4 Year Old Wants to Know Where Mommy Is...

Be honest that they died. Kids can understand death. Tell them that their bodies died, but their souls live on (ask a librarian to help you with some books--there are some truly excellent preschooler books on death). Explain that sometimes a person's body gets so broken that it can't be fixed (you can use an example of a toy that got broken and that couldn't be fixed maybe).

"Uncle daddy" - that's what my husband's sister's children called him when she & the nieces & nephews were living with us. That was not a permanent arrangement (just long-term) and their father was alive.

If this is a permanent arrangement, just tell them. Tell them how love lasts forever. They now have a new Mommy and Daddy. That does NOT replace their first Mommy and Daddy. We've been through this. Kids need Mommy and Daddy. Maybe have them call you Mom and Dad. Trust me - you can keep the memory of their first parents alive and cherished even while they have a new Mommy and Daddy.

Even to an adult daughter, it can be so important to have "Mommy" in her life - YOU.

And here is yet another caution - about making those angels too angelic (speaking from experience). The kids can never live up to the perfect idealized image we give them of their deceased bio-parents. They should not have to live up to something "perfect." They were real human beings.

First, I am so sorry for your loss and applaud you taking on the care of three children. They are incredibly lucky.

Second, if you're not religious, don't "blame" it on God- just my thought.

I would be simple, but honest.

"Jack, your mommy and daddy died in a car accident because someone wasn't paying attention while they were driving (or a short version of whatever happened). They didn't do anything wrong and they loved you very very much. I am so lucky that they trusted me to take care of you."

Don't use metaphors, he's too young. Answer each question as it comes up using very true and literal terms. Remember, the car didn't cause the accident (unless is was faulty)- the driver did.

If you are really struggling with this one, schedule an appointment with a children's therapist and get some specific suggestions!

Wow your story is incredible...and you sound amazing. I would approach this with him with a book that deals with this topic in a specific focus towards a child's perspective. I have a 4 year old boy and he relates best to a new idea or topic by making an association to something we've read or experienced together. It gives him a frame of mind and even a visual to help him understand or relate. One example is when his little sister was just starting to crawl and get into his things and he was working through his frustration...at first he was pretty rough with her when he'd snatch his toy back or push her out of the way. We compared how the character Andy in Toy Story treated his little sister Molly vs. how Sid (the mean neighbor kid) treated his sister. My son decided he definitely wanted to be like Andy, not Sid, and that was the stepping stone that ultimately defined his behavior in this situation (not perfection today but pretty darn close...he's awesome with her).

I did a search and found a few titles on the subject with great reviews...you can get all of them on amazon.com. Good luck, I'm so sad for your babies but so happy that they have you and your husband to take such great care of them!

1)Helping Children Cope with the Death of a Parent: A Guide for the First Year
2) Children and Grief: When a Parent Dies
3) After Charlotte's Mom Died
4) Tear Soup

Being honest is always best in these situations. If you try to downplay it now then change your story when he gets older that could also cause some issues. I'd be honest that they died in a car accident and then let him take the lead from there.

Is his question "where are my parents because everyone else has a mom and dad" or is his question "why is my family different?"

My cousin was 3 when his father died in an accident. When my aunt told him daddy was in Heaven, my cousin picked up his toy phone and asked to call. He thought Heaven was a place you could come back from.

I would google for ideas on how to deal with death and loss with children. The older kids' school counselor might also be a good resource.

I would also try to figure out what he's really asking. My daughter asks where her brother and sister are and she doesn't need/want the the whole "well, Daddy was married before..." story. She's happy with "Brother and Sister are at their momma's house."

I also think that "I don't know" is an acceptable answer sometimes. You don't know. It's the truth. Things happen that we just don't know the why for.

I wouldn't tell him that God needed them. I would tell him that God has plans for all of us. It's hard for us to see why someone goes to heaven when they do. God has a plan, we just can't see it. I don't know if you would want to elaborate along the lines of how his life is different now. For example, you have the joy of caring for him, which you wouldn't have had. He may say he wants mommy & daddy. I would agree with him, but you love caring for him. I expect this will be an ongoing theme for him as he grows and can think about it in different ways. Don't be afraid to ask why he is asking a particular question or why he thinks something is ... Sometimes we make assumptions we know what they are asking and we are wrong. These kids are so lucky to have you!

I agree with Krista P's explanation. Honest and staright forward. But since your nephew is so literal, my son is too, it couldn;t hurt for you to make an appt with a child therapist for yourself, explaining your need to tell him and get their advice. He doesn't nessasarily need to go to counseling, unless his reaction is not healthy for him. He already knows they have passed away, which I think is the hardest part to deliver, now it's just the "how". Best of luck to you, you are an amazing Aunt Mom.

A good book that deals with death of a loved one that would be age appropriate is called "Chester Raccoon and the acorn full of memories". You can get it at most bookstores. If you have heard of The Kissing Hand you will recognize the book, as it comes from the same author and has the same main characters.
It explains, in simple terms, about death and also how to make memories of the lost loved ones. Maybe as a way of helping healing, your nephew could help choose photos of his parents and make a memory book for him to cherish.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your sister and brother in law in such a tragic way. And, I'm so glad you can be there to lovingly raise their kids.
Don't worry about getting funny looks at the grocery store. Families come in many shapes and sizes and I don't think people think as much of it as you think they do. My kids friends called me mom when we were in stores and the people working there actually KNEW their mothers. It's no biggie.

That said, I think you should be getting help for the kids with a therapist. Especially if you are unsure about how to explain things. Someone can help you with that in ways that kids can handle at their specific ages. As they grow, there will be more questions and maybe even periods of grief as they understand their parents are never coming back or they find that they can't remember them as they wish they could, etc.
I say this because my aunt and uncle were killed in a plane crash and left my 3 cousins behind. We were little kids.
There are no easy explanations.
If you have questions about what to say, ask someone who deals with this type of thing. I know from experience, kids in this situation can seem happy and adjusted and then things well up. Take them for emotional check ups once in a while. Get professional advice on what to say.

Those kids are so lucky to have you and your love.
I wish you the very best.

I would be honest. Say that Mommy and Daddy died in a car accident. I would follow that up with, it wasn't their fault (hopefully not anyways) and they really didn't know what was coming - but you are sure they keep their eyes on you and your sisters to make sure you are all safe and taken care of.

If you let him know it happened because of a bad driver or something along those lines... why would he fear cars?

Honesty is best and usually this is the age where questions on death and dying become common.

Explain it the same as you did to the older ones when you told them. Tell him that mommy and daddy were so special that they had to go to heaven and help God. He may get "mad at God" but when he is older he will understand. I bet most of us have felt that way when we've lost a loved one, kids are no different.

tell him mommy is with him he just cant see her that if he stops and listens he will feel her. tell him sometimes mommys have to go away and cant come back. tell him when it rains that is mommy crying cause she misses him. tell him other kids live with step mommies or daddies and they do the same thing. tell him sometimes kids got new mommies and daddies by being adopted and they dont see their mommies either. but god gave them a new person to love and hold to be with them when mommy cant.

I think you are rightnot telling him god needed them I think you are right about him getting angry with god.I also think you are right not telling him the cars took them for the fear of being killed by cars. you might need to get him acounselor who knows how to deal with this and knows how to word it to kids his age and do it without provicking anger or fear. thismay be out of your control to explain appropriately. and if he is in counseling whenhe gets made the counselor will know how to deal with it and know what to expect next. I suggest counseling there is only so much you can do without an eduction on the subject

have you considered just telling him the truth? You don't need to go into all kinds of details, and it may help (you do not say how old the girls are) to ask the girls to help you explain it to him. I believe that as awful as the truth may be, it is likely less horrible than the ideas percolating in his little brain - children suffer from this thing called magical thinking, and for all you know he has come up with the idea that HE is somehow the reason. You might also consider speaking with a counselor or social worker about how to approach this. You might establish a relationship with a SW or counselor. Once that is done, explain to your nephew what happened, and then let SW or counselor determine if your nephew is experiencing any negative effects as a result of the knowledge.

Wow reading this brought me to tears b/c it is so close to home. Although I am not an orphan ( I have a great mom). When I was 4 year old my father died of lung cancer. I was able to be with him as he passed and I remember the evening even though I was so young. I am not sure exactly what you should tell him but it should be as close to the truth as you can handle. My mom was always honest with me and my sister and although things were tough we grew up to be well adjusted. If it is possible and they have a grave site it might be helpful for him to go to their resting place. Also to just talk about life and death in general and that everyone will die someday. I know this is a little scary for young kids but I don't remember being traumatized by the truth. At 4 years old I remember the conversations that I had about my father but I didn't really understand them I know that my mom had to repeat things to me many times over the years. I am sure that as he gets older your nephew will have more question and you can add things as he is able to handle them. I wish you both the best of luck.

As an update I just remembered that at many times over my childhood I got angry when I saw other kids playing with their daddies. Not that the anger consumed me but there was definitely jealousy there and I think that is natural. Even now when I see girls with their daddies it hurts a little. I don't think that ever goes away. I think you could include in your conversations that his feelings are natural and the best thing he could do is to talk about them instead of bottling them up.

YOu have gotten some really good advice.
I just wanted to say what a lovely AuntMom you are for taking in the kids and giving them such a loving home. You are an angel too. I dont' have any good advice. You have my condolences and admiration.

.

I know it's hard to tell a little kid about things in life that are scary but yet can happen. Sometimes it's the only way for them to understand. I would go with what you had in mind first. Tell him that "God needed them in heaven". It was there time to go,or how ever you want to word it.

I would also try taking him to there grave from time to time. Let him put flowers down for them. Let him talk to them at the grave. Tell him you can't hear them but they can hear you. This may help him. So that he can visit them some how. This will also help him with knowing that graveyards are not scary.

I would try to save the car accident for a last result. I wouldn't tell him the car accidentally killed them. Explain that sometimes accidents happen and it wasn't the car its-self that killed them so he doesn't become scared of cars.

Hit the library, find a counselor, etc. to help YOU deal cause this is such a sensitive subject. I would think some very basic honesty, but not really sure about what details would work best. Some professional input might be helpful for you. You are AWESOME AuntMOM!