I am having an issue with my 6yo son. He has horrible separation anxiety. If I open the coat closet he asks where I am going and I can see the anxiety in his face. If I am actually leaving it's always "where are you going", When are you coming back", "can I come".
Let me give you a little history. When he was young(birth to age 4)I worked 48+ hours a week. He was in a great home based daycare but it wasn't easy on our family. I am sure this has something to do with his current issues. He has 2 younger brothers that he transitioned with perfectly.
Now I work part time. Every night before he goes to bed he asks who is watching them the next day-this I can handle. I work every Saturday(this is not the only day I work, it's just the worst) and he always freaks out when I leave. Again, the moment I get near my shoes he starts in with the questions. Especially when I'll be home. He even asks if I need to pick up milk or something on the way home "because then you'll be later". He gives me hugs & kisses atleast 5 times and asks me to honk the horn and watches out the window. He also cries most times.
BTW it's only when I leave. He is fine if he is going to school, b-day party, etc. He is like this a little bit when it is his dad, but not nearly so bad.
So, any tips or tricks at this stage of the game?
Have you ever read that book to him about the momma raccoon that gives her little one a kiss on the hand that he can use when they are away if he needs it? It worked wonders for us. I even kiss my boys hand and have him put my "kisses" in his pockets to save for later.
Hello L., Your son's fear comes from not having any control over your comings and goings. `Try putting up a calender with your work scedule, times you will leave, and the time you will arrive home. Let him put stars or stickers on the days you have to work. When he asks questions, direct him to the calender and talk about it with more stickers. Have him help you get ready on these days by setting your shoes where you will be putting them on, etc. Have on the calender what time you will be home, giving yourself enough time to stop at the store if you need to. Don't tell him you will be stopping at the store, simply tell him the time you will be home. Stick with this time, because he will be watching. Have a clock he can use to keep track. This would be an excellent time to teach him how to read a dial clock! Hope this helps. Good luck.
I think you have already received many good recommendations. Keep being supportive and patient. Be sure to bring this up to his pediatrician, as the possibility of him being prone to anxiety is a possibility.
Hi L. - well you obviously know where the anxiety comes from - the prolonged hours of separation for most of his little life - so that's good. Little boys adore their moms and he's obviously very attached to you. I really believe that he'll eventually become less stressed when you leave - do you have to work outside the home financially? Perhaps you could scale back on your hours, perhaps take him to your work to see what you do so he's got a clearer picture? When you do run errands, take him as much as possible. Don't get irritated with him, he can't help it - he just loves you so much. Also, you have two other small children demanding your attention - don't expect him to be a `big boy'. My six year old has two teenage brothers so is the baby of the family - he is extremely happy in this position! Just remember not to expect too much from him and give him tons of love - Alison
Keep comforting and talking. Help him plan ahead. If you can make up a calendar for him and note your work hours on it and any anticipated delays, that should help. Call and speak to him if you're delayed. This will pass. I agree that it's your former work hours, unless there's been a recent trauma you didn't mention. He will grow out of this but needs extra help and comfort right now. You may never understand what this all means to him. Just do your best. Lots of verbal understanding from you. Don't make promises that you may not be able to keep. Always be honest with him. Has he seen where you work? That might help too.
My 22 yr old grandson, who's very macho & independent, went through some of this for a few years after his mom had to be rushed to the hospital in preterm labor (premie twins) and didn't return for 9 weeks. He saw her in the hospital 1-2x /week but later, whenever she had to rush out, he freaked and was inconsolable. He was 18 months when the incident happened and was well-loved and cared for but it was apparently harder on him than we realized.
Sounds like you're getting this and doing well. Hang in there, L.!
I agree with Kathy below. He is high anxiety~ I have a daughter who is similar to this. She just needs to know the routine and then she gets it and she can manage. Like if you are leaving give him something of yours sometimes I would let my daughter wear my most beautiful bracelet and show him the clock and let him know when you will be back and then call if you are running late and give an updated time. Too much info is important for this type of child. They need to know everything to be successful, I don't think he will grow out of it and for me it takes a lot of energy to manage her in new situations (she is 10 now) but I know that and know that is my job to help her. The Calendar is a great idea.
I would also say don't leave without telling him or saying good bye. There should also be a routine when you leave....like if he kisses you 5 times then the time you will be back and the honk you could even make a special handshake!
Good luck!
I think I have a question for you: Did you loose anyone in your family (or did a classmate in school suffer a loss?)?
This is striking me more than just the typical separation anxiety. My son (age 5) suffers it a bit when I drop him off at school. We get ready for school in the morning and everything is fine, it is only when I give him the kisses and hugs that he begins to get sad and doesn't want me to leave. He tells my husband and me that it is because he misses me in the daytime.
But what you are mentioning - I am wondering if he is fearing a death of a family member. Whether he heard of it in school, via a story or T.V. show, a dream he had (dreams can be very scary and effect children for a while) or heard you or his father talking of the subject.
He wants to make sure you are safe - that is why I think this. (hence when are you coming home and the side trip making you later.)
Have you talked to your son? I'd recommend sitting down in a comfortable setting and just talk about anything and then lead up to it.
My remedy for my son:
He has a picture of my husband and I in his backpack that he took of us. In addition, EVERY school morning, I tell him to find a special small toy to pack in his back pack to keep him feeling 'safe & secure' while he is in school.
I also have Candy Fluff - a candy scented body powder from Lush that he just loves. It has a few sparkles in it, but unless he has lotion on before I use it- they do not stick to him. On the mornings that he seems to be more sad or distressed, I put it on. We use our imagination and I tell him this is his 'magic dust' that will help him all day and put it on his chest and shoulders (before he puts his shirt on).
I have a few other light scented balms I use from Lush that I wear in the day, and as he misses me, I have him put his sleeves up and apply just a small amount to his upper arm so he has just a hint of my scent on him for comfort as well.
The above tricks work great for us. When I use my scent on him, he has the best days in school! He never takes his small toys out of his bag, but just knowing they are there, really helps him out. Since we have been doing this, he has been getting into his class line for Kindergarten and walking off~ and getting ready to leave almost without his kiss & hug goodbye from me! (so I'm going thru withdraw! LOL~)
And I feel at this age, boys are indeed more attached to 'Mommy' than they are with their 'Daddy'; especially as you work p/t. You are with him more often. It sounds like he has more of a bond with you~
ADDED: Question...Did his behavior start with the new p/t job? I deal with relieving stress as my job, and I know the many triggers. Parents can often overlook the fact that even our kids can become affected by changes. You are leaving the home - that is new.
Again - I recommend talking to him. I have always got on the floor and talked with my son. Actually, I use his puppet (a frog he's had forever) and a small doll (it looks like me, so he calls it 'mini mom') and it helps him to let the information out. He loves this type of interaction and he will ask to do this with me all on his own when he wants to talk. It works great!
L.,
I think this is excessive for a day care issue. Is it possible that maybe one of his friends parents might be going through a divorce (mom leaving not dad) or maybe a Mom has passed away?
I think the calender idea is good and calling if you are going to be late, but I would try to find out the reason for the anxiety.
Good luck, if it is not an issue spawning this than it should pass.
Happy Holidays.
My daughter who is 6 goes through this also. I don't work, but when I leave to go out with friends (maybe once every month or two) or even just to the grocery store, she seems to panic. Often, it makes her feel better if I let her run to her room and get a small toy of hers, like one of her stuffed animals, that she gives me to take with me. This makes her feel like she is doing something (control) and that I will think about her. I really liked the last post you got - I will use some of those ideas myself! Also, what about making a little photo frame of you and him that he can look at while you are gone.
