3 Yr Old Gone Wild!

Of all of the things you have tried, how long did you try them? Consistency is key...it's not going to work the first or second time. Whatever you do, stick to it...she has to understand that you mean what you say, say what you mean. Until she can form her own opinion, you are the boss, you set the rules, you are in control. She needs you to be in control, she is too young to take hold of what she needs.
Best of luck, remember consitency, consistency, consistency!
G.

Hi C.,
I can empathize with you! My daughter just turned five, but she went through the terrible two's and three's, and a year ago for about4 months before she turned four, she was just as obnoxious as could be- very strong-willed, talked back, wouldn't listen, was a bit out of control herself. I didn't know what to do. We had tried everything, as you have, and we were consistent with it, but she was very trying! I too had my son who was a baby at the time and she definitely got worse after he was born.

A friend of mine who also had a daughter like this told me a great tip to try, in addition to everything else. What she told me to do was to make a good behavior chart, and for every good thing she did, give her a sticker and let her put it on her chart. In the beginning- you compliment anything she did that was good- for example- "you were nice to your sister/brother"- she gets a sticker; "you finished your milk", "you didn't throw/hit/spit", "you got your shirt on all by yourself"- at first you find anything that is good, no matter how small or trivial it may seem, and they get the sticker. Once she earns the sticker, you cannot take it away- she doesn't lose it. If she misbehaves, you stick with the timeout, or taking a toy away, or whatever, but then you can remind them of the good behavior chart. I told her that if she got like 35 stickers by the end of the week, she would get a prize- and you can make that whatever you want- give her a nickel for her piggy bank, or whatever you want. so I always made sure to find at least 5 or 6 things to compiment her on each day, so she'd have enough stickers by the end of the week. You could tell her that if she gets so any stickers by the end of the week, or has 2, 3, or 4 straight weeks, she will get to go on a mommy and daughter "date"- whatever you think will work for her.

Anyway, the purpose of this is to start encouraging the positive behavior. Plus, it also helped me to get out of the rut of only seeing all the bad things she was doing, and to focus on the good things she was doing. It worked for me! Within a day or two, she was excited to get the stickers, and started to behave better. And, as her behavior started to improve, I didn't compliment EVERY thing she did, but you have to in the beginning. Like I said, we still did timeouts. We also had "the Tuesday box" (you can pick any day of the week). And, if she wasn't behaving, then a favorite toy would disappear into the "Tuesday box" which meant she would not get to have it back until the following Tuesday. We would always give a warning first, and tell her that if she continued, something would go into the Tuesday box. After awhile it caught on.

Anyway, I hope this helps. Like I said, it worked for me. Once my daughter turned 4 she became a very sweet girl again. So there is hope! :)

Dear C.,

We had the same problem with our daughter also. She was three and just turned 4 in January. We took away her toys one by one for every bad thing that she did ( hitting brother, back talking, not listening etc) and put them in our locked spare room. Then she had to earn them back with good behavior! We took away her tv, dolls, My Little Ponies, Barbies etc. Then eventually she saw the light, that if she behaved, then she could have her stuff back. But, be prepared when you take them away. Man, was she ticked off and threw the biggest hissy screaming fit ever. But, don't cave in either to her. Let her cry it out because there is no reasoning with a crying three year old who is having a tantrum. Trust me, I know this because I tried that approach at first and it failed! We put time limits on each of the toys we took away from her to earn them back. But, always remind her that they can easily be taken back at any time. Wait and see, how she will come around when she doesn't have anything to play with after a week's time. Ours sure changed her tune real quick like. Hopefully this will help you out. It has made her a completely different kid. I think our family just likes buying things for her and they get carried away and then she takes it for granted that she's entitled to it. So, we now also have a piggy bank in her room which she earns money for different activities she normally wouldn't be required to help out on. Plus, all the money she gets from relatives goes in there also. She spends her money on things at the store like Slurpees, doll & bear clothes, so she can appreciate the value of a dollar now.
Good Luck!

Kim

I have a 4 year old gone wild, so I know how you feel. I tried everything...I even read a book "Boundaries With Children", it really helped. Consistency really is the trick. Say what you mean and mean what you say! Always! Even when their looking up at you with those sweet little faces...don't cave. Children really do look to us, their parents, for structure. It is hard! Children actually have to "unlearn" things. This is not easy...and it does take time. Time and patience and consistency...you guys will be fine!
Good luck!

I highly recommend 1-2-3 Magic. It's a book and video by Thomas W. Phelan Ph.D. (you can usually get it at the library). We started using this method when my son was about 2 years old and it works pretty well. How it works, basically is, without saying anything else, you slowly count "That's 1, That's 2, That's 3". If your child doesn't stop the behavior by the time you get to 3 they get a time out, no talking, no bargaining. The key is that you have to stick with it all the time so they know what to expect. Don't get me wrong, my son is still pretty wild, but at this point when he hears me say "That's 1" he usually stops the behavior and I don't have to count any further.
Good luck!

Hi C.,

If this behavior starts when you and your daughter are playing together. That is sending you a message right there. I would stop having one-on-one time with her. Only for a bit. If she asks you why, just tell her that she hurts your feeling when she treats you this way. And explain that she needs to learn to use word to express if she is angry with you (or anyone) instead of hitting or being rude. If she wants to play say you will, and do so, as long as she is being nice. If she starts up again, tell her why - and stop playing. Let it at that. She will get mad at first, but stand your ground. when it sinks in that people won't want to play with her when she is rude, she'll knock it off. Good luck.

Consistency is definitely the key. Just remember - and try to observe - behavior occurs for a reason. Bad behavior typically gets what it sets out for. What is she getting from the behavior? When does it happen? Bad behavior will continue to appear, even if it only works on 1 out of 1000 tries, it still worked so it will come back. You can't give in.

I was in the exact same sinerio a few months ago. Time outs were not working and they had in the past. So I started taking her toys and putting them in time out. The first few times of this she screamed and hit and then she started to understand that I was not going to give them back until she earned them back, she had to earn them by being nice. It has worked even my husband liked this method. He would put her in time out and she would scream until her three mintues were up and it pulled at his heart to see his girl upset. But this has worked for us. I do give her a warning. For example the play food is about to go into time out because you are hitting so please stop. and when she does not stop I put it in time out. No ifs and or buts about it. The moods have changed. One other thing that we noticed was happening with her is that she had an ear intection and we did not realize that she was feeling bad so that could also play a factor, depending on how long the behavoir has been going on. This will pass and things will get better. Trust me the first few months seem the toughest. Now my son is 9 months and my daughter is 3yrs old they seem to interact with each other.
Don't forget the baby is coming into your 3 year olds territory and that is really hard for any child to accept.