3Yr Old Son Having a Hard Time with Change at School & Home

I am sorry, D., I don't have any advice to give you. However I do agree with Miranda. It sounds as if he is going through too much for him to be able to cope with. I would leave him with his peers in the 3-4's and give him time to adjust.

Dear D.,

I too have a very sweet, sensitive, sometimes-melancholy preschool boy, so this issue is close to my heart. I don't have one big fix for you, but here are some scattered recommendations, all things that have worked with us.

1. I really, really endorse the idea of looking for another school. An aggressive curriculum -- or aggressive anything, really -- does NOT sound like a good fit for a sensitive, slow-to-warm-up child. I know this can be hard, since I'm sure you did a lot of research to select this school, but honestly, the fact that they weren't sensitive to the social stigma of the "baby class" is another sign that this may not be the right fit. And, if your son does need to be in a younger group, often the only way for anyone to do this is to switch schools.

2. Talk to your pediatrician. If your son's emotions are really getting in the way of his ability to learn, he may qualify for therapy, possibly even an specially trained occupational therapist who can come to the school with him. My son is getting this service via Early Intervention, and though it took forever to set up, the therapists are great, and we're getting some good results. At 3, your little guy will be too old, but your insurance may cover something similar. The school issue aside, you may want to just look for a child psychologist who can help your son understand and cope with your separation.

3. Take a careful look at his diet. I know this sounds weird, but some food sensitivities can depress a child's mood. Until very recently (this January) my son showed mild but persistent signs of clinical depression -- a lot of the symptoms you've described with your son. At the advice of a naturopath, we eliminated all traces of milk from his diet, and the change in my son's mood was astonishing. It was like the clouds just cleared away and the sun came out.

4. Read up on the "slow to warm up child." It sounds like your son may just have a temperament that makes it harder for him to adjust to change. But if so, this temperament is also associated with wonderful qualities: sensitivity, thoughtfulness, extraordinary powers of observation.... When I get frustrated with my son, I find it helpful to read this stuff: it's helped me to accept and appreciate who he really is. Here are a couple of links: http://www.childsday.com/ParentingExchange/PE2004-09.pdf
http://www.drrobertbrooks.com/pdf/0003.pdf

5. Please take it with a grain of salt when people say your son is being manipulative. Children this age -- no matter how smart they are -- just don't have the ability to manipulate on such a complex scale. They'll do preschool-level manipulation (a tantrum if you won't let them have a cookie), but the idea that the world out there is perfect and if your child doesn't like it, he's just being a little sneak: that's intellectually lazy and leads to an parenting approach that's at best one-size-fits-all and at worst insensitive, hostile, and combative. As parents, we DO have to help our children find appropriate coping skills, but (and I'm sure you know this -- I just wanted to respond to one of the other posts) being a loving parent means appreciating that your child is unique and searching far and lo for the best setting and approach for him or her.

I hope this helps! Send me a message if you want to talk more about our sensitive little boys.

Mira

It sounds as though he is in a daycare/preschool. If the school is so great, than the teacher (and is there an assistant with her?) should be able to HELP him assimilate to the class he should be in rather than pass him off to the younger group. Why can't they give him the same one on one in the older class when needed rather than but him with the younger kids. If they can't accomodate him, maybe it is time to change schools altogether. There is probably another similar place in your area that may split the kids up differently age-wise and be able to help the situation, rather than make it worse.

I only say this as my son started pre-k at the end of November when he was 2 months shy of 4 years old (young for his class). He had never been in daycare or anything until then. It took until just recently for him to REALLY be comfortable with the change in lifestyle, routines, rules, etc. His teacher is very loving, but is definitely one of the strictest and has more rules than any other. Since he is the youngest and newest coming in her class, it took extra effort on her part, but it has paid off.

Does he have to go to this school? Maybe another school would benefit your child. It seems like by moving him to the 3 class.. he feels like he did something wrong.. or he isn't happy. Now they are changing the school to be move educational.. maybe this won't work for your child either. Maybe check another place out. See if you can visit it with your child. and maybe he can join it for a day to see how it goes. Good luck.. There are a lot of preschools out their. I am Catholic but my children went to a Presbeterian Church for preschool and it was awesome. they learned a lot about God and being a good person. good luck

D.,
You should work with your son on distinguishing between his feelings. I grew up with a similar issue, where I cried as the reaction for every emotion. This is not something that you just grow out of, it is a learned response. You should help him to identify his feelings, by saying you are feeling angry or frustrated or disappointed, or hungry etc. Someone may need to tell him how he is feeling, so that he is able to identify his feelings. Once he has learned what it is that he is feeling, it will be much easier for him to communicate what it is that is making him feel this way. If he can tell you how he is feeling and why, it will be easier for you to fix the actual problem. As far as the daycare goes, you may want to check with his teachers for guidance in how to help him with the transition and ask about their observations. They may have some good ideas about what might work for him, in that they spend each day with him. Good luck.

Hello,
This is a lot for a child to go through in a small amount of time. The one thing I heard you say about your child is that he was having a hard time adjusting to change. Since this is one thing you are positive of; I would start by developing as much consistancy as possible in his life.
Changing his class and/or his school right now would just add more change into his life and translate to him that when thing do not work out the way we want them to we have to just "change" everything.
I went through a divorce a few years ago and I had 9 small children at the time. All of them dealt with the situation diffrently, but one of my children[ a 3 year old boy] behaved a lot like your son. At the time he was in a preschool and my choice was to allow him to remain in a 3-4 year old class that taught him a lot of acedemics. This not only helped him to excell it gave him a sense of accomplishment when he did well. It took some time but it worked out in the end.
As far as him spacing out durning circle time, this is most likely his down time during what can be a long day for our young ones. Also children like ours tend to have a good imagination. He may not be spacing out he may be using his imagination. Have you ever asked him?
As a word of encouragement: when we are raise our children in the way of the Lord there will be things that will come against us. God is always in control and He knows what is best. Just trust in the Lord and He will direct your path.

Your son has gone through several huge changes in a very short time and he's having trouble putting it all together. Why don't you work with the school to get the things they are working on so you can work with him at home? When my son had problems with school I reinforced the lessons at home and it helped a lot.

It sounds like your boy is regressing in the 2-3 year old class and that he is upset about leaving his peers in the
3-4 year old class. Since he shared his feelings about the younger class being the "baby class" and told you how he felt about it I would say he is mature enough to stay in the 3-4 year class. Also, he may begin to model his behavior after the older group. Spacing out in circle time could mean a lot of things - he is bored/sad/thinking about dad/mom/recess/playing with trucks , etc. I think you would be doing more harm by moving him back than leaving him where he is. Have you considered having him talk to a family counselor who specializes in children dealing with seperation or divorce? Sounds like he could also be a kid who is more sensative than his other siblings or peers and this change is effecting him differently.

Hi D.-
Three year olds respond better to a schedule and a routine. Too many things are changing at once for your son, which can be very overwhelming. You should try to form a routine with him with school. I have a 3 year old and I had him change from going to school 2 times a week to a new school where he goes 5 days a week. It took time for him to adjust. He cried everyday for the whole 2 1/2 hours. I think your son should stay in the class he was originally assigned. The teacher needs to be patient with him and work with him to make him feel comfortable. If your son has a favorite stuffed animal, you should let him put it in his school bag as a source of comfort. I did this with my son and it worked. He felt more secure and started participating more in class.
I hope this helps,
K.

it sounds as if an aggressive preschool is not the school for your son. you dont want him to hate school now at such a young age. it should be fun. if they continue to want to put your son with the younger children maybe it is time to find a preschool not so aggressive. i hope everything works out for your son.

For a little one who doesn't deal well with change, this is a lot in a short period of time. Couple of thoughts...

1. Look for a new preschool. Preschool SHOULD NOT be intensely academic. It's about peer negotiations, establishing learning behaviors and readiness skills- including a life-long love for learning. If your son is not happy, find a new school.

2. You cannot change temperament, but maybe there is something more going on. I would request a referral to the Committe on Preschool Special Education for a full evaluation, including developmental and behavioral rating scales. If your son needs help, including school-based counseling, your district can help.

3. You say your husband moved-out five months ago, but ask yourself when the problems started in your marriage. My guess is that your son has been alive as long as your marriage has been troubled. Children pick-up on stress no matter how much you try to shield them from it. He may be melancholy "by nature", but having stressed parents will increase his anxiety and emotionality. TALK WITH A CHILD COUNSELOR or find a local support group for yourself.

This is a very difficult situation, but there are ways of explaining divorce to young children that are concrete, but allow them to understand that a change in family structure does not making you all "less" of a family. Talk with the pediatrician for a referral and call your school district's special ed office to inquire about a referral!

Hi D.! God bless you! It's J. (remember me from the olden days in Sussex?) I'm a member of mamasource and read your post poor little one pray for him alot he's just going through alot and does/nt know how to explain. Have alot of patience we as moms need tons of it! I have three ages 3, 2, and 8 months! Write to me ____@____.com or call me ###-###-#### I live in Bloomfield. I'd love to talk with you and maybe see you sometime! Hope you remember who I am You went to my weding in Newark remember? Don't forget to kep in touch! God bles you! Love ya!

I think your 3 yr is smarter than you are giving him credit for. Take the fact that he cries a lot as a self expression, it might be valid communication when he's a baby and cannot talk, but he should be using his words now. He had no problem telling you that he's not going to use his words if you put him in a baby class. Crying is easier than trying to express themselves, and if he gets the attention he's looking for this way he will have no reason to stop.

He might also be using the changes to his advantages. If he senses that you feel bad for him that he doens't see his father as much as before, or you are apprehensive about the changes for his school, he can be acting out. Kids are so smart about what they can and cannot get away with. Nobody likes changes but I would think that the 3 year old would have an easier time adjusting and adapting.

I cannot tell you which class to put him in, or even if another school is the solution. You need to make the choice and make your son stick to it. Even though he is only 3, he needs to start learning that sometimes he has to do something just because "Mommy says so". After all you are still the boss in charge.

Good luck and I hope my 2 cents helped.

My son is now 10 and still has those problems. Every child is different and you have to gauge what works for your son, but for us what works best is putting our foot down and saying you must do this. Sometimes I feel really mean, but it does work.

I totally agree with all that Trisha W. has stated. Please, DO NOT, NOT, NOT put him in with the "babies" as he says. He just needs time to adjust, that's all. Good luck.
D. N.

D.,

It sounds like he has depression. I don't agree with drug therapy EVER but the book Change Your Brain, Change Your Life is a very interesting book about a psychiatrist who started scanning his patients brains to see which parts were either over or underactive. Some people for example when under stress react in a completely opposite way to what's normal. Pushing them makes them shut down. Never, ever push a sensitive child! It will not change them. Sometimes it's seen as being stubborn but this is not the case. It just calls for better parenting skills.

The book The Diet Cure and The Mood Cure speak about natural ways to repair brain problems, depression, etc. using things like amino acids and diet. It's possible to see changes within hours. If this is the cause then his resilience will increase and his moods will be more balanced.

It's very important to keep sensitive people off sugar and chemical foods (especially MSG & Aspartame) since they will further affect the brain. He may have food allergies.

Raising Your Spirited Child is a good book about understanding sensitive children. It's not something that they just "grow out of" so it's up to the parent to figure out how to deal with them in a way that is suitable.

Hope you will post a group message so we can see how this turned out. The aggressive approach to preschool doesn't sound to positive.