3 Year Old MAJOR Behavior Problems After Nanny Change..

I'm glad to know that my three year old isn't the only one having issues. My three year old has always stayed with my grandma (Mam) while I worked and she loves it but Mam decided that she wouldn't be able to handle both kids full time so I had to change my daughters entire routine. My other grandma retired to do daycare for my sister and I. I thought that would be great, she would still be with family and the change wouldn't be so drastic for her but I was wrong. She is miserable and makes it miserable for everyone else. She cries and thows a tantrum until she makes herself throw up. She makes me late for work more days than not, no matter how early we get there because she needs "lots of lovings". She won't eat when she's there even when I send the food myself. I try to tell her she can go spend the night with mam if she has good days but that only makes her worse the next time she goes back to grandmas and I don't know how to handle it. I'm putting her in preschool in the fall and I hope that helps but I'm afraid I'm in for a long summer.

Hi E.,
This same thing happened to my neighbor. Both she and her husband worked and needed a sitter 3-4 days a week and some evenings. A friend of theirs told them to look into hosting an Aupair as their childcare. They did, ended up hosting aupairs for about 7 years until all of their kids got into school fulltime. It ended up being the best thing as an Aupair stays for up to a full year and sometimes longer. Their kids had the consistency of one person. they loved it and it was cheap too. I might be able to get the name of the Aupair agency that they usee if you're interested.

My son still loves the daycare provider he had as a baby, even though he's been with many people over the years (not going into the long story, but they left the state for a while and returned and we are in touch - he's 8 now.) They have a true bond of love, and I think that's wonderful. But he's also had many temporary caregivers come through his life (teachers, babysitters, summer nannies.)

Here's the thing: Love isn't something you can force, and also not something you can prevent from growing. Sometimes there is a bond and personally, I think love is always a good thing. Part of what we do as parents is guide and help our kids make loving connections with other adults, and if those connections last longer than we expect, that's not a bad thing. So I would not keep the old nanny away from her. At the very least, allow her to babysit every so often. Let them write letters.

About the behavior issues, I think 3.5 is a famously difficult age. Both my kids were awful at that age! So it may just be difficult timing for her. I don't really have an opinion about your philosophy - I think it's very hard to guarantee a long-term person or prevent a bond; we do the best we can, right? Don't beat up on yourself.

I would like to start by saying I went to school for Early Childhood Development at DePaul, I was a nanny for about ten years through college and after, I have taught for a few years and am currently running a daycare out of my home. I have a lot of experience with this. I have seen this behavior in many past families that I worked with. This is very typical and happens with kids that get very attached to the nanny. I worked with a family where one of their daughters was fine when I left, while the other acted up and was very cruel to the new nanny. The family also noticed that she acted up worse when I came to visit; it made her even angrier when I came for only one day and left. So the family had me visit less for a little while until she calmed down. I have seen kids with behavioral issues last a few weeks, while others will have issues for up to 6 months after the nanny left. You need to start off with giving her time. She sounds quite upset and it will take time for her to get over the transition. Giving her extra love and attention is a good thing, but you do eventually want to reprimand bad behavior. I know she is sad, but you still want to teach her not to be cruel to others just because she is upset. She should still get timeouts for her bad behavior, but acknowledge her feelings and let her know that you understand what she is feeling. If this still persists after a few months, then you may want to talk to your doctor about a child therapist, she may need a little therapy to deal with her feelings. Some kids need a little occupational therapy to help them deal with transitions; my daughter receives some OT for her severe shyness and fear of transitions. Some kids have a harder time with change than others.
Now as far as one permanent nanny versus many different ones is a very interesting dilemma. I am not a fan of parents changing nannies often, only because they finally get comfortable with one and they have to change again. Kids thrive on routine during the early toddler years. Transitions are very difficult for the younger years. You did do the recommended two nannies during the transition; it always helps to have the new nanny shadow the old for a few weeks before they leave. I think it is better for them to be used to one permanent nanny, because it will make them feel safe and secure. Many nannies and constant change create a little too much unpredictability and make them feel a little unstable and not safe. I wish you luck and don’t be afraid to contact me through this site for any more questions.

E., Your daughter is going to have attachments the rest of her life whether it is a nanny, or a person down the block or a school teacher.There will be ones she won't like and ones that she does. Spending time with her is a great idea but if she is feeling abandoned she needs to have a lot of explanations for the loss.You don't need to ask her what she wants, if you think the old nanny can visit, then why not? It sounds like there are really so many people who care about this little girl, but she is little and you can let her know in whatever way she understands that you accept her anger, but will not allow it to completely undermine your whole household. I see your good intentions by having several nannies, but that would be like trying to not have a best friend in our lives/ There are a lot of people in our lives and some we do better with. I think she might calm down a bit if her anger is acknowledged over her loss.You might be shocked to hear me say this but perhaps encourage her to feel it.Let her punch out a few pillows. She is grieving and working through that. But in this case the person is very much alive and wherever possible why not have a visit or two. We have people who come and go in our lives and continue to do so. She will then know that she wasn't abandoned but kind of like that saying, "See you the next time." She will realize that that is so.

In short, I agree with the parents who say stability is most important for the child. Children need to get attached to a loving parental figure (or more then one), that is how they learn to grow up and make loving relationships like husbands, wives and children of their own. Not being able to bond is one the the worst things you can do to a kid. You have a bunch of different nannies so she may not have been attaching until now. So your child did bond to one particular nanny and now she feels she has been abandonned so she is acting out. Personally I would not punish her for this but I would not let her break rules etc. either. I would try to find a situation that will be more stable henceforward and stick with it. Of course, things will happen sometimes and their will be changes, but it's almost like you created the very situation you were trying to avoid. She will have some grief and I would try to help her with that while she adapts to the new situation.

Hi E.,

I don't think it is a good idea to bring the old nanny back into the situation so soon. My sister had a somewhat similar situation with my niece. She left a home daycare where she was used to more attention and less structure and started preschool. My sister went to sit in class and visit to make sure everything was fine and it was so she left her there. As a school social worker, I advised my sister not to let my niece visit the old daycare until she was well adjusted to the new school because it would likely worsen the situation. If you are comfortable with the new nanny and know that she is doing a good job then your daughter will be fine. I also agree with the other posts about this behavior continuing because of the attention she is getting and the very real possibility of your other children mimicing the behavior to get the same kind of attention.

There are several great books that you may find helpful - Smart love by martha heineman pieper and william pieper and unconditional parenting by alfie cohen and also the dr sears attachment books. They are based on a lot of clinical psychology research on early childhood development. There is a chapter in one of them that makes most of us uncomfortable as it is hard to live up to. I am a single mom and so have to work and so that chapter is particularly hard for me. but it points out a body of research that suggests that children are best cared for by a parent full time until they are at least 3 - that more than 20 hrs per week outside that care can have effects. If you can't avoid care, then trying to ensure that the child has the same carer for the first 3 years is next best thing. So yes, it isn't surprising that your little one is reacting the way she is reacting. Also, the same clinical research shows the ineffectiveness of time outs and rewards as a way of controlling children's behavior. She may need more time with you and then a single carer when you are not there. Good Luck.

You sound like a very conscientious mother and also one with her hands full with 4 kids and a job. Since you specifically asked for opinions I'll offer mine - I believe that when a parent can't be the primary caregiver you need to provide a stable loving and responsible nanny. I disagree that switching out nannies is beneficial for the kids - I think you are much better off with as much stability as possible. When I was growing up my mom worked and she didn't put much thought into babysitters for us.... it was hard for us and lonely. At this point I would get the favored nanny back into your daughter's life and gradually recharacterize this person as a special friend. As far as whether or not you pay her I would have a heart to heart with the nanny and see what she is comfortable with. Tell exactly how you feel and I'm sure you'll work something out. Good luck.

I don't think you need to worry about your parenting skills or your work schedule unless you are feeling overwhelmed and stressed out. Children who are in child care grow up to be well adjusted unless the parent is stressed when she is supposed to be bonding with the child.

Have you thought about the different styles of discipline that your daughter has had to work with? Maybe old nanny was very permissive and new nanny is more firm. This is your daughter's home and people are telling her what to do, what to wear, when to go, etc. She has two younger siblings and might be feeling jealous about the attention they are getting. Three is a difficult age. People say "terrible twos" because suddenly the angelic baby starts to say "no". Well, when that little personality gets more words, she breaks your heart sometimes. Remember what Supernanny says: "This behavior is unacceptable".

Good luck.

J.

I think some of the people posting responses are overlooking the most important thing here, that your daughter loved this girl. It doesn't matter if it's a "nanny", a friend or a family member... she formed a huge attachment with this person, and loves her and misses her. I am a stay home, non working mom. My five year old daughter formed a HUGE attachment when she was very little to my sister. This was not due to a lack of attention from me. She obviously felt something for my sister that was very strong and special. My sister lives about an hour away, and spent a lot of time with us on the weekends for a while. When her schedule didn't allow her to come out as much, I saw my daughter begin to get very sad. When someone so special disappears, a child feels abandoned by them, and they may take it personally. I would definitely try to arrange some time with the old nanny... even if it's just to meet for lunch, spend an hour at a park... anything where she can reassure your daughter that she still loves her and misses her too. Your daughter will have these meetings to look forward to, and over time she will start need them less and less I'll bet. It's a hard time for her though, and I'm sure it breaks your heart. It did mine to see my daughter truley miss her aunt so much. Don't feel a bit bad for working and having some help. It's good for children to have other people who love them and that they can love. The problem comes when one of those people leaves and can't spend time with them anymore. Good luck, and I hope you can arrange them some time together soon! Your daughter obviously cares very deeply for her.

I agree with Karin K. She is getting all this extra attention and will continue this behavior as long as you continue to give her more attention (good or bad). She does need to learn that she is not always going to get who she wants or what she wants. She will have to find a way to deal with this on her own. I think that seeing the favorite nanny could be a good reward for her. Maybe after a week of good behavior with the new nanny she could get a special visit with the old. She should still get to see the old nanny if it works for all of you, after all she has become close to your daughter and is her "friend". As far as the rude behavior to you, your husband, and your parents, your daughter should be disciplined for that. There is no reason to let her get away with inappropriate behavior just because she is upset the nanny is no longer there. Nip that in the bud! Identify that she may be sad or upset (ask her exactly how she feels) tell her you understand her feelings, then explain to her how to deal with those feelings in an appropriate way. Tell her that just because she is sad or angry she cannot be disrespectful to you or your husband etc. Maybe she can look at a picture of her and her old nanny or write her a letter (even if it is scribbling)or draw her a picture etc. Good luck to you.

E.,

I wanted to say what your child is going through is normal. I was a professional nanny for twenty years and had three long term jobs. Some of the my charges are now in college and said it was my calling and making "dates" with them that made the transition easier. It was know that I was going to always be there or in their lives. I think if talk with your child about that nanny and have her call and schedule a "date" I think it would make your child more at easy. Trust me, as nannies, we know we are not the parent, but you have to remember this nanny was a part of your childs life for two years. That is a very big deal to her. I think it would also help if you had the new nanny or the other nannies help her make cards or pictures to send to her. This will help her with her grieving process. I am sure she misses her old nanny, and wants to know it is okay. Some of the families that I worked for when I left, I came over and would talk with the old nanny and let the child know that I liked her and thought it was nice they had another nanny that was really nice. Let me tell you too, there is nothing worse in my profession than leaving a family. I still cry about each family I left. It is just as hard for the nanny too. I really think you should let her visit, call and make things for the old nanny. It takes awhile for them to adjust, some of my charges it took several months, others a few weeks. Just love your daughter and help her by just being there and asking if she wants to talk.

I also do not think that having several nannies vs one nanny is good/bad. I think you need to do what works for you. One nanny might not work, since you are use to having several. All the families I worked for only had me and didn't have back up if I was sick. Wow, you have great back-up and I think having several people also teaches your children that different people have different ways of handle situations, calming them, etc.

Good luck.

K.

This is such a difficult situation for all of you. I have to agree with the other posters that you do need a more permanent nanny situation. Kids need things to be predictable and they need a routine. Even though you have it similar for different nannies, that's not the same.

You can't make all these changes at the same time, so here's something that may help. I made a picture schedule for the day and went over it the night before. I just took a piece of paper and laminated it and then had things I could put on it. You could take a photo of the different nannies and have them posted as well with whatever classes or activities are going on the next day. Then your daughters would know what was coming up. While your schedules sound very predictable to you, it might be confusing for the little ones. I also would put on this schedule if you or your husband will be working from home that day so they know about that.

You also need to keep a regular working schedule. I know that you have some "on demand" work, but best as you can, make it predictable when you are working so the girls know that you have to work as well as your husband. I had a talk with my kids about jobs and dad's job was to leave the house and take the train to Chicago to work and my job was take care of them and be at home.

You are doing a great job having someone come in the house and keeping all the girls together in a familiar place. Figure out what will work for all of you and go for it.

M.

OK, I'm probably going to be pelted with rocks and garbage for saying this, but it's so commom sense that I feel like the child in the story about the Emperor's new clothes- "This little girl needs her mama!" I know that a great nanny is a huge blessing- but we all know each child is different, and apparently this one needs more structure and stability, and the long term security of having mom close by. These years are foundational in a child's ability to form attachments and learn to deeply trust others. I'm sure you won't want to hear it- I was in the same position as you when I had three pre-schoolers- but it's the truth. When I finally figured it out, we made the adjustments needed for me to be their primary care giver. It was a painful adjustment in many ways, but my only regret now (10 years later) is that I didn't do it sooner. I don't know your financial situation, and I'm not judging you. But all the advice and books cited below are not a replacement for a loving, present, consistant mom. I hope you and your family find a good solution that works for all of you, and I offer my most sincere hope that you find the answers you seek. Blessings-

Seems like she has gotten lots of extra attention since her new behaviors have arisen....perhaps all this positive attention is rewarding her new behaviors? Just a thought

You have a very uprooting lifestyle for raising children. You started out being parents then hire someone else to parent. They leave and you hire another one. Then you and hubby try on your own. Your daughter doesn't understand all this and is reacting. You have to stay constant and she needs discipline when she misbehaves. The same disipline that nanny and parents descide on so everyone is on the same page. And don't think that your daughter is completely clueless. She knows a lot and uses it to get what she wants.
Why would you not want attachment to your kids?? That's why people have children. Anyway, you have to act soon before the siblings pick up on this behavior and mimic the older sister.

I am a nanny and have only been with 2 families but I stick around as long as I can...or as they need me. Children need stability as they grow up. They need that. I understand that you don't want them to get too attached...but they do need that. Just for the same reason that they need to make friends and its not to healthy to move them constantly. It sounds like most of the damage has been done up to now...but if you can find a nanny she likes, keep her around as long as you can! Its important. I still see my old family often just so the boys feel like I didn't abandon them.

I agree with Sheila, she does need to be told by you that it is too bad that the other nanny can't continue on but that at least she does get to see her once in a while. She may still be going through terrible 2s which do extend into 3-5 year olds. She is hoping that throwing tantrums will change your mind. She will adjust to the new nanny eventually. Kicking should be immediately punished by timeout or taking away her favorite toy or privilege. Violence should never be tolerated. As far as fighting goes, you need to stay calm. Acknowledge her feelings, and drop it. Siblings often fight. Mine can fight for a long time and then be like best friends. Be sure to praise when they are playing nicely. Time will heal all wounds. Good luck.

I'm sure there are different ways of doing things that all work out in the end, but I think the stability and consistency of the same person is ideal. The children and the nanny learn the schedule of the household, each other, etc. Plus then you know what you are getting since you know the nanny better. I'd try to get the old nanny back and keep her!

I work for an au pair agency. If you want more information on the program please let me know.