4 Year Old I Don't Understand

Hi L.,

My kids went through 4-yr old problems, fit-throwing and weirding out on me as well. A friend advised me that hers did that at age 4 also. Time-outs worked very well for us. There were not allowed to scream. If they screamed, a time-out followed. After the timeout, they were allowed to calmly tell me what they were upset about.

As far as whining, when my kids whine they NEVER get what they are asking for. But I do allow do-overs. So if they whine I simply say "No, because you asked in a whiney voice." Then they ask in regular voice and I say yes if applicable or no and say why not. If they get what they want when they whine or scream, they will only continue those behaviors. So its very important to NOT give in to them. Its hard, but this really works!

Hope this helps.

A. S.

A little boy that I babysit for whines and throws fits also. I talk with him over and over again about using his words when he is upset. I try not to raise my voice when he acts that way and when I watched him over the summer I told him that if he threw a fit or whined, instead of using his words, he was to sit in time out until he was ready to use his words. This seemed to work pretty well. Right now I only watch him after school, so if he he throws a fit now, he knows that he will get the privilege of video games taken away.
I would suggest the time out so that you can have peace of mind and be able to walk away and definitely find some privilege to take away just temporarily. Then when he does respond positively, find a way to praise him or give an extra privilege.
Best of luck to you!

Father, I don't have the right advice to give L.. I lift her up to you. I can imagine it is really frustrating to love some one so much and be so unable to grasp their behavior. I have children and I get to the end of my rope over issues too. Father would you calm Zander. Be real to him. Give him clarity of thought and a heart willing to be taught. Give L. the words and wisdom to work with him in the times that are trying. Grow their love for each other so much that Zander can see his that his mother's heart is for him and in his best interest. Give L. patience until he reaches that place. In your son's name- Amen

I work with autistic children and this seems to work in their program. Tell him very firmly; " When your not crying and you can use your calm voice to tell me what you want, I will listen"

Then walk away and do NOT look at him or acknowledge him in any way until he comes to you. This can really wear on you at first, but It WORKS!!!!!

AHH! I'm so gl;ad you asked! My 4 year old daughter is doing this too & it's driving me nutty. She was such a calm kid before!

D.

My almost 3 year old son thinks if he throws a big enough fit that he will get what he wants or not do what he doesn't. I am currently trying to get him to learn that doing this will not get him what he wants. I am not giving his fits any attention other than telling him that this isn't how you get what you want. Once he notices I am ignoring his fit throwing he quickly quits. With in a few minutes after he has stopped his fit he forgets what it was about and moves on to something else.

Go to www.loveandlogic.com. Watch the videos on the link. Laughter sometimes is the best medicine. Four year olds are there to test your character.

I have a 3 year old and she is exactly the same. I thought it was going to get better but I guess 4 will be the same too :( Time out helps to get a little peace from it but I also call in the heavy hitter sometimes--PaPa (my dad). My daughter thinks the sun rises and sets on my dad so she doesn't want to disappoint him. If she acts out in school and I've talked to her about it before, I give him a call and I give her the phone. She has to tell him what she's done. It isn't a cure-all but it does get a little "act-right" out of her for a while. For me, it takes a village and sometimes you have to get help from others. If you aren't very close to family members, try a close friend of yours that your child really likes or a teacher at school/daycare that your child is close to (but not their own teacher--your kids spend a lot of time with them anyway and the effect won't be as great). Good luck!

I know what your going through! My daughter Lily did that (she's 5 now...)The best thing to do is calmly say...I'm sorry, I don't understand your words. When your ready to tell me with big boy words I will be here. And if it gets too mush for you ask him to go to his room until he's ready to talk. If he still doesn't go. Pick him him up and put him in his room without saying a word. At firt you may have to put him in his room serveral times...but do it calmly and don't talk while your carring him. It's REALLY hard to be calm and keep doing it...but it will work. My twins are about to be 4 and have just started it as well! I just want to scream! but the best thing to do is say what you need to then walk away!
Good luck!

My daughter who's 3 (will be 4 in May) has phases like this. It's often because something is stressing her or frustrating her and she doesn't know what to do about it, so just acts out or cries a lot. It often happens when she's coming down with an illness, or when she's seen something troublesome on TV or a DVD, or misunderstood an adult conversation. One time I was talking to a friend about home improvements, etc. and said something like "I think this will help with resale value for whenever we move." Of course, moving is probably 5 years down the road, but she heard me say that and spent 2 weeks waking at night and crying and acting strange. She thought we were going to leave our house and all of her things would be left behind forever.
I'd say take some time to sit down and talk with him. Go on a "mommy date" or just cuddle up with him in a favorite chair. Ask him what makes him sad and see what he says.

L.,
I got an e mail w/ your message in it and thought I might have a helpful suggestion for you...
You might want to read "Sleepless in America" by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. My daughter is only 9mo old, so I am not in your same situation but was reading the book b/c of some nap time issues however, in this book, she is constantly talking about kids throwing temper tantrums, being whiny, having melt downs over the slightest things, etc. all b/c of lack of sleep. Crazy as it sounds, it actually makes sense when you read it. Most of the parents in the classes she talks about in the book were skeptical b/c they didn't see what sleep deprivation had to do with behavior problems but her suggestions did help. Anyway, I am sorry that you and your family are having such a rough time right now, but encourage you to at least check out the book. It may not be the problem, but it is often the most overlooked problem.
Good luck,
K.

Advice I received at a parenting class many years ago. Any fits, such as your child throwing himself on the floor, you immediately leave the room and ignore him. Time outs actually work for bad behavior. Just remember that it doesn't take a long time (1 minute for each year, so for your son 4 minutes will do) but it takes consistency. (I used the timer on the stove). It is hard work for the first few days, but if you are consistent, your problem will improve dramatically after that. Hope this was helpful.

I think its juat a 4yr old thing. My daughter is exactly that way too. A lot of it I think has to do with that they now realize they can have feelings about things but still dont know just how to control them w/ out being over the top. Ive heard at age 5 its a little better. I have a whole year until shes 5. Good Luck and Im def. going to read the responses that you get for some help.

I know that it has been close to a month since you posted this and I hope your little one is doing great. I have a 5 year old boy who went through fits like that and still does but this time just a little louder. I remember I will tell my little boy that mom does not understand whining but I do understand him when he talks to me in a normal tone and then I would turn away from him. It did not take him long to realize ok I guess I need to talk to mom and stop the whining and crying. Don't get me wrong he still has his momeents but when I warn him that if he did not stop that he would be sent to bed or something was going to be taken away that it was his fault for not listening to me. It took a couple of times for him to understand that and I still ask him whos fauld it was and he will say it was mine mom because I did not listen. He has his moments where he will say I know it was my fault and don't really care but most of the time it works. Sorry if I drifted off the course a little bit but I wanted to let you know the way I try to do it and maybe it will help you.

L.,
First of all kids go through changes like everyone. Have you changed his diet at all? anything at pre-school? naps? anything bothering him, cold? ears!! Im past the 4yr old stage and my son was a crazy boy, sometimes its age, its the only way they can tell you something is bothering them. Try the calm approch, sit and talk with him, ask if anything is bothering him? Tell him we don't allow that behavior and be consistant. Its not easy but you have to keep at it. My 9 year old still has emmotional times but you just have to let him know you are aware and there for him. Most of all check his diet and what he's watching on tv, kids pick up allot that you wouldn't think they would.
Good Luck

My son is almost 4 and we are struggling with the same thing. His adenoids were blocking 90% of his nasal passages when he would try to sleep, so we had them removed 2 weeks ago and have seen some improvement in his behavior becasue he is more rested, especially in the mornings. I guess what I am getting at is: does your son have any interruptions in his sleep? My doctor recommends no artificial light while trying to sleep. A tree limb scratching the window, or pets can interrupt a sleep cycle.
It sounds like this behavior problem is pretty common. I have recently just been trying to contain, not control, his fits. We stoped eating out so much and stopped taking the kids to the grocery store (I go while they are asleep or in MDO). If for some reason we are in a public place and he throws a fit, I drop everything I am doing and head straight to the car. I can't count how many times I have lost my spot in line over this! We sit in the car until the fit calms down. Sometimes this takes up to 30 min or longer. I offer nothing but a sippy cup (fits can be exhausing). I don't debate, reason, or converse at all during his fit becasue he is completely unreasonable at that point. It is hard becasue baby sister is 21 months and likes to chime in, so sometime I have two of them going at the same time. I do tell my son that even mommy has to obey so he doesn't feel like he is the only one with restrictions. Traffic lights are an example. I tell my son that if Mommy doesn't obey the traffic light, then it can hurt people becasue we might get into a car crash.
One last thing.... I really hate giving my kids medicine, but if my child has a fit that results is extreme redness of the face, puffy eyes, and sweating, I do offer Advil on occasion because I know if I am really upset about something and cry a lot I ALWAYS have a headache afterward.
Anyways, I don't really have an answer. I wish I did!
God bless! Liz

my 3-1/2 yr old does this also. i've been trying to give her more cuddle time, quality time is something very important to her. BUT, i do not put up with tantrums! if she starts to throw one because i told her to do something or it's time to go to bed ect.... then i put her in the crib and tell her when she gets some self control and calms down i'll be back in to talk to her. i leave the room while she has her melt down and when she's calm i come back in take her out, cuddle and talk to her about why she was in time out-dissobedience,taking toys away from sis, ect... i've noticed the isolation thing really gives her a wake-up call.
just my two cents. hope this helps!!! God bless!!!

I also have three kids, boys 7 and 4 and a girl 7 months. I know exactly what you are going through! My 4 year old is the same way! When he gets bad, I just take him in his room and tell him he can come out when he's done throwing a fit! He likes to come out of the room to yell at me or make me see his acting out, so I usually sit by the door so he can't come out until he stops trying to open it. When he is done screaming, crying or whatever, I try to talk to him about it telling him that that's not how we get what we want, etc. I just have to be sure that he doesn't ever get what he wants that way so that I don't send mixed signals. It hasn't eliminated his fits, but it gets me through them one at a time. Being a single mom, that's all that I can ask for. I wish you all the luck in the world! Just try to keep your sanity!

I think you should take him to see your doctor and rule out any type of infections. Our grandson can act very irritable at times but not appear sickly with a fever or etc but have learned now that he is coming down with something or has an ear infection. They can be sick without a fever. I just think this is best before you decide on any type of other methods. Then you know.

all i can say is, ignore any whining. Otherwise, any bit of attention will only increase his behavior. I'm sure you already knew that, but just make it a point to share with him that you will NOT speak to him or read a book to him (etc) until he calms down and speaks up like you know that he can. Whenever he's acting good, make sure you give him lots of positive attention :)

I have a 4 yr old daughter. She does the exact same thing. You have to get to the point where you ignore him and he will stop throwing the fits. I know it's hard because I can't stand it when my daughter screams. I have even gone as far as to take away all her toys except for 5. She would not clean them up so I just took them all away. She getting better about throwing fits but it is a constant battle. Plus I have a 6 month old who loves to laugh at her when she is throwing her fits. My oldest doesn't like being laughed at so she stops. Also sometimes you just have to laugh at them to. Because if you don't you might just go crazy.