5 Year Old Son Connection

The male brain is simple most of the time . . . he knows you're always there and you'll always love him. He probably has to work a little harder to gain Dad's respect (which is important to boys).

Boys are just not as "relational" as girls most of the time. Some boys gravitate more to dad than mom (both my boys did and they have completely different dads, and my older son even gravitates more to his step-dad, my husband, than me!).

I would just stay positive, consistent, and unconditionally loving (but NOT a door mat). He will come around as he gets older.

Good luck and try to not take it personally.

My son prefers me over his father, but I will not allow my son to be disrespectful to his dad. If my son even fixes his mouth to get sassy with his father, I encourage my husband to correct the behavior (usually with a look and a nod) and then I back it up. In other words, mom and dad are a united front. While dad might be your son's favorite, he still needs to have some respect and grasp the fact you are still his mother.

Does your husband back you up? How does your husband treat you? Why does your son think it's OK to respect dad, but disrespect mom? I don't think it's just a boy thing, because before he is your son he is your child, no matter the sex. Yes, there are differences between boy's and girl's but this isn't a case of that. I think he needs to learn how to respect and appreciate you.

If others say this is typical, I guess I've been lucky.
Our son's never acted like this.
We got into a routine early on - I pick out his clothes the night before - there's no changing your mind about it in the morning.
What did your husband do to get him to wait nicely with him?
If son can do it for Dad, he should be able to do it for you.
What are the consequences if he doesn't listen to you?
No tv? No games? No desert?
Find his currency, then use it.
Let him know "Work WITH me and life can be sweet. Work AGAINST me and there won't be much to be happy about.".
If he learns this now, there's a chance he might remember it by the time he's a teen.

I agree with the others who have posted -- this is fairly typical for boys and especially for boys of this age. I saw it all the time among boys when my daughter was this age; the girls were more respectful of their moms than the boys were, but the boys would straighten up for their dads fast.

Remember the old saying: "Familiarity breeds contempt." Not that what he's expressing is contempt, but you get the idea: You're around all the time; you probably are the one who mostly has to say "No" to him, right? And the one who has to administer the discipline when needed, most of the time, because you're the one present, right? So he knows you all too well, and you're the one who has to say "No" and "It's time to leave the playground now" and "Put that thing down." Does your husband have to do those things nearly as much? I'd bet not.

Talk to your husband about what you said here. Get him to see your feelings are valid. Even though this is typical behavior, that does not mean you have to go on feeling as you do, and it does not mean your son should be allowed to treat you disrepectfully -- he may not be warm and cudddly (you cannot force that) but he should at least start to learn to express appreciation. Kids must LEARN that which means they must be actively taught it.

That's where your husband comes in. He needs to guide his son to treat you better and actively say thanks to mom. Your husband needs to be consistent in having your son turn to thank you for something you did, or apologize for being angry over his shirt, or whatever. If your husband is really on the ball, he could sit with your son one Saturday and say, "Let's make mom a surprise 'I love you' card" and/or have your son help him plan a surprise lunch for mom that your son would help fix. In other words -- get your husband involved in teaching your son to express gratitude and show respect.

i have a 5 year old son, granted he has always been "mama's boy", my 1 and only. we have had to work more for the dad connection. anyway, your post makes me wonder how he sees dad treat YOU. if his dad is so great and he has such respect and love and such a great bond with him, wouldn't he want to emulate him? at this point i wonder why he is disrespecting you so much. first obviously, you have allowed it, but that's just a given, right? obviously you have not demanded he treat you with respect and disciplined appropriately when he didn't. (assuming there is not a divorce, move, death in the family, other kind of trauma, causing this anger). if there is not an upheaval in his life to cause this, then it's simply a discipline issue. i would talk to your husband about it. he should be reinforcing good treatment of you, both by his actions, AND by his words and helping his son remember to act appropriately. he should back you up by disciplining when your son is disrespectful. somewhere, something is getting missed. good luck, i hope you figure out what it is.

My first thought was: how does your husband treat you? Is he picking up cues from watching your husband?

If it were me, before we leave for the bus stop, I would get down to his level, take his little chin in my hand, look him sternly in the eyes and tell him in no uncertain terms how I expect him to behave at the bus stop. If he doesn't behave, then as soon as he comes home from school, he'd be in his room.

It really sounds like your son doesn't respect you. You need to change that. You need to implement some tough love and make him treat you better and behave for you as he behaves for his dad.

I think you need to be a little more stern. And again, I wonder how does your husband treat you?

Boyz are boyz are boyz...I didn't realize this until I got two of my grans to raise, AND he is 5! Someone in the bus is more than likely ribbing him about 'mommy has to stand with you @ the bus stop like a baby' the same kid would never say the same thing about dad, it's a 'male' thing yet again...

Maybe if you just let him run it out (as long as he isn't in the road) while waiting & ignored him the behavior would simply run it's course.

As the other mama's have said, don't take it personally, he is...a boy...:)

My 6 yr old son did this last year so I understand. You both need space right now. Its time to start backing off and "letting go" and to place yourself on the sidelines to simply watch over him and guide if he asks. No, it isn't fair since you are probably the main caregiver (plus, you gave birth to him!), but its something you have to do in order to not jeopardize a close relationship with him.

But don't let him be rude to you - if he doesn't like what you are doing, he needs to learn how to say "No thank you" or "I'd like to pick out my own clothes" or "Can I be by myself for a little while". And if he does say things like that BE OKAY WITH IT!!! But if he wants to be an independent boy, then he needs to start acting like one and being respectful is one of the ways he can prove he is "all grown up".

The way he sees how he fits in the world will change every year he gets older. He is learning his own life lessons, seeing how he is with other people, and learning how to make his own choices. He wants to sure he can learn and grow from his own discoveries and see how his choices will prevail, andin his mind this won't come if he has to "listen to you all the time".

Start letting him do everything on his own. That way he will see his own limits and know when to secede and ask for help. Start making him accountable for his schedule and when to do things. Instead of saying "We have to go, get your shoes on" say "its time to leave", where you should have already explained to him that when you say that, he should already know what to do.

Hang in there.

Boy, you've gotten a lot of good advice, A.... Lots of it. I especially like the comments about getting firmer with him. He is CHOOSING to treat you badly, like he's CHOSEN to treat your husband well. He can be respectful, just CHOOSES to not be respectful to you.. Wonder why? I would venture that it's because you don't make him..

Secondly, I fully fully agree that you must make it fun for him - I am always making stupid noises, making stupid jokes, making cookies or crafts with my girls, and even though I'm a strict mom, it's still fun.. And they love me. I know b/c they make me cards all the time. This is even my 'challenging' independent child! So, I know it's the right combination! :)

Good luck!

I think you need to have more fun with your son, and give him some time to miss you.
It is wonderful that your husband backs you up and treats you with respect, but it sounds like you are still the one doing the vast majority of the day to day care giving. Whereas dad's time with your son is more centered on fun and play, or just hanging out. And time with dad is more exciting because it's less common.
Here's what I suggest. At least once a week, have dad do the evening routine while you take time for yourself. Maybe take a long bath or even leave the house. Go get a coffee at the bookstore, or whatever you enjoy. And another night, at least once a week, focus on having quality time with your son while Dad does all the more business like stuff i.e. cooking dinner, cleaning up, etc.
My son is only 2, but I've noticed that nothing seems to make him appreciate me more, and gravitate to me more, than PLAYING and having fun with him.
Maybe you just need to have more FUN with your child! :)
Good luck!