5-Year-old with Discipline Problem

I have been facing some of the same problems. I have been at my breaking point several times and it seems that nothing works (taking away toys, favorite activities, etc..) and not much seems to phase them. But one thing that has really helped me lately is reading the book "The New-Strong Willed Child" By Dr. James Dobson. This book has been a great help not only for me but for my children. It gives several ideas to help regain the respect/love of a child without harming thier spirit.
Love,
B.

Hi there,
My son's school has been recomending this 1-2-3 Magic program and even held parenting classes for everyone. They use this in the classroom and it is amazing. There is a book by the same name and then there are several videos too. It is really a great thing.
D. Marie

We had a real problem with this with my niece whom i help raise, we started putting tobassco sauce on her toung or making her eat a bite of a hot pepper. it sounds mean but it worked well and now even at eight almost nine whrnever she gets out of hand it still works.

My daughter was very bright at that young age, too. It is so difficult not engaging in arguments with them when they can converse with you as an adult would. I learned that I had to discuss the importance of respect, looked it up in the dictionary, and made sure she knew what it meant. Then when ever I would see one person, like at a store or at grandma's house, treating the other one with respect I would point it out - in whisper - to my daughter. (That gave me 1 point)We made a game out of it to see who could be the most polite. We kept score, like you would in 'slug bug' and the one with the most points won little prizes. If she were at all disrespectful, it was then easier on me to discipline. I would 'respectfully' remind and have her go into time out. If at home, no warnings. No "If you do that again..." It had to be immediate or it gave her time to think of an excuse or a reason she thought would justify the behavior. (a curse of having such a bright child is that they sure do get good at the justification bit) If we were not at home, I reminded her that being disrespectful just earned her x amuount of minutes in time out. I was sure to enforce the time out as soon as we got there.
I hope this helps...congratulations on such a sucessful child and good luck to you.

A., you have your hands full. From personal experience as a mom and a Kindergarten teacher, I can tell you that the smartest kids can sometimes be the most difficult. So I hope my suggestions will help you.
First of all, realize that even though your son can talk, read, and write like an older child, he is still a five-year-old. Chances are his social and emotional skills are lagging WAY behind his cognitive skills. I made this mistake with my daughter - she talked like she was older so I expected her to act like she was older. Five year olds are testing out the boundaries, such as sassing or back-talking. Especially if he saw what happened when his half-sister(?) did it. Be patient and loving in your reactions and don't give him the pay out he is looking for (even a slap in the mouth could do that!)
Second, at five, he should be old enough be understanding cause and effect, but just beginning to really get the idea that his actions have consequences. Be very consistent and make the consequences logical. If he talks disrespectfully, he should be isolated for a short time "until he can be polite" - probably about 5 minutes. (Make sure he knows what it is to 'be polite'). And praise him for being respectful.
Finally, 5-year-old boys tend to be silly, goofy, creatures. Potty humor is a favorite thing among them. And the disrespect you see may stem from this goofiness. Allow him to be silly at times, and teach him when it is ok and when it isn't.
Enjoy your little genius. He will grow up way to fast (boy do I know that one.....)

HI,

We have boys also(ages 8 & 6) (and 1 girl - almost 3). This is something we are dealing with too. In addition to fighting, yelling, throwing things and boy noises (you know what I mean).

About a year ago the kids and I read the book Berenstain Bears Forget their Manners. The mama bear made a list of all the things she wanted stopped (ie: pushing, name calling) and attached a penalty to each one. I liked the idea so much we made our own poster. Now if the kids get out of hand they have to do a penalty (ie: vacumm the livingroom, pick up 10 toys, 5 mins on your bed). Most of the time I just have to remind them of the penalty and they stop, but there are a few times I get some extra work out of them. The lesson is cause and effect (if you do this then that will happen). As for your 13 yr old one of our behavior issues is Showing a bad example (we have a 2yr old watching). If you show a bad example you have to vacumm my van (my hubby has had to do this before).

You also have to find what works best for each child. For example my oldest thinks his world will end without friends and my middle is attached to Legos. Again cause and effect. Good luck.

A. - Kudos for having such a wonderful intelligent child.

It is my belief that children learn respect thru example and thru conversation. I believe it is a parents job to teach thier children how to "play the game of life" - what works and what does not and why!

Do you talk to your son about the process of respect, how it is a two way street, how to handle situations where he does not feel respected, how you handle situations where you are polite when you have impulses to do otherwise? I believe this is imperative to his growth - you admit he is a smart kid - help him figure it out - if you try to control him he will resist - just like any adult would too! Control never works in parenting.

It sounds like it would be a great family conversation for you all, since you daughter is going thru the same issues and you mention "taking care of your 33 year old" - of course the conversations with your daughter and husband would be more in depth then when you are speaking to your son. But the lesson is the same and the five year old is definately picking up on the interactions between you and your husband and his daughter.

It is my belief that violence - "smacking a child" teaches a child to be violent and it never an option.

I have two very independent and successful daughters, 23 and 20. We had many of the types of conversations I reccomend and it works - they know about playing the "game" of life.

Good luck!
NAncy

Take away privledges until he gets it. Don't give him much reaction. He gets a rise out of you and whoever he does this too - once you set strong boundaries about what is acceptable and what is not and stop reacting to his nonsense he'll stop looking for a reaction. He's running your family, not you. Figure it out quick, because the older he gets the harder it will be to fix.

By privledges, I mean tv, play time with other kids, school (if he likes it), special snacks, make an earlier bed time, toys whatever he enjoys. His enjoyment should not come at the expense of anyone else. If he's your oldest - he is setting the example and tone of the household.

A.,
you are blessed with a bright kid, which is a big joy, yet the bigger responsibility and sometimes challenge.
Your dear boy is smart, but not wise yet. To teach him wisdom is obviously your task, and one of the wise moves that you do is to seek for all the possible help, and I wish you good luck, as all the kids are different and therefore, different approaches work for different children.
What I'd suggest is this: you, your husband, and whoever communicates with your son, make an agreement that whenever he says something not respectfully, inappropriate, not fitting into the polite and caring context: IGNORE HIM TZOTALLY as if he is not even in the room. Juos, quit noticing his presence. In some occasions you can even intensify this experience for him by asking each other, like mom asking dad: "Dad, have you seen our boy? He was just here and we had a nice conversation, and suddenly, I do not know where he disappeared!" You know what I say? He wants attention, 'badly'! So, he converses with many people as this is his strong part. Now, when you do NOT give him the attention that he seeks for, he will be disappointed and being smart as he is, he will soon figure out that whenever he is disrespectful, the communication with others will be diminished. He won't like it and will figure out that it's better to follow the rules.
See, the problem with you trying to convince him, or talk to him is, that he thinks fast and responds momentarily, and you do not have that speed and wit to respond in a humorous or adequate manner, so that he could receive the message and think it over: is it worth word-fighting' back, as in fact this is exactly what he seeks for: verbal communication...
Also, if he wants something and tries to get it in the similar way of imposing his inappropriate behavior, I always told my sons: "go ahead, do as you wish, but the more you do it, the less chances you have to get what you desire." As a result, my boys had never been in a habit of whining, demanding, crying, or throwing tantrums: they figured out pretty soon that it does not work.
And lastly: engage him in interesting, kind of scientific conversations and activities: invite him to think, is the Universe limitless, or does it have boundaries. Can you please draw me a picture of how the eagle sees the world when it is soaring? If you cannot come up with such tasks, look online: we have such a great access to information now. Your son may be plain bored with everyday life, his brain need challenge. If you make him busy, he might have no time for disrespectful talk any more, as he will be solving some tasks in his mind, like a little scientist, you know? This is very important, as the danger is, in school he might get plain bored also, as he is smart and all will be too easy for him. If you manage to teach him how to see and work beyond the box: the teacher gives a task, he solves it quickly and then seeks for EXTRA information on the same topic: that might save the trouble in 12 years of school, and help him to find his path in one of the sciences, maybe...it is definitely a hard work for parents, and you all need support from other adults around, but the benefits will be enormous, so dear ones, go for it, don't get frustrated, and remember, it is a working situation - nothing is wrong, yet.
Good luck to you, and I hope you will soon be able to enjoy your great son's company again.

Discipline comes in many ways. 1st you need to choose what form of discipline effects this particular child. Discipline is a means of getting their attention to the point of listening and changing his/her behavior. For my twin daughters I swatted on the bottom and that was enough. For my daughter nothing worked except the corner (after awhile that didn't work for her). Whatever you do YOU & YOUR HUBBY NEEDS TO CHOOSE TOGETHER AND THEN STAY CONSISTENT. If my little ones (at younger ages) said something that was not appropriate, I thumped their mouth. I AGREE WITH YOU SLAPPING IN THE FACE IS NEVER AN OPTION! That is a reaction (which is what he is doing) and you are trying to accomplish a more pleasant action. If he says something or yells at you then you and your hubby needs to let him know that is not appropriate and he needs to apologize. I used to tell my kids, "You can say anything you need to me, as long as you are respectful". If they yelled at me I'd say "Please don't yell at me" and eventually they'd say I'm sorry on their own. STAY CONSISTENT!!!!!!! STICK TOGETHER!!!!!! ALLOW THE AUNTS, GRANDS, UNCLES TO DO THE EXACT SAME THING, SO THAT HE GETS THAT IT IS NOT APPROPRIATE! k

I would think of this as boredom and disrespecting others is entertaining I have a son who enjoys what I call shock and aw. Yes you need to correct the problem and explain this to him, But I don't think it's the true problem, if he is reading and writing at five you have a very smart child, who needs some challenges in his life. New ones maybe, You know your son what does he like Art, Books, cars, maybe simple models of cars to put together or an art set what does he love to do more than disrespect people? Sometimes giving to much audience to the bad behavior make it escalate cause it's so fun to watch grandma lose it. or mom, or whomever the target is. Smart kids tend to get more busy work but not true challenges, it's a problem in schools I have two very smart boys one who let the test show he was a genius and got more school work, so the younger one faked his tests scores to make sure he didn't get more work because he saw the older one not get a reward for being smart and he feels if you let anyone prove it you just get more work, he saw no advantage in letting anyone know he's smart. This same child uses whatever will get attention and entertainment value so choose your battle carefully a bored child is hell.

Hi. I wanted to tell you some thing that has worked for us...

4 wonderful books....Check em out!!

*How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk, *Living Joyfully with Children,
*Respectful Parents, Respectful Kids: 7 Keys to Turn Family Conflict into Cooperation

Go to: www.sweetjoy.com/book/bookmenu.html
and : www.amazon.com/How-Talk-Kids-Will-Listen/dp/0380811960
and: www.amazon.com/Respectful-Parents-Kids-Conflict-Cooperati...

Speak respectfully to THEM. I take to issue here some of the suggestions in Love and Logic Parenting and 1-2-3 Magic. They have a number of good ideas, granted, but some seem like dog commands. Actually they are! "German Shepard Rule." I can SO see my kids feeling totally weird about being counted, or commanded. "Come, Sit. Stay!"

I know that it works for lots of parents, but seems dictator like and doesn't transfer well to other caregivers, or translate very well into teenage years or real life.

Some one suggested "vinegar in the mouth," or "bite of a hot pepper." ?! Thats like fighting disrespect with more of the same.

We ALL deserve to be treated in a way that takes care of hearts...(even when expressing anger.)

"Speak the truth in Love."
-some famous guy named Paul

And lastly, but most important, aside from any book or approach that you find out there, remind yourself and who ever you encounter, (ages 1 year-100) how YOU want to be treated. Dont take mouthiness personally. Have consequences. Be consistent. Your children will see you take care of YOURSELF this way and that is important. Foster natural, mutual respect and forgiveness with children the same way you would with an adult. There is an old adage that says respect should be earned. I disaggree. Perhaps respect can be more like a manner of travel, and less like a bank account that needs to be filled.

I hope that you find the solution that works for you and your fam!!

-L

Behavior chart. For every infraction a frowny face, with so many frowny faces, say 15, then 30 minutes off of bedtime and keep up like 20 then it is no TV for two days or whatever works for your family and what he will respond to.

It works the other way too as earning smiley faces for going a day without the bad behavior or doing something exceptional.

I always stop my daughter and tell her "do not dig a deeper hole for yourself with hurtful words!!!!". She and I have finally worked out if you are angry, upset, sad you stop and go sit until you calm down so you don't say anything to get yourself into trouble or hurt someone's feelings!!!!!!

It took a while but it works now for us, she will be punished when she is sassy, bratty or disrespectful.

When your son starts losing priviledges due to his mouth, believe me he will start getting in the habit of stopping himself and thinking before he reacts. You have to be his teacher and not worry about his step sister, if he gets it, then it is his choice to make the choice to keep his mouthy stuff to himself!

Hi A. (I love that name),

There is a great book - How to Talk so Your Kids Will Listen and Listen so Your Kids Will Talk. It is incredible for problems like this. I would not use Love and Logic. I know three moms who used it, their kids all attempted suicide (one succeeded.)

Another side to discipline problems is what they are eating. When my kids have outbursts or behavior issues, I could almost always trace it back to what they ate - it was usually sugar foods with color dyes. One of my children had horrible discipline problems and I was so embarassed. When I took him off sugar foods with color dyes and started getting the whole family on fish and flax oils, they COMPLETELY went away! It was so amazing! I got really into health food and wrote a book to help people get started. It's called Shopper's Guide to Healthy Living, available on amazon.com. I also send out a Healthy Hint of the Week via email. If you want to be added, or have questions, email me at ____@____.com

I can feel your pain! lol! My oldest is also five, and is very smart. (I often say the same thing, too smart for her own good). We've also had the problem with smarting off, as I'm sure most parents do eventually, I just never thought it would start at four and five! Anyway, she has gotten better about it, but it has taken time. The main thing that I've found that works is consistency. You need to decide what you are going to do when he smarts off, then do it every time. If he gets away with it sometimes, then you'll never stop the behavior. Time outs work for us. My daughter absolutely hates time outs. But we combined time outs with positive reinforcment. I bought some marbles and told her everytime I told her to do something, and she did it the first time without getting a smart mouth, she would get a marble. When she filled her cup (just a little 3oz dixie cup) she would get a special surprise. The first cup took awhile to fill, when she did get it filled just her and I went to lunch. The second one filled up pretty quick and her daddy had a lunch date. The surprise doesn't have to be anything expensive, we've found the best reward is often just one on one time with one of us. With three kids it is hard to get!
I have to say I did resort to putting yucky stuff in her mouth once. She kept calling me and everyone else a jerk. I told her over and over that "jerk" was a yucky word and I did not want to hear it come out of her mouth. Finally, I warned her that if she said it again I was going to put something yucky in her mouth. She said it, so I put a dab of apple cider vinegar on a paper towel and stuck the paper towel on her tounge for about 1/2 a second. It was enough to get my point across and she has never said it again.
Good luck to you!

Have you tried any Love and Logic with him? Some examples of how they would say to handle it is.
"Utoh, I will talk to you when your voice sounds like mine."
"I only respond to boys who use please and thank you."
"That's so sad, I'm not going to be able to help you since you can't talk to me with respect. Why don't you try again later."
Then walk away. Don't allow yourself to get pulled into an arguement. If he comes at you with complaints, just say "I know" "I know" eventually he'll get the hint and quit trying to argue.

The empathy is the most important thing. It keeps the sarcasm out of it. If he hears that sarcasm modeled anywhere, he is chosing to model that language. Maybe it is your step daughter. How does he hear you and your husband talk to eachother? Not to point fingers, just think about where he might be hearing it to determine where the tone and disrespectful attitude come from.

www.loveandlogic.com

Hi SAHM- It feels weird for me to be giving advice to a stranger,but I think I can help. There are books and parenting classes all over the US for a program called "LOVE AND LOGIC". If you can find a class at a local elementary school then it only costs $10 for the course. If you can't find them around you there are lots of books on it at most all libraries. It's a wonderful way to discipline your kids without hitting. And the best part s that it works. They have a website and once you've taken the $10 course at a school you can take it again and again for free. The $10 is only for the workbook that they give you. Their method is completely "Logical" and revolve around the "Love" you share with your kids. It will work if you keep at it and be strong. Good Luck. SP

My daughter will turn 5 in May and she has a problem with talking back to my mother and myself. She is very smart and very curious! I have told her time annd time again she can not talk this way to adults. My mom watches her during the day when I am at work and gets very upset when Angel talks back to her. My mother says well we were never aloud to talk to my parents that way. It is that Angel always has to have a response to what you tell her to do or a reason why she did what she did. I do not know if it is the age that they are at or what? So good luck to you! Let me know if you learn anything to help ur situation! I am a single Mom with a Daughter 4 1/2 & Son 18 Months!

There are some really helpful CDs/DVDs from Love & Logic that you can get to help you. First thing, is not to argue with him and let him push your buttons. Simply go "brain dead" and repeat over and over and over again "I love you to much to argue" whatever he says repeat it again and again "I love you to much to argue" Once he learns he can't get his way or push your buttons by arguing, then you need to turn your words into gold.

Think of all the things you do for him, feed him snacks, take him on play dates, tuck him in at night, read him stories, etc THen you say, "When I feel treated with respect, I'll xxxxx"

I had a mom in my parenting class deal with a disrespectful 8 year old by using this phrase when her son sassed her. At night right before bed she said, "This is so sad, but today, I didn't feel treated with respect. And I only tuck little boys into bed that don't sass their mom's and treat them with respect." Now he protested and cried and threw a big fit, but the mom said "love you to much to argue" and left the room. The next morning the boy (all on his own) said, "Mom, if I don't sass you today, will you tuck me into bed tonight?"

Check out my parenting class in A. on my website www.shellymoorman.com. THere are lots more ideas to share!

I would recommend The 5 Love Languages of Children. It is wonderful. It sounds like your 5 year old feels loved when he hears words of affirmation (since this seems to be what he's seeking out from you when he 'smarts off'). The library usually carries copies but what most parents find is that when the child's love language is spoken to them adequately, the undesirable behavior diminishes. i.e. a child who hits or bites feels they are loved through touch. The hitting and biting are redirected by stating something like, "In our home we hug and kiss and I'm happy to do so whenever you like," and reinforced with spontaneous hugs, kisses and gentle touch from Mom and Dad. Hope it's helpful!

I hear your pain, mama.

I have a very high IQ son as well who's language skills were/are like your son's, off the charts. W A Y too smart for my own good. And we were really starting to have some serious behavioral issues.

Then my very clever and wise mother gave me a book called Parenting with Love and Logic. It changed our lives - almost over night. It was as if someone handed my a How To book, complete with the words to say!

I know there are several parenting groups and people who teach Love and Logic in this area. I highly recommend you find one. It's NEVER too late!!!

You're already half way to your solution by just asking for help.

Blessings,

M.

Has anyone recommended this book to you. I am in a similar situation with my daughter, she is VERY head strong. Even if you have only 5 minutes a day, I RECOMMEND this book for YOU and your family. It was very helpful and insightful for me. I now feel relief to have some better parenting tools in my pocket now. _megan

Book at Amazon:
Setting Limits with Your Strong-Willed Child : Eliminating Conflict by Establishing Clear, Firm, and Respectful Boundaries (Paperback) by Robert J. MacKenzie Ed.D.

You should check out the Love And Logic method of parenting. It is hard to re-learn parenting, but sooo worth it. There is a website, lots of books and CDs, classes, etc. I highly recommend the class since it is the best way to learn something new. -E.

You need to read the Love and Logic book NOW! Then find a local church or school that is conducting the classes and attend them ASAP.

As a teacher and a parent I have found the Love and Logic much more effective than How to Talk so Kids Will Listen (I'ver read and tried both).

Good luck, and it is best to nip this in the bud now or suffer the consequences later.

You son might be having problems with some processing functions in his brain. Maybe not accessing the areas that he needs to understand. Therefore, causing confusion. Kids always act out when they can't understand something or not be understood. Check out this website for Brain Integration and Craniosacral work. www.wellhavengj.com My name is Y. Lange ###-###-#### for more info.

I have a very bright child as well and have had some of the same issues. I have found that it is best when I don't get sucked into a debate with her. Explaining things leads a bright child to a place where you feel you need to justify your actions - not a good place to be with a child. They need to respect your authority.

What has worked the best for me is to know what is important to my child - some privilege they enjoy - and to take that away when she oversteps the line and is disrespectful. It works best if you are absolutely consistent and do not get upset or use emotion when explaining the consequences. For instance, if my daughter oversteps her bounds we will say no tv or dolls or desserts for a day or two - whatever privilege she is most attached to at the time. After many failed attempts, this is what has worked best for us. Good luck!

Check out "Parenting with Love and Logic"
at the library. Great ideas!!

I am a 32 y/o SAHM and I also got popped in the mouth if I backtalked. My sister-in-law, 11 y/o, is a smart mouth and when she is at our house its our rules and I have popped her in the mouth too. Just a flick of the fingers, but it gets their attention. (with mom-in-law's permission)
Old School worked for us and it can work for our kids. Whatever you decide start now before it gets out of control.

Model the behavior you seek. When he smarts off, speak the words you desire as if you are him. He doesn't have a real concept of disrespect yet. Let him keep hearing the respectful way to speak from you and your husband.

I'm not sure if this is your answer, but Love and Logic might have some answers for you. www.loveandlogic.com is their web site. They have alot of information and books that might help you. They have seminars too, but if your not in the area, that might not help. I hope you get some good feedback to help you out.
SORRY, I just posted and see that someone else has offered the love and logic thing too : )

I have six children of my own and they can be a hand full. My 4 year old has started with a little smart mouth of her own. But, my older children are not allowed to smart mouth or talk disrespectful to anyone, neither is she. My teenager 14 is always hailed by her teachers as the sweetest and best student. You HAVE to discipline. Find something you feel comfortable with. Not smacking, but maybe, time out chair our I stick my 4 year olds nose in the corner for 4 minutes. The trick is to do it EVERY time and be consistant. Let him know that this behavior is unacceptable. If he is as smart as you say, he'll get it real quick that he doesn't want his nose in the corner all day long. Or sitting in time out. Or whatever. If he cries and throws a fit when disciplined tell him that his time doesn't start until he is quiet. This might take some time for him to get, but he will and then it will get easier I promise. A little stress right now will save you TONS of stress later, if he is a smart mouthed teenager believe me!!!! Also, enjoy, they grow up tooooo fast. Good luck to you.

My daughter had a friend whose mom worked in the military. Her kids (son 11, daughter 4) had to say "yes, ma'am" or "yes sir". They didn't do it absolutely all the time, but every time there was a disagreement between the child and the parents, the kid did it at the end. or if the kid started being mouthy. basically any time they showed disrespect, they had to say it to get back in good graces. otherwise they were choosing the "bad consequences". Not only that, but they had to say it in a respectful tone or it was like they hadn't said it at all.

It's the only example I've ever seen of teaching your kids respect.

I started doing that w/ my daughter. It worked pretty well. she giggles a lot when i say 'yes ma'am' to her.

The best thing that has worked for me is setting guidelines and NEVER wavering on them. If you set consequences and ALWAYS follow through, your son will learn. It's up to you to decide which are the best consequenses. I have used time outs ( or "time alone's"). If you give one warning, make sure you say "this is your last warning, next time you spend 10 min. in your room" or "next time it means we are not going to the movie" ect. Your son will learn that you will follow through with what you say. Kids really need parents to stick to boundaries, because it's their job to test them.
Good luck!

have you thought of a school like rocky mountain school for the talented and gifted? check it out on google. also i love how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk. there is a book and also a course taught by this person in the area. good luck. Karen Pietruszka [____@____.com]

A.:

I would recommend that you try the privilege and denial of privileges approach. For example, if your 5-year-old likes to play video games or go over to the neighbor's to play, take that privilege away. I have a 5-year-old who behaved much the way you describe when he came to live with me last A.. He doesn't do this any more. In fact, usually all I have to do is count to 1 and the bad behavior stops instantly! I count to three and if the bad behavior doesn't stop then he loses a privilege. He can only play video games for 1/2 hour after school and yesterday, he was misbehaving and so after counting to three and because we had company, he though he'd get away with something. I said, in front of my company, "I'm so sorry that you won't get to play your video game tomorrow. I wish that hadn't happened. Maybe next time when Tia asks you to stop, you might listen." He immediately started crying and saying, "No! I'm sorry! I won't do it anymore." And I said, "OK, that sounds like a deal." He asked if he was still grounded and I said that he was. He said, "But I said I'd stop." And I said, "Yes, but you didn't stop this time and it's important that we listen to each other all the time. You can have your privileges back tomorrow unless you decide to give them up that day too." The key is consistency. Never threaten unless you're willing to follow through because they will push you!

HTH

Good for you for wanting to instill respect for others! Whenever your son smarts off to you or any other adults (but I would begin with you & your hubby 1st), call a time out. The worse the back-talk, the longer the time. Either a time out on the couch, in the corner, or in a room where he can't play.
Seeing as your son is bright, after the time out is over, sit and converse with him on why he had a time out and what he can do to avoid it again. This will take some time, but you will see improvements.
Be sure to praise and reward respect shown, especially for any out-of-the way behavior. Then at bedtime, have a conversation everyday on what everyone did to make someone feel better. You get the idea...

I have kids with mouths that are hard to control too. Sometimes I tell my kids that if they are learning this behavior from their friends they will not be allowed to play with them anymore. If all other ways of controling this don't help, I have to get some dish soap on my finger and (wash those words out of their mouths). I know that sounds bad, but for my kids it worked and they decided rather than having to go to extremes with me they would cooperate. This is only something I did when nothing else worked. You might try it. Kids should learn at an early age that this is not acceptable behavior. P.

I am currently reading "How to Behave so Your Children Will Too" by Sal Severe, Ph.D. and I highly recommend it. The chapters are short and easy to read parts of as time will allow.

i read a wonderful book called "Don't make me count to three" by Ginger Plowman. She gives practical advice in addition to theory that makes it very easy to follow a new plan of action. We had the same problem with our 5 yr old, altho not to the extent you are describing. for our son it was a heart issue. he could control his behavior, but we didn't change his heart. A subtle difference, I know, but when the concept was explained to us, it made a LOT of sense. Another good reference is Shepherding a Child's Heart by Tedd Tripp. Both are available at cbd.com. Good luck! Stay consistent!

I am a mom of 4 children ages 9, 7, 5, 2. Every time they do something that is not right we put them on time out. But our time outs go like this. We put them facing a corner. Hands in lap feet on the floor. We don't even start the time out until they are quiet. We don't talk to them and they cant talk to us. If they get out, play or talk we start the timer over. It will take a while for them to get the hang of it. But it works. After the timer goes off they have to sit there until we come a get them. Then we calmly ask them if they know why they are on time out. If not we explain it to them. Then they need to say sorry. When they do then they can get off. Sometimes the child has stayed there or has gotten back on for most of the day. IT is hard work but they need to know that you are serious about it and if you give in then they know that you wont be serious and they can get away with it. Children need boundries. They will push them until you break so try to be strong.

I have 3 boys and I can totally relate...It basically comes back to how we as parents relate to our kids. I'm a yeller so my kids yell at me. So now I'm learning to not yell at my kids and talk to them in a low firm voice and not too loud. I use simple statements/sentences and get right to the point. And I do know that I have to be 100 % consistent. I try to use both the 1-2-3 Magic techniques and Love and Logic too. It really does work if and I say IF YOU ARE 100% constistent. They quickly learn that there are consequences to their actions and they can count on knowing where the bounderies are. I think it makes kids more secure in their relationship to us.
Better late than never, Good luck

I wouldn't give him any extra attention for this behavior. This is a reward in itself. If you're at home I would send him straight to time out. If you're out grocery shopping leave the store immediately and take him to the car. Ignore him when he speaks this way and be very consistent about it so he knows exactly what the boundaries are. But also make sure that he is rewarded when he is polite or goes a whole day without talking back. This can be positive feedback, more time with you, or you can even let him choose. You can sit down with him and say this is the rule, this won't be tolerated, these are the consequences if it happens and what would you like the consequence to be if you successfully follow the rule. As long as it is something you can live with, give it to him.

It sounds like your five year old is craving attention, but doesn't know how to ask for his needs to be met. Watch for when he his behaving well and praise the heck out of it. Also, has there been any recent changes in your life? You might also want to read some child development books on five year olds. Ames and any from the Gessel Institute are the best. Your son might be imitating you or your husband if you are having some marital problems. Another note: Have plenty of things available for him to do on his own. For example: 25-65 piece puzzles, lots of crayons, markers, paper, scissors, stickers. If you stamp or scrapbook and have some that he could use that keeps them busy. I allow the kids in my neighborhood use my punches and other stuff and they think that they are best artists. I was a stay at home mom and my son had some behavioral problems when I was stressed out, but I taught him to tell me when his emotional tank was empty so that I could give him extra love and attention. I am now a clinical therapist and work with children doing play therapy. I think that your son will be fine. Be patient and be consistent with discipline. Your no's need to be no's and your yes's yes. I will be praying for you.

Oh, dear. It will be worth the effort addressing this now since you have more children, huh? Read a couple books and arm yourself with a plan. (two I love are Love and Limits by Crary, and The Discipline Book by Sears). Then you might begin by explaining to your son this is how we've been living (your behavior and my response) up until now, and now we will do it differently. The most important thing you can do is be consistent and follow through every time, or your effort will not be worthwhile. When my young ones are snotty, I often say, "That wasn't polite. How can you say that nicer?" This let's the child be part of the solution, necessary for permanent change. Good luck!

I don't know how you would feel about this but I have a friend that would use caster oil (I think that was it the one they say helps induce labor) Every time his son would talk back he would put a drop on his tongue. It worked for them.

A.,

A good friend of mine read to try using vinegar in the mouth as a "wash your mouth out" kind of tool for disrespectful talk. He has to swish it around a little and then can spit it out. Better than soap, it won't hurt him, but tastes bad enough he won't want to endure it many times. My friend used it with her 4 year old that was having a similar problem, and it really helped! Good luck finding something that works for you.

A.

Hello A., You might be interested in reading, "How to Talk So Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk," by Faber and Mazlish. These authors have also written a teen version of this book, if you are interested in changing your relationship with your step-daughter. ~T.