her life, or if it is relatively recent since she began school. That would be one way to consider whether she is just more sensitive than most and is developing her independence more slowly--but normally, or whether she may fall into a level of anxiety that may develop into a disorder.

I am a counselor, and I am very uncomfortable with the idea of diagnosing young children with a "disorder" simply because most things we consider to be disorders in adults are part of the normal developmental process in children. It is when the individual never grows through it adequately-for whatever reason-that it becomes a disorder.

With a young girl, while it is POSSIBLE that such a diagnosis would be appropriate (and even helpful, if it gets her needed assistance at school), I would begin from the idea that she may simply be a more sensitive soul than other kids.

My own youngest daughter has always been this way--more sensitive than usual to every little nuance of sound, light, and emotion. Even as an infant, she became overwhelmed easily just with being outside--the sunshine and "bigness" of everything seemed too much for her until she was about 6 weeks old. I was, by contrast, taking her older sister quite easily to large concerts at 3 weeks old. Unlike my other daughters, who were boisterously going on sleepovers and off on a train on vacation with grandparents at 4 years old, my youngest still, at age 9, is somewhat cautious about being away from us overnight.

HOWEVER...this youngest one is also turning out to be a musical prodigy--she has perfect pitch, and can sit down at the piano (since age 6) and play not only the melody but figure out the chords and key changes from a classical piece heard once on the radio a week before. She is taking ballet lessons from a former principal dancer with a number of major ballet companies, and he says he believes she has the talent to dance professionally once she matures. She composes music that nobody would guess was from a child. She also seems to have a deep understanding of and empathy to the feelings of others, and offers that when others are sad or hurt.

So, in her case, she does not seem to have a disorder--just a much higher level of "sense intelligence" that takes her more time to learn to integrate into how she manages it.

Each year, she gets more able to handle things at a "normal" level, as she gains maturity and self-knowledge.

I think you have the possibility that your daughter may be like this, and just needs more time and gentleness around her needs so she can fully integrate her sensitivities. Or, as others have suggested, if this hasn't been going on all her life, there may have been something traumatic that occurred that made her feel unsafe without you.

Either way, finding a counselor who does not typically diagnose and medicate children, but who can help her find a safe way to express herself and figure out her needs, can give you some very valuable information about how best to help her.

If your daughter is uncomfortable being away from home right now, and it's not school time, then I'd honor her feelings. She may not be ready for being away from her family. She will let you know when she feels comfortable to do an over-nighters or go to a social event alone. I think children develop differently and she needs more time.
I would concentrate on making her feel ok in the school setting. Maybe you can talk to her new teacher about what worked last year with the other teacher or have the old teacher contact the new one.

My daughter had some separation anxiety as a child, not to the extreme that your daughter has. We got her a locket and put pictures of her father and myself in it, so Mommy and Daddy were always with her. She also had a sweater of mine that she could take to school and leave for days when she needed Mommy hugs at school. She would wrap the sweater around her and snuggle for a little extra comfort. When the sweater needed a bath or didn't have my scent in it anymore she would bring it home for a "refill of hugs". She is now a very independent and outgoing 18 year old getting ready for college.

I would think that a child counseler could really help her out. Maybe something tramatic happened while away that she hasnt told you about, or she watched a movie that scared her, or she is just worrier, but whatever it is, she needs to learn how to deal with it and a counseler could really help with that. They are trained on what to say and how to pickup on things we would just pass off as nothing. Most insurance companies will pay for it, especially if it is causing physical symptoms.

My daughter recently went through something like this. Although she is 11 and was in fifth grade.
After some investigation, I learned that there was one girl who was getting mad at her for playing with other kids. She had never dealt with anything like this before, and had no idea what to do. All that stress manifested itself in tummy aches, sleepless nights, separation anxiety and so on. We had a long talk, and lots of short ones after that (and still) to assure her that it is ok to hang out with who she wants when she wants.
I would talk to your daughter and see if there is ANY kind of thing making her uncomfortable. A small situation can seem huge to a little kid, and make their life seem unbearable.

I would STRONGLY recommend that you pick up a copy of the book Emotional Intelligence. (I'm sure you can get a used copy on amazon.com at a really good price.) I took a psychology class in college that was based entirely on this book. It really is excellent. It essentially teaches the reader how to recognize different personality traits and how to create an environment that emphasizes and supports the attributes of each child.

Being a 2nd grade teacher myself, I think that as long as you talk to the new teacher about this and how it worked for your daughter (and give her a way to contact old teacher), he/she will do everything they can to help, especially with your support. These kinds of things are a big part of a teacher's job in the primary grades :) Good luck!

Hi J.,

You are getting some great advice. I, too have suffered from "nervouse stomach pain" years ago. I do have some anxiety issues and it would be good to get some professional advice from a counselor/psychiatrist who is familiar with working with chilren.

I have four children, 1 is quite disabled (needs 1:1 care for various reasons) and my daugher (who is 16) has panic attacks and has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. When my daughter was 6-7, she had daily crying episodes - I mean, literally sudden screaming and crying for apparently no reason. We were afraid that our neighbors would call 911 thinking that we were tortoring her it was so bad. This went on every day for about 2 years. It would last for about 1-2 hours. We could find no reason and other than that, she was a perfectly sweet and helpful girl. No one that knew her could believe the stories that we said.

Well, now years later, at about 12, some of the crying started up again with daily headaches. We went through some more therapies, thinks seemed to get better for about a year, then last year (at age 15) chaos started to emerge. Our life was walking on eggshells around here never knowing what her behaviour would be and it could change in a second. We again enlisted the help of a psychiatrist and now she is on some good medicaiton and we feel like we have our wonderfully, sweet and kind daughter back.

Anyhow - the point of that is that now she can verbalize about the crying spells that she had when she was about 7. She says that she was having panic attacks. Her panic attacks now do mimic what she was having when she was that age. If I had known then about panic attacks, we would have handled it much different and would have tried to connect with the mental health professionals at that time. I'm sure that it would have made a big difference in her (and our) quality of life. If was so awful, feeling helpless in being able to figure out what was going on.

Good luck with this. It is so heartbreaking to have a child that is hurting.

C.

i have been where you are not once but three times and i think alot of this comes from us being so close to the kids and spending so much time with them...i had the worse time trying to leave my youngest daughter anywhere she would make herself so sick that she would throw up or have panic attacks...but i found if when i dropped her off and just left with out listening to her crys and picking her up and babing her thru it it got much better i was lucky that her kindergarten teacher was an aunty of hers so that helped alot it was someone she knew, but i even went thru it when she stayed with her grandparents but i made it thru it and so did she ... i recently went thru the same ordeal with the two granddaughters i am raising i have had them for 8 1/2 years since the 7 year old was three months she will be 8 in a few months and her sister is 9, when the 9 year old started school she would run away from school or find a hiding spot and the school would call me and i would have to come pick her up...i got arround this one by sitting in the classroom for about 30 minutes and then leaving once she felt comfortable i would make it less and less time each day till i didn't have to stay at all, but she was to repeat the same behavior the next year so i tried the same thing and it worked so by the time she was in 2nd grade i didn't have to stay at all...when her sister started school it wasn't quite as bad i only had to stay two days...i guess you can take it this way and just think how much your child loves you and just reasure her that you love her and would never leave her with out coming back...i would suggest calling only one time when she goes to grandmas and that she can call you once and tell grandma and grandpa not to fall for the tummy ache thing and do something fun with her like watch a movie and eat pop corn get her mind off the subject of mom and dad being gone she will have so much fun that she will forget that mom and dad aren't there...hope you find a solution to this because it is not healthy for either of you...aloha jodi

I had a similar experience with my son when he was in the 3rd - 4th grade. His came on suddenly. In digging a little bit I found out that during a midweek club at our church, the teacher taught a lesson on the rapture. I'm not sure if you are Christian or not or believe in the rapture, but this teacher told these young children that some of them could be left behind. From then on he questioned his faith even though he was sure of mine. He was so afraid that one day I would be gone and he would be left alone. It took much reassurance and counselling with the youth pastor at our church to reassure him about his faith and salvation. I pray you will find what is causing the anxiety. God Bless.

Kids pick up so many cues from us, and look to us for how to react to situations. I'm thinking you may be a little dramatic yourself (no offense!) and she's expanding on that. You said you are worried about her next teacher... With my boys, I've always made a point of being calm, and try to pass that on to them.

For instance, I went on a walk with them the other day; they rode their bikes, I walked (they are 5 and 2). The little guy fell off his bike at one point (it has training wheels, and he's athletic), and he looked at me with that terror in his eyes, and he cried. He wasn't a bit hurt - not a mark on him. So I hugged and kissed him, and told him that he was fine, and helped him get his bike up, and get back on it. It happened again while we were walking. So the next time (it was a much lesser fall) I again told him he was fine, and to get his bike up and get back on, himself. He did, and he was fine, and didn't cry. I've noticed this countless times; I react to things calmly and matter of factly, and instruct them accordingly.

I speak positively of unknowns. My older son is going into first grade, so we talk about how exciting that is, and the new friends he is going to make... I'm not trying to simplify your problem, because clearly it is very distressing in your lives.

I've made a point of not talking anxiously about upcoming events, and it helps. If I do talk about things before hand, he asks nonstop questions, driving me up the wall, and if anything it just works him up. When he was four and needed tubes in his ears, I didn't say a word about it before hand, just woke him up early on the day of and took him to the hospital. I was very matter of fact and positive about it: "the doctors are going to fix your ears". He went to preschool that afternoon and all was well. He now needs the tubes again, and his tonsils out, and it will happen this coming Friday. He's older now and more aware of what we're talking about in these doctor appointments. He has given me sad eyes and whimpered a little, and says he's worried about having his tonsils out, and about it bleeding (he has hemophilia, so he's heard us talking with the doctors about that...) I've been matter of fact about it, and positive: "it will help you to breathe better, you'll be able to hear better, you'll get to eat lots of popsicles, and we'll take care of you and give you medicine so you don't bleed too much..." He hasn't said anything for a few days, and we haven't talked about it further with him. There's no need for him to be worrying and getting anxious unnecessarily.

When he and his brother turned 4 and 1 (their birthdays are close) I took them at the same time for their well-child exams, which included vaccines for both. I made the mistake of letting the nurse do the baby first, so the older one watched with horror and was all worked up when it was his turn. The nurse furthered the trauma by going on and on and on about that he was going to be ok blah blah blah, instead of just getting it done, then telling him what a big boy he was, and see it wasn't that bad, and now you get a sticker... So by the time she started he was nearly hysterical. My approach has always been much better, and less traumatic.

Another thing I've always done is to try to teach them some degree of independence, in controlled settings. We let the 5-year-old go to the bathroom at church by himself. He has to leave the chapel and go down the hall to the bathroom, then return. He knows his way around, and we are comfortable that he is safe there. It gives him self sufficiency and independence. In restaurants, if we are sitting near the restroom (and can see it...) and we feel comfortable with the setting, we'll let him go alone. We also have taught him that if anyone ever tries to touch him, or touches his bum/private parts, what to do (scream, run, etc.) If we are in a store and he needs the bathroom, if we see a store associate I'll have him ask that person where the restroom is. I've always made a conscious effort to look for opportunities to teach them basic skills (appropriately asking for help, talking to adults, etc.)

I don't know if this helps or not, but I do know that they get their cues from us.

When I was little and would go spend the night with my grandma I would also get nervous. My mom sent me with an envelope full of her "kisses" and when I would get nervous I would take it out. It seemed to work for me. You may want to try something like that maybe with a picture of you. You could also try having her write you a little note when she gets upset. Anything to help her feel more connected to you while she is away. Good luck.

Hi J.,

I would seriously consider taking your daughter to a counselor or psychologist, especially if she feels so anxious even around her grand parents. You don't say how long into the school year your daughter had a problem with anxiety, but I would also check to see if the school counselor can work with her this year AND you need to let to her new teacher know that this may happen- I would go to the school before school starts (without your daughter first)to meet and talk to the new teacher, and then see if you can bring your daughter in before school starts to meet the teacher, know where the classroom is, where she might sit, etc.

Good luck!
C.

I would talk to your doctor and see if he can recommend a counselor. Good Luck!!!

I don't want to make light of your problem and I think it is good advice to take her to a specialist to see if they can find out the root of the problem. My mom did find a solution to the grandma overnight anxiety situation when my son was little and it still works to this day. When he spends the night at her house he gets a prize in the morning. It doesn't have to be anything extravagant (although she DOES go OVERBOARD at times) just something little that your daughter might like. Maybe thinking about what her prize will be will help fill her mind and keep those butterflies away. My son, who is now 7, is sometimes reluctant to sleep elsewhere but he doesn't fight me or have problems sleeping at grandmas. Yes, we're creating a capitalist but it does work. Good luck! I was a very anxious child so I feel for your little girl!

All five of my kids had separation anxiety. A neuropsychologist explained to me that this is an early sign of ADD. Since all of my kids have ADD, I guess this may be true. I am sure there may be other causes, but you might want to take her to a pediatric psychologist or a neuropsychologist. Most children do not experience nervous tummy disorders, so it deserves some extra investigation.

My youngest was vomiting everyday from stress, so we took him to a wonderful pediatric psychologist at Group Health on the eastside; he was able to gently talk our son through his anxieties so that he was able to let me wait in the waiting room while the psychologist talked with him--but it took several visits. It turned out my son had an anxiety disorder for which he is being treated--he feels much better. But we did have to twice change schools before we found one that didn't scare him.

Good luck. Don't assume your daughter is making things up--she may be receiving odd messages from her brain because of a chemical imbalance. Or some thing may have happened that she can't even remember now which contributed to her insecurity. You never know. Love her, be very patient, and find expert help--it is available.

I used to get really nervous to be away from my mom at night until I was 12 or 13. I don't know why, but spending the night away anywhere was really hard. i found that calling and saying goodnight to her on the phone right before I went to sleep helped and taking a small photo album of pictures helped. When I got older, I would just visualize the pictures instead of taking them with me.
As far as during the day goes, you should talk to your daughter's new teacher as soon as possible. When you find out who it is, call or email and ask to make an appointment to talk about it with her or write her a letter if the beginning of the school year is too busy to meet in person. Ask her to go and talk to the first grade teacher about what was successful last year. As a teacher myself, I really find it helpful when parents let me know these things ahead of time and give me some strategies to use that have worked for their child in the past. No teacher wants a child nervous or scared about going to school every day. Chances are whatever worked last year will work again and if you let the teacher know before the first day of school, she will be able to make that first crucial day a comfortable one for your daughter.