Hello Moms. I really need some help. I recently had a new baby. My oldest daugther who will be 4 in Aug seemed to be adjusting okay to her. My baby is now 3 months old and my daughter seems to be having issues. She has been acting out at home and has been very destructive around the house. She got a bottle of baby powder and went in the new baby's room and dumped it every where. The walls, carpet, crib, her toys, my shoes.... and then the next day she did the same thing with a bottle of lotion. She has also been very mean and aggressive. She ignores everything we say to her and doesn't seem to respond to disipline. We have taken many of her favorite toys away and my husband has started spanking her when she is aggressive towards us. When we tell her no, she hits or tries to scratch us. This morning, her teacher at preschool told me that they have started having problems with her there also. They said she has always been a very well behaved child but starting about 2 weeks ago, she has started hitting and being very mean to the other kids. The teacher said that she picked up a pair of scissors and tried hit another kid with them. I am at a loss for what to do. My husband and his mother say that I obviously favor the new baby because I am always holding her. Sometimes when the new baby is crying and I'm holding her, my daugther comes up and asks me to hold her. My husband thinks I should put the baby down and hold our other daughter whenever she asks. I just don't know what the right thing to do is to correct this bad behavior. Me and my husband both work full time and both kids are in daycare 4 days a week.
The book "The happiest toddler on the block" has some great advise about toddlers and the new baby. It really helped me.
I don't know if this will help or not.... :-)
My kids were always great with the baby - until the baby moved! Once baby was crawling, climbing, cruising and getting into their stuff, all bets were off. That's when the jelousy really started. I had to start really enforcing that if you didn't want baby in your toys those toys had to stay in your room. We have a 'don't enter without permission' rule for siblings and their rooms so they their space. It does get better once the baby gets a bit older and can play, but it can be rough until that point.
As for the baby crying. An experienced mom friend told me when I was pregnant with baby #2... when both kids are crying, comfort the older one first. The baby is too young to know better (waiting a few minutes won't hurt 'em) but the older one is big enough to know - and remember that mom went to the baby first. Of course, if the baby is crying for an emergency (she's hurt) and older kid crying 'just because' use common sense. :-)
Some people say to get the older kid involved with helping the baby but I rarely did that. My older kids just didn't like that. They are kids, not the parents and it's not their responsibility. If they asked to help, I'd gladly let them, of course.
Schedule in lots of one-on-one time with the older one. Instead of doing housework during the baby's afternoon nap, snuggle and read with her sister or play a board game. Do something "big kid" the baby can't do. Once a week, have a standing 'date' like going for ice cream every Saturday afternoon or baking cookies Sunday morning. Also make sure daddy gets one-on-one time with her, too. I always noticed that my kids' behavior got worse when we let the one-on-one times slip and a few weeks of getting those times back improved behavior all around.
Oh, A., I feel for you! My son was three years and three months when my second was born. I think three years apart is the worst age span! It was horrible. My perfectly behaved, sweet boy turned into a monster. And of course I felt guilty about it, as I knew that his whole world would come crashing down when his sister was born. But, thank the Lord, it did pass. He finally understood that the baby wasn't going anywhere, and he would have to get used to it.
I don't think it's fair of your husband and MIL to accuse you of "favoring" the baby. Of course she will need more attention and more holding....she's a baby.
However, you MIGHT want to try what your husband said...... I say this because I did it. Once, when my daughter was crying and I was trying to calm her, my son wanted me to pick him up. He very specifically told me, in fact! "Mama, put her down and pick me up!" So, I did. I put the crying baby down, and picked up my son. I focused all my attention on him (very difficult it was, too, as the crying got a lot louder when I put her down) and for a minute, he was content. But then he was concerned that the baby was still crying. He said, "Mama, she's still crying, aren't you going to pick her up?" And I said, "Well, I can't right now, sweetie, I'm holding you." And he said, "Put me down, Mama, and pick her up!" And that was the first and last time I ever had to do that. It just somehow seemed to reassure him, that I would do that for him........ Perhaps he was feeling like he'd always come second? Anyway, it worked for me. I hope it does for you, also.
Try to find that one-on-one time with her that she enjoyed before that "interloper" came. :) It really does wonders.
And if that "helpful" MIL wants to do something, ask her to take the baby for a couple hours while you do spend time with your big girl.
Blessings,
J.
I always had special big sister jobs for my older ones while I was feeding and holding the babies. While I rocked and nursed before bedtime, it was time for Daddy to give the big sister a bath. Big sisters got to pick the blanket and towels for the baby and most of the time got to pick the clothes that the baby would wear. I usually directed them in what to choose (something warm, something nice for church, something good to play in.) I also made sure that when the baby was in a bouncy seat or close to the floor that the big sisters got to play with them also. I would call them over and say "look how pretty she smiles for you, she really loves her big sister." There are times when you have to take care of the baby first, when she's hungry or needs changing, or when the big sister doesn't need you until she realizes that you are caring for the baby already. Remind her that you did the same for her. Each of my children had their own special song that I would sing to them. The big sisters would help me sing the baby's song and I would then sing the big sister's song for them also. We sang and sang in the car when the baby cried. Most of the time it didn't make the baby stop crying, but it did give the rest of us something to do besides listen to it. Give your older daughter some "ownership" of the baby. If you think about it from her point of view, there is very little positive about this new baby to begin with. You have to create the positive for her. Special new jobs to help with, new songs to sing and such. Kids get over the "awww, she's such a cute baby" thing right now, they only see that she takes you away, can't play and causes trouble in their world. Be creative, get her involved, make her new role as big sister exciting and useful. Good luck.
As you've figured out, your daughter wants attention, and she's making sure she gets it anyway she thinks she can.
Obviously you must discipline the bad behavior. But the rest of the time your daughter needs some extra TLC. If you can't put the baby down right away, maybe tell your daughter how long it will be before she gets her turn. Maybe even cuddle her like you do the baby? Pretend to give her a favorite drink in a bottle? Or maybe plan a special outing just the 2 of you to a park where you can lavish lots of attention on her. Or something special while the baby is asleep like watch a movie with her in her bed. Something you don't normally do. Good luck. Hope this phase passes quickly.
A.,
Wow, I can't say I have any sure-fire ideas for you. But you're probably right, the new baby and the attention she's getting is most likely the reason.
I think if you keep doing what you're doing dicipline wise, consistantly, without anger or emotion, something will finally click. She's old enough to comprehend right from wrong, she just needs to get it to materialize in her own brain.
My one (and sorry, only) suggestion is to remind her of when SHE was a baby. When she wants to be held during the baby holding sessions, remind her that you held her the same way, you cared for her in the same way. Even relate as many stories as you can to help her understand that ALL babies get this kind of care. And perhaps she'll begin to empathize with the baby.
It's a tough tug of war with two - especially on your own heartstrings. To show one affection means to neglect the other. And you never feel like you're doing enough for either of them. I've got two and I walk that tightrope every day.
But take heart. The older the baby gets, the more interesting she will become to her older sister. And eventually - if they're like my children - they will learn to play together and depend on eachother.
Good luck to you and your family,
J.
When I had baby #2 I think it helped the relationship that I called the new baby 'your brother' and not my baby or the baby or anything. He was always the possession of the older ones so to speak. He was gracious enough to let me care for him ;) Your 3 month old will not remember being set down for a moment in a safe place while you pay attention to your older one. Have your older one help as much as you can. Ask her advice on what she thinks her little sister might need. Make sure she is a part of this. If the baby is crying ask her what she thinks her little sister might need. Have her assist as much as she can in taking care of that need. She may find it is not so fun to have mommy holding her with a screaming baby. Especially HER BABY SISTER crying. Not worth mommy reading a book when the baby is screaming too loud to hear.
Hello, we have two son's who are from 1-31,1970 to 12-15-1972 age difference. Shortly after we got home from the hospital I was working in the kitchen and I thought everything seemed awfully quiet. I went to the living room which is maybe 8 ft. away and there sat our oldest son in our wooden rocking chair next to the bassinett and yes he was holding his little brother rocking him. I have no idea how he got his bro. out and in the chair with him and I never did want to know. We have two granddaughters are about the same age difference as yours and their mother let the oldest help changing, holding the bottle and little things so that she felt like she was a big help to mommy. It has worked out well but now at 3, & 6 they have starting quarling with each other. Kids stuff. Good luck and it will take some time before 'good friends' happens.
