Today I get a call that my male kindergartner put his hand up a girl's dress, touched her panties, and said dirty dirty underwear. The girl was in a dress, laying on a bench when he did this. (Of course, completely inappropriate and I am sure if I were the parent of the girl, I would be livid). I was told to get to the school as soon as possible because the police needed to be called and my son would need a parent present. Long story short: Police recorded the event with no further action, the school had to write a referral for sexual harassment with a two day external suspension on his record, and the department of children and family services were notified. They will be doing a home inspection to make sure there is no inappropriate sexual behaviors taking place in our home. My son was scared and crying. He knows what he did was wrong and very serious. The police explained the "rules" to him and so did the principal and assistant principal who both know my son well. They felt bad about having to go through this whole process but of course have to follow protocol. I have spoken to my son about the situation as well. Any thoughts on how everything was handled? Would you follow up with an additional punishment? Right now he is just afraid someone will take him away from us which I know will not happen. I have assured him no one will take him. We lead a very average life and my husband and I are both teachers. Both my children are well taken care of. BTW thi goes on his permanent academic record until middle school but I don't believe there is a criminal record.
I assure you...this is not a joke. Not sure if you are asking because of how it was handled. I just asked my son some additional questions which were not asked at the school. The girl was laying on her stomach on a bench with the upper part of her body hanging off the other end. Her dress was inched up around her hips. She had fuzz balls on her underwear which is why he said dirty dirty underwear. The girl was a bit older and not in his class and I have no idea why he did it. We do see a psychologist on regular basis for behavior management for his ADHD. I called the office and was told he would call me back after he saw his last patient.
No additional punishment. Police? Really? Aside from affirming that it was wrong, I'd comfort him. I caught a little boy of 5 touching my daughter at VBS. It was on the panties and it was inappropriate and a gave him a scolding. Reports and police? Please. Good lord the world has gone mad.
I think it was handled appropriately all around. You're very lucky that the parents of the girl weren't upset enough to insist on pressing any sort of charges and that (I'm hoping) they understood that it was just a little boy with some impulse control problems who really didn't know any better about personal boundaries.
I wouldn't follow up with additional punishment because he's being disciplined left, right, and six ways to Sunday. Let him be disciplined as planned, but don't punish.
It was inappropriate touching.
But he is a little boy and made a mistake. I would not give him more punishment.
It is good you spoke to him and he now really understands we keep our hands to ourselves.
Will the parents be told that your son is the child that touched her? If so, ask the Principal if it would be appropriate for him to write an apology note.
When our daughter was in first grade, she and another little girl were being teased by a boy on the playground. He would chase them while they ran the track.. Our daughter got upset when he called them "bitches" one day.
She told me and you can imagine, I was not pleased. The next morning I told her teacher what had happened and told her I was not pleased.
We both agreed, this behavior just did not seem like his typical behavior. He was a sweet boy, with wonderful parents.
This teacher spoke with his classroom teacher, she was also shocked by this behavior. His teacher is "the" teacher on campus. Every parent and child loves her. She is highly regarded. Like a sweet, strong grandmother.
The way she handled it was to pull him aside and say. "I have heard a very sad story about you. I heard that you called.. P&P a name when you all were running track yesterday. Do you remember this? " She said he was very hesitant and then nodded. She then asked him to tell her
"What did you call the girls?" He started crying and refused. She told him to "go ahead and tell" her. He told her, "I called them Bitches" The teacher said she pretended to be shocked and told him, "I know that you did not mean this. You are a good boy. " "why did you call them this?", he said he "did not know and was sorry". He then told the girls he was sorry.
The parents were contacted.. the next day each girl was given a small gift bag with some little trinkets and apology notes. Apparently the parents took him to a store and he spent his money on apology gifts, "he had chosen for them." I did not think the trinkets were necessary, I was glad he had to tell his teacher what he said, apologized to the girls.
This boy has grown up o be a very nice young man. He graduated last spring, he is happily married.
It happened, it was handled and then we all moved on.
He was just a little boy, that probably liked these girls and was not thinking about what he was saying or doing.
Mom, this is not a reflection on any of you. This is a child being a child.
He was impulsive and I am sure it was nothing actually sexual..
Just get through this and try not to go over board with the reactions. I am sure he feels very shamed as it is.
So very sorry, A.. I think that you just have to work within the process and have him see a child psychologist for a while. It's a hard thing for a child with ADHD to learn very quickly that there can be dire consequences to certain behaviors.
My son years ago, who was impulsive, but didn't actually have ADHD, shook a branch on the neighbor's cherry tree while he and the little girl were standing under it. Her father came to my house screaming at us that he tried to break the limb. I just stood there shocked at the man's behavior and stared at him until he got tired of yelling and went away. I asked my son why he did it, and he said that the little girl was really pretty and he thought that cherry petals in her hair would make her happy, so he wanted to shake the petals in her hair. This reminds me of your son's VERY focused thoughts on one small aspect of the overall scenario. I had to go through the complete scenario with him so that he understood where he went wrong and why the father was so upset.
Of course, this has nothing to do with sexual harrassment, and I'm not trying to negate the severity of what happened in your son's case. What I do want to say is that it is very normal for younger kids to focus on a part of something that an adult would be surprised at (like your son focusing on the fuzz balls.)
As far as punishment is concerned, I think that all the talking that he has to do with all the people who have to deal with this is punishment enough.
No punishment. He got enough at school. I get why, but wow, that was over the top ridiculous. I know it's because horrible things can, do and have happened, but holy cow.
I would find out about pursuing getting that OFF his record, because it WAS NOT sexual harassment in its true sense. I don't know if you have any friends who are attorneys, but I would talk to them and find out what you can do. Don't hire an attorney, but see if you can have a conversation about this. This was obviously inappropriate touching, but it was age appropriate screwing up and not on purpose sexual harassment.
He's been suspended. While I wouldn't go out of my way to make suspension fun, I would NOT do anything further. I would also reassure him that you love him, that you know he meant no harm, but that sometimes people do mean things to other people, and the school and police have to err on the side of making sure they are helping when that happens (or something like that - you know, to let him know these people are trying to keep bad things from happening, and they have to follow these rules, but that they all know he's not a bad person)
I have a son who is being evaluated (over and over) for behavioral challenges. He's bright and sweet and a little older than your son. He taps people and scooches his behind into them at times. He has no idea why he does it, but it's not really about anyone else.
My guess would be either the girl's underwear had dirt on it and your sonfelt a compulsion to touch and talk because of that, or a compulsion about the possibility his own undies had dirt on them. But he doesn't know, because that seems to be the way ADHD-related compulsions work. They don't seem to be about anxiety, but rather about the lack of a filter between thought and action
It is sad that adult interpretations are being put on this - however, as someone who WAS attacked in a very sexual way on the playground in 4th grade - by another 4th grader (years ago, in the supposed good old days, when no one said boo about victim blaming), I think the school is right to have these policies in place.
The issues are not with the policies but with "zero tolerance", which is a well intentioned effort to keep things fair, but which often treats kindergartner's like 5th graders.
Good luck and HUGS.
If this is real, we live in a really totally screwed up world!!!!! Kindergartner and sexual harassment. Police. Is the school crazy. I would be livid. He was wrong yes. Kids at this age do inappropriate things. They are into "potty"
type of things. They are curious and do not understand how wrong it is.
"Protocol" for a 12 year old maybe but for a 6 year old. I think not. They need to re-evaluate their policies.
Please do not punish him any further. The poor kid is probably traumatized at this point. I hope this is not going to follow him thru the years. If it is, I would be up at the school Monday morning!!!
This is just completely RIDICULOUS!!! Another good story of the government sticking their noses in everything. The police have to be involved in everything nowadays, and that is just sad. Hope your son gets to feeling better about it, and I really really hope the parents of this little girl don't actually think this was sexual harassment.
It cant be sexual harrassment if kids don't know what sex is. Innappropriate touching but not sexual. dcfs may talk to you about sexual relations in your home.
My son is 6 and he used to have to bereminded at school to keep his hands to himself. We would talk with him but did not punish things the school had handled.
I think your son has gotten enough of a message. The adults are over reacting and sexualizing it as usual. They're following protocols.
I was a child welfare social worker years ago. This would have been the least of my worries
I would definitely not punish him. Poor kid did something innocently because in fact the girls underware did look dirty to him and the school responds by calling the police?!?! What a crazy world.
Perhaps your son will need therapy because of how traumatized he was by the police being called by the school. Sorry to joke, but come on, this is ridiculous!
No further punishment, just be sure to keep an open dialogue and inquire if anyone had touched his underwear...
I believe your story, as last year in the NEWSPAPER, I read about an elementary child singing LMAFO's "I'm sexy and I know it" and something similar happening to him. I thought it was crazy: it's a song they played every 5 minutes on every radio station, it was on TV, and a little boy who has no idea what that phrase "might" mean (it could also be just silly) was called out for sexual harassment because a little girl told her mom.
It terrifies me because I have little guys (ages 3 and 6). I can see that kind of stupidity happening, especially since the little girl was not sitting in an appropriate manner. I'm not saying that it should have happened to her, pc police, but I am saying that if kids see underwear, they will acknowledge underwear. Not because it's "sexual harassment" since the children (hopefully) don't know what "sexual" stuff is yet, but because......that's what they do. Like if you show them doughnuts, they grab at them. You show them underwear, they will make a stupid crude joke about it.
I would sit down and have a very serious conversation with him about what is and is not appropriate behavior and why, but I would not punish him any further, to tell the truth. I'm thinking police coming to scare him, being removed from school, and being scared that he'll be taken away from his family is quite enough!
I do try to make sure the kids know how to behave (and thank God my sons are really shy), but honestly, it's such a crapshoot on how little kids will act under certain circumstances without you there to lead, guide, snap fingers, or shoot "the look". Is this mess going to be on his permanent record?
ETA: I saw one of the responses mention a gun shaped item, and just wanted to say that is not an exaggeration. My kindergartner almost got in trouble for that at school! We moved here from another school during the holidays, and we had some family time where my brother taught him to shoot a BB gun at old trophies (they don't shatter like glass but break and that's cool to kids). He was happy about it, and drew the little daisy rifle he shot in class to proudly show the teacher....who shut it down fast and let him know he wouldn't get in trouble this time because he was new to school and didn't know the rules, but guns are not to be discussed, drawn, or acknowledged in any way. If he did it again, he'd be taken to the principal and possibly suspended. He didn't. But at home I let him know it was ok, he hadn't done anything bad, it was just the rules for schools and public places because it scares people or makes them think of sad things. Consequences are much more serious than they were when I was a kid.
No, I would not do anything more, just have that whole 'what is under our clothes is private, we don't touch others under their clothes' and just let it blow over. He was just being a crazy kid, I think it merits a discussion and nothing more. Sorry you guys had to go through this. Hopefully the girls parents won't make it too big they are both so young....hang in there..
poor kiddo...i too have an adhd six year old. they DON'T know why they do some things, and they CAN'T always help it.
my son's impulse control only got better with medication. previously, i can easily see him doing something like this as a joke, trying to be silly/funny. he still thinks anything to do with underwear, burps, farts, pooping, is HYSTERICAL. it can get quite inappropriate. (just the phrase "dirty dirty underwear!" i can easily imagine being repeated with giggling glee...)
you don't mention what kind of tone he used. i am guessing there wasn't a sexual intent. (if there was or there's a possibility that there was, then this is an ENTIRE different question, which i'm sure you realize.)
not long after my son was diagnosed this fall, he got in very big trouble in his YMCA after school program because he was playing with a friend, got carried away, and inappropriately put his hands on the child's neck (in a "choking" gesture, although he did not put pressure on the child's neck or hurt him at all). the child happened to be one with some sensory issues, who does NOT like to be touched - and chaos ensued. i had to fill out an incident report and we were told if something like that happened again, my son could get kicked out of the program.
i hope that story makes you feel a little bit better. like i said i could see my son doing something similar if he was not medicated. they just get crazy and don't think about what they're doing. i'm very sorry this happened.
it sounds to me like his ADHD is not under control. if i am right, that means that this was unequivocally NOT his fault. please don't be TOO hard on him. it sounds as though he was terrified enough.
Oh your poor son! I am so sorry this happened, and we do indeed live in a screwed up world. I have no advice for you, but I wanted to send you support. My two year old son likes to rub my tummy, and I have seen him try to rub other people's tummies or lift their shirt to pat their tummy. He also "checks my diaper." I have been trying to stop these perfectly innocent behaviors because I am so afraid of exactly what happened to your son in this world gone mad. Definitely reassure him that he's a good boy and just matter of factly reiterate the rules about private parts. I hope he and you can forget all the rest of this craziness as soon as possible.
You know what, districts in our area have this kind of protocol. My friend just went through something awful, as well. Her daughter had a sleepover with a friend and saw a minute of an "R" rated movie while passing through to the play room. Wouldn't you know the part she saw was a woman shoving her privates in a dude's face, and saying lick it or something like that. She reenacted at school, and their protocol was very similar. I think it happened mid week, and they suspended her for the remainder of the week. It's sad, but it is that way. I would not worry about protective services. With my friend, they visited (scheduled) their home and talked with all the children. They talked with the parents. They took a look around. The case was closed.
My concern, would be finding out where he learned to do that. 9 times out of 10, it's completely innocent. They see an older kid, part of a movie, whatever. Usually, they are just acting what they've seen. It's just important to calmly make sure it's not something deeper, something someone has showed him inappropriately. Like I said, usually not...but we just have to do that as parents. My friend had it figured out by the time DHS came, and they understood her actions were not a reflection of something she had been through.
I know these protocols seem insane, but they have to abide by them. I would not punish your child more. I would just have a talk about respect and privacy. Find out where he saw this, and then let it be.
You need to find out why he did it. Talk to a counselor soon. This could be a stupid stunt, or be learned behavior (TV, Saw someone else doing it, or even done to him) and you have to figure out which quickly.
The thing is, six yr olds can be sexual predators too, learned for others. There are documented cases for this, so the school has to be on guard. I feel for you as this is very scary for everyone involved, but it cannot be shrugged off as just something kids do.
Wow, this is one that has me at a loss for words. I think your son is scared enough, I don't think any other "punishment" is necessary. But you and daddy need to definitely sit him down and have a talk with him outside the presence of school officials. If you know a counselor he can talk to, I would have him talk to them. It's probably nothing to be concerned about. I am surprised they are calling this sexual harassment. Very sorry your family is going through this.
Yet another example of why girls should wear shorts under dresses! Where were the teachers while she was goofing around and showing the playground her undies?
I don't know what additional punishment I would give. I know that I wouldn't allow the usual dessert or anything that seemed like a 'comfort' move or reward.
Definitely no need for additional consequences. The school district must have a "zero tolerance" policy with respect to sexual harassment. Your case is the reason why more and more districts are doing away with "zero tolerance" policies. They really rob the school administration and parents from being able to use common sense.
There will be no criminal record and I believe that you can petition to have it removed from his school record sooner.
I'm torn too. I want to believe this is a real question, but you are saying the school called the police on your kindergartner for sexual harrassment? AND suspended him for 2 days? That sounds so over the top, I would expect to hear about it on the news, right after the story of the kid who got suspended for a gun shaped pop tart.
