4 1/2 Yr Old Son Becoming Very Aggressive

I was a member of a co-op preschool for 4 years and they had great ideas for conflict resolution. It is important for him to learn the impact his actions have on others. It sounds so simple but saying something like "It hurts Brians skin when you pinch him" or "look at Holly, she is crying because you pushed her" can go far in helping him to understand others. If say, he is angry because he is not being heard,saying to him "you are/were angry because so and so isn't listening to you" can let him know he is being heard.I know it can sound silly but kids act out strongly if they don't feel heard. Imagine HIS frustration. Also I always make sure to say "it is NOT okay to hurt our friends.You need to use your words", and then role play scenarios w/him where he can use his verbal rather than physical.

Can you attribute your son's behavior to any of the following?
Aggressive play with older family members/dad/neighbors
Watching violent TV shows or movies
Watching aggressive sports, football/wrestling/boxing
Playing violent video games
Attraction to violent toys/figurines

Some kids are just naturally more aggressive, some are triggered by highly active sights/sounds within their environment, from TV or movies or toys, aggressive family members etc. See if you can cut out any of the above "role models" if you think he's learning this from somewhere/someone. Discuss his frustrations with him and talk/role play appropriate solutions to problems he may be having. Let him know that there are limits to what is acceptable behavior and enforce those boundaries. Hitting, punching, kicking, biting, etc. are not allowed. Keep asking his teachers and keep asking him about situations, how he handled them and what would be some better ways to have handled them. This kind of conversation can be useful for years and years as your children grow, and can help establish and keep open the lines of communication between you. Best of luck!

I've taught pre-school for 30 years. Your son's actions are very common. I don't see it as an individual issue but rather as a societal issue. In many ways it is being communicated to our children that it's okay to do harm to others to get what you want. Your son is dealing with a very important personal value. As his mother, it's important to keep a healthy environment around him. Be aware of what he is watching on TV. Examine his toys and games to see if they promote violence. Be a positive example to him. It's a value system that will last him a lifetime so it's important to work with him now. Good luck
And I also agree that keeping your children out of pre-school isn't the answer. Sooner or later they need to learn to interact with others. The sooner the better as long as he still has your affection and attention at home.

Make sure you are talking with his provider about this problem so she can keep a closer eye on your child to end this problem while he is yound, otherwise it could escilate. S. A

Maybe you should talk to the teachers about it and find out their side of it then you and the teachers can figure out a way to make things better for him.

My son use to get very upset with other kids when they would take a toy or if they wouln't play with him. He would hit them or yell at them. When it happened I would tell my son to stop and think about what he is doing and to take a time out then go back and talk to the kids about the situation. Also explain that its not ok to hit or yell or spit or bite or throw things at other people and explain why but be brief bucause kids have a short attention span and just keep reminding him that its not ok to hurt his friends and he should stop but if it doesn't I'm sure his teachers have suggestions and you and the teachers can work together on helping him control his anger.

Hi J. my name is J. and I teach Positive learning to children, It doesn't sound like he is a bully but he is getting angry because someone isn't listening and doing what he wants and that can be a start to bullying, I think what needs to happen is give him ideas how he can solve his problems without being aggressive. If Timmy or any other child isn't listening tell before he gets mads to walk a way and find someone else to play with, if one of the children aren't playing or doing what he wants, help him to compromise. Let him know that it is ok that not everyoone is going to do or like what he does, but if it is important to him to play with the children than compromise, like ok if he wants to play ball and the others want to play tag them teach him to compromise. tell him to ask them if they play what they want to do first then next time if they can play ball with him..... and somtimes other children wont compromise and that ok let know to find another friend and ask politely of they would like to play. Help recognize his feelings when something isn't going his way and them teach hime to take 5 deep breaths to calm down. Let him know the names ofr the feelings he might have like frustration, anger, sad. He is not to young to learn these it helps prepare him for school and helps work out his feeelings and his responses. Let him know that there is a consequence for his actions whether it be a positve action or negative, Describe what a postive action is a the consequence
example, he behaves positivley and controls his anger -consequence is he gets a good report from teacher and your proud of him and the kids start to play with him more. negative action he hits a child for not doing what he wants --consequence he gets in troulbe with teacher and some of the kids might not want to play with him. Well hope this helps. note never let a child know Your Bad- are you being Bad? Always - Did you make a poor decision or choice? Did you react Negativley? hope this helps.

I have a son who will be 5 in a month. Something I started with him as early as he could understand was to use his words to tell people how he feels. It's hard for children at this age to vocalize their hurts/ feelings so often physical means of communicating become the alternative. At home if he throws a tantrum or shows signs of aggression, rather than just scolding him, I encourage him to explain what he feels. He's gotten to the point now where he can tell me he's mad and what he's mad about. The important piece to this is to acknowledge what he feels and not discredit it, even if you disagree. I've told him that its important to tell people how you feel and to know that sometimes they won't understand. I've also told him that hitting people will not change how they feel and walking away is sometimes the best thing. If this is the first year your son has been in school, he'll get it eventually. I'm sure he sees other kids reacting aggressively, so he's trying it himself.

I highly recommend this book. It has wonderful suggestions on how to communicate with your child so that they will listen as well as other applications...

Dreamers, Discoverers & Dynamos: How to help the child who is bright bored and having trouble in school.
by Lucy Jo Palladino Phd.

Good luck!

My child displayed some agression at that age when he was frustrated and/or felt agressed upon by peers. He is now 12 and a great problem solver when conflicts arise, even as he still has issues with frustration sometimes. I think you are correct that a child that young may take a while to learn to stop himself from being aggressive when he's frustrated. Think about how parents yell when they are frustrated with their children even as they know that yelling is the wrong choice. We can't seem to stop ourselves either!

I have found "expectant praise" helps children and the adults around them, remain focused on the positive while a child still has not fully mastered a behavior change. I tell my children that they will master new behaviors over time, with practice, so keep up the good practice! I praise every tiny improvement along the way as a sign of progress, predicting future, even greater success -- this makes them feel terrific. This also keeps them from feeling like they are bad people and helps them be realistic about how much practice is involved working towards mastery -- of anything really. Consequences for agressive behaviors should be provided at all times, but without judgements made. Any sign of improvement is a huge victory for a four year old that deserves recognition. Good for you, being so attuned to your child.

D

To J.,
My five year old went through the same thing. They figured out that its not that he was being a bully but that he has hard time with impulse control. Now its a daily effort to remind him nice behavior from not nice behavior. His Kindegarten teacher is great at working as a team with me and we havent had any aggressive play in months. Keep your patience and try to understand that all children are different. I have 4 total with 4 different personalitys and not everything works with every child the same. I'm sure your son will be doing less of this behavior soon.
S.

dear J., let me just say the problem is not with your son's apparent "aggressiveness". it sounds like he doesn't have a firm grasp on the "give and take" of group play. As an preschool teacher, i suggest talking to yoour son about his understanding of this. for instance, let him know that just because "Timmy" is not listening to his words that does not mean that he has the right to hit him. also talk to his teacher about what is really going on... it may not be your son causing the problems.. but above all that let me reassure you that what you are seeing is not abnormal, it is a normal, and important, part of his learning process

Dear J.,

First thing you need to do is to stop thinking that it is the fault of his play mates(or the teachers, or school). Secondly, after all he is at the beginning of learning how to play and cooperate with his peers, give him a chance to make some adjustments and learn by doing. Thirdly, he is old enough for you to tell him that what he is doing, if you catch him doing it right then, that is not the way to treat people. So and so doesn't have to listen to him, and the other kids do not have to do what he wants them to. Teach him to be a friend by role playing at home . " To have a friend, you have to be a friend" is a good start.

I taught preschool for many, many years. They finally get the proper way to play and cooperate with their friends. This is a seriously important part of the preschool experience, don't ruin it - encourage it. C. N.

I think that its normal for boys, especialy, to use aggresion. One thing that might help is enrolling him in a martial arts program. Alot of times their mentors explain the right and wrong times to use aggression. Not to mention it could give him a positive avenue to release some built up aggression. I think its just part of being a boy. Dont worry too much stay positive and talk alot. And remember kids learn with consistancy.