4 Year Step-daughter Has Fits and I'm Not Allowed to Intervene

I don't think this relationship will last the long haul if you are never allowed to displine her. That is goofy. I would not be to stay with him.

To be honest didn't read all your edits or any of your answers from other moms. I just wanted to say that your boyfriend is absolutely right. Parenting his daughter is not up to you. You need to stay out of it. I too am a step mom. Before my DH and I were married we went to an awesome step parenting siminar. I can't tell you how many times that weekend we heard don't let the step parent parent. If it is stressing you out that much you need to figure out a way to step back. Maybe go talk to a counselor. This little girl has a mom and a dad, you are just the step mom.

Well, I don't know what you can do if your boyfriend is so sensitive that you cannot say anything. I would, however, tell her that she is not allowed to kick you, hit you, or direct her anger at you, because your boyfriend cannot remove your right to protect yourself from this behavoir. What I think you are saying is that you take the brunt of the fit, but are expected to wait it out and get an appology later? As a total stranger, I sure would not just let her kick me, I would tell her to put her feet on the ground where they belong, and then I would tell her that I did not want to be around someone who hurt me, and I would leave until she could control herself, or her father started to impose some limits on her behavoir (which she is screaming for by having fits.)

Cool aunts don't let kids grow up to rule the roost, because they know that is uncool for kids to have no limits and to turn out to be insufferable to everyone they meet. As a cool aunt, I would let Daddy deal with it alone if that is what he wants, but I sure would not send her the message that what she is doing is just fine with me, because that is just not cool at all.

Kids without limits grow up thinking that they are the center of the universe, and they have trouble thier whole lives finding out over and over again that they are not. Can you make yourself be OK with that? If you are going to be a long term addition to this family, you better be!

How important is the BF? He has put you in a Rock v hard spot.
Does he think that ignoring the fits will make them go away? What is his strategy here? The path of least resistence leads to a sad and rocky road ahead for his little girl.

M.

Ok, L., I'm going to be the odd man out on this one. I have a son (4 1/2) and a live-in fiance, so we are in basically the same situation, with you being in the shoes of my fiance.

Initially, when my fiance and I began living together, he tried very hard to be a good "parent type." He wanted to help me with my son, and he wanted to establish a bond with him. My son knew him as a friend of the family before we started dating, and certainly before he moved into our home approximately a year ago. So because he already had some foundation with him, it felt natural to him to want to try to do parenting things for him, including discipline. And by discipline, I am including things like training (put your shoes in the closet when you come in), as well as actual discipline for misbehavior.

Well, let me tell you, never in my life have I felt so defensive. And I could see my son's reaction to this was not a good one. He was clearly confused, hurt, and looking to me for answers.

Very early on, my fiance and I discussed the relationship he was trying to forge with my son. And from my perspective, in order for that relationship to develop in a positive way, with my son growing to trust my fiance, and eventually love him, he had to allow me to be the disciplinarian. My bond with my son was so deep that my discipline was not going to affect that, or his sense of worth or place in my life. I could see in those first few incidents where my fiance attempted to discipline my son that he was breaking down what was developing, not building it up. I expect my son to respect my fiance, but any discipline required had to be carried out by me. The only circumstance under which my fiance was to discipline my son was if I wasn't immediately present to address it, which was rare. And naturally, it was ok for him to respond to situations where my son might have put himself in danger by doing something he wasn't supposed to do. That only makes sense.

My feeling was that my son needed to learn that he could trust my fiance before he could accept discipline from him in a healthy way. I have seen so, so many step families struggle to keep it together, and I feel a part of the reason why, is that adults are introduced into these children's lives, and the kids are immediately expected to accept them as a parent, when there is no history or bond with that adult to give them that status. It creates resentment and mistrust right from the get-go. It sets up the step-parent and the step-child for failure because they are expected to act like parent and child, when they are not!

For me, it was extremely important to have as little change for my son as possible in the short term, when my fiance moved in. Obviously, that in and of itself was a huge change for both of us, but most certainly for my son who not only had to share his space, but most importantly, had to share me. So I felt compelled to introduce other changes as gradually as possible. And discipline was a part of that. To me, it seemed most important that I allowed them to develop a trusting relationship first, before complicating things by introducing discipline into the mix. And relationships don't develop overnight. It has been about a year now, and we are just getting to the point where my fiance can make small corrections to my son, or redirect him if he's off track with his behavior. And my son is getting to the point where discipline from my fiance is not as upsetting to him, which I attribute to the fact that they have developed somewhat of a bond at this point. My son shows signs that he trusts my fiance. He will lay with him on the couch and snuggle to watch tv (which is only something he does with people he's very comfortable with). He will ask for him to do things with him, sometimes preferring my fiance to me, which also shows me that he is trusting and bonding with him.

This was tough for my fiance at first, because it didn't feel natural to him. And like other posters suggested, he felt that if he didn't come in and establish himself as a "boss" in the house, that my son wouldn't respect him. But after a year, it is quite the contrary. My son adores and respects him, and I truly believe that because he allowed my son to ease into the role of being a "step son," the transition has been much smoother.

I know this really doesn't solve your issue, but I hope it at least added a little insight and perspective into your situation from your bf's side. It's tough to be the bio parent because you want so much to protect your child. I mean, it's unexplainable how defensive you can be when it comes to your child. And I mean no disrepsect by this, but I don't think you can understand the depth of that protectiveness until you have a child. My fiance doesn't have any bio children, and I anxiously await the time that he has his own, because I think then, he'll really understand why I am the way I am with my son.

Sorry to ramble on, but this is a subject close to my heart. I am so worried that my son and his soon to be step father won't have a good relationship because step relations are notoriously bad. But I really think we are off to a wonderful start. Best wishes to you. I know it can be really hard.

Actually, I respectfully disagree with some of the previous posters. I do not think that Daddy's girlfriend should ever be a disciplinarian. This child has a mother and a father to keep her in line, and the role of "cool aunt" sounds like a perfect way to describe your place in her life, at least at present. Her father needs to step up and deal with it - it isn't your job.

However, I think you need to sit down and have a long talk with your boyfriend about what role "cool aunt" actually plays. "Cool aunt" shouldn't be able to discipline, per se, but certainly has the right to demand respect as an authority figure. The line you cannot say, "Well I appreciate the I'm sorry, but what would make me really happy is if you try to work it out with words next time," sounds like a great response. It is especially true if the tantrum was directed at you or something you did. It is not discipline! You are not putting the child in time-out, interrupting the tantrum that Dad is handling, or yelling or scolding. You are simply an adult explaining to a child the appropriate way to handle certain feelings.

Sit down with your boyfriend when you're calm and talk to him about what you have written here. Explain the fine line he is asking you to walk as authority-figure-not-parent. Ask what is wrong with certain statements, and consider what he says. And then think really hard about whether you are ready to take on this ready-made family in which, for better or for worse, you will always be the second parent (as any step-parent is). Don't be afraid to admit to yourself that it isn't the lifestyle for you if that's the case. Not everyone is cut out to take on someone else's family - only you know if it's for you. I wish you the best of luck.

EDIT: I wanted to add that violence against your person should NEVER be tolerated. Your boyfriend needs to deal with it, or you deal with it yourself. Every person, child or adult, has the right to defend themselves. If the girl is hitting you, attacking you, or whatever, remove yourself from the situation and tell your boyfriend that if he doesn't deal with it next time, you will. Then do it.

Hi,

In order for your relationship with your boyfriend to work out long term, you both need to come to a resolution with this. Even though you are not her parent, you still need to be a respected adult and she needs to have clear and consistent boundaries from both of you. It is unrealistic for your boyfriend to think that you should play the "cool aunt" and not have any role in discipline!. Get together with your boyfriend and talk about what is ok and what is not ok with his daughter. Set up a plan for you so when the child throws a tantrum, you can say--- ________that behavior is not ok. I need you to go to your room and take a break. When you are calm and want to talk about it, you can come out. Good luck to you and I hope this helps!!!

Being a step-mom and seeing all the stuff that goes on with other blended families I would say that each situation is TOTALLY unique, and that there is no "one size fits all" when it comes to blended families. Some step-parents step back. Others step forward because they are needed. It's all depending on the relationships, ages, needs etc.

The role of "cool aunt" sounds perfect for you since you aren't married. However, an aunt is still an authority figure, and his daughter needs to respect you as such. While you should not discipline his daughter, he should also NEVER put you in a situation where you would have to. You should never be alone with his daughter, he should always be available as the parent.

It sounds to me less like a step-parent issue and more like a daddy-daughter issue. They haven't figured out how to act with each other, she's acting up and he's letting it happen or not solving the issue.

I would think long and heavy about whether this is how you want the rest of your life to be. It doesn't look like she's getting better. Blended families are an extra stress so your relationship and love had better be strong to endure it!

HUGS

Why can't you say "well I appreciate the I'm sorry, but what would make me really happy is if you try to work it out with words next time"?

That sounds like the perfect thing to say.

I agree that you should not "discipline" her, but you are a human being in her presence, and fellow human beings have a right to comment on her behavior to her if she's being bratty. That's a natural consequence of being a brat. People will comment. Personally, I think the above is the PERFECT response. I can't imagine why your boyfriend would have a problem with that.

And good for her for apologizing. That's a good sign.

By the way, you may want to use this time to decide if you really want to be a step-mom...

My daughter recently ended a relationship with her friend who had a daughter that was 11. Father had the daughter most of the time even when it was time for mom to have weekends (mom had other issues) and they could not plan days or date time. She finally decided after three long years to end it as it was not going anywhere. Please do think about this relationship very carefully. What do YOU want in a man and relationship? There are other men out there without children. Life is too short to deal with problems that you did not create and cannot solve. You stated that you get emotionally upset and your stomach bothers you. Take that as a warning that this is not going to work. Good luck to you in the future on whatever you do decide. The other S.

Well I think it is time to decide how much you really love your boyfriend. If this isn't something you can deal with, then you may need to take a break and decide that or end the relationship. He obviously has it worked out in his mind how he wants to raise his daughter. Kudos to him for being such a wonderful father that he has almost full custody of his little girl! He is obviously putting her first, as he should. It sounds to me like he values your opinion regarding this most important aspect of his life (his daughter) very little. Therefore, it sounds to me like you will not becoming her step mother anytime soon which just makes you her father's girlfriend. Unless he leaves you alone with her to babysit (in which case he should trust you to discipline her in his absence) then you just need to let him make those decisions. If the time comes and he proposes, then you really need to voice your frustration to him about not getting to help with raising her and disciplining her. Good luck!

The first thing to remember when you get anygry with her is that she is 4. I don't mean to state the obvious and offend you, but kids do things for attention. Sometimes negative attention seeking becomes habit. The trick is to try and show her how to seek positive attention. I am not sure being the "cool aunt" will help you do that, but you should try! Encourage her to behave, and if you see a fit brewing, try and intercede. Sometimes it's pretty easy to distract little ones with something else that interests them. This is also a good time to start having her verbalize her feelings, such as saying "Why are you so angry? What happened? What can we do to help you?", etc. Maybe she feels ignored or is jealous of you. Show her that you know she is a good girl, include her in things, offer to paint her nails together, just show her you care about her! Being angry and showing her that you are angry is simply reinforcing her "game". I am not saying to act indifferent, but 2 wrongs will not make a right! If you need to walk away, walk away.
If a tantrum is because she was told no for something she wanted, offer an alternative that is agreeable to both of you. If she doesn't want it, she needs to go to a safe place for a time out. If she is destroying property, she will need to lose her things until she is ready to take good care of them. Your boyfriend needs to let you in a little more, even cool aunts should be able to tell a kid when they are not acting right!
Most importantly, try your best to remember that she is looking for something when she behaves this way, and it may be something as simple as a hug. Active listening is really important, and maybe she is feeling like acting out is the only way to be heard.
Also sounds like her mother and father need to get on the same page about her discipline. I know I just said little ones are easliy distracted, but they are smart little buggers too! :) They know how to play sides, and they know which parents will let them get away with what. It sounds like it's time for your BF to borrow some of your fiestiness and take away a princess or 2 after one of these fits! Be consistent, listen, and make sure she knows you love her with no strings, no matter what she does. Always accept her apology, and it's OK to tell her you love her but you wish you 2 could've talked about it before the fit. Good luck!

If it were me I would move out and take some time to carefully consider this relationship and whether it should continue.

It is a MAJOR adjustment for children (especially that young) to transition between parents - much less adjust to new people in their parents' lives/homes (even when the significant others have been around for awhile).

Do you really want this for your future? Do you want to have children of your own? If you did have kids do you want to always deal with being "second" to that first child (which happens because the bio parent carries alot of guilt so they over-compensate)?

I don't think there is a good way to answer your question because the issues you describe are symptoms of a much deeper problem.

Good luck - that's a tough place to be. But however tough it is for you, it is 1000-fold harder for that little girl.

You'll never have a relationship that will last if you are not allowed to co-parent with him. If he doesn't trust you to do your best with his (THE) child of the household, then he doesn't see you as a loving and capable individual. He sees you as an outsider and he sees you as having nothing to do with HIS child. I see nothing but a future of His money, Your money, His things, Your things, and if you had a child by this man, then he would be pitting Your child together against his child because he wouldn't trust you to treat your child and the step child equally. Your relationship lacks trust and maturity. It's not possible to be in a room or a house with a brawling person, child or adult, and not be allowed to express yourself or react to the situation. You are setting yourself up for a huge fall and I think you should leave immediately. You have put the cart before the horse and are making a family where no family exists.

I think this is a very typical question between parents (married or not, together or not) - how to co-parent. But I do feel like kids bond with caregivers who take care of them in all aspects (love and discipline as well as daily tasks such as bathing, getting dressed, preparing food). That's not just how I feel, it's proven. So, if you want a better relationship with the daughter, and you're a long-term fixture in her life, you and he need to start acting like it. Just because you act like a "mother" or caregiver, doesn't mean you're replacing her own mother.
She could be acting out because she's confused by what your role is. I know it's easier for you not to get involved because of your different parenting styles, but if you plan to have kids with him, you're going to deal with that sooner or later, so why not deal with it sooner so this daughter can have the benefit of it?

You aren't the "cool aunt" and should not have to play one!

This is a major issue that you need to discuss with your boyfriend, especially if you intend to have children together. You need to have a frank discussion about your parenting styles and your role. If you are going to be her stepmother at some point and will have a role in her daily life, then you should be functioning that way now.

This is tricky...are you planning on getting married? If you are I think that you need to ask him if/when you get married, what will your role be then? It's going to be really hard to all of a sudden transition from "cool aunt" to authority figure. I do agree that you shouldn't necessarily be in a primary position of discipline since you aren't married, but you do live together and therefore she does see you as sort of a parent type figure. I really think you need to sit down with your BF and explain to him how you feel and what he expects your role to be in the future.

In the meantime, when she apologizes, just take it a bit further and say that you're glad she apologized but what can she do differently next time. Maybe even practice with her. Kids that age LOVE to show you the wrong way to do something. If you make some role play games then you're sort of being both the cool aunt and the authority figure by showing her what's right and wrong. Good luck!

If you are together and living together and planning on it being long term, this child needs to learn to respect you as a guardian adult in her life. If you are going to be caring for this child, you must have all the tools you need, and your BF should allow you to correct bad behavior as well as praise the good. I think you and your BF need to have a serious talk about all this.

L.,

I'm not sure I get all this,.... it sounds strange that the BF doesn't want you to intervene (doesn't apprear he does either) and even speak to the child about it. As a RESPONSIBLE ADULT ,in my opinion, you should be able to have some input and reinforce good behavior. You don't have to be her mom /step mom . She should get this from any/all adults in her life, so that she gets the picture ,it is not acceptable behavior.
It also sounds to me like you and her father don't agree on a lot of things,regardless of your personalities. What if you were her step mom down the road ? Is he gonna change his perspective on things where you are concerned, and teach the child that you opinions/ideas are not to be respected? And he really should be open to listening, (hope you both aren't trying to talk abt this in front of the child) even if he doesn't agree with you. Obviously what he is or isn't doing, isn't working, he needs to get a clue. And he should take the time, laid back or not, to be a parent and ask the child what is bothering her. Does she miss her mother,...?
Forgive me for saying so, but, your future woth this man doesn't appear long lasting or bright if he already has this kind of attitude about you and his child. Best of Luck, C. S.

Oh, I really disagree with your boyfriend's opinion on the role in her life. No, you are not her mom, and you shouldn't try to be (unless you do marry him one day and become a step mother), but if you are in a committed relationship with her father who has her the majority of the time, you should be regarded as an authority figure, and she's old enough to understand your relationship to an extent.

My first question reading your message is if this is an indication of how things will be in the future if your relationship becomes more serious?

We went on vacation with some friends recently whose kids were expected to act much differently than we expect from ours. It wasn't my place to discipline then, but as the week went on, the tantrums, disrespect, etc. became a lot harder to take without addressing them.

If he doesn't get a grip on her behavior soon, it's going to be a lot harder to manage and control as she gets older and more independent. Will you be able to sit back and accept that? He is the father, and it's his prerogative to parent as he sees fit. But, to ask you to not be involved and to just take it is a little unrealistic (in my opinion).

Our son is 4 and has fits. All kids do - none are perfect. We had the discussion last night about who was boss. He thought he was. In the end, he realized he could be the boss of his stuffed animals, and Mom and Dad reign supreme (we thought it was a good compromise). But, he understands that teachers, friends' parents, adults, in general are authority figures, and he needs to treat them accordingly.

I wish I had better advice. I just hope you get it worked out soon because she'll need consistency in her life on both her Mom's and Dad's sides. It sounds like your approach to discipline could be a positive influence, and I hope her father recognizes that.

Good luck!