3Yo Constantly Bothering 13 Month Old. Arrrggghhhh

ah, siblings . if there was a better reason to drink, i have yet to see it. first off, the next time, the three year old screams, pinches, pulls at etc etc the younger child. swat him in the leg,and drag his butt back home and leave the child there for the nest of the day no repeives, no excuses.when you witness the child actually being nice to the younger tot, praise the child. but dont rush out to pay him a toy everytime you witness him being nice to the little one, because he will came to expect it, very quickly. chances are good, he will get tired fast of get his behind swatted, and then left at home, because he refuses to be nice to his younger sibling
K. h.

My oldest 2 are 1 year apart, and I had this problem with them for awhile, too. Then a friend of mine gave me this advice which helped a lot, even if it didn't "solve" the problem: pick your battles, and only intervene for things that are safety issues. At 13 mos, chances are your youngest could care less half the time what toy he's playing with most of the time. Don't make it a federal case if the older one takes away a toy, and the baby doesn't seem to care. Teach the 3 year old to "trade" a toy with the younger one, and usually the baby will be happy with whatever toy is in front of him. While at our age (and ability to reason) it seems "unfair" that baby is constantly having his toys taken away, in reality his attention span is barely more than that of a gnat, and he probably won't get upset if big brother takes away his ball and gives him, say, a stuffed bear. And I PROMISE you it won't "spoil" the 3 year old, either. As he gets older, and learns some impulse control, he'll stop snatching toys out of the baby's hands. Additionally, as the baby gets older, he'll learn how to fight back. Trust me -- mine are now 2 and 3, and if my DS takes something away from his sister that she really WANTS, she will go after him to get it.

Anyway, this won't solve all your problems, per se, but it will at least give you a bit more "peace" when you let some of the battles go, and focus on teaching your boys the really important lessons.

I don't so much have advice as I do compassion....three was not a good year for my son, and while he loves his brother, he was the same way (though his brother was only 4 mo then). It sounds like you are doing the right things, especially giving one on one time...we started using a negative reinforcement discipline system (rather than trying to catch him being good and rewarding that)...he had 5 rules (normal voice, be gentle, show respect, do everything quickly & completely with a happy heart, use listening ears). We read them together every day until he memorized them. Then he had 8 boxes. Each time he broke a rule, he lost a box. The first three boxes were free bees...warnings if you will. Then after that they represented things he LOVED, in increasing value. A special toy, TV, dessert...etc. he would slowly lose his most valued possessions each time he broke a rule. He could NOT earn them back that day no matter how much better he behaved. The next morning, we started anew....all privs. & boxes renewed. Trust me, when we started, he usually lost all of his boxes by 7am and we had to go to time outs. But gradually, he would even still have some at the end of the day, then he was not losing ANY. The consistency of it, and our not getting emotional about, I think were key. don't get my wrong, they still wrestle constantly, but at 2 1/2 his bother is more a participant than a victim.

Hi P.,
Your son is excited, jealous and probably just doesn't know how to behave around the little one. Remember that the parents are the boss and teachers, he doesn't know yet! It takes a lot of consistency but you can change his behavior. Correct him when he is bothering. Show him how to touch the baby, no face or hands. Have him touch his toes and feet. Correct a couple of times while you are right there showing him how, if he won't do it he gets a full 3 minute time out in the same place. It worked like a charm for my 2 year old. But the consistency of the time out and showing him how is important. You have to be right there involved. If you tell him to leave the baby alone and he doesn't listen after telling him once. Then give him a 3 minute time out. Zero tolerance and stopping it right away is the only way to really change the behavior. I can always tell when I am slack, nothing changes. It is amazing how they respond to real discipline, they need it. Good luck and enjoy them while you can. Be thankful that you have a job and that the kids are at home with Dad and not anyone else.

Megan (SAHM of 4yr old and 2 yr old)

Thanks for posting this question - I am having the same problem with my 4 year old bothering her 1 year old sister!

Sometimes it is love and affection, but mostly it is pestering her and annoying her. I think it stems from the younger one getting lots of attention from me (her mom) - but that is because I have to in order to meet her needs (keep her safe, fed, diaper changed, etc)

I try to give my 4 year old more positive attention but it seems like what she gets most is negative attention from me and her father - I am looking forward to hearing suggestions from the responses you get!!!

Mine are 4 and 13 months and I know how trying it can be! I do try to "accentuate the positive" and get DAD involved. If he can take the 4 year old for a while, that seems to make them nicer to each other longer when they get back together. I know my 4 yr old craves my attention, but also my praise. So when she actually does give her baby sister a toy or treats her gently, it is ALWAYS praised. Unfortunately, changing your son's behavior is not as important as finding ways to cope until he's old enough to be able to manage it on his own more. It's "crowd control" for a while and can be tiring, but these days slip by swiftly, so try to enjoy the maddness while you're in the middle of it. Hope I helped a bit. Good luck!

I had the same problem , when #3 arrived #2 was 2 1/2 and she was always doing something that she shouldn't be doing , squeezing her too hard , stroking her head too hard , pushing quite hard on her stomach , you name it she did it!! Now she is almost 4 and baby is 17 months and more mobile , it has got better but #2 will still do things she is not supposed to do , like pull her over when she is standing (she has just taken her first steps and is still unsteady) , #3 tries to hold her down when she is trying to move , she takes toys away from her. All we can do is be consistent with telling her no it's wrong , put her in time out and make her apologise when she comes out & hope that it will get better. I do have to say that it is better now than when she was first born , it was daily several times a day now for the most part they play nicely. I think age has a lot to do with , 3 is a very trying age , much worse than 2 in my opinion. I think that once the youngest can play more with her then it will stop , I think when they are babies they just see them as toys that lay/sit there and don't do anything.

Hang in there , I know how frustrating it is!!

K.

Oh, P., I'm right there with you. My son will turn 4 at the end of December, and my daughter is 16 months old. My son is basically a good, sweet boy, and he loves his sister and can be very sweet and affectionate with her, but the constant struggling over toys drives me insane. He doesn't hit her, but if he's really angry he gets right in her face and makes the most horrible face at her. And the meltdowns! We've also tried all the things you have, but it's still a daily struggle. The only thing that seems to help is when we split the kids up and my husband and I each do something separate with each child--getting at least one of them out of the house. But that only makes things better while we're all split up--once everyone's back home again, the fighting starts again.

I have absolutely no advice to give, just letting you know you're not alone. Here's hoping things improve in both of our households soon!

i am so happy I am not alone! My four year old does all the thigs all the other moms have said! I just try to keep them split up as much as I can. My four year old loves her sister and helps give baths, tucks her into bed at night and even helps feed her. That helps. So the best advice I can give you is to let the older sibling help. Maybe help pick out pajamas, or even watch while you give the baby a bath. Good luck and hopefully this is just a phase. That's what everyone keeps telling me!

What you need to do is find what makes your son tick. For my daughter she is very social she loves people and loves to talk but she also loves to read at night. She gets very upset if i tell her to be quiet or not to talk for a while. She also gets very upset if i tell her i can't read to her at night. Find these things for your son. If your son is social put him on time out. If he likes to set and watch tv tell him he can't watch it. But for time out or taking away tv time you need to be sure you don't do it for too long. Time out should be 1 min for each year. So for your son 3 min. No longer get a time and set it on a table near him. Don't let him talk or set down or do anything. If you take away tv time or computer time make sure it's not too long. If you take it away tooo long he will learn to live with out it and you will be ineffective. 1 day is prob. long enough for him.
Next do EVERY time he does it. Nothing is too small. That means if he walks over and pokes him and you say stop just because he stops doesn't mean punishment doesn't take effect. You should only have to say "Don't bother your brother more than ONE time" the next time is punishment time. If you don't do it One time he will realize it and will try again to see if you do it this time... Good luck
PUNISH EVERY TIME!!!

Oh dear, I was hoping you'd gptten the answer. I am right there with you. My oldest (just 5) loves to tackle and smash his 15 mo. brother... I tell everyone my job is to make sure he doesn't "love" his brother to death (smothering him with pillows is another favorite).

I like the box idea, we need some sort of regular discpline/rewards besides timeout. He spends a lot of time in time out.

I am with you, I guess is a year or so will all be complaining because the younger one will be the instigator instead of just the innocent victim....