4 Year Old Boy, Dresses and a Husband .

Hi K.!

I have an 18 month old boy who loves putting on high heeled shoes and mary janes and ties pink scarves around his head. My husband shakes his head every time he does something like that and I giggle about it.

I always try to remember not to say something to my son that may damage his self esteem in the future. I know it is a phase and I don't read into it at all but what if he really did want to be a cross dresser when he grows up? I would still love him just as much. So for now, I just tell him that he can buy the mary janes when he gets a job but while I'm paying for shoes, he's not getting those.

The only advice I have to tell your husband is to try to remind him that those lectures may be making your son feel bad about himself and to be careful about that.

Good luck!
L.

Hi K., I have 2 boys and went through this with both. As you know this is completely natural behavior but dads seem to find it difficult to deal with. I told my husband that the bigger deal he made out of it, the more our sons would want to carry the purse or dress like the princess to get the reaction. Seemed to work both times - husband backed off and the boys grew out of it.

Hope that helps!
K.

Your husband sounds uninformed about child development and that at your son's age, pretend play is a huge developmental stage. Studies show that kids w/ a healthy imagination are ahead socially, emotionally and other ways. See these references, maybe your husband won't believe you, but he has to believe the experts! Good luck!!

http://content.scholastic.com/browse/article.jsp?id=10175

and

http://www.ericdigests.org/2002-2/play.htm

and

http://www.kidsource.com/kidsource/content2/nature.of.chi...

and finally

http://www.thenewhomemaker.com/raisingboysarticle

the last website is one i've just discovered, it looks pretty good but i've yet to actually traverse the site. :)

My brother - my nephew all wore my sis shoes and my nephew was here yesterday and he was using my daughter's stroller with a baby it in. Harmless - they are exploring. Even though he had a stroller and a baby he was not very gentle lol. Sraight tell your hubby GET OVER IT. Telling your son it's wrong probally means nothing to your son and makes him want to do it more. It will pass. I have pic of my 9 year old daughter dressing my son 5 up in girls clothes. They thought it was funny.

Looks like you are not alone! My son, too, has been raised with my 5 year old niece and loves to wear her princess clothes. We shared a nanny for several years and that nanny is getting married in November. My niece is going to be a flower girl and my son a ring bearor. Of course, my son has decided that he doesn't want to wear a cool tux, but instead a pretty dress like Jenna. ha ha ha! Should be interesting!

Enjoy these moments while you can!

I would tell your husband that though he has his stereotypical male matcho concerns, he also needs to be concerned about his childs self esteem. And if a person grows up to be transgendered or gay or whatever, yelling at him for trying on a dress at 4 yrs of age wouldn't stop that. Sorry, not so subtle.Good luck

It sounds like he is doing this over at the little girl's house. That is what she has to play with and that is all they are doing. What does your husband say when the girl comes over to your house and plays with "boy" toys?

This is a really common thing, I'm learning. Not just the boys but the husbands who can't deal with it. My nephew loved pretty, sparkly things and his dad was not understanding.

My own almost-4 boy loves pink, and we've been able to indulge that with boy tshirts and so on (the Gap had pink tshirts with navy trim in their boy section - go Gap!) I mean, why the hell not, it's a pretty color. Last week he said he wanted to be a princess for Halloween and I said, "well, ok, but you should know that people might think you're a girl," and he said, "oh, no, I'm going to be a boy princess." So, no gender confusion there, just an interest in pretty things. Luckily my husband has no concerns about it. (I think we will probably steer him to another choice, but just because I don't think he's dead set on it. If he was - like a friend of mine's 3yo boy was a few years ago - why the heck not. Our female neighbor was Spiderman last year, so why not.)

If it would help your husband to read that other kids do the same thing, I'm sure you'll see more posts here and can find more information online about it.

Depending on the type of person he is, maybe you could talk about it in terms of helping your son to feel accepted and valuable in the world, and not mocking or penalizing him for his choices. If Dad really feels strongly about it, then draw the line at where the dress-up clothes can be worn or whatever. Don't make the child feel like his taste makes him a bad person.

ha! ha! Men. My husband is the very same. I don't have much advice but just to tell you I have the same with my four yr old son. And I can sympathize with you though. He's the only boy! I have three daughters. He loves to play house and be the mom!! I find it funny and cute because he copies me!! They dress him up in their clothes!! Yet he's all boy and LOVES playing cars and trucks! Then my husband "loves" that our youngest daughter got a kitchette for her birthday. Who plays with it the most?! Dallas! ha! ha!
Good luck, he'll get over it! LOL
H.

Okay, this is NOT going to be a popular response, but it will be honest! When my son was about the same age he played a lot with my niece that is 6 months older than him. She dressed him up ALL the time and it bothered ME more than my hubby.

I think there is one thing that I came to terms with...there is a lot more "dress-up" clothes for girls than boys. It was after my son threw a HUGE fit to wear a blue crushed velvet dress to pick up my nephews from school that I decided to do something about it! I asked other friends that had older kids to see if they had any old Halloween costumes that they would donate for the cause. If I were you, I would go to a used clothing store, or ask around, and maybe "Donate" some costumes to the daycare. My guess is, they don't have many dress-up clothes for boys there!

Just some further explnation...my son is now almost 7 and he LOVES to dress up in "fancy" clothes, complete with a button-up shirt & tie, and "dancing schoes," (dress shoes).

Good luck!

Ah yes. My oldest son (who is also "almost" 4) was the first boy born into my family in 32 years. I only have girl cousins and nieces. So, when we have family get togethers, its all girls and my 2 sons.

At my brother's house (and he has 2 daughters) that we go to often, there are lots of kitchen type toys, barbies, dress-up and all the things that you are describing - things that girls typically play with. My husband also cringes slightly. I had to remind him that its developmentally appropriate to play with "opposite gender" toys. Its ok to play with dolls. I hate to even say "opposite gender" because then we get into another set of issues . . .are kitchen sets REALLY girl toys? Absolutely not!!

You are right though, the more we discourage it, the more they will want to do it. After almost 4 years of our boys playing with my nieces toys, my husband has been better with it. He knows that its ok, it just doesn't sit well with him. I am 100% ok with it and my husbands issues are mostly surrounded around other family members teasing us about it. And I have told him that if he SHOWS them that it bothers him, it will make it worse.

So, let him know that its developmentally appropriate, we want to raise well rounded boys . . .well rounded men. We DON'T want our boys to believe that kitchen sets are GIRL toys!

Have a great day!
B.

Oh no! My 3 year old son also got busted playing dress up with his best girl pal. His dad of course was ridiculous and freaking out, but got over it quickly when I reminded him that at home he dresses up as Godzilla or a gorilla. The men just need to remember the kids aren't pretending to be girls or dressing up because they want to be pretty necessarily - they just want to be different from their everyday selves. When they are playing with girls it is only natural that pretend play would center on "girl" roles.

By the way, my son was a very cute princess!

Ohmygosh, what great advice below......
No need to add more, just wanted to second these excellent comments........well also, to say ALWAYS encourage creativity and imagination.
C.

I have 2 1/2 yr. old boy/girl twins and just this morning my son put on the princess dress and shoes because his sister was doing it. He calls himself the king and she is the queen. My husband doesn't like seeing his son dressed up like a little princess but he is all boy besides that. We don't tell our daughter that she can't play with the cars and the trucks, so why should we tell our son that he can't play with the princess outfits and dolls once in a while. I think it really helps them to use their imagination and explore their independence. Just a thought.....

Ok, I may not have the most politically correct answer but I'm of the school that sometimes you don't have to tell your husband EVERYTHING. I don't know about you other Mom's out there but I grew up with a mother who took me for fun and sometimes expensive shopping sprees and the deal always was....."don't tell your Dad and don't go modeling your new clothes". It wasn't that my Mom was keeping something vital from my Dad, I needed clothes and he knew that but did he need to know all the details? I think the same could apply here. Your husband is reacting as most men would and it sounds like it's really only an issue when your son is playing with his best "girlfriend". You know there's no harm in his creative play but you won't win that fight with your husband. Many men are black and white on this topic and it's pointless to argue the point. Do I think your son needs lectures from Dad on why this is wrong....no way. That's just enforcing that this is something Dad is going to give me attention for so let me annoy Dad more. My suggestion, don't show Dad the pictures, don't share with Dad his creative play using his friends dress up stuff and just let this run it's course. If that isn't an option for you maybe do some internet research and give your husband some information from well respected doctors, therapists etc. At least that way, it's not just your word and he may accept the advice from an uninvolved third party a little easier than he will from you. Just my 2 cents. Good luck!